Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask family to help with cost of Xmas visit?

257 replies

horseyhorsey17 · 05/12/2022 11:30

I'm planning on going to visit my family in Devon for Xmas along with my two teenage kids. My brother and his wife and small kids are already staying with mum and dad, so there won't be room for me there, meaning I have to book me and the kids into a hotel. The problem is that hotels that weekend are not cheap and once you factor in a dogsitter (I have two dogs) and petrol costs, the weekend will cost me £600. I am a single mum and although I am comfortable financially (just!) I can't actually afford that. I'd have to whack it on a credit card which I really don't want to do. I've just bought a house (due to recent separation) and it needs a lot of work doing to it and every spare penny is being hoovered up by that and I'd rather not spend £600 I don't have right now anyway. Would it be a cheek to mention this to my brother, seeing as he gets to stay at mum and dad's for free, and see if he'd mind helping me out with hotel costs? I know everyone is really looking forward to the weekend, including my two kids, and I don't want to be the Grinch...I just don't have a spare £600!

OP posts:
1983Louise · 05/12/2022 12:23

Would Airbnb be a cheaper option, especially if it's self catering accommodation. I'd take a look even if it's a couple miles a way from your Mum's and your brother picks you up Christmas morning x

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 05/12/2022 12:24

GUARDIAN1 · 05/12/2022 12:17

I wouldn't ask for money. I would just say I'm very sorry but I can't afford it. Especially as recently had to get the house and with the cost of living etc etc, it's not do-able. Your mum will be disappointed I should think but if you go into debt/sell something in order to afford the dog-sitter and hotel this year, they'll expect it every year.

This is the direction I am leaning in.

OP posts:
bjrce · 05/12/2022 12:24

Honestly OP,

Your family will be very aware of your situation - if you don't call it out - it suits them to pretend they are not aware and say nothing.

OK its your Stepdads home - that's fine, you know he doesn't like crowds in the house and is fine to put his son and family up. That's an upspoken rule.

What I would do is - be honest. Tell your parents - you and the kids would love to come for Christmas, but having looked into booking a hotel, its far too expensive for you given the year you've just had and a new house move.
Call out - you understand they don't want a crowd in the house and there's probably no room for you and your DC so therefore we won't be able to make the trip.

Don't ask anyone for money. Leave it with them. If they do nothing to support you at that point - I would stay home for Christmas, don't put yourself into further debt just because you don't want to embarrass your DP. I know your Kids will be upset but you have to be realistic.

You might be surprised, they may come up with a solution!

Dulra · 05/12/2022 12:26

This happens a lot when we visit my in laws also in Devon. If my brother in law and his family are there at the same time we don't all fit. My mil loves having everyone because both my husband and his brother live overseas. My mil sorts a holiday rental in the village and does not tell us how much it is and she always pays, she even puts Christmas decorations up in it. I see it as her present to herself because she loves having her sons and grandkids home.

I agree with some posters that you just need to say you can't afford the hotel this year and see could they split it 3 ways - you, your brother and mum so £200 each which is much fairer. It is simply unfair that you always have to fork out for hotel when your brother gets to stay for free. If they have an issue unfortunately the only other option is you don't go. Don't make this just your problem it, imo, is for everyone to sort out so you can all be together at Christmas

chella2 · 05/12/2022 12:26

Could you talk to your brother about the problem? Is there a chance he'd offer to do the hotel stay instead?
Or maybe think of staying just one night and all squeezing in?

I wouldn't want to get into debt in those circumstances .

MarianneVos · 05/12/2022 12:30

I don't think the petrol money and dog sitter cost should be split, as your brother will have petrol too and the dog is your choice.

However, I think splitting just the hotel cost would be fair.

Figgygal · 05/12/2022 12:31

Dont put yourself into debt for this
If they really wanted you there they would consider a compromise or some financial support without you needing to ask.

Wakk · 05/12/2022 12:32

I would say you've looked at hotels and with the other costs it's going to be £600 that you just don't have.

sheepdogdelight · 05/12/2022 12:33

Can you rearrange your visit to a time that your brother isn't there?
Or so that you arrive the day he is going so that you have a day in common, but no sleeping there in common iyswim?

I wonder if your parents realise quite how expensive hotels are at that time of year? My parents also live in a popular seaside place, and seem to have no idea how much it costs to stay round here unless you go very out of peak.

Tipsyturvychocolatemonster · 05/12/2022 12:35

Ok that’s a bit of a drip feed that they’ve just given you a grand, I can see why you don’t want to ask them for more, especially as you’ve already said you can afford it and want to go.

if you really can’t you’re going to have to just say I can’t afford it,I know you’ve just given me a thousand pounds, so I can cancel, i am really sorry

Derbee · 05/12/2022 12:35

MarianneVos · 05/12/2022 12:30

I don't think the petrol money and dog sitter cost should be split, as your brother will have petrol too and the dog is your choice.

However, I think splitting just the hotel cost would be fair.

I agree with this. The hotel cost is the only thing that should be mentioned. It’s fair that it’s split.

Petrol/dog sitter/new house is nothing at all to do with your brother.

Greatbiggoldfish · 05/12/2022 12:35

Just explain you can’t afford it and why and stand back and see if anyone helps or comes up with a solution . Perhaps your mum and step dad could cover the hotel cost in place of a present for example

DragonWasp · 05/12/2022 12:36

Can't you ask to go on a different weekend so that you can stay with them?

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 05/12/2022 12:38

MarianneVos · 05/12/2022 12:30

I don't think the petrol money and dog sitter cost should be split, as your brother will have petrol too and the dog is your choice.

However, I think splitting just the hotel cost would be fair.

Agree - the dogs are nobody's problem but mine! They are not allowed in my stepdad's house but that's his rule which I respect.

OP posts:
OnlyFannys · 05/12/2022 12:38

I agree with PP that you need to speak up and say it's not going to be doable financially but you can come down and visit later that week once your brother has gone and stay at the house, that way your kids still get to see the family

BellePeppa · 05/12/2022 12:38

When I have a lot of family over at Christmas (all age groups) everyone is put up but it’s a case of however they can sleep - air beds, sleeping bags, sofas. One year I actually thought I may have to sleep in the bath as we were so accommodating 😁 can you all muck in and ‘camp’ there any way you can?

Original poster
horseyhorsey17 · 05/12/2022 12:40

MarianneVos · 05/12/2022 12:30

I don't think the petrol money and dog sitter cost should be split, as your brother will have petrol too and the dog is your choice.

However, I think splitting just the hotel cost would be fair.

Absolutely, I was only going to mention the hotel cost. If I mention anything!

OP posts:
OnTheBackOfMyFoot · 05/12/2022 12:46

This is so dependent on family dynamics and financial situations. If I was your half brother and could afford it I'd MUCH prefer to be asked. I'm a bit paranoid about causing offence and getting things wrong so for me to be asked straight up would be fine since I'd be happy to contribute anyway. I know for other people though they'd feel they HAD to contribute if they were asked and it could make things awkward.

gamerchick · 05/12/2022 12:47

Just tell them you've done the sums and you can't afford to visit this year. But happy fo a facetime after lunch or something.

You can't afford it, don't put yourself into debt and certainly don't ask for money. Just plan a Christmas at home this year.

Ivyonafence · 05/12/2022 12:49

Oh that's so unfair and pretty crap of them to put your brother up and not you.

Family stuff is complicated though, I'd probably just cop it and pay for the hotel to avoid an argument.

Could you mention to your mum that you are worried about how you will cover costs given the hotel is £600? Maybe she will offer to chip in.

MarianneVos · 05/12/2022 12:49

Tipsyturvychocolatemonster · 05/12/2022 12:35

Ok that’s a bit of a drip feed that they’ve just given you a grand, I can see why you don’t want to ask them for more, especially as you’ve already said you can afford it and want to go.

if you really can’t you’re going to have to just say I can’t afford it,I know you’ve just given me a thousand pounds, so I can cancel, i am really sorry

Quite, I'd missed that but when I posted. I would just swallow the hotel costs if they've just given you £1k! Presumably your brother didn't get that as well?

JennyJenny8675309 · 05/12/2022 12:50

OP, you seem to have a very balanced approach to the situation with your family dynamics.

newnamequickly · 05/12/2022 12:50

I'd say what you've said here. That some unexpected big bills mean you haven't got the £600 it will cost to come.

Your mother may have no idea of the cost to you. Im probably a similar age to your mum and wouldn't have realised it was that much.

I'd also suggest that if you can bunk down on blow up beds you could come. At this point they might offer to pay for a hotel.

Failing this I'd ask her if could you could have first dibs on staying next year. Say alternating staying would be the fairest thing for the children.

Families!

FallingsHowIFeel · 05/12/2022 12:51

I just wouldn’t even contemplate doing this.

£600 to spend time with a mum that doesn’t stand up for you or prioritise you and a step dad that’s a grumpy arse. No chance I’d leave my dogs and spend money I could use on my kids or house for anyone like that. It amazes me that anyone would even consider it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 05/12/2022 12:54

How long will your brother and his family be staying? Could you go down a few days after Christmas, once he has gone? That way your kids wouldn’t miss out on visiting their Grandparents, and you could do a nice Christmas at home for a lot less than £600.

Swipe left for the next trending thread