Not invited to a wedding - advice please!

[Derby2022]

Hi guys, long time reader, first time poster !

I cant sleep and something is playing on my mind
I dont know maybe want to rant? look for some advice?

I've known this woman since my teens, we are both now nearly 30 and I always hate to say it like this but I would consider her in our 'friendship circle' - all major milestones (weddings, babies, 18ths, 21sts, engagments etc) with in our group have been shared with this woman, theres 6 of us 'school friends' in this group, and she came into our lives when she moved into our sixth form when she was 17.... you know the usual routine with this - birthdays, marriages etc its always us on the same table with our DH's (not me I'm single!) etc - I wouldn't say I was the closest to her, as she moved away for a few years, but she's a nice enough woman and we get on great (and her husband to be is a lovely man)

Anyway I've always invited this person to EVERYTHING i've ever done (as is the standard in our group) however, she is getting married next year, and I recently met up with one of the girls for lunch and she mentioned about the dress she was wearing, and how excited she was for the big day, and it dawned on me that the invites to everything had obviously already been dished out...and mines obviously been lost in the post. I mentioned to "Sarah" (friend) that I'd not heard anything about it yet, and do you think "Chelsea" has forgot? To which "Sarah" told me that "oh she mentioned that she's all finished organising now, everything's done, hen sorted, all sorts"

I was slightly shocked and asked Sarah if I was even invited to which she said "Well I mean if your invite hasn't come yet, I'd say no probably not" and changed subject.

I really don't know what to do or think - we've never had a fall out or cross word, and I consider her a friend - but now I really don't know what to think anymore

2 weeks ago we was laughing and joking about my bad date, and then I found that out a few days later!

Because of the dynamic of the group, I don't want to prod or ask any questions as she can be a bit 'stroppy' when she wants to be (Ive heard reports she's been the ultimate bridezilla) and I don't want to ruin our friendship group - but it just feels like 15 years of friendship literally means nothing anymore?

I mean I totally get with weddings its about numbers and people and budgets etc, and I would totally respect if she only invited me to the evening reception but if you imagine a table of our friendship I am literally the only one who won't be on the table, despite that fact that its always been 'our group' and we've done all these things together before - As I said no fall outs or anything, and as far as I am aware she isn't cross with me for anything at all? I have also found out shes invited our friend "Jo"'s boyfriend despite the fact they've only been together for 8 months.

It's really made me question things now because I'm planning a big 30th birthday, and part of me wants to not invite her, purely because I obviously don't mean anything to her if she can't even invite me to her wedding (Reception at least) and also because why should I cater for, and accommodate her and her 2 children and DH(to be) if I'm not even worth an evening invite....

Problem is though that I don't want to risk upsetting our friendship dynamic, and because of her volatile temper, she is the type that would be in the group chat kicking off, or demanding I explain myself to her which would then cause tension between everyone.

AIBU to be upset by this?

Any advice on what to do for my 30th party, and things going forward?

So sorry for the long post but I have insomonia and writing these things helps me calm down

I would also clarify whether the invite has been lost by privately messaging her. The Royal Mail have been terrible lately, it IS possible it is genuinely lost.

'Just checking about your wedding and hen friend, as I haven't received an invite and would hate to miss your special day, the Royal Mail have been rubbish lately'

I would NOT spoon feed her an excuse
Nor would I reply in any shape or form if it turns out you are the only one excluded. Absolute radio silence should follow.

I would reassess all of the others in the group in terms of how genuine they are, if it turns out they are all 'in' on the secret. I would be calling out this shitty behaviour in the group if you were my friend. It is not okay to exclude one person - ever. I am not totally sure I would even attend, if that is the kind of person the bride is. Sarah is a good friend for telling you. Remember that you have her at least.

Don't invite her to your birthday or anything ever again.
She has detonated the group. What a b no excuse whatsoever to be so bloody mean. Sorry op.

A few years ago, someone I considered a close friend didn't invite me to her wedding - I only found out when I saw pics on Facebook. She'd come to mine, in fact, she'd been the one who gave me the 'something borrowed' for the big day itself. We hadn't had a falling out, although we don't live locally to each other so didn't see each other as much as we used to. I was really hurt and when I asked her about it she said 'it was a small do for close friends only'. As I considered her to be a close friend, I just wasn't able to recalibrate our friendship (as I no longer understood what it was) and so I just haven't really spoken to her since. She's made a few efforts to talk to me but I've politely rebuffed her.

So no you're not being unreasonable to be hurt and upset. But, clearly, she isn't the friend you thought she was and vice versa.

First you need to find out if you were invited and the invitation has gone AWOL. This happened to me over an ex-colleagues retrial party. The organiser sent me an invite and was miffed when I didn't even reply. At the same time, I was miffed that I wasn't invited. Two years later I found out what had actually happened.

It's pretty clear shes not invited you dont invite people to hen do's in writing I certainly wouldn't be embarrassing myself asking where my invite is
You say shes upfront so just ask her what's going on from what you've said you'd expect that from her.

I would be questioning friendship with all.of them tbh as if they're not chatting about it on your normal WhatsApp/other messenger then they're doing it elsewhere behind your back.

Sorry op that's total shit

Hi @Derby2022 - I would be upset too.

Do you know if the other 4 friends have been invited and you haven't?

She probably hasn't invited you. Invitations rarely get lost in the post. Do you live with housemates that might've thrown it away by accident? (This actually did happen to me once but the letter looked like a flyer)

You need to decide whether you want to make a 'thing' out of this or not.

If you do want to find out, I would drop her a polite Whatsapp and say 'Congratulations. Just wondered if the invite has got lost as I haven't received one' - then she has to reply, probably confirming what you thought.

If you don't, just send her a card, wish her well. Decide whether you want her there at your 30th.

Just so you know, we didn't invite a couple of people of my husband's uni mates to our wedding. It's a big group of people. They also didn't invite us to their wedding. On both sides, it was a numbers thing. We are all still very good friends and all go away together every year - no issues at all. It doesn't have to end in disaster for your friendship group

One person from the friendship group is callously and inexplicably excluded from a wedding, and the others are calling the bride-to-be a bridezilla behind her back. It doesn’t sound as if this group has matured much since school finished tbh. Try not to let it bother you, OP. Spend your thirtieth birthday with people who matter.

OP, it's rubbish, but it is what it is.

I wouldn't say anything to her about it, and I wouldn't invite her to your party. There's no point.

What I really would do, though, is try to widen your circle of friends. You say you've been friends with these women since you were at school, and there is something a bit immature about these 'friendship groups' and the dramas involved. If I were you, I'd get out a bit more and try to meet some different people. Nobody who's coming up for 30 needs a "friendship group" - they need a handful of good, close friends (preferably ones who don't know one another very well).

The invite isn’t lost. There would have been a save the date, WhatsApp group for the hen do, actual invite…

Sarah knew you weren’t invited. Her answer sounds pretty sarky to me? Are you close friends with her? She seems dismissive and rude.

For whatever reason they are not as close friends as you thought they were. I would start to distance myself. Do you have other friendship groups? I don’t really like the idea that nobody gave you the heads up and there’s been planning of a hen do etc without you. None of these friends thought you may be a bit hurt or upset to be left out?

Do not ask where your invite is and do not invite her to your party.

I’d probably send a message saying - ‘congratulations, good luck for the day’ and back away from the friendship.

If you are close to any of the other girls then you could chat to them but I’m not sure there’s any point in pursuing this. She’s sent you a clear message of how important you are as a friend. If she’s inviting recent boyfriends of theirs it’s not a numbers issue. The fact you are single may come in to it but that’s no excuse.

It was shitty not to invite you. Really shitty. Frankly that would be the end of the 'friendship' for me, especially considering the cruel way she left you to find out.

Thing is the dynamic may have changed in this friendship group now you have been excluded in this way. Why haven't any of the other women in the group given you the heads up or stood up for you? Have you spoken to any of them apart from slippery Sarah? Are you sure all the others will come to your 30th birthday party if Bridezilla is left out?

I too found friendships shifted in my early 30's. It may be time to rethink.

So I'm at the end of page 1, not sure if I will make it to the end without getting distracted and forgetting to comment, just wanted to say I agree with most of what's already been said and would add that it seems there's something a bit off about Sarah's reaction. Why did she quickly change the subject? Why wasn't she surprised at you not being included? These are questions which would trouble me. It's possible it has been discussed amongst the others in your absence. Assuming your invite isn't lost in the post.

And yep, sounds bloody hurtful

She's being the group "mean girl" and the rest are enabling her in it. I would think as little of them as I would the bride.

Time to look for new friends, these aren't. You're very entitled to feel upset about it, it's shitty behaviour especially how long you've known each other.

I had a friend invited to my wedding and at my hen slagged her off for being the worst for replying/correspondence because she never rsvp'd- I'd had to text her and chase her. She's never bloody checked her post box in the apartments ffs. I had another friend who texted me about his wedding and possibly sent me an email invite when I told him of course I was going but I'd heard nothing. Closer to the date I was asking him about details etc and he was super slow to reply (obviously busy planning an overseas wedding) turns out he'd used my university email (which I hadn't used in about 10 years) and all the info had gone there. I also seem to recall someone being in your situation and someone had to discretely ask the bride who was then mortified and had no idea how she'd been missed off the list or if the post had gone missing or the wrong address or what. So I wouldn't go nuclear until I was certain.

OP, before going for the nuclear option, I’d check the facts. Ask her directly, then you’ll know how to proceed.

I would ask one of the other friends too.
if Sarah was a good friend she’d say… I can’t imagine you not being invited, let me check with her.
instead, it sounds as if she momentarily forgot that you weren’t invited.
bride can invite who she wants… but your friendship group has already been upset.

If that was the case she'd have known about the hen do

Just ask her! I forgot to send an invite to my MIL when I was planning my wedding so I suppose it could have been an accident......she could be wondering where your rsvp is? On the other hand....who's organising the hen? Surely she'd realise you hadn't responded to that too if it was an accident. Just ask her....it's the only was you'll actually know what's going on.

So if she had forgotten to invite her Sarah’s reply would have been different..she would have acted surprised and would have reassured OP that invite must be on its way.

Not the dismissive reply she gave.
Saying everything had been organised, the hen do is planned and no if you haven’t got an invite by now you must not be invited. It’s not very nice of her either.

Unfortunately, -the fact that you haven’t been invited to the hen means the invite isn’t lost. Don’t invite her to your party. She can hardly complain and if she does, just say you have realised that you aren’t as good friends as you thought. Time to make some new friends OP. These ones sound pants....

If your so-called friend has excluded you, with no explanations, why not take this as a gift to spend what you would've spent on her wedding to treat yourself to something really nice but totally NOT a necessity! MUST be a luxury. Think of it as found money.

Okay so how much does it cost to attend the average wedding these days? I've no idea. I stopped accepting all wedding invites quite some time ago. I'm thinking, what, £200-£300!? New outfit, hat, present, accommodation, travel and drink at the do - no one does a free bar anymore do they!? That's quite a nice piece of change to award yourself as a present. Enjoy!

My guess is that the others in the group see “Chelsea” individually and you don’t see her nearly as much. Seeing as they knew where she was on planning and you were asking them about her. Sounds like you see her mostly at group things. Do the others have OHs/DCs and you don’t... if so then that may be partly why as they may be meeting for playdates etc.

If this is right then she probably feels she is closer friends with them than you and it’s perhaps not so surprising, though I’m sure it is still hurtful. As pp have said, time to widen your friendship group.

I might have missed someone else saying this already and I appreciate it's not the point but.... if it were me I'd worry about not inviting her to my birthday as that comes first. So timeline would be you don't invite bridezilla to your birthday and then the wedding happens and you're not invited but people think that's because you did the 'unfriending' first by lack of birthday invite.

I know I know!! It's not the point. And no, she shouldn't get a birthday invite. But my brain would stress about the order of things and how people interpret it.

Anyway, YANBU as it's very hurtful.

Op, are u sure invites have been sent out? Only Sarah has told you this? You need to find out if the invites have all been sent out and hen party organised, is the wedding next year?

Once you know the facts you can then proceed…

If you find out they have been sent out & the other friends know & no one has questioned it - then I wouldn’t invite any of them as I’m sorry but they are not your friends.

She sounds horrible OP. Being left out is such a horrible feeling.