To ask family to help with cost of Xmas visit?

[horseyhorsey17]

I'm planning on going to visit my family in Devon for Xmas along with my two teenage kids. My brother and his wife and small kids are already staying with mum and dad, so there won't be room for me there, meaning I have to book me and the kids into a hotel. The problem is that hotels that weekend are not cheap and once you factor in a dogsitter (I have two dogs) and petrol costs, the weekend will cost me £600. I am a single mum and although I am comfortable financially (just!) I can't actually afford that. I'd have to whack it on a credit card which I really don't want to do. I've just bought a house (due to recent separation) and it needs a lot of work doing to it and every spare penny is being hoovered up by that and I'd rather not spend £600 I don't have right now anyway. Would it be a cheek to mention this to my brother, seeing as he gets to stay at mum and dad's for free, and see if he'd mind helping me out with hotel costs? I know everyone is really looking forward to the weekend, including my two kids, and I don't want to be the Grinch...I just don't have a spare £600!

Just be aware that the position in the family that you accept for you, you are also accepting for your dc. I don't know how deep it goes in your family, or how important it is, but your dc may not accept second class citizenship with the same attitude.

Not that you can fix that - it's not your fault. Just know they'll notice how gp's treat brother v you, cousins v them.

I think the fact the hotel was booked in October plays into your favour... "as you know, we were planning to come and really looking forward to it, but xyz costs have since come up and I just can't afford the £600 for the hotel. I'm sorry to let you down, but we'd love to come and stay in the New Year".

And hopefully you won't get an earful about the size of Turkey which has already been ordered...

Why do you keep calling it your step dad's house?
Is it not your mum's house? Is it not the family home?

It's all very odd. Sounds like your mum is also treated as a second class citizen if it isnt even considered as her home, only considered as his.

He sound shit. She sounds useless. Dont even think about spending £600 to go and see them when you're barely wanted by the sounds of it.

Cheers for that.

Depends on your definition of 'comfortable' doesn't it? I can afford my living costs so long as I don't have an extra £600 on top of an already expensive month, when I've also had to pay to rewire my house as it turned out that was faulty. Plus I've just separated and moved into a new house, none of which comes cheap. I've spent all my savings on moving.

Nice to know there's always at least one Mumsnetter who'll tell you you're always doing everything wrong though.

I'd just say that you won't be there - that you & your DC are having Christmas at home, because you can't afford a hotel. It's true & it's probably good to hunker down with your DC after a trauma such as a family breakup.

Yeah, I know, and I can't fix it. It's not great but I can't do anything about that. I don't want to cut all ties or do anything drastic, I just think it's a shame for my kids really.

I definitely wouldn’t ask. Just say it’s too expensive and maybe next year you can stay at your parents. Do Christmas at home. £600 is a lot by most peoples standards to spend in addition to all the other Xmas expenses

He is my half brother and he's actually lovely. But is used to getting preferred treatment so I don't think he even thinks anything of it.

You poor thing - this is tough. There's another thread on here where the OP is getting a lambasting because she sees her brother's family treated and spoiled and it brings home to her that her brother has always been favoured over her, right back to their teens.

Parents should do better in these matters. Children always know if there's a favoured child.

Just stay home & enjoy the peace & quiet in YOUR new home, away from all the grumpiness & favouritism. Make some new traditions with your lovely DC!

It's not my family home, I didn't grow up there. It's my mum and stepdad's house.

We recently stayed in a hotel for a family get-together (we were the only ones who did) and my FIL offered to cover the cost-we didn’t ask him to, but he realized that we were the only ones who’d be paying for accommodation (there simply wasn’t enough room in the house)

As it turns out, what he gave DH didn’t completely cover the hotel, but it was a lovely gesture.

Anyway, I’d be honest and say that with the high cost of living, you’ve had to rethink your plans and you’ll have to stay at home this year. Don’t make a big thing of it, just tell them and be done. If they want to offer to help cover the costs, they will. Sorry you’re in this position, OP, it stinks.💐

It's quite sad that you keep saying you're just used to their preferential treatment of your brother.

Plus, we’re always the ones who pay for accommodation as certain other siblings never offer to stay in a hotel …funny how that is, sounds abit like your brother.😂

Have you looked at trusted house sitters? Lots of people want someone to look after their house and pets while they are away. Or ask your mum if she knows of anyone local?

Otherwise, if you can't afford it, then don't go. Since you have already been given a large hand out, it would seem very presumptuous to ask for more money.

Oh I'll look for that thread. I didn't want to share a long family backstory in MN but yeah it is hurtful when you are the least favourite child. I am OK though, I am popular outside family circles where your friends choose you because you're a decent human being and they like you and not on weird family dynamics. And I have amazing kids. And I am generally very good at getting on with things and not making a fuss, as that's basically what I've been raised to do. I am just skint AF this month!

Wow. Hi, OP’s stepdad.

Didn’t know schools had broken up early for Christmas

Well, what can you do about it? They've not been the world's best parents in lots of ways - including their treatment of my biological dad, and booting me out of home at 18 - but lambasting them isn't going to turn me into their favourite child, more likely to have the opposite effect. And I care about my family, despite the aforementioned sh*tness.

LOL!

I was actually surprised I got as far into the thread as I did without someone telling me this situation was all my fault and calling me a CF, despite the fact I haven't done anything yet or asked anyone for money!

Who put salt in your coffee??

FFS you're just being nasty, why??

Um. Yes I am. Not being able to afford another £600 to effectively go on holiday is cutting back on a luxury not a necessity.

Most single mothers who've just separated and moved house don't have an awful lot of disposable income.

Spend Christmas with friends who adore you rather than them

It's just one of those Mumsnet types who thinks everyone under £100K a year is a peasant.

They kicked you out when you were 18? So you did spend some of your childhood there.

I assumed that since they had a child together, you weren't an adult when they got together. So you'd have spent at least some of your childhood in that home. At least teenage years.

And it is your mum's home. But you keep calling it your step dad's house. As if your mum has no place there.

Does your mum get a say? If you told her that you cannot afford a hotel and asked to stay, could she say yes or would that decision lie with him?

I'll repeat what I said. He sounds shit and she sounds useless. Dont go. Keep a relationship going of course, but dont put yourself out and dont get into debt to go and see them.