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Original poster

To ask family to help with cost of Xmas visit?

257 replies

horseyhorsey17 · 05/12/2022 11:30

I'm planning on going to visit my family in Devon for Xmas along with my two teenage kids. My brother and his wife and small kids are already staying with mum and dad, so there won't be room for me there, meaning I have to book me and the kids into a hotel. The problem is that hotels that weekend are not cheap and once you factor in a dogsitter (I have two dogs) and petrol costs, the weekend will cost me £600. I am a single mum and although I am comfortable financially (just!) I can't actually afford that. I'd have to whack it on a credit card which I really don't want to do. I've just bought a house (due to recent separation) and it needs a lot of work doing to it and every spare penny is being hoovered up by that and I'd rather not spend £600 I don't have right now anyway. Would it be a cheek to mention this to my brother, seeing as he gets to stay at mum and dad's for free, and see if he'd mind helping me out with hotel costs? I know everyone is really looking forward to the weekend, including my two kids, and I don't want to be the Grinch...I just don't have a spare £600!

OP posts:
FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 05/12/2022 11:32

Just say you can't afford the hotel and see if anyone offers to help. You can't ask.

It's pretty shitty grab you're expected to fork out £600 and his family is going for free!

NerrSnerr · 05/12/2022 11:34

I think you just need to tell them that you can't afford to go- I wouldn't ask for money.

Is there any way you can all fit into your parents? When I visit mine the 4 of us sleep in one room. Is there space for you all to do similar.

cookie4640 · 05/12/2022 11:36

I agree with fuckoffee - it’s hardly fair that your brother can stay for free - ask if he could grab a hotel and you stay at your parents instead?

aSofaNearYou · 05/12/2022 11:36

YANBU, it doesn't seem right that he gets to stay for free and you have to pay £600.

snowspider · 05/12/2022 11:36

I would suggest all squeezing in the house, presumably you will all be there in the day/evening so I would bunk up for sleeping

dutysuite · 05/12/2022 11:38

I wouldn’t ask, I would mention the cost and say something about having to reconsider visiting because of it.

Fairyliz · 05/12/2022 11:39

These are your parents, surely they have some idea of your financial situation? Just tell them you can’t afford to visit if you have to stay in a hotel.

Tohaveandtohold · 05/12/2022 11:41

Just mention that you can’t afford the costs of the hotel at this time and ask if you all squeeze in the house.
If they will help with the cost, that’s when they’ll say it.

IncompleteSenten · 05/12/2022 11:42

It depends if you have that sort of relationship with him.
With some families it would be absolutely fine. They'd want to help.
Some would find it really rude.

Only you know how it would go.

You could tell them you can't afford to come down and go from there.

MajorCarolDanvers · 05/12/2022 11:42

Don't ask. You just need to tell them
You can't afford to go.

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 05/12/2022 11:43

This hasn't been offered and I suspect it's because it's my dad (actually my stepdad)'s idea of hell to have that many people staying in his house. TBH as my brother is his biological son and I am not, my parents do tend to do a lot more for him than they do for me and he always gets first dibs with this kind of thing. I'm not bitter about that (well not much! Lol) it is what it is.

OP posts:
MaggieFS · 05/12/2022 11:44

How did it come to be that he's staying and you're expected to get a hotel? Do you alternate?

How well do you all get on? It's always awkward to ask anyone for money. Can you explain to your mum how worried you are about costs and see if you can all squeeze into the house?

DurhamDurham · 05/12/2022 11:45

I think if I couldn't afford to go I'd just tell them and see if they offer to chip in. I definitely couldn't ask, I'd rather stay at home.

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 05/12/2022 11:46

I hate asking for money. I also hate being a drama queen. So I am already working out if there's something I can sell or something to cover the costs rather than making a fuss!

OP posts:
Soothsayer1 · 05/12/2022 11:47

It sounds as if your mum feels she has to defer to your step father and give his child priority over you?
I would just say I can't afford to go but make it very clear the reason is because I can't afford the cost of the hotel and the dog sitter.
Even if you did stay at your mother's it would presumably be very uncomfortable if your stepfather made it clear you were unwelcome?

stuntbubbles · 05/12/2022 11:48

Oh, the stepdad dynamics add a new spin. That’s really unfair.

I’d approach your mum first and ask about the sleeping arrangements and try to organise via her rather than through both of them.

Soothsayer1 · 05/12/2022 11:48

horseyhorsey17 · 05/12/2022 11:46

I hate asking for money. I also hate being a drama queen. So I am already working out if there's something I can sell or something to cover the costs rather than making a fuss!

No!
you should speak out, otherwise you'll be stuck in the same situation every year and your step brother will increasingly get priority over you

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 05/12/2022 11:49

Soothsayer1 · 05/12/2022 11:47

It sounds as if your mum feels she has to defer to your step father and give his child priority over you?
I would just say I can't afford to go but make it very clear the reason is because I can't afford the cost of the hotel and the dog sitter.
Even if you did stay at your mother's it would presumably be very uncomfortable if your stepfather made it clear you were unwelcome?

She does, always has.

And yes it would be awkward. He is a grumpy sod at the best of times and if he was fuming about this all weekend it would be no fun for anyone.

Families eh?!

OP posts:
StollenAway · 05/12/2022 11:49

Oh that is frustrating OP. I’d say something like ‘I’m so sorry Mum but I just can’t afford to come this year because of the house etc’ - IMO it’s bonkers to go into debt for Christmas but I know others will feel very differently - anyway if my brother needed financial help to come and visit I’d provide it in a heartbeat.

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 05/12/2022 11:50

Soothsayer1 · 05/12/2022 11:48

No!
you should speak out, otherwise you'll be stuck in the same situation every year and your step brother will increasingly get priority over you

Show quote history

He is my half brother and he's actually lovely. But is used to getting preferred treatment so I don't think he even thinks anything of it.

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 05/12/2022 11:51

StollenAway · 05/12/2022 11:49

Oh that is frustrating OP. I’d say something like ‘I’m so sorry Mum but I just can’t afford to come this year because of the house etc’ - IMO it’s bonkers to go into debt for Christmas but I know others will feel very differently - anyway if my brother needed financial help to come and visit I’d provide it in a heartbeat.

I agree with this approach..

theremustonlybeone · 05/12/2022 11:51

I wouldn't be going, you said yourself that your brother gets first dibs, they are aware of your situation and don't care that you have to stay at a hotel. Keep your money and enjoy your christmas with your DC.

Soothsayer1 · 05/12/2022 11:53

She does, always has
I would just focus on your mother, just keep saying you're very sorry but you can't afford the hotel bill you would love to be there but you just can't, you'll have to be prepared actually stay away though in order to motivate her to stand up to her husband.
Don't shoot for trying to make them feel guilty, just keep saying you're really sorry but you simply can't afford it.

Tipsyturvychocolatemonster · 05/12/2022 11:55

It seems they don’t know you can’t afford it. So you’re going to have to use your words and tell them.

just say I am very sorry money is tight this year and I can’t afford the costs of 600 , would anyone wish to help out financially otherwise I am afraid I need to cancel

what I can’t understand is why you agreed in the first place knowing you can’t afford it.

NEmama · 05/12/2022 11:56

I'd stay at home tbh

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