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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask family to help with cost of Xmas visit?

257 replies

horseyhorsey17 · 05/12/2022 11:30

I'm planning on going to visit my family in Devon for Xmas along with my two teenage kids. My brother and his wife and small kids are already staying with mum and dad, so there won't be room for me there, meaning I have to book me and the kids into a hotel. The problem is that hotels that weekend are not cheap and once you factor in a dogsitter (I have two dogs) and petrol costs, the weekend will cost me £600. I am a single mum and although I am comfortable financially (just!) I can't actually afford that. I'd have to whack it on a credit card which I really don't want to do. I've just bought a house (due to recent separation) and it needs a lot of work doing to it and every spare penny is being hoovered up by that and I'd rather not spend £600 I don't have right now anyway. Would it be a cheek to mention this to my brother, seeing as he gets to stay at mum and dad's for free, and see if he'd mind helping me out with hotel costs? I know everyone is really looking forward to the weekend, including my two kids, and I don't want to be the Grinch...I just don't have a spare £600!

OP posts:
Heartstopper · 05/12/2022 15:06

Does the hotel really have to be that expensive? In a similar situation, we stayed in a Premier Inn. Had breakfast there but spent all of the rest of the day with family, do really only slept there. It only had to be clean and functional, we weren't in the hotel for anything else it had to offer.
Sorry if you are taking about a Premier Inn type place already but, if that is the case, they are a lot more eexpensive than I remember paying.

sheepdogdelight · 05/12/2022 15:07

Heartstopper · 05/12/2022 15:06

Does the hotel really have to be that expensive? In a similar situation, we stayed in a Premier Inn. Had breakfast there but spent all of the rest of the day with family, do really only slept there. It only had to be clean and functional, we weren't in the hotel for anything else it had to offer.
Sorry if you are taking about a Premier Inn type place already but, if that is the case, they are a lot more eexpensive than I remember paying.

It's Devon. At Christmas. There is no cheap.

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 05/12/2022 15:07

I'd be totally fine with a caravan or motorhome but we don't have one! And my little car has no towing capacity!

OP posts:
Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 05/12/2022 15:08

I'm already booked into the cheapest local hotel I could find and it was still over £300 for three people for two nights.

OP posts:
getalifesonny · 05/12/2022 15:09

Just don't go and tell tem that you can't afford to come. Make new traditions with your own children now. It would be much cheaper and you will enjoy it more.

Wetblanket78 · 05/12/2022 15:09

Just say you can't afford to stay in as hotel. Suggest you take it in turns each year. So your brother stays this Christmas and you go for New year. Then next year you go to parents for Christmas and brother stays new year.

Zanatdy · 05/12/2022 15:11

I’d say to them all it’s unlikely you can come due to cost of hotel. See what they say

mam0918 · 05/12/2022 15:12

So you have money (but choose to spend it on your house) and are fincially comfortable (more than most) but think everyone else should pay your way?

What has dog sitters, petrol costs etc... got to do with anything?

If you choose to go you pay, arrangement existed prior to you deciding you fancy going along now, that doesn't suddenly mean they are going to pay YOUR costs to stay in a hotel.

It's all YOUR choice but not in any way their finacial burden, espcially as no one here knows anything about the other peoples finances (and neither do you you can only guess).

rookiemere · 05/12/2022 15:16

Heartstopper · 05/12/2022 15:06

Does the hotel really have to be that expensive? In a similar situation, we stayed in a Premier Inn. Had breakfast there but spent all of the rest of the day with family, do really only slept there. It only had to be clean and functional, we weren't in the hotel for anything else it had to offer.
Sorry if you are taking about a Premier Inn type place already but, if that is the case, they are a lot more eexpensive than I remember paying.

All hotels are a lot more expensive these days.
I've looked at Premier inns for a number of events- most of which are at least 6 months away - and rooms are at least £100. Even Travelodges (shudder) were not cheap.

Unfortunately it's not the cheap option it used to be.

stuntbubbles · 05/12/2022 15:19

mam0918 · 05/12/2022 15:12

So you have money (but choose to spend it on your house) and are fincially comfortable (more than most) but think everyone else should pay your way?

What has dog sitters, petrol costs etc... got to do with anything?

If you choose to go you pay, arrangement existed prior to you deciding you fancy going along now, that doesn't suddenly mean they are going to pay YOUR costs to stay in a hotel.

It's all YOUR choice but not in any way their finacial burden, espcially as no one here knows anything about the other peoples finances (and neither do you you can only guess).

Her brother is getting free accommodation and an invitation to come to the family home; OP is being asked to pay her own way and not exactly getting the same warm family embrace.

She’s never said the dog sitter and petrol costs are anyone’s but her own, but it’s relevant information as to why the visit costs so much in total.

pizzaHeart · 05/12/2022 15:21

I think you should just politely tell them that you can’t afford it anymore due to unexpected costs with the house, of course you are upset about it and would rather come to see them but…. Something like this.
I also think it’s better to tell your brother yourself why you are not coming because otherwise your stepdad might comment something like you don’t want to come/ to spend Xmas with them etc . Or your mum would tell a different reason trying not to worry him . However he should know and be aware about some realities of preferential treatment, not in a nasty way of course. He wouldn’t give you money for the hotel but it might got him thinking next time.

Heartstopper · 05/12/2022 15:21

Well Devon is a big county but I've just found family rooms on Christmas eve available for upwards of £50. £65 to 74 at the PI in Newtob Abbot for instance.

CuordiMela765 · 05/12/2022 15:22

Crumpleton · 05/12/2022 14:41

This is a good idea.

Failing that OP it's hard enough at the moment trying to keep heads above water on a day to day basis without throwing all costs Christmas into it.

Have you had a word with just your mum and explained to her.
In all honesty if you were my daughter the choices would be DH lightens up and we squeeze you in for a few days or we contribute to the hotel.

Show quote history

The trouble is, hosting gets quite expensive too! We are asking for family members who are staying with us to contribute some small items of food and wine this year as we were really out of pocket when we hosted last time and things are even more expensive this year. I hate asking but it all really adds up!

MeridianB · 05/12/2022 15:23

Bloody hell, OP, you’re more magnanimous than I would be.

Tell your mum you can’t afford it and have a nice Christmas at home with your children. It doesn’t sound much fun being with a grumpy man who treats you like a second class citizen anyway.

luckylavender · 05/12/2022 15:25

It seems late to be making arrangements.

CheeseIsMyPatronus · 05/12/2022 15:37

How about "We'll come up on Boxing Day and stay over then" - which means your brother and family get accomodation Christmas Eve and Christmas Night, you get accomodation Boxing Night and everyone gets to see each other?

You're right, once you need two rooms it does get expensive. £75 a night isn't bad, but when you need 2 rooms for 2 nights, there's your £300 up in smoke.

PhillySub · 05/12/2022 15:41

Your family knows about your situation but hasn't offered to help. I wouldn't ask, I would just say I can't make it this year.

gogohmm · 05/12/2022 15:41

I would simply say to them, I can't afford a hotel this year because of buying the house, so if I'm visiting I would need to stay with you, we'll bring campbeds, bedding and towels. If they then offer to pay for a hotel all well and good

MzHz · 05/12/2022 15:42

horseyhorsey17 · 05/12/2022 11:43

This hasn't been offered and I suspect it's because it's my dad (actually my stepdad)'s idea of hell to have that many people staying in his house. TBH as my brother is his biological son and I am not, my parents do tend to do a lot more for him than they do for me and he always gets first dibs with this kind of thing. I'm not bitter about that (well not much! Lol) it is what it is.

It only “is what it is” because “it is what you’re allowing it to be”

”mum, I’d love to come and spend Christmas with you, but it’s going to cost me £600 that I don’t have”

and plan to spend Christmas in your new home. Invite her to yours

Tillylime · 05/12/2022 15:51

horseyhorsey17 · 05/12/2022 12:38

Agree - the dogs are nobody's problem but mine! They are not allowed in my stepdad's house but that's his rule which I respect.

Show quote history

It’s very telling that you call it your stepdad’s house.
It should be your mum and stepdad’s home.

Coolyule · 05/12/2022 15:52

Don’t ask for money. Just explain you can’t afford it. Say- we would really love to come and see you at Christmas. However with everything that’s been going on, I don’t have the £600 we Need for the hotel so we won’t be able to come unfortunately. Really hope to see you soon.

Zonder · 05/12/2022 15:58

I agree with @Coolyule but the quote facility seems to have gone.

If it doesn't work out do you have local friends you could get together with over Christmas?

MaggieFS · 05/12/2022 16:05

If DB asked first, do be sure to put your request in for next Christmas while you are explaining why you can't do this year!

WonderfulCounsellors · 05/12/2022 16:07

It’s 50pp per night that is cheap unfortunately.

Just say you can’t afford it, it’s the truth and then just see what happens and then if nothing happens then it’s purely your decision if you ask about taking turns staying.

BaddogGooddoggy · 05/12/2022 16:07

It all depends on your relationship with your DPs/DB. If it’s good, they’ll respond well to the subject being raised. If it’s not so close - oh dear, credit card it is, or don’t go!