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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to a wedding - advice please!

295 replies

Derby2022 · 05/12/2022 00:38

Hi guys, long time reader, first time poster !

I cant sleep and something is playing on my mind
I dont know maybe want to rant? look for some advice?

I've known this woman since my teens, we are both now nearly 30 and I always hate to say it like this but I would consider her in our 'friendship circle' - all major milestones (weddings, babies, 18ths, 21sts, engagments etc) with in our group have been shared with this woman, theres 6 of us 'school friends' in this group, and she came into our lives when she moved into our sixth form when she was 17.... you know the usual routine with this - birthdays, marriages etc its always us on the same table with our DH's (not me I'm single!) etc - I wouldn't say I was the closest to her, as she moved away for a few years, but she's a nice enough woman and we get on great (and her husband to be is a lovely man)

Anyway I've always invited this person to EVERYTHING i've ever done (as is the standard in our group) however, she is getting married next year, and I recently met up with one of the girls for lunch and she mentioned about the dress she was wearing, and how excited she was for the big day, and it dawned on me that the invites to everything had obviously already been dished out...and mines obviously been lost in the post. I mentioned to "Sarah" (friend) that I'd not heard anything about it yet, and do you think "Chelsea" has forgot? To which "Sarah" told me that "oh she mentioned that she's all finished organising now, everything's done, hen sorted, all sorts"

I was slightly shocked and asked Sarah if I was even invited to which she said "Well I mean if your invite hasn't come yet, I'd say no probably not" and changed subject.

I really don't know what to do or think - we've never had a fall out or cross word, and I consider her a friend - but now I really don't know what to think anymore

2 weeks ago we was laughing and joking about my bad date, and then I found that out a few days later!

Because of the dynamic of the group, I don't want to prod or ask any questions as she can be a bit 'stroppy' when she wants to be (Ive heard reports she's been the ultimate bridezilla) and I don't want to ruin our friendship group - but it just feels like 15 years of friendship literally means nothing anymore?

I mean I totally get with weddings its about numbers and people and budgets etc, and I would totally respect if she only invited me to the evening reception but if you imagine a table of our friendship I am literally the only one who won't be on the table, despite that fact that its always been 'our group' and we've done all these things together before - As I said no fall outs or anything, and as far as I am aware she isn't cross with me for anything at all? I have also found out shes invited our friend "Jo"'s boyfriend despite the fact they've only been together for 8 months.

It's really made me question things now because I'm planning a big 30th birthday, and part of me wants to not invite her, purely because I obviously don't mean anything to her if she can't even invite me to her wedding (Reception at least) and also because why should I cater for, and accommodate her and her 2 children and DH(to be) if I'm not even worth an evening invite....

Problem is though that I don't want to risk upsetting our friendship dynamic, and because of her volatile temper, she is the type that would be in the group chat kicking off, or demanding I explain myself to her which would then cause tension between everyone.

AIBU to be upset by this?

Any advice on what to do for my 30th party, and things going forward?

So sorry for the long post but I have insomonia and writing these things helps me calm down

OP posts:
WindyHedges · 05/12/2022 15:37

I suspect it's because you are single. Not something a Bridezilla likes to contemplate - an independent woman.

I'd be inclined to invite her to my birthday party, but I love taking the moral high ground very obviously and passive-aggressively!

Wakk · 05/12/2022 15:41

I wouldn't ask

FHmama · 05/12/2022 15:46

I would definitely ask.

bookworm1982 · 05/12/2022 16:04

Tessasanderson · 05/12/2022 15:23

Group of 6 long time friends and not one of them has the guts to call out the bride on excluding you? Its time to reassess your friendship group. If i was one of those 6 i would be the first to ask why one of the others had been excluded and pointing out that the person needs told personally. Start with friend who quickly changed the subject. Thats not how friends behave.

100% this!!!

MXVIT · 05/12/2022 16:09

I'd be really sad! I think you should ask her

Would also quesiton Sarah's loyalty...seems like what she said was a bit hurtful

MXVIT · 05/12/2022 16:10

Agree with PP the girls going should ABSOLUTELY be calling out your friend on this if it is a deliberate oversight.

I certainly wouldnt be going. if you're as close as you say you are it just wouldnt feel right without you there

SunnyK43 · 05/12/2022 16:14

Downtown123 · 05/12/2022 02:47

Maybe the evening invitations haven’t been sent out yet and the hen hasn’t been arranged yet

OP mentioned "Sarah" said the hen and everything else were all sorted though, so....yeah, I'd be peeved too. I'd be petty about things too. "Heard you're getting married, congratulations! Oh and don't worry about missing my birthday because of your honeymoon. Ta!"

OneFrenchEgg · 05/12/2022 18:11

TeenyTomTilly
I had the same thing happen to me years ago. We have a big friendship group and one couple getting married decided to invite everyone but me and DH. We heard through friends it was because she needed to invite "her dad's friends" or some bullshit. It really hurt me. Like you we saw them regularly and so there was no obvious reason why they would invite all other 7 couples and not us. We were invited to the reception but we came up with our own bullshit excuses back to them and didn't go. To this day we are still in the same friendship circle but I don't trust them and would never get close to them again.

I'm sorry your friend did this to you. I wish I had the guts back then to call them out on it. But you're always scared of rocking the boat when your whole friendship circle is on the line because of one incident.

We invited them to our wedding a few years later.

But they invited you to the reception? Maybe the church was very small?

Milesty1 · 05/12/2022 18:40

So many people worrying about ‘dignity’ and ‘pride’ - what old-fashioned concepts. This is supposedly her close friend group so why let it fester? If you’re wondering why you weren’t invited, just ask her and then move on. There’s the direct route ‘why wasn’t I invited’ or the indirect ‘did you lose my invitation’. None of them are bad options. Once you know, you move on.

sheepdogdelight · 05/12/2022 19:15

Milesty1 · 05/12/2022 18:40

So many people worrying about ‘dignity’ and ‘pride’ - what old-fashioned concepts. This is supposedly her close friend group so why let it fester? If you’re wondering why you weren’t invited, just ask her and then move on. There’s the direct route ‘why wasn’t I invited’ or the indirect ‘did you lose my invitation’. None of them are bad options. Once you know, you move on.

Agree - I always find these threads baffling.
Either you're close friends in which case you should feel able to ask why you weren't invited.
Or you're not close, in which case it's not that strange that you haven't been invited.

Welshmonster · 05/12/2022 20:04

With all the post strikes could it have got lost in the post?

I would find out first if you were excluded and then go from there.

how would you feel not inviting her to party? If not inviting will make you feel rubbish then don’t do it.

the others in your group don’t sound very nice either so maybe time to make new friends

Fireflybaby · 05/12/2022 20:12

An no-one from the group bothered to question bridezilla about you not being invited... such good friends.. 🙄

Mummyof4Ireland · 05/12/2022 20:21

If she's not getting married until next year would the invitation be out already...assuming it's not at the start of January? Here it's about 6weeks before the wedding before we send invitation. But if she's excluded you on purpose cut all ties. That's not a friend! Definitely send her a message and ask what's going on. Make her uncomfortable coz she deserves it

CombatBarbie · 05/12/2022 20:30

Fireflybaby · 05/12/2022 20:12

An no-one from the group bothered to question bridezilla about you not being invited... such good friends.. 🙄

This......

BunnyBum · 05/12/2022 20:46

I can understand why you’re upset. I also understand why you feel it’s difficult to asking her why you’ve not been invited. Can you ask one of the other group to put feelers out for you. If they’re weird about it I’d drop them all!

PollyPeeves · 05/12/2022 20:50

Mummyof4Ireland · 05/12/2022 20:21

If she's not getting married until next year would the invitation be out already...assuming it's not at the start of January? Here it's about 6weeks before the wedding before we send invitation. But if she's excluded you on purpose cut all ties. That's not a friend! Definitely send her a message and ask what's going on. Make her uncomfortable coz she deserves it

Not necessarily - we received an invitation for my DP’s cousins wedding in May 2023 last month…. Lots of logistics to do with accommodation etc

butterfliedtwo · 05/12/2022 20:56

Fireflybaby · 05/12/2022 20:12

An no-one from the group bothered to question bridezilla about you not being invited... such good friends.. 🙄

I thought this.

Kitkatcatflap · 05/12/2022 20:58

donquixotedelamancha · 05/12/2022 07:54

I would miffed that of the remaining 4 girls only Sarah gave you the heads up - the others must have known you weren't invited.

How would they know? Sarah only knew because OP told her. If they did know it's not perhaps they just don't want to shit stir.

Stuff like this only serves to make an already upset OP feel worse.

OP- it doesn't actually sound like you like this person. If that's the case I really they you should ask yourself why you are so bothered. Stop seeing social occasions as obligations and score keeping and just enjoy time with genuine friends.

Of course they know. The hen night has been arranged, so they would know OP isn't going? There would be group chats, suggestions, budget talks, sharing rooms etc. None of them wanted to have that conversation with OP, no one has asked her why she isn't going? Is she away etc. They know she wasn't invited.

As shady as Sarah came across, I think she was giving OP the heads up when no one wanted to - it was just a little clumsy.

PeachyIsThinking · 05/12/2022 20:58

As someone said send an email saying that you we know it’s probably just numbers but wanted to check you had upset her.
No chance she’d get an invite to your do though.

Also it sounds like the others might be covering up for her, surely they knew? That would make me wary tbh, groups end and people move on- have some serious chats with yourself.

Blankscreen · 05/12/2022 21:03

I doubt an invite was sent for the hendo. More like a WhatsApp group would be set up so I would say you haven't been included.

That hurts and you have every right to feel upset.

I was Wendied by someone a few years back and it all came out on my birthday. I got upset. Didn't fall out
but they new I was hurt.

i took a huge step back from the people involved and slowly rebuilt friendships with other people.

If I see one of the old group I now just make small talk. I genuinely feel so much happier for not having that sense of unease caused by so called friends.

op you know what you know. I tried to make excuses but fuck them one of the group should have stuck up for you/thought to include you.

if you are happy with whatever scraps they throw as you then fine but I don't think you are and can probably find nicer people to be friends with.

QueenoftheFarts · 05/12/2022 21:04

She's not your friend. Listen to what she is telling you. I used to invite a family in our social group to everything we did, parties, celebrations etc., it took me a while to notice we never got invited back but they always attended and accepted our hospitality. I thought they just didn't entertain much. Turned out they did, they entertained lots, and invited lots of our friends, just not us. I didn't lose sleep over it. I just cut them off. They liked us enough for free booze and food, but not enough to let us set foot near their own parties. It was my friends who raised it.... they thought it was us being rude by never attending! Message received.... literally no impact on my life other than extra quiche and champagne to go around. C*nts.

Blankscreen · 05/12/2022 21:06

Yep me and Dh refer to the old group as "bunch of c*unts'. Childish I know 😂😂

CheshireCat1 · 05/12/2022 21:07

Treat yourself to something nice with the money you’ve saved by not going to the wedding. Guilt trip her by sending an invite to your party.
Life is too short, so put it out of your mind.

Blankscreen · 05/12/2022 21:10

I also think sadly op that this will taint your other friendships in the group.

It will be the elephant in the room that isn't spoken about.

SezFrankly · 05/12/2022 21:16

Sorry to be blunt but I would seriously question whether any of them should be invited. You should no longer consider any of them close friends as they’re clearly not. Time to leave them behind.

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