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Original poster

To ask family to help with cost of Xmas visit?

257 replies

horseyhorsey17 · 05/12/2022 11:30

I'm planning on going to visit my family in Devon for Xmas along with my two teenage kids. My brother and his wife and small kids are already staying with mum and dad, so there won't be room for me there, meaning I have to book me and the kids into a hotel. The problem is that hotels that weekend are not cheap and once you factor in a dogsitter (I have two dogs) and petrol costs, the weekend will cost me £600. I am a single mum and although I am comfortable financially (just!) I can't actually afford that. I'd have to whack it on a credit card which I really don't want to do. I've just bought a house (due to recent separation) and it needs a lot of work doing to it and every spare penny is being hoovered up by that and I'd rather not spend £600 I don't have right now anyway. Would it be a cheek to mention this to my brother, seeing as he gets to stay at mum and dad's for free, and see if he'd mind helping me out with hotel costs? I know everyone is really looking forward to the weekend, including my two kids, and I don't want to be the Grinch...I just don't have a spare £600!

OP posts:
caringcarer · 06/12/2022 10:16

Don't get into debt over this. Just say house has cost you more than you had thought it would. Can't afford £500 for hotel. Say you will facetime Xmas day and go to visit one weekend in January when brother not there. They may offer to contribute but if not do a nice Xmas at home.

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 06/12/2022 11:27

Thanks again everyone - still mulling over what to do! But the replies have made me feel like I don't need to feel guilty about not going, so thank you all!

OP posts:
Soothsayer1 · 06/12/2022 12:04

but also feel guilty about bailing out of a family weekend, which I know will go down like a cup of cold sick with my family
Being expected to spend 600 quid I can't afford whilst my brother is indulged for free.... well that would feel like a bathtub full of cold sick to me
You have to make a stand, don't let them treat you like this just say sorry you dont have the money, and then leave it at that.
If they try on again it will be easier to stand up to them and soon they will stop trying it on because they know you won't tolerate it.

Soothsayer1 · 06/12/2022 12:07

AnotherEmma · 05/12/2022 21:39

It's always difficult when there are unequal family dynamics Sad Flowers

You know your family best, but if I were you I'd talk or write to my mum to say something along these lines:

I'd been planning to come at Christmas but I've looked again at the finances and I just can't afford to stay in a hotel. I did it last year but that was before my divorce and house move which have been expensive, as you know. If there isn't enough space for me and the boys to squeeze in at your house, we will have to stay at home for Christmas, sadly - but maybe we could visit after Christmas if we could stay at yours? And in future years maybe DB and I could take it in turns to stay over on Christmas Day - or maybe we could all club together for an Airbnb with enough space for everyone?

I expect you know this won't go down well, but paying £600 you can't afford isn't the answer. If your mother blames you for it, she really is a lost cause.

I would advise against sending that message, it makes you look grovelling and weak, don't explain, don't apologise, just say you don't have the money

AnotherEmma · 06/12/2022 12:10

Grovelling and weak? Hmm
If it was my family I'd want to propose solutions rather than just bluntly say "I can't afford it". Her mum might ignore or reject the suggestions but at least she can say she tried.
It's up to the OP, anyway.

DragonWasp · 06/12/2022 12:15

I agree with @AnotherEmma . To say you can't go because of money and not give any explanation is a bit passive aggressive.

MzHz · 06/12/2022 12:57

I disagree, and it's all about how she usually communicates with her family - I agree that the long winded message DOES appear grovelling and weak, FAR better to be clear, straight to the point and not expect them to fix it or change anything - at the end of the day, sadly the OP knows where she fits into the family dynamic.

"Sorry Mum, been looking at finances, and with all the work I have to do to the new house, I just can't justify the cost of a hotel over Christmas. So will stay put this year, and come and see you in the new year, or of course you are always welcome to come visit us! Have a lovely time, love you blah blah blah"

Soothsayer1 · 06/12/2022 13:04

DragonWasp · 06/12/2022 12:15

I agree with @AnotherEmma . To say you can't go because of money and not give any explanation is a bit passive aggressive.

Fair enough😊we all see things differently!
To me 'I can't afford it' serves as an explanation, I don't see what needs further explaining?

notnowB · 06/12/2022 13:07

How long are you going for? Couldn't you and your brother take turns at the hotel/parents' house, so that you're both paying half?

Mirabai · 06/12/2022 13:11

I have to agree that about the long text - it also sounds rather manipulative.

I would just be short and to the point.

Due to the split and move - finances are super tight. I’m really sorry but I find I just can’t afford the hotel stay. Happy to see you in the new year, or you’re welcome to drop in any time.

AnotherEmma · 06/12/2022 13:11

MzHz · 06/12/2022 12:57

I disagree, and it's all about how she usually communicates with her family - I agree that the long winded message DOES appear grovelling and weak, FAR better to be clear, straight to the point and not expect them to fix it or change anything - at the end of the day, sadly the OP knows where she fits into the family dynamic.

"Sorry Mum, been looking at finances, and with all the work I have to do to the new house, I just can't justify the cost of a hotel over Christmas. So will stay put this year, and come and see you in the new year, or of course you are always welcome to come visit us! Have a lovely time, love you blah blah blah"

See, this message contains an apology, whereas mine didn't.

i can see why the various suggestions come across as "grovelling" but that's because I gather from the OP's posts that she wants to make it work...

Of course everyone approaches this stuff differently. Also, I was just typing a mumsnet post, I wasn't actually writing to my mother, and I think if you're in the situation you will find your own words.

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 06/12/2022 14:03

I wouldn't want to say anything that could be construed as pass agg so am more likely to go with something along the lines of 'really sorry just can't afford it at the moment.'

OP posts:
Derbee · 06/12/2022 14:27

I think it’s very strange to make your daughter and grandchildren stay in a hotel at Christmas. So I wouldn’t worry about not doing it, and saying you can’t afford it.

All of your points are completely valid. But I think it should all be discussed reasonably in a phone call - it’s all too complicated and nuanced to do by text.

It’s a reasonable conversation that you paid for a hotel last year, and can’t afford it to become the norm, whilst your brother is allowed to stay at the house etc. But too much can be misconstrued over text.

MrKlaw · 06/12/2022 14:57

Derbee · 06/12/2022 14:27

I think it’s very strange to make your daughter and grandchildren stay in a hotel at Christmas. So I wouldn’t worry about not doing it, and saying you can’t afford it.

All of your points are completely valid. But I think it should all be discussed reasonably in a phone call - it’s all too complicated and nuanced to do by text.

It’s a reasonable conversation that you paid for a hotel last year, and can’t afford it to become the norm, whilst your brother is allowed to stay at the house etc. But too much can be misconstrued over text.

its pretty reasonable if you have no space that someone may need to stay in a nearby hotel. Whats less reasonable to me is that there is some space but seems to be first come first served rather than sharing the load in any way. Brother gets space in the house so they're ok and you have to shoulder the cost?

thats the frustrating part I think

Derbee · 06/12/2022 17:08

MrKlaw · 06/12/2022 14:57

its pretty reasonable if you have no space that someone may need to stay in a nearby hotel. Whats less reasonable to me is that there is some space but seems to be first come first served rather than sharing the load in any way. Brother gets space in the house so they're ok and you have to shoulder the cost?

thats the frustrating part I think

Show quote history

No, I find it very strange. My family would always squeeze each other in, with air beds/camp beds/sofas

Soothsayer1 · 06/12/2022 17:45

No, I find it very strange. My family would always squeeze each other in, with air beds/camp beds/sofas
OP has said that her stepfather has a strong dislike of other people staying in the house
presumably he's the one with all the power in the relationship and her mother just has to put up and shut up when he allows HIS child and grandchildren to stay but will not tolerate his wife's child and grandchildren?

Soothsayer1 · 06/12/2022 17:47

what it comes down to is he much prefers HIS child & grandchildren and his word is law, his stepdaughter and her children are just left twisting in the wind

Derbee · 06/12/2022 18:51

Soothsayer1 · 06/12/2022 17:47

what it comes down to is he much prefers HIS child & grandchildren and his word is law, his stepdaughter and her children are just left twisting in the wind

Yes, and that’s what’s so strange and unacceptable. They are BOTH the mother’s children, so she should be insisting that they’re both equally welcome.

If she can’t even do that, @horseyhorsey17 shouldn’t feel bad about not going

Soothsayer1 · 06/12/2022 19:23

They are BOTH the mother’s children, so she should be insisting that they’re both equally welcome
presume the stepfather rules the roost & makes sure that the child HE fathered has priority. If she tries to go against him he'll punish her by ruining xmas for everyone.... so she feels unable say anything, or to put it another way she is forced to sacrifice her daughters interests in order to keep the peace.

Vanderpump · 06/12/2022 19:27

I don't think I would want to Spend Christmas with these people, just have a really chilled time With your kids

Derbee · 06/12/2022 21:02

Soothsayer1 · 06/12/2022 19:23

They are BOTH the mother’s children, so she should be insisting that they’re both equally welcome
presume the stepfather rules the roost & makes sure that the child HE fathered has priority. If she tries to go against him he'll punish her by ruining xmas for everyone.... so she feels unable say anything, or to put it another way she is forced to sacrifice her daughters interests in order to keep the peace.

Exactly. So OP neednt feed bad about not going. She’s not being made a priority

Lilabelle22 · 06/12/2022 21:21

Just say you can't go due to what you've explained here but you'd love to next year and get dibs on the staying at parents

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 07/12/2022 14:54

I love my mum but yeah she's always sacrificed my interests to keep the peace, including booting me out of home at 18 because my stepdad had always said I couldn't live there past that age, and not speaking to my biological father (her ex husband) for over 30 years for the same reason.

But the way I see it, I could get upset and cause drama and not have a relationship with my family or I could just...not do that. After all it wouldn't really change anything. So I keep the peace, and also keep my own counsel. I know it's not ideal. I have a sister who gets much more angry about it all than I do. But I'm just past getting upset about it. It's just one of those things. I won't make the same mistakes my mum's made. I think the point this thread has highlighted though is that there's a difference between keeping the peace and letting yourself get walked over.

OP posts:
EasterIsland · 07/12/2022 16:49

I love my mum but yeah she's always sacrificed my interests to keep the peace, including booting me out of home at 18 because my stepdad had always said I couldn't live there past that age, and not speaking to my biological father (her ex husband) for over 30 years for the same reason.

You sound really nice, @horseyhorsey17 and very realistic and balanced. And not at all a drama llama.

But ...

You're a bit like the oiling frog - you've come to see your mother & stepfather's basic abuse of you as 'normal.' I hope you find a way to get out of that saucepan that's boiled you! (to push a metaphor really badly).

You might like to look at the "Stately Homes" thread in the Relationships bit of MN.

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 07/12/2022 16:56

Thanks! I'll take a look at it.

OP posts: