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Original poster

To ask family to help with cost of Xmas visit?

257 replies

horseyhorsey17 · 05/12/2022 11:30

I'm planning on going to visit my family in Devon for Xmas along with my two teenage kids. My brother and his wife and small kids are already staying with mum and dad, so there won't be room for me there, meaning I have to book me and the kids into a hotel. The problem is that hotels that weekend are not cheap and once you factor in a dogsitter (I have two dogs) and petrol costs, the weekend will cost me £600. I am a single mum and although I am comfortable financially (just!) I can't actually afford that. I'd have to whack it on a credit card which I really don't want to do. I've just bought a house (due to recent separation) and it needs a lot of work doing to it and every spare penny is being hoovered up by that and I'd rather not spend £600 I don't have right now anyway. Would it be a cheek to mention this to my brother, seeing as he gets to stay at mum and dad's for free, and see if he'd mind helping me out with hotel costs? I know everyone is really looking forward to the weekend, including my two kids, and I don't want to be the Grinch...I just don't have a spare £600!

OP posts:
Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 05/12/2022 11:57

theremustonlybeone · 05/12/2022 11:51

I wouldn't be going, you said yourself that your brother gets first dibs, they are aware of your situation and don't care that you have to stay at a hotel. Keep your money and enjoy your christmas with your DC.

It's not quite that black and white. They're not dicks, it's just the family dynamic - which I know isn't ideal but lots of families aren't even handed in their treatment of various members. I am the oldest child with a good job so they just consider I am fine and never need any help.

Also my kids are really looking forward to it and they've had a bit of a crap year with me and their dad splitting up, and they love seeing their family.

OP posts:
Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 05/12/2022 11:59

I thought I could! But actually this month I have a load of extra bills to pay, including having to rewire new house.

OP posts:
2pinkginsplease · 05/12/2022 12:03

I would just speak to them and say you can’t afford to pay for the dog sitter and a hotel so will just be having Christmas at home,. I wouldn’t be paying £600 to stay away at Christmas time, I’d rather be at home.

Saltywalruss · 05/12/2022 12:04

Couldn't you just sleep on blow-,up beds in the living room?

MrKlaw · 05/12/2022 12:04

if you were going on your own would you stay at their house for free? So the hotel only comes up because they don't have space?

If so - can you suggest the hotel costs are split between you and your brothers family? If they don't like paying for something they're not getting the value of, you can say they're free to take the hotel and you'll contribute?

stuntbubbles · 05/12/2022 12:05

I’d be tempted to ask if there’s a stable in the garden you can sleep in.

ehb102 · 05/12/2022 12:07

horseyhorsey17 · 05/12/2022 11:46

I hate asking for money. I also hate being a drama queen. So I am already working out if there's something I can sell or something to cover the costs rather than making a fuss!

But you're fine with being martyr?

Be assertive. State you can't afford it so you won't be coming - unless someone comes up with another solution for you.

snowspider · 05/12/2022 12:08

From your updates, it seems that your stepdad might be grumpy as too many people but you would be there a lot anyway even if you stayed in a hotel so I still think that you should go for the squeezing in option and just all take responsibility for jollying him along if the rest of the family all get on well

Mischance · 05/12/2022 12:08

I think you just need to say very simply that you have looked at a hotel and they are very expensive during the Christmas period and you cannot afford that.

This leaves the ball in their court to suggest a solution - money or finding a space for you.

Are you sure you really want to spend Christmas with a grumpy step father!!??

BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/12/2022 12:10

Have you looked at air bnbs?

MintChocCornetto · 05/12/2022 12:10

You're not being a drama queen or "making a fuss" to say 'actually mum, with the costs of the house I can't afford a hotel and dog sitter for us all to visit, so we will come and see you in the new year when there is room in the house for us to stay'.

Done.

TheOrigRights · 05/12/2022 12:10

Eugh, I don't discuss my personal finance with my family.
Why did you plan to go knowing you'd need to spend on a hotel?

Your choice is to raise the issue with the wider family and risk at best awkwardness and tension or at worst a big fall out.

I don't know if I've just got a bit bitter and twisted as I've matured, but I tend to just get on with my own life and fit in with plans if I can and invite people to me as well. There are too many people with their weird traditions or hang ups or opinions.

Me and my 2 boys will hole up with our Aldi stollen bites and Dobble and all will be good.

ffsnotagainandagain · 05/12/2022 12:11

Just stay at home. It's not unreasonable that you can't afford £600.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 05/12/2022 12:11

How far is it to travel?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/12/2022 12:11

That’s awful that he gets favoured because he’s your step dad’s biological son. How does you mum possibly square that with herself?

Surely thing is that regardless of who stays on the hotel the cost gets split?

Personally I’d quite fancy the hotel option - get away from the small children and any family bickering beginning and end of the day - but it’s not fair in the circumstances you describe, with the costs and a favoured older brother.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/12/2022 12:11

Or just don’t go!

Again, I’d rather be at home with two teens than in an overcrowded family situation.

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 05/12/2022 12:15

BigSandyBalls2015 · 05/12/2022 12:10

Have you looked at air bnbs?

Yes, they're even more expensive than a Travellodge/Premier Inn!

OP posts:
NoDairyNoProblem · 05/12/2022 12:16

I have read all your answers and think the best way to go is to say

‘I am sorry but it’s going to cost £600 for us to visit at Christmas and between moving, unexpected essential repairs and the ever increasing cost of living I just can’t afford it this year. I had budgeted £x and even that is now a stretch.
The Teens and I will terribly upset to miss you all but I can’t think of another solution. Perhaps we could come and stay with you on X date in the new year?’

I would mean it and be prepared to stay home and have a much cheaper fab day out on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day if finances allow.

fancyacuppatea · 05/12/2022 12:16

horseyhorsey17 · 05/12/2022 11:49

She does, always has.

And yes it would be awkward. He is a grumpy sod at the best of times and if he was fuming about this all weekend it would be no fun for anyone.

Families eh?!

Show quote history

So they're making your quite unwelcome...and you're dragging teenagers there...

Just tell them to shove it politely, obvs, you have "other plans" and save £500, spend the other £100 on Food, drink, takeaway, bones for the dogs...

GUARDIAN1 · 05/12/2022 12:17

I wouldn't ask for money. I would just say I'm very sorry but I can't afford it. Especially as recently had to get the house and with the cost of living etc etc, it's not do-able. Your mum will be disappointed I should think but if you go into debt/sell something in order to afford the dog-sitter and hotel this year, they'll expect it every year.

MaggieFS · 05/12/2022 12:18

MintChocCornetto · 05/12/2022 12:10

You're not being a drama queen or "making a fuss" to say 'actually mum, with the costs of the house I can't afford a hotel and dog sitter for us all to visit, so we will come and see you in the new year when there is room in the house for us to stay'.

Done.

Yep, this works. I know your DC are looking forward to it, but if you can't afford it, you can't afford it.

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 05/12/2022 12:20

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/12/2022 12:11

That’s awful that he gets favoured because he’s your step dad’s biological son. How does you mum possibly square that with herself?

Surely thing is that regardless of who stays on the hotel the cost gets split?

Personally I’d quite fancy the hotel option - get away from the small children and any family bickering beginning and end of the day - but it’s not fair in the circumstances you describe, with the costs and a favoured older brother.

Oh it's always happened, I am used to it. My mum is in denial and convinced she treats us all fairly. I gave up trying to talk to her about this years ago. We do have quite a complicated family tbh. Her first husband - my dad - died in August and they hadn't spoken for over 30 years (again mainly because of my stepdad refusing to let her have anything to do with him), yet inexplicably she was really upset and insisted on going to the funeral.

Anyway! I'm not a martyr and also to be fair to mum and my stepdad, they did just help me out with a grand towards my home improvements. Which is also why I don't really want to be asking for money. Arrgh! If only everything in life wasn't so bloody expensive!

OP posts:
fancyacuppatea · 05/12/2022 12:21

Are you sure the teen are that enthusiastic? or are they saying that because they think you want to go?

The other alternative is 3 sleeping bags and blow-up matresses on the living room floor Wink Maybe threaten suggest to your Mum that you'll be happy to do that...

Beautiful3 · 05/12/2022 12:22

I would say that I'm not coming, because it would cost over £600. See if they offer to help in anyway.

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 05/12/2022 12:23

TheOrigRights · 05/12/2022 12:10

Eugh, I don't discuss my personal finance with my family.
Why did you plan to go knowing you'd need to spend on a hotel?

Your choice is to raise the issue with the wider family and risk at best awkwardness and tension or at worst a big fall out.

I don't know if I've just got a bit bitter and twisted as I've matured, but I tend to just get on with my own life and fit in with plans if I can and invite people to me as well. There are too many people with their weird traditions or hang ups or opinions.

Me and my 2 boys will hole up with our Aldi stollen bites and Dobble and all will be good.

As previously stated, I thought I could afford it when I agreed. But as it turns out, I can't.

OP posts:
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