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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have ruined a wedding reception?

377 replies

BeagleLover1 · 05/12/2022 00:29

Took on a weekend part-time bar job, needs must. I’m a single mum to teen DC who are fine to be left and I have a 9-5 in the week, so it made sense.

I’ve been working there 2 months now. It’s a large hotel that has wedding functions. I actually loved it at first, the buzz, having a crack and making conversation with people etc. Some of the other bar staff were similar age to me (late 30s) which was lovely as well.

The last month though, there’s been an influx of people leaving due to terrible working conditions. We are no longer getting tips due to ‘increased bills’, there’s a sexist new supervisor that insults us all in his own language (somebody used a translater on their phone to find out what he was saying to women under his breath all of the time, and it was vile), we aren’t allowed drinks on shift anymore (we used to be allowed to have drinks on draft, now that’s not allowed, we can only have water and the bars don’t even have a bloody sink so we have to leave the bar to walk across the hotel to a water machine, on 12 hour shifts), everybody is too scared to order staff food from the chef on breaks because he is also overworked and has a go at us for ordering food. It’s been awful but I was trying to stick it out.

We are very understaffed. I went in on Saturday, and found out that there were 2 weddings on in 2 different function rooms, and then a family party on in another room. Both weddings 200 people each, the family party 70 people. There were only 3 bar staff in the entire hotel, one for each function. We also have a main bar in the lobby but that was shut due to being understaffed. I had to manage a bar of 200 people completely alone. The managers left at 8pm, just as it was kicking off. Our bars shut at 2am so I knew I was in for it. The bar was always rammed with at least 6 people at any given time. By 11pm I craved the sweet release of death. I was dealing with sexual harassment from several different blokes, and had nobody to back me up. I kept getting shouted at for slow service, constant “For fucks sake love, how long does it take to pour a pint” (whilst I had 5 other drinks orders to do before him), people spending literally 10 minutes arguing about who’s paying for what round whilst other people shouted at me to serve them, people demanding free drinks “Oh I’m the best man don’t I get one?”, being called a “tight cow” for giving £5 in change in coins instead of a note. I couldn’t stand it. People who weren’t even part of the wedding kept wandering in as well angered that the lobby bar was closed, expecting to be served by me.

I than ran out of glasses, they’d all been used and nobody bothered bringing them back to the bar when they came to order again. That meant I had to leave the bar to go and collect some glasses, by the time I got back there were about 20 people at the bar, and I could only carry 8 glasses at a time so that’s all I had. First bloke ordered a beer, I go to pour and find the beer is empty. I announce I need to change the keg and that I’ll be right back, cue them all moaning at me.

I went to the basement to change the beers and then had a panic attack because I knew what I was in for when I got back. Insults and abuse. Then I had an epiphany. “I don’t have to do this. Nobody is forcing me to be here. I’m not their slave.” So I just went to the office to clock out and fucked off home (it was about 11:30pm at this point) where I spent the rest of the evening drinking wine and watching TV. I did feel slightly guilty that my actions my have ruined a wedding reception but then I didn’t care, it’s their own fault for being cunts to me. They weren’t a nice lot at all.

Woke up this morning to an incensed text from my manager. The other 2 bar staff in were too busy to notice my function had no bartender, so nobody covered me. Apparently didn’t take long for the bride and groom to notice they had no bar and they wandered the hotel for the rest of their wedding reception looking for a staff member (they couldn’t access the other 2 functions) to talk to. Eventually the poor girl at front desk got it which I feel awful about, I didn’t consider that. She was unable to serve them as had to be at the front desk, but she dealt with them screaming at her all night. The wedding party are fuming, have all left terrible reviews (I’ve read it and it’s full of personal insults about me) and are demanding a full refund from the hotel which will likely need to be granted. They were that busy trying to sort out the lack of bar they missed most of the dancing and food at their own wedding reception. I feel awful about my colleague at front desk but AIBU to think the wedding party deserved it and to not feel guilty about them. It goes without saying that I no longer have a job there, but it’s a relief. I also feel smug that the sexist supervisor had to clean up after them the next day. That typically would’ve been my job at 3am after the function.

OP posts:
Maverickess · 05/12/2022 02:20

NumberTheory · 05/12/2022 02:03

I’m a bit in two minds about this.

I don’t think you were wrong to leave. It’s more about the way you seem to be blaming the guests rather than the management who seem like they fucked over the wedding guests, leaving you to take the strain.

Even with you there, it sounds like the hotel failed to provide the service the wedding reception could reasonably expect. It’s not the sort of thing you can redo, so I understand some anger towards the hotel - which means you (and the receptionist) as representatives. But that anger shouldn’t be personal or abusive. So to the extent it was, I think it’s reasonable to blame them. But it sounds like the whole situation is largely down to the management failing to staff appropriately and that’s where the majority of the blame should go.

The guests behaviour towards OP are half the problem, she wasn't sat with her feet up, she was serving them as fast as she could, they could see the situation for themselves, they were contributing towards it by holding up their rounds arguing over payments etc - they chose however to abuse OP and quite frankly they got what they deserved for that.
Fine to be angry about it, fine to voice that and expect it to be addressed, not fine to see the situation in front of you with your own eyes and abuse someone for it, especially someone you know is as much a victim of it as you are.

It's hardly a traumatic and life changing experience to wait 10 minutes for a pint is it? She was providing alcohol, not oxygen.

There tends to be a domino effect in these types of situations and a kind of mob mentality where the focus becomes not just getting a drink, but bullying, intimidating and ridiculing another person because they can - there's a power imbalance between a customer and a 'server' and this imbalance was used and abused by those 'guests' for their own gratification.
And for once it got them nowhere.

Unfortunately though, OP will likely be thrown under the bus by the management who will entirely blame her for this, when in reality they should be the ones taking the fall.

Mamai90 · 05/12/2022 02:22

BeagleLover1 · 05/12/2022 01:32

The reviews may have been hidden as some contain vile insults toward me

Then they sound like they deserved it. No sympathy.

Redebs · 05/12/2022 02:24

Mamai90 · 05/12/2022 02:22

Then they sound like they deserved it. No sympathy.

What a spiteful thing to say

BeagleLover1 · 05/12/2022 02:28

Have just checked and the worst reviews are gone, so I a imagine management has raised a dispute with TripAdvisor. To protect their own image of course. Words used consist of, ‘drippy’, ‘meek’ ‘gormless’, ‘simple’ ‘incompetent’, ‘thick’ and then one goes on about my appearance. They are angry I get but no need for it, they deserved it. If they had been nice and patient with me I’d have stuck it out and been apologetic to them.

OP posts:
IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 05/12/2022 02:29

Redebs · 05/12/2022 02:24

What a spiteful thing to say

On the contrary, it sounds more than fair, Marmai90 is right. They made vile personal attacks against the OP, just as they did when the OP was harassed by them when she was working. The guests and the bride and groom all sound like vile scum to me. OP said the bride and groom, as well as the guests, were vile to her on the night. The group sounds like a disgusting vile nightmare that no one should have to endure.

BeagleLover1 · 05/12/2022 02:29

The other bartender also had a wedding of 200 people but he is a huge tattooed bloke, so obviously less likely to recieve abuse as he can and does stand up for himself and takes no shit.

OP posts:
Mamai90 · 05/12/2022 02:35

Redebs · 05/12/2022 02:24

What a spiteful thing to say

Oh boohoo! What I'd call spiteful is a woman being targeted in reviews calling her vile insults, so vile they have to be hidden. They sound odious. So no, I don't have sympathy for people like that. My sympathy is with the OP and her colleague on the front desk.

Furries · 05/12/2022 02:45

BeagleLover1 · 05/12/2022 02:28

Have just checked and the worst reviews are gone, so I a imagine management has raised a dispute with TripAdvisor. To protect their own image of course. Words used consist of, ‘drippy’, ‘meek’ ‘gormless’, ‘simple’ ‘incompetent’, ‘thick’ and then one goes on about my appearance. They are angry I get but no need for it, they deserved it. If they had been nice and patient with me I’d have stuck it out and been apologetic to them.

Blimey - management are obviously VERY on the ball for bad reviews to have been logged with TripAdvisor and dealt with in such a short space of time 🤔

BeagleLover1 · 05/12/2022 02:51

The reviews were posted Sunday morning, I saw them not long after. I don’t knkw when they were taken down, I’ve only just gone to check. I believe TripAdvisor temporarily hides reviews before they review them

OP posts:
KeepYaHeadUp · 05/12/2022 02:54

Fuck the lot of them, OP! YANBU

BeagleLover1 · 05/12/2022 02:58

TripAdvisor only delete obviously fake reviews though, I expect to see the reviews reinstated. I hope they are, actually.

OP posts:
Redebs · 05/12/2022 03:04

Oops! I presumed @Mamai90 was saying OP deserved nasty comments in the reviews.
Misunderstanding.
OP clearly has massive sympathy x

kiwigeekmum · 05/12/2022 03:11

I think on balance you aren't the biggest AH - you should not have to put up with abuse like that. Unfortunately it's sometimes a reality in hospo, but it shouldn't be. No-one should be insulted, belittled, abused or shouted at while doing their job.

Leaving without telling anyone was definitely not a NOT-AH move though... You should have phoned your manager. You could have at LEAST given the other staff a "heads up". (As an aside, not that I want to advocate lying because you shouldn't have to, but "I had a sudden onset bout of diarrhea" rarely gets argued with lol)

The biggest AH by far is the management for allowing this to happen at all. Maybe I'm naive but surely there should be two staff on the bar for a 200-person event? Plus a manager on-site for escalation if needed when there are nearly 500 members of the public onsite? Even if all they did was wander around picking up glasses and schmoozing guests, that would have been helpful.

And the people abusing you are of course AHs.

I'd like to hope that management do something to fix this by making sure there are more staff rostered on and on-call, but in reality you might just need to quit that one and find somewhere else. Do not let them blame you for their incompetence. YANBU (but agree with PP about a box of chocs for the receptionist).

Morestrangethings · 05/12/2022 03:15

Not you fault OP. sad about the wedding for the ones getting married etc, and their families, . Also I feel for the receptionist. But this is all on management.

sorry you experienced the abuse face to face, and sorry about mean things said about you on line.

Billybear1 · 05/12/2022 03:28

The general public can be absolute vile
pigs no matter what area you are dealing with them in. They think they have the god givin right to be abusive.

daisychain01 · 05/12/2022 03:41

BeagleLover1 · 05/12/2022 00:49

Technically there is a duty manager but he shows up and goes home as and when he likes. The whole place is an absolute shitshow.

On this basis the duty manager was the one who ruined the reception not you.

Every worker has the right to down tools and withdraw their Labour, and you did that, so power to you for not putting up with their appalling treatment of you. Hope it gives them a message but I doubt anything will change - I'll you be going back there or have you had enough?

By 11pm I craved the sweet release of death this line should be in MN Classics Grin

stuntbubbles · 05/12/2022 03:44

Honestly I think you’re heroic. Is it great that the bride and groom had their wedding marred by this? No, but that’s on management, not you. And you left at 11, not 8! Is it great they all yelled at the girl on the front desk? No, but again that’s on management. You stuck it out longer than I would have done.

DuncanBiscuits · 05/12/2022 03:47

Good for you, OP. Fuck’em.

allthelittlelights · 05/12/2022 03:54

Worked for a Best Western years ago, not Manchester, but this was exactly how weddings were and it was horrible.

RobinRobinMouse · 05/12/2022 03:57

No one deserves to be treated how you were and with 3 nig events on management should have been there. Completely a management error as you were put ina position where you were facing abuse which would have got worse had you not left. The newly weds should be embarrassed by their guest's behaviour, having fun and a drink at a wedding doesn't give anyone an excuse to act like an arse. I'm sure you will find a far better job soon where you are treated with at least a modicum of respect.

Canuck48 · 05/12/2022 04:19

Do you have a local
liquor board you can make a formal complaint to re underage bar tender? Understaffed bar for how many people are attending? That seems absolutely ludicrous especially if there is no person assigned to gather and clean glasses

A sole tender should not be in charge of all that and be the sole person there. That is so wrong!

I am sorry, this sounds like an abysmal operation and the wedding guests including the bride and groom sound foul. Good on you for walking away for your own mental well being and potentially physical.

Canuck48 · 05/12/2022 04:20

One other question, is it legal for them to keep your tips? I thought it was not. I could be wrong though.

Delphinium20 · 05/12/2022 04:33

Add this thread to the review. No one will blame you anymore. And I agree, send that poor girl at the front desk a box of chocolates. And maybe some champagne. Good on you for quitting!

MrsMiddleMother · 05/12/2022 04:34

You were absolutely not unreasonable! The people in the wrong are your managers and the wedding party. The manager never should have left you and your colleagues all alone to run a function each! When my old hotel was understaffed they would get agency staff in which is exactly what should have happened. And yeah, slow service can be annoying but there's no need for harassment or abuse. There's also no chance I'd let a bar issue ruin my wedding reception but then my family and friends don't rely on alcohol to have a good time, so fuck them

NumberTheory · 05/12/2022 04:35

Maverickess · 05/12/2022 02:20

The guests behaviour towards OP are half the problem, she wasn't sat with her feet up, she was serving them as fast as she could, they could see the situation for themselves, they were contributing towards it by holding up their rounds arguing over payments etc - they chose however to abuse OP and quite frankly they got what they deserved for that.
Fine to be angry about it, fine to voice that and expect it to be addressed, not fine to see the situation in front of you with your own eyes and abuse someone for it, especially someone you know is as much a victim of it as you are.

It's hardly a traumatic and life changing experience to wait 10 minutes for a pint is it? She was providing alcohol, not oxygen.

There tends to be a domino effect in these types of situations and a kind of mob mentality where the focus becomes not just getting a drink, but bullying, intimidating and ridiculing another person because they can - there's a power imbalance between a customer and a 'server' and this imbalance was used and abused by those 'guests' for their own gratification.
And for once it got them nowhere.

Unfortunately though, OP will likely be thrown under the bus by the management who will entirely blame her for this, when in reality they should be the ones taking the fall.

If it wasn’t a bar I think there’d be much more of an argument that it was unanticipated guest behaviour and while the management did understaff they couldn’t have anticipated it would lead to this.

But it’s a bar at a wedding reception in a country with a culture of getting drunk at weddings. Management know this and did not provide the staffing necessary to meet reasonable expectations or to cope with the impact of drunk guests even though it was the hotel selling them the alcohol they were getting drunk on.

So while, as I said originally, I do think the abusive guests behaved appallingly and hold some responsibility. I disagree that this isn’t primarily and mainly a failing of management.

I also disagree that customers who are failed by a business owe some kind of duty to the staff being paid by that company when it all goes to shit, as you seem to imply. As an employee you’re a representative of the company, you aren’t a comrade in arms with the customer.