To ask family to help with cost of Xmas visit?

[horseyhorsey17]

I'm planning on going to visit my family in Devon for Xmas along with my two teenage kids. My brother and his wife and small kids are already staying with mum and dad, so there won't be room for me there, meaning I have to book me and the kids into a hotel. The problem is that hotels that weekend are not cheap and once you factor in a dogsitter (I have two dogs) and petrol costs, the weekend will cost me £600. I am a single mum and although I am comfortable financially (just!) I can't actually afford that. I'd have to whack it on a credit card which I really don't want to do. I've just bought a house (due to recent separation) and it needs a lot of work doing to it and every spare penny is being hoovered up by that and I'd rather not spend £600 I don't have right now anyway. Would it be a cheek to mention this to my brother, seeing as he gets to stay at mum and dad's for free, and see if he'd mind helping me out with hotel costs? I know everyone is really looking forward to the weekend, including my two kids, and I don't want to be the Grinch...I just don't have a spare £600!

have only read OPs posts, but in your shoes, OP, I'd tell them what you told us:

As previously stated, I thought I could afford it when I agreed. But as it turns out, I can't.

You can explain it to your kids the same way too, they'll be a bit disappointed but they'll get over it.

The point is that the OP is essentially being told that if she wants to join in with the family Christmas, she has to pay for a hotel - whereas her brother doesn't.

She shouldn't ask directly for money, but I think it's mean for her parents not to recognize that they're making it much harder for her to join in, due to the expense. Similar happens in my DH's family, we always have to pay if we want to be part of the celebrations, because no one else will!

We had another example of this today. One of his sister's texted him mentioning getting tickets to a musical for their parents...she said she could organize the trip but it's clear that she wants DH to cough up for them. He replied that it would be a lovely gift from the siblings...because there's four of them and they can all afford to contribute, we're actually the most stretched!

Some families are like this, the more generous ones are seen as the cash cows!

Tell them as you are newly divorced finances are a bugger. And can you come to some kind of arrangement.

Perhaps talk to your Mum on her own or send a message to her saying -
The Christmas plans sound lovely but, as you know, I am a single Mum and finances is really tight at the moment. Unfortunately I just don't have the spare money for us to stay at a hotel this year.
Leave it at that and see if they offer.

I would keep that money and spend it on the house or for the kids for sure, its not worth all that for 2 days. If your brother is only there for xmas could you go for new years eve etc?

if you don’t go, what are your back up plans for xmas day?

mam0918 No I don't think people should pay for me - I was literally putting it out there to see what the consensus was. I haven't asked anyone for money. In fact, I have always paid my own way in life and haven't had financial support from my parents at any point (apart from the £1K recently, for which I was very grateful). Last year, when I was still married, we did pay for a hotel over Xmas (and my brother stayed with my parents) so I think maybe they just assume that's what I do now.

The point really is that I just can't afford an extra £600 right now - as I'm going to have a tight few months until I've paid off the cost of moving/separating - but also feel guilty about bailing out of a family weekend, which I know will go down like a cup of cold sick with my family. I don't go to Devon very often as it is, for this reason - it's really expensive just to get a dogsitter!

Oh and to the poster commenting about hotels in Newton Abbot - my parents aren't anywhere near Newton Abbot.

I'm not really bothered about Christmas personally! I'd probably just cook a massive meal and watch crap telly with the kids! But I'm worried they'd find that boring and am also worried that they've had a sh*t year and so I suppose I do want to do something a bit special with them.

Ask your teens what they would like to do instead and book that.

It may be a movie, a meal out, a trampoline centre, whatever.

Have some nice days with them instead. Just one each and find cheap options. Including slobbing out infront of the tv.

You being stressed and broke plus travel stress, is actually worse for them. They will pick up on it and they will know. And the stress of being in debt will last far beyond Xmas.

Would they let you and dc sleep on blow up mattresses in the living room?

Otherwise, I agree with pp - don't go and say you can't afford the hotel stay.

What? No! You are a single parent who has to find £600. That’s a shit load of money, for most people. Please don’t sell anything to make the money. This is one of the things I hate about Christmas - people will put themselves into debt for that one day. They will put themselves under stress and worry, financially “because it’s Christmas!”. But that’s nonsense and absolutely unfair to you.

Please speak with your family and be truthful about your situation. Between all of you maybe you can work something out. But please don’t put your self in debt for the one day!

That sounds like a lovely couple of days to me! Can you then spend a wee bit of the money you won't spend on going to Devon, and treat your DC to an outing: a movie or an art gallery or something?

Or do a big project with them, or crafts or teach them to cook - children crave TIME with parents more than anything.

Have they got a sofa bed? Enough sofa space for the teens to kip on there?

Just call your mum and say you can't afford the hotel so can't come. It's the truth and she's your home. I'd hate any of my grown up kids to worry about talking to me honestly. They can cram you in, pay for you or ignore you. Their response would determine how hard I tried to maintain a relationship with them from now.

She's your mum

@horseyhorsey17 I don't know where in Devon you're going but in case it's near enough; the Wetherspoons hotel The Queen's Head in Tavistock is very nice and cheap, we paid £60 for a night last week and it seems to always be about that price, they have family rooms for similar I think too.

Invite your mum say to come for Mother's Day in March and be honest why you cannot go. You have just bought a house so hopefully they will understand.

There's absolutely nothing wrong in asking family members to contribute with food/drink.
Infact if I was going somewhere I wouldn't wait to be asked I'd offer to either buy something or make a monetary contribution.
In these times that applies to family BBQ's or other gatherings throughout the year.
I've noticed prices on the some food items have been creeping up every other week not just the once then evened out.

Can you ask your parents/ brother for a loan to cover the hotel or at least some of the cost which you will pay back when you have a less expensive month - or maybe in installments?

Alternatively do your parent have any friends locally who have a spare room you could use just to sleep in, while spending all day at your parents house?

Are you claiming Universal Credit and if not, have you checked whether you're eligible?

Sorry your plans have gotten complicated . I do think in your situation I would stay home this Christmas. That kind of outlay for the trip seems pretty big on top of moving expenses and rewiring your house(!).

I’d just explain to your mum that while the help they gave you definitely came in handy, you’re not comfortable with the travel expenses until things settle down.

then, ask your kids what they want to do (within reason) for your Christmas at home. With all of the big changes, they might actually like a lazy Christmas with each other and you.

Honestly op, you’re just need to say you can’t afford to come and stay in a hotel, and just leave it at that.

Honestly, after the crap year you've just had Christmas with just your immediate family, you and the DC, would be great! Plan things that YOU love to do, start some new family traditions for yourselves. See it as a chance to heal and grow, rather than on missing out. Put yourself first.

If your DB complains say "what would you know? You always get first dibs on the free accommodation. I can't afford it and that's the end of it."

Say similar to your DM.

You don't have to be aggressive about it, but you can point out the inequality and say that you will make choices that suit YOU given that nobody else will act in your best interests.

It's always difficult when there are unequal family dynamics

You know your family best, but if I were you I'd talk or write to my mum to say something along these lines:

I'd been planning to come at Christmas but I've looked again at the finances and I just can't afford to stay in a hotel. I did it last year but that was before my divorce and house move which have been expensive, as you know. If there isn't enough space for me and the boys to squeeze in at your house, we will have to stay at home for Christmas, sadly - but maybe we could visit after Christmas if we could stay at yours? And in future years maybe DB and I could take it in turns to stay over on Christmas Day - or maybe we could all club together for an Airbnb with enough space for everyone?

I expect you know this won't go down well, but paying £600 you can't afford isn't the answer. If your mother blames you for it, she really is a lost cause.

Hi horseyhorsey17, can i ask what you have decided to do?

@luxxlisbon

Are you accusing me of being mental?

would you like to explain what's 'mental' about wanting to stay with your family at Christmas?

accusing someone if being 'mental' isn't really acceptable anyway, even if you disagree with them.