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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to a wedding - advice please!

295 replies

Derby2022 · 05/12/2022 00:38

Hi guys, long time reader, first time poster !

I cant sleep and something is playing on my mind
I dont know maybe want to rant? look for some advice?

I've known this woman since my teens, we are both now nearly 30 and I always hate to say it like this but I would consider her in our 'friendship circle' - all major milestones (weddings, babies, 18ths, 21sts, engagments etc) with in our group have been shared with this woman, theres 6 of us 'school friends' in this group, and she came into our lives when she moved into our sixth form when she was 17.... you know the usual routine with this - birthdays, marriages etc its always us on the same table with our DH's (not me I'm single!) etc - I wouldn't say I was the closest to her, as she moved away for a few years, but she's a nice enough woman and we get on great (and her husband to be is a lovely man)

Anyway I've always invited this person to EVERYTHING i've ever done (as is the standard in our group) however, she is getting married next year, and I recently met up with one of the girls for lunch and she mentioned about the dress she was wearing, and how excited she was for the big day, and it dawned on me that the invites to everything had obviously already been dished out...and mines obviously been lost in the post. I mentioned to "Sarah" (friend) that I'd not heard anything about it yet, and do you think "Chelsea" has forgot? To which "Sarah" told me that "oh she mentioned that she's all finished organising now, everything's done, hen sorted, all sorts"

I was slightly shocked and asked Sarah if I was even invited to which she said "Well I mean if your invite hasn't come yet, I'd say no probably not" and changed subject.

I really don't know what to do or think - we've never had a fall out or cross word, and I consider her a friend - but now I really don't know what to think anymore

2 weeks ago we was laughing and joking about my bad date, and then I found that out a few days later!

Because of the dynamic of the group, I don't want to prod or ask any questions as she can be a bit 'stroppy' when she wants to be (Ive heard reports she's been the ultimate bridezilla) and I don't want to ruin our friendship group - but it just feels like 15 years of friendship literally means nothing anymore?

I mean I totally get with weddings its about numbers and people and budgets etc, and I would totally respect if she only invited me to the evening reception but if you imagine a table of our friendship I am literally the only one who won't be on the table, despite that fact that its always been 'our group' and we've done all these things together before - As I said no fall outs or anything, and as far as I am aware she isn't cross with me for anything at all? I have also found out shes invited our friend "Jo"'s boyfriend despite the fact they've only been together for 8 months.

It's really made me question things now because I'm planning a big 30th birthday, and part of me wants to not invite her, purely because I obviously don't mean anything to her if she can't even invite me to her wedding (Reception at least) and also because why should I cater for, and accommodate her and her 2 children and DH(to be) if I'm not even worth an evening invite....

Problem is though that I don't want to risk upsetting our friendship dynamic, and because of her volatile temper, she is the type that would be in the group chat kicking off, or demanding I explain myself to her which would then cause tension between everyone.

AIBU to be upset by this?

Any advice on what to do for my 30th party, and things going forward?

So sorry for the long post but I have insomonia and writing these things helps me calm down

OP posts:
fairydust11 · 05/12/2022 14:07

RoseLemon · 05/12/2022 14:01

I might have missed someone else saying this already and I appreciate it's not the point but.... if it were me I'd worry about not inviting her to my birthday as that comes first. So timeline would be you don't invite bridezilla to your birthday and then the wedding happens and you're not invited but people think that's because you did the 'unfriending' first by lack of birthday invite.

I know I know!! It's not the point. And no, she shouldn't get a birthday invite. But my brain would stress about the order of things and how people interpret it.

Anyway, YANBU as it's very hurtful.

Plus I agree with this - I would be thinking what comes first - your big birthday or the wedding? Did she know you were planning a party?

pollykitty · 05/12/2022 14:19

You can feel upset and you can ask her, but be prepared for a response that you won't like. Or perhaps your invite was lost. YOu never know unless you ask.

I didn't invite two good friends to my second wedding. Why? Because they acted like twats at my first one. To this day, I'm not really sure why, but after promising me they would show up early, help me get dressed, and sort some things out (it was a very small wedding and very DIY), they did none of those things. It was a destination wedding, they travelled together, and they showed up about 10 minutes before the ceremony started. This was about 100 years ago, before everyone had phones, and when I said, I thought you said you'd be here early? They just shrugged and started drinking. My second wedding was equally small and it was all I could think about when deciding who to invite. That memory of stress that they caused on my wedding day. So I didn't tell them, I didn't invite them, and to this day, they have never brought it up even after I told them I got married. And yes we are still friends. I love them but weddings are about more than just being friends. You might have really annoyed your friend at some point and she doesn't want you there on her special day. Just sayin'

itsgoodtobehome · 05/12/2022 14:24

OP - I have recently been in your situation, so I feel your pain. Mine was being excluded from (what I thought) was a very close friend of 30-odd years milestone birthday party. I only found out when I saw it on social media. I was beyond devastated, not just with her, but with another close friend who had been invited, but didn't have the courtesy to tell me, or pre-warn me.

I have reacted by not doing anything at the moment, but the next time that they suggest meeting up, I will be saying 'no thanks' in no uncertain terms. It is so hurtful to be treated this way by people you thought were friends. As far as I am concerned, they are not true friends, and you need to be prepared to accept that.

starfro · 05/12/2022 14:34

I'd just assume the invite is lost in the post and turn up anyway.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 05/12/2022 14:36

I would not invite her to anything again, especially my birthday . If she asks then tell her that she couldn’t be bothered to invite you to the wedding .

converseandjeans · 05/12/2022 14:38

You might have had a lucky escape if she's being a bridezilla already. Imagine the cost of the hen do...

I would get Sarah to find out for sure first if you are invited. I wouldn't be surprised if there's another whatsapp group in addition to the group one you are on....

It's unkind to not invite you but to invite a relatively new boyfriend.

BaileySharp · 05/12/2022 14:43

How do you know all the others have been invited? You might not be the only one left out. Maybe she just invited the 1 or 2 girls she's closest to?

Persephoned · 05/12/2022 14:47

Tripsabroad · 05/12/2022 04:41

Assuming you are close to someone else in the group I'd probably ask them to subtly find out from the bride if I was invited. But I wouldn't have a problem asking the bride directly.

I can see why you're upset. On the other hand, I was originally part of a friendship group of six too and excluded one from my own wedding (she hadn't got in touch with me in years - only saw her at big events run by one of the other six. Wasn't invited to her wedding either but it was abroad and fairly small). If she was upset I haven't heard about it - I don't count her as a friend anymore. Haven't fallen out, but just drifted apart. Haven't seen her more than three times in the past six years.

I think this is more likely it.

Honestly, you describe her as ‘a nice enough woman’ which hardly suggests you’re good friends - more that you see each other by circumstance by being part of the same group and as this poster says you really only see each other at those big events. If she’s not a good friend, I think you should leave it. I’m sorry you’re upset but it doesn’t sound that big a deal to
me. If you’d like her at your 30th invite her - otherwise don’t!

UsingChangeofName · 05/12/2022 14:50

Thing is, at the moment there is a lot of 'presuming' going on.

From what you say, it sounds strange that you have been left out, in which case I would start with the assumption your invitation has got lost along the way, so I would either ask her directly, or, if you feel that is too confrontational, ask 'Sarah' or 'Jo' or one of the others in the group to ask her directly. Can't be too difficult to work in to some conversation about sharing lifts or some such. For all you know at the moment, she might be thinking you are rude for not replying.

JennyJenny8675309 · 05/12/2022 14:57

trytopullyoursocksup · 05/12/2022 08:27

1- how do you know the whole group is invited but you? the post says you met up with one friend, Sarah, and she is invited. But she didn't know that you were not invited (correct?) which implies that she isn't across all the bride's plans to invite x but not y (why should she be?). So unless you give us more info, all I get from the OP is that Sarah has received an invitation and you have not. Oh, also Jo and her partner. So - it might not be the whole group except you. It might be that Chelsea has invited certain close friends and their significant others, rather than a whole host of women she met years ago and they all know each other.

2 - Why should she invite you, or anyone, just because sometimes you all go out to lunch? That isn't an emotional connection. Maybe she and Sarah and Jo really "get" each other, maybe one of them showed up one Saturday morning with coffee and croissants after Chelsea spent all night crying over a bereavement or a bad break up. Friendship isn't a group of people who sat on the same table in the 6th form common room.

3 - Do you have any real friends? If not, maybe think about making some - either improving the connection with people you already know, or meeting some new people. You sound quite self centred and maybe people only get so far with you because of it.

OP, ignore all of the above. What a ridiculous and mean-spirited post. Based on the tone of it alone I would dismiss any advice given by this poster.

NoelNoNoel · 05/12/2022 14:57

She probably doesn’t view you as an actual friend more of someone in the group. Do you ever see each other one to one?

Tripsabroad · 05/12/2022 14:58

girlmom21 · 05/12/2022 13:06

If that was the case she'd have known about the hen do

Show quote history

Not necessarily. I invited 5 people to my hen, 100 to the ceremony and 100 more to the evening do. So the vast majority never heard about the hen.

beAsensible1 · 05/12/2022 15:01

its a bit weird its not been discussed in the group chat tbh, so if it it hasn't then that means all the others know you aren't invited and haven't said anything.

I think you should have quiet word and ask what's going, if its lost int he mail you aren't invited. sometimes we can't avoid dealing with things head on.

Take a deep breath and send the text or even better phonecall ;)

gaf · 05/12/2022 15:02

Don’t invite her to your birthday. If she kicks off simply point out that as you weren’t invited to her wedding you assumed you wouldn’t be attending each others big events now.

Are you absolutely sure all the other friends have been invited apart from you?

thebellagio · 05/12/2022 15:03

I've been in a similar situation beforehand

My husbands step brother / best mate was getting married. We knew it was coming up but we hadn't recieved an invitation, so we assumed we weren't invited. The bride started posting passive aggressive messages on FB about people who hadn't bothered to let them know if they were attending the wedding

It turned out that they had sent out invitations via WhatsApp (!) and they'd sent it to the wrong people! The groom was mates with another couple who coincidently had the same names as me and my husband and had sent the message to the wrong couple!

By the time we were officially 'invited' it was 2 days before the wedding and we couldn't get childcare, so we didn't go.

I would echo PP and just say "can you let me know your wedding date so I can pop a card in the post - with the postal strikes, I don't want it to be late!" and leave it at that. That way, you're showing you know you aren't invited but you're being the bigger person, so if you are together in future social circumstances, there's no awkwardness

Memz1212 · 05/12/2022 15:06

I'm very sorry OP but she isn't your friend and I would question the loyalty of the other girls.

I had a similar friendship group, one of the girls was getting married and 6 of the girls arranged transport together and excluded one of the girls. It was definitely intentional and it pissed me off. I was very close to everyone in the group and can't tolerate people being mean so I let them know. I knew they were never keen on her and they were all vocal about this to me but not her. It wasn't nice. I never told my friend that the other girls weren't so keen on her but I always stuck up for her and made more effort for her to be included.

The other girls should have done the same or at least should have given you a heads up. If I was Jo, I would say I'd rather you (my friend) was invited instead.

I think you should ask her directly to get a full understanding first. You never really know until you ask. Give her the benefit of the doubt and if she didn't invite you intentionally then don't waste your time on meaningless "friends".

ForeverWeBlend · 05/12/2022 15:06

You would know through the same grapevine if you had an invitation but it had got lost - somebody would have messaged you to say the bride was a bit concerned you hadn't replied. So I think you can dismiss that as an option.
Just keep your chin up and don't bitch about her to the rest of the group. Say nothing - I'm sure she is hoping for a reaction - that's part of the fun for someone like her.
Then get on with life - don't invite her to your birthday if you don't fancy it. But do what you want to do going forwards.

TeenyTomTilly · 05/12/2022 15:12

I had the same thing happen to me years ago. We have a big friendship group and one couple getting married decided to invite everyone but me and DH. We heard through friends it was because she needed to invite "her dad's friends" or some bullshit. It really hurt me. Like you we saw them regularly and so there was no obvious reason why they would invite all other 7 couples and not us. We were invited to the reception but we came up with our own bullshit excuses back to them and didn't go. To this day we are still in the same friendship circle but I don't trust them and would never get close to them again.

I'm sorry your friend did this to you. I wish I had the guts back then to call them out on it. But you're always scared of rocking the boat when your whole friendship circle is on the line because of one incident.

We invited them to our wedding a few years later.

getalifesonny · 05/12/2022 15:12

are you the only one single in the group?

sheepdogdelight · 05/12/2022 15:18

Ask her.
Or get Sarah or Jo to ask her.

If you're not close enough with them to do this, then there's your answer to why you weren't invited.

(I genuinely didn't receive the invitation to a close friend's wedding. So it's not impossible. )

CloudyYellow · 05/12/2022 15:21

Milesty1 · 05/12/2022 01:45

I’d send a private message saying ‘Hey, just wanted to check, I’m assuming I’m not invited to the wedding? No worries at all if not but I didn’t want you to think I was ignoring the invitation if it got lost in the post’ hopefully she will come back with a reason and at least you’ll have it confirmed! Such strange behaviour on her part, honestly don’t worry about it. Don’t feel guilty about not inviting her to your birthday. She has set the tone now.

This is a dreadful idea. Keep your dignity and just move on.

Tessasanderson · 05/12/2022 15:23

Group of 6 long time friends and not one of them has the guts to call out the bride on excluding you? Its time to reassess your friendship group. If i was one of those 6 i would be the first to ask why one of the others had been excluded and pointing out that the person needs told personally. Start with friend who quickly changed the subject. Thats not how friends behave.

CloudyYellow · 05/12/2022 15:23

TeenyTomTilly · 05/12/2022 15:12

I had the same thing happen to me years ago. We have a big friendship group and one couple getting married decided to invite everyone but me and DH. We heard through friends it was because she needed to invite "her dad's friends" or some bullshit. It really hurt me. Like you we saw them regularly and so there was no obvious reason why they would invite all other 7 couples and not us. We were invited to the reception but we came up with our own bullshit excuses back to them and didn't go. To this day we are still in the same friendship circle but I don't trust them and would never get close to them again.

I'm sorry your friend did this to you. I wish I had the guts back then to call them out on it. But you're always scared of rocking the boat when your whole friendship circle is on the line because of one incident.

We invited them to our wedding a few years later.

Did they have the nerve to come to your wedding?

Tessasanderson · 05/12/2022 15:25

Send the card congratulating her, keep your pride and enjoy not having to pay for a present.

SweetsAndChocolates · 05/12/2022 15:26

Tessasanderson · 05/12/2022 15:23

Group of 6 long time friends and not one of them has the guts to call out the bride on excluding you? Its time to reassess your friendship group. If i was one of those 6 i would be the first to ask why one of the others had been excluded and pointing out that the person needs told personally. Start with friend who quickly changed the subject. Thats not how friends behave.

This ^