To ask family to help with cost of Xmas visit?

[horseyhorsey17]

I'm planning on going to visit my family in Devon for Xmas along with my two teenage kids. My brother and his wife and small kids are already staying with mum and dad, so there won't be room for me there, meaning I have to book me and the kids into a hotel. The problem is that hotels that weekend are not cheap and once you factor in a dogsitter (I have two dogs) and petrol costs, the weekend will cost me £600. I am a single mum and although I am comfortable financially (just!) I can't actually afford that. I'd have to whack it on a credit card which I really don't want to do. I've just bought a house (due to recent separation) and it needs a lot of work doing to it and every spare penny is being hoovered up by that and I'd rather not spend £600 I don't have right now anyway. Would it be a cheek to mention this to my brother, seeing as he gets to stay at mum and dad's for free, and see if he'd mind helping me out with hotel costs? I know everyone is really looking forward to the weekend, including my two kids, and I don't want to be the Grinch...I just don't have a spare £600!

What is your beef?! It’s like you want her to crawl across broken glass yelling “I’m poor!”

It’s perfectly normal to be broadly comfortable, but then temporarily not – the split, the move, the unexpected expenses – and find £600 on top too much.

@BelleMarionette all siblings were given the same amount of money £1000

The OP is the one expected to pay £600 to stay in a hotel at Christmas £600 so effectively they've given her brother £1000 & her £400.

hows that fair?

@horseyhorsey17 I'd just say, the kids & I don't want to stay in a hotel, we want to stay with the rest of the family, so we'll bring air beds etc.

if your SD doesn't like lots of people in the house, tough really. He can tell his son to stay elsewhere if it's that much if a problem!! Besides if you're spending the days there, what difference does sleepjng there make?

@horseyhorsey17 don't spend £600 on a hotel in your situation!

As a child we used to be like sardines in a tin at my Auntie's for Christmas.

In my teens, we used to have a neighbours relatives staying at ours, just sleeping mostly but some meals & activities, as we had spare rooms and the neighbours were at capacity!

OP do ignore that incredibly rude poster.

What is wrong with people?

Who rattled your cage?

No, they have moved several times since I was a child. I have never lived in their current home.

My stepdad and my mum have their own sh*t going on! It is her home too. But she has spent years appeasing him, and it's the principle dynamic in their relationship. There's no doubt that he's not the world's greatest person, but she's responsible for letting him control her, to a degree. But for all that, I am quite fond of him. Anyway my own dad is dead now and he's the closest thing I've got.

So what are you going to do OP?

The hotel isn't £600. OP hasn't said how much the hotel actually is and how much is petrol/dog sitter etc.

This thread has got a bit derailed with the ‘are you poor or arn’t you poor’ debate.

Considering the year you’ve had it sounds like you are doing really well OP.

In your place I’d be honest, the hotel is just not affordable this year for you. It’ll be tough because of family dynamics (isn’t it always!) but the fact they gave you a bit of cash towards renovations actually strengthens your point. And with cost of living etc. we all have to get more comfortable saying we just can’t afford something.

You're a twat. Jog on.

Thank you! It has not been easy, separating and my dad dying and moving house all within a few months. And changing job, as it happens!

It would be insulting to poor people to say I am poor. I am not. But anyway! I am not responding to whoever that absolute spoon of a poster is any more.

I’d just speak to your mum and half brother and explain you’d hoped to come but it’s not going to be possible financially and you’ll see them another time. The £600 hotel on top of everything this year is a stretch too far. You’ll kick yourself if you go and in new year boiler breaks, car needs work etc.

Jesus what is your problem? Comfortable for most people is paying the Bill's and having some money left over for savings not necessarily to splash out 600 to visit family. Such a weird point to get hung up on like you a desperately trying to get the OP to admit she is poor. Do you get a weird kick out of being better off than other people?

I think most people would find an extra £600 on top of general Christmas expenditure a little difficult.

Not sure I have anything to add beyond what others have suggested but I just thought this was so lovely. What a smashing MIL you have, @Dulra .

My mil sorts a holiday rental in the village and does not tell us how much it is and she always pays, she even puts Christmas decorations up in it. I see it as her present to herself because she loves having her sons and grandkids home

Not a solution to the immediate problem but not all pet sitters charge. I am one of many pet sitters who do it in return for free accommodation.

Trusted House Sitters website definitely worth a try. There’s currently 15 people in Devon looking for house/pet sitters at Christmas-time. There’s an annual fee to join, but it potentially could save you on accommodation and dog-sitting fees.

I'd drive down on Christmas Day morning with sleeping bags and airbeds and all sleep in whatever space is available. My three children would share a room at my parents whenever we visited when they were tiny. Now my boys are both over six foot, and my daughter not far off, one of them sleeps in the spare single bed and the other two sleep on the floor in the living room - one has to sleep under the table. They just about squeeze in, but it's only ever for one night. Collect your presents and then go home Boxing Day and relax.

Thanks for all advice (well, nearly all of it). I am mulling it all over! Unlikely I'll ask for money - well, I definitely won't - so currently thinking I might just have to say we'll come at another time. Or see if I can persuade an old local friend to put us up.

I agree with this. My parents live abroad and I've never paid for a flight home because I can't afford it, they run over £1k. I never guilt anyone into buying my ticket, I'd happily stay here. It's the only way I get to go home, so if they want me there they pay 😇

Gosh, no, I don't think you can ask anyone for money. But you can absolutely just be honest and say that money is really tight and you just can't afford it this year due to travel and hotel costs.

Hosting people is also expensive. I know, because we do it every bloody year as we're the only ones with a house big enough to do it (and MIL's partner is a controlling twat who won't let her children visit her there). We easily spend an extra £1000 around Christmas on food, drinks, electric/heating, days out, etc for the week that every parks themselves up here. I do want to see them, so we make it work. But I'd be aghast if anyone asked us to fund their hotel bill instead. I would understand, especially this year, if people couldn't come though and I would appreciate them being honest rather than stretching themselves too thin.

Oh big deal. However much it is, the point is, they gave all the siblings £1000 as that's 'fair' but now the OP is expected to spend a good chunk of money that her SB is not.

Just say you can’t afford it and perhaps visit the new year weekend instead. See what they say.

I know what you mean about it not being your family home. My widowed dad bought a house and pays for it entirely (all bills, food, furnishings etc). As soon as his long term girlfriend moved in, it definitely was no longer a place I feel comfortable in for more than 2 nights!! And I have to book in to stay in case one of her many offspring is there for a freebie!! She’s never worked and pays for nothing, yet somehow it’s her domain.

Personally I wouldn't go!

You would hope they understand as money is tight for a lot of people right now and quite honestly it seems like you have much better use of £600 at the minute.

you could mention it and see what they say! Make it clear the reason you can't come is because of the cost.

But honestly I would just stay home!

'Don’t ask for money just cancel and say you can’t afford to go.''

Be honest, talk to your mum and see if anyone comes up with a solution. If this was my family, me Dsis and parents would split the hotel cost.
Actually we would all squeeze in but if that wasn't an option there's no way they'd leave me out because I couldn't afford it.

Oooh er. I'm completely with you so far OP, but what kind of old friend can put up a mum and kids over Christmas at short notice?!