Not invited to a wedding - advice please!

[Derby2022]

Hi guys, long time reader, first time poster !

I cant sleep and something is playing on my mind
I dont know maybe want to rant? look for some advice?

I've known this woman since my teens, we are both now nearly 30 and I always hate to say it like this but I would consider her in our 'friendship circle' - all major milestones (weddings, babies, 18ths, 21sts, engagments etc) with in our group have been shared with this woman, theres 6 of us 'school friends' in this group, and she came into our lives when she moved into our sixth form when she was 17.... you know the usual routine with this - birthdays, marriages etc its always us on the same table with our DH's (not me I'm single!) etc - I wouldn't say I was the closest to her, as she moved away for a few years, but she's a nice enough woman and we get on great (and her husband to be is a lovely man)

Anyway I've always invited this person to EVERYTHING i've ever done (as is the standard in our group) however, she is getting married next year, and I recently met up with one of the girls for lunch and she mentioned about the dress she was wearing, and how excited she was for the big day, and it dawned on me that the invites to everything had obviously already been dished out...and mines obviously been lost in the post. I mentioned to "Sarah" (friend) that I'd not heard anything about it yet, and do you think "Chelsea" has forgot? To which "Sarah" told me that "oh she mentioned that she's all finished organising now, everything's done, hen sorted, all sorts"

I was slightly shocked and asked Sarah if I was even invited to which she said "Well I mean if your invite hasn't come yet, I'd say no probably not" and changed subject.

I really don't know what to do or think - we've never had a fall out or cross word, and I consider her a friend - but now I really don't know what to think anymore

2 weeks ago we was laughing and joking about my bad date, and then I found that out a few days later!

Because of the dynamic of the group, I don't want to prod or ask any questions as she can be a bit 'stroppy' when she wants to be (Ive heard reports she's been the ultimate bridezilla) and I don't want to ruin our friendship group - but it just feels like 15 years of friendship literally means nothing anymore?

I mean I totally get with weddings its about numbers and people and budgets etc, and I would totally respect if she only invited me to the evening reception but if you imagine a table of our friendship I am literally the only one who won't be on the table, despite that fact that its always been 'our group' and we've done all these things together before - As I said no fall outs or anything, and as far as I am aware she isn't cross with me for anything at all? I have also found out shes invited our friend "Jo"'s boyfriend despite the fact they've only been together for 8 months.

It's really made me question things now because I'm planning a big 30th birthday, and part of me wants to not invite her, purely because I obviously don't mean anything to her if she can't even invite me to her wedding (Reception at least) and also because why should I cater for, and accommodate her and her 2 children and DH(to be) if I'm not even worth an evening invite....

Problem is though that I don't want to risk upsetting our friendship dynamic, and because of her volatile temper, she is the type that would be in the group chat kicking off, or demanding I explain myself to her which would then cause tension between everyone.

AIBU to be upset by this?

Any advice on what to do for my 30th party, and things going forward?

So sorry for the long post but I have insomonia and writing these things helps me calm down

This is hurtful and you have every right to feel this way. You have had suggestions on what to say so I’d try that and see what she says, and it will help you move forward with whatever you decide.

I had a similar situation a few years ago where my aunt got married about 18 months after me. I invited her new partner, who we’d never met, to our wedding but when she got married we only got an invite for the church ceremony. I heard through relatives that there was a full reception afterwards but myself and another cousin and aunt only got a ceremony invite. I declined, as did they, as for me it would have been a 7-hour round trip. Aunt has cut me off for declining her ceremony invite, and done the same to my cousin and aunt, but all the rest of the relatives got full invites and I saw the photos on Facebook.

MN posters told me to ask why I had only got a ceremony invite but I didn’t have the gumption to ask, and wish I did now. I always thought I got on so well with this aunt but clearly she had other ideas.

I think you need to make sure your invite hasn't been lost in the post. So, first I would iff all the other ladies in your group have been invited. If not then it is probably just a number thing, re the cost of weddings,etc. If they have all been invited then I would say that this is really odd and I think you should speak to the bride to be about it. I would just say to her that the others have all received an invite and you havent and you just wanted to check whether yours was lost in the post or whether she had 'not been able' to invite you because of space available, etc.
If the latter is the case then I would personally feel very offended because inviting all friends but one is just wrong. If she has just invited one or two of you fair enough.

I thought an invite to the ceremony automatically included the reception?

And an “evening/reception” invite that meant you were only invited to that bit?

I think you should just ask her about it. Seems you have nothing to lose. Leave it to her to explain if you're invited and if not why that might he. Say as little as possible, so nothing can be misinterpreted.

it sounds like she doesn’t want single people at her wedding, only those coupled up, or, maybe someone told her you think her hubby to be is ‘a lovely man’ and she feels threatened by you?

all wedding ceremonies are supposed to be publicly accessible - no one "needs" an invitation as anyone can theoretically go to any ceremony (this is so that anyone know knows of a just cause or impediment why these two persons may not be joined in matrimony they can declare it now and can't be excluded just because of capacity issues). so a ceremony-only invite is just a tiny courtesy of letting someone know when and where they could theoretically turn up, but anyone could get the same info from publicly available sources if needed as all weddings need to be declared in advance.

wedding invitations that include the reception give the details of the ceremony and then say "... and afterwards at the (insert details of reception)" or if an evening only invitation they will say "... and from 8pm at the (insert details of evening do)". I've been invited to ceremony-only for distant acquaintances but there's never the slightest fallout for not going. a bride taking offence at a ceremony-only invite being declined is very weird, as ceremony-only invites are a very clear message of how little the invitee actually matters to the inviter.

I think you need to find out first if you aren’t invited, especially with postal strikes and go from there

Sarah sounds awful! She must have known at the very least you weren't invited to the hen, because there will definitely be a group for that - and she's brought up the dress she's wearing and saying how excited she is to go? The whole thing is very strange tbh. Have you asked all the other women if they're all invited? I would be reconsidering friendships with anyone invited/to the hen who knew you weren't invited. Wedding politics are absolutely awful, the bride is probably too cowardly to have the conversation with you and personally I'd not be offering it up to her - just don't invite her to your birthday either, that being said I don't think I'd be inviting Sarah either.

I also think the friend who told you about the wedding but failed to be shocked at the idea that you weren't invited and offer to double check (and challenge if no) is a bad friend.

I think this too.
I can't understand the number of time I read on MN that someone has a really close relationship with people that they then can't ask them about something. That isn't really a close relationship if you can't speak to someone.

Agreed.

Whatever the motivation of the bride-to-be, the moment everybody knows about it, and neither challenges it nor tells the ostracised person about it, is the moment they decided to enter into active collusion with the ostracism. It doesn't matter how they represent it to themselves, that's the decision that they made.

And, all too often, the collaborators add to it by concealing information, or being evasive when the topic is raised. They will, of course, blamed the ostracised person for 'making them feel uncomfortable' rather than acknowledging the action of the person who decided to do this and their own role in reinforcing and legitimising it.

Nope, invitations will specify exactly what you are invited to which @FaazoHuyzeoSix has summed up perfectly.

This is good

Ask her. It may be a misunderstanding, you never know. "Could you let me know if I'm invited to your wedding? Only I need to know before I make other plans for that date. Thanks." I had a misunderstanding with a friend a few years back where we both thought the other was BU but neither of us was, and it only became clear what had happened when I asked her.

Yanbu

although could it be possible with all the Mail strikes your invite simply has got delayed?
although it does sound like you’ve been left out given they seem to know stuff about the hen do.
you probably should ask her directly.
’ Hey the girls said the invites were out. I didn’t get one and I know you maybe didn’t invite me re numbers but also didn’t want to see rude in case it got delayed in post’

you don’t have to ask her to your birthday
just organise it, ask whoever BUT
just in case she does end up staging some sort of war of the friends and splits the group I’d advise you to also invite a sister cousin or other friends just in case

Wow 10 pages and no updates 😣

I wouldn’t bother talking to the ‘bride’ just assume since your other friend said you’re not invited, that that’s it. I would be rethinking my choice of friendship with the other 5 ‘friends’ cos not one of them have stuck up for you and decided they wouldnt go because you’re not invited.

I think it was a post and run, probably see this thread in the daily mail in a few hours..

I thought the same

From reading your post, you sound like you don't really like this woman. You've described her as stroppy, volatile and a bridezilla. No sure why you want to go to her wedding other than FOMO. She's probably invite her closer friends that don't feel that way about her. You're coming up to your 30s now, it's no longer a out cliques and doing everything as a group, people have less time and invest it in a smaller number of people.

Your 30th is not as big a deal as her wedding. She will probably get over it if you don't invite her. I would recommend you also invest your time in the people you feel closer to going forward.

Is there any chance the invite could’ve been lost? The post is a nightmare recently. If not then I genuinely think you just need to message her and politely ask else it’ll be an elephant in the room? If she decides to kick off that’s her prerogative but if you put it in a way that lays no bad light on you, just you simply asking the question, then that’s her burden to bare 🤷🏻‍♀️

What on earth would that achieve? Besides being a doormat?!

I think it's interesting that you don't describe her as 'my old friend from school' but as 'this woman'. Just wondering if you're someone who tends to rely rather on other people to organise group get togethers, and to pass on details around the group, rather than speaking to people directly.

Has "Chelsea" perhaps always perceived you and her as separate friends of "Sarah" (or someone else in the group), but not each other's direct friends? Whereas you have felt that you're both securely in the same group as each other, so therefore you must count as each other's friends?

Especially if you're shy, it's possible to drift into just 'coasting' in a friendship group, perhaps riding on the coat-tails of a more confident mutual friend, without making a proper effort to get to know everyone in the group one to one. But a really solid group friendship needs everyone to be interested in everyone else, not just to turn up to the same events at the same time for years.

I can’t get over getting upset at not being invited to the wedding of “a nice enough woman that I’m not that close to”.

Have you ever caught up with her 1:1? Ever? Do you text her separately to the Group?

Sarah sounds like a bitch though.

This! You don't really sound like close friends at all. Also bizarre so many are telling you to ask if your invite has been lost in the mail