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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to share my children over Christmas?

105 replies

SweetBlues · 05/12/2022 22:22

i have been separated for 3 1/2 years following an affair that ex husband had. We do not have a formal custody agreement and have Been mostly amicable with sharing time with the kids. We both get about 50% of the time with the kids each and for the most part this works. The week to week schedule we follow was actually drawn up by the kids). It doesn’t take into account birthdays or holidays. The days just fall as they fall if that makes sense?

For the last three Christmases, the kids have spent most of Xmas eve with ex and family as it is ex-MILs birthday. They tend to come back really late (past bed time). I then have them until about 11am on Christmas Day and then they then go to Ex & Family until the 28th
for Xmas lunch/day and to spend time with their dad. I’ve never been happy with this arrangement. I’ve just mainly bit my tongue and kept the peace but it doesn’t feel fair that I only really get Christmas morning. I want to spend more time and have something fun to do at Christmas too.

Well luckily for me, Christmas just so happens to fall on my weekend this year. So after checking that the kids were happy to stay with me, I have told both ex and ex-mil that I will have the kids from the 24 to the 27th (as technically it falls on my weekend anyway…). They both seemed ok with this but have both now changed their tune.

Ex messaged earlier this week to ask to take them
For a couple of hours Xmas day… and now ex_mil has asked to have them Xmas eve… both of which would interrupt plans I have made and which I don’t intend to change or cancel.

To Ex -MIL I’ve sent a very kind ‘sorry we have plans but the kids will be with Ex from the 27th’.

To ex, I have sent back a short and sweet ‘No’.

But what is it with these people? They’ve had it their way three years running. Why can’t they just let me be for one bloody year!

OP posts:

Pallisers · 05/12/2022 23:15

Sorry should also say, I think it reasonable for you to say "look you got the bulk of xmas for the past 3 years, I think this year should give the same to me - kids are perfectly happy for that and then in the future maybe we can work out something that is fair to everyone"

melj1213 · 05/12/2022 23:17

YABU unless you are literally going to be hours away from home so your Ex having them is a logistical impossibility.

For the previous three years you have not had your children for the whole of Christmas Day but you did have them for a few hours (and if the children are still primary age they may have been up for about 5/6hrs by 11am anyway, if they're anything like my DD) so your Ex is not unreasonable to want the same this year, even if it's just to take them after dinner for a couple of hours to open presents, see the family and then come home to you for bedtime.

ExDH and I share custody 50/50 - DD spends every other week with each of us. Her birthday is spent with whoever's week it is and the other parent celebrates the weekend before/after but Christmas we alternate every year.

DD was born in Spain where they celebrate more on Jan 6th with "Three Kings Day" (Children get presents from the Three Kings the same as Santa) so we follow a system where one of us has DD for Christmas week (week of December 25th) and celebrates with her then and the other parent gets her for "Los Reyes" week (week of Jan 6th) and celebrates with her then, and we alternate each year so we can make plans on advance.

Even with this system I would often offer for ExDH to take DD for an hour or so at about 10am - by this point she had opened all her presents, had chocolate for breakfast and was bouncing off the walls while I would usually be trying to tidy up and get organised to go to my parents for Christmas dinner. ExDH taking DD for an hour or so even to just go for a walk to the park, was perfect as it gave me time to get tidied up, have a shower and get dressed and then DD would come back, get changed into her Christmas outfit and we'd go to my family for dinner and more presents.

sunshineandstrawberryjam · 05/12/2022 23:17

How do your children feel? If they are used to seeing you both over the Xmas period isn't it going to be a bit miserable to suddenly not see dad and granny and the rest of that side of their family at all?

MichaelFabricantWig · 05/12/2022 23:18

I don’t think you do need to let him see them on Christmas Day just because you saw them for some time then on the last 3 years. Having them a couple of hours on. Christmas morning is hardly comparable to him having them all Christmas Eve and most of Christmas Day for 3 years

TheTeddyBears · 05/12/2022 23:20

Im you didn't not get to see them at all on Xmas day though. Imagine it's the other way around next yr. would u be happy with that not seeing them again until 27th Dec? I absolutely doubt it. It's just the it is when your no longer together you have to share them.

I'd let him take them for a few hours on Christmas Day.

Crunchingleaf · 05/12/2022 23:21

Have you considered coming up with an arrangement for Christmas for future years. It could make things easier until kids are older.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 05/12/2022 23:22

What do the children want - do they want to see him for a few hours?

SD1978 · 05/12/2022 23:22

You're not being unreasonable as such, but I also think that he should have the few hours you've previously had Christmas Day. It sounds like it's been a shit arrangement for you for the last three years and needs to be discussed about how to make it fairer as it seems one parent will always be less as the arrangement doesn't change to take Christmas into account, which most other peoples do.

SD1978 · 05/12/2022 23:24

And I'd assume that he will now also do the same and not have you spend anytime with them from now on on Christmas Day as you've set this precedence- and I don't think it's the right one to be honest.

been and done it. · 05/12/2022 23:26

PauliesWalnuts · 05/12/2022 22:27

Genuine question - what do your kids want to do? Surely that should be taken into account? Or are they too young to make that sort of decision?

She's already advised this in her OP

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/12/2022 23:27

You usually see then xmas eve and xmas morning. It's not nice for either parent sharing kids over xmas and cant have been easy for you to not see them xmas afternoon and evening.
But equally it wont be nice for him not seeing them at all on christmas day. If you genuinely have plans that cant be changed I think a 'sorry we have plans then but you're welcome to pop over at x for an hour / see them open their presents or something would be better than a flat 'no'

AssumingDirectControl · 05/12/2022 23:27

I assume you’re happy to alternate next year so he has them for the same four days over Christmas?

Floralnomad · 05/12/2022 23:33

Nobody sounds reasonable

Soakitup37 · 05/12/2022 23:39

everyone saying how unfair it is for the kids and ex husband. He should have thought of that before having an affair! It sounds like op has been more than fair for too long and has found the courage to stick up for what she actually wants and should have.

I absolutely hate having to share my kids; it’s the constant sucker punch reminder of the ex taking anyway family unit from you through no fault of your own. I can totally relate and see the thought process here. All I would say op is to be wary of how this will work for future Xmases. I’ve always insisted on Xmas eve +Xmas day till noon ( the best bit imo) and you’ll have to prise that agreement from my dead cold hands.

Wetblanket78 · 05/12/2022 23:52

Why can't he have them overnight Christmas eve? So he at least has the morning with them like you have done the last few years.

Etinoxaurus · 06/12/2022 00:11

PauliesWalnuts · 05/12/2022 22:27

Genuine question - what do your kids want to do? Surely that should be taken into account? Or are they too young to make that sort of decision?

Why would you bother to type that out and yet not bother to read the OP?

QS90 · 06/12/2022 00:15

They can't have it both ways - either you share holidays with a formal arrangement where you both get to see them (which should have been done the last few years if so), or it falls when it falls. If they are reasonable they should understand this without too many problems. But if you and your ex are both unhappy with the arrangement (you the last three years, him this year), maybe have a more formal arrangement in place starting next year?

Don't see what the MIL birthday has to do with anything lol?

Peedoffo · 06/12/2022 00:22

YANBU but the kids aren't possessions. I would ask them in a age appropriate way what they want to do.

melj1213 · 06/12/2022 00:58

They can't have it both ways

But neither can the OP.

The last three years when her Ex had the children for the bulk of the Christmas period she still had them Christmas Eve night/Christmas Day morning.

This year when she has decided to have the bulk of the Christmas period she is not allowing her Ex to have them at all, even for a couple of hours on Christmas day.

The OP needs to either agree a formal arrangement (whether that's alternate years for the whole period; alternating Xmas Eve/Christmas morning with Christmas afternoon/Boxing Day; alternate years with the other parent getting them for a few hours in Christmas day only etc) or know that if she digs her heels in this year then next year her Ex may do the same and be awkward for the sake of it too.

saraclara · 06/12/2022 01:05

Well with those massages you've said goodbye to ever seeing your kids on Christmas Day in the future, when it's not their usual day with you.

You should probably have thought about the repercussions before firing off those texts.

toomuchlaundry · 06/12/2022 01:14

How will you feel next year when you don’t see them at all on Christmas Day?

SillySausage81 · 06/12/2022 01:15

Speaking as the child of divorced parents, I personally think it's better to do the whole of Christmas with one parent one year and the other parent the next, rather than splitting Xmas day in half. But a lot of it depends on your kids and what they want (they might disagree with me). I appreciate that might make for a rather depressing Christmas for whichever parent doesn't have the kids this year... but it's a more relaxed and special time when it is your turn.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/12/2022 01:22

If yo u refuse to let him see the for a few hours this year, he prepared to not see them from Xmas Eve until we'll after next time it's his year.

pinkpotatoez · 06/12/2022 01:27

Yes you should have them the majority of the time this Christmas period, however not allowing your ex to see his kids at all on Christmas Day is a bit mean as you got Christmas morning for the last 3 years

Wheredoallthepensgo · 06/12/2022 02:23

PauliesWalnuts · 05/12/2022 22:27

Genuine question - what do your kids want to do? Surely that should be taken into account? Or are they too young to make that sort of decision?

Genuine question - why don't you read the OP where she says she checked with the kids first they were happy?

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