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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have ruined a wedding reception?

377 replies

BeagleLover1 · 05/12/2022 00:29

Took on a weekend part-time bar job, needs must. I’m a single mum to teen DC who are fine to be left and I have a 9-5 in the week, so it made sense.

I’ve been working there 2 months now. It’s a large hotel that has wedding functions. I actually loved it at first, the buzz, having a crack and making conversation with people etc. Some of the other bar staff were similar age to me (late 30s) which was lovely as well.

The last month though, there’s been an influx of people leaving due to terrible working conditions. We are no longer getting tips due to ‘increased bills’, there’s a sexist new supervisor that insults us all in his own language (somebody used a translater on their phone to find out what he was saying to women under his breath all of the time, and it was vile), we aren’t allowed drinks on shift anymore (we used to be allowed to have drinks on draft, now that’s not allowed, we can only have water and the bars don’t even have a bloody sink so we have to leave the bar to walk across the hotel to a water machine, on 12 hour shifts), everybody is too scared to order staff food from the chef on breaks because he is also overworked and has a go at us for ordering food. It’s been awful but I was trying to stick it out.

We are very understaffed. I went in on Saturday, and found out that there were 2 weddings on in 2 different function rooms, and then a family party on in another room. Both weddings 200 people each, the family party 70 people. There were only 3 bar staff in the entire hotel, one for each function. We also have a main bar in the lobby but that was shut due to being understaffed. I had to manage a bar of 200 people completely alone. The managers left at 8pm, just as it was kicking off. Our bars shut at 2am so I knew I was in for it. The bar was always rammed with at least 6 people at any given time. By 11pm I craved the sweet release of death. I was dealing with sexual harassment from several different blokes, and had nobody to back me up. I kept getting shouted at for slow service, constant “For fucks sake love, how long does it take to pour a pint” (whilst I had 5 other drinks orders to do before him), people spending literally 10 minutes arguing about who’s paying for what round whilst other people shouted at me to serve them, people demanding free drinks “Oh I’m the best man don’t I get one?”, being called a “tight cow” for giving £5 in change in coins instead of a note. I couldn’t stand it. People who weren’t even part of the wedding kept wandering in as well angered that the lobby bar was closed, expecting to be served by me.

I than ran out of glasses, they’d all been used and nobody bothered bringing them back to the bar when they came to order again. That meant I had to leave the bar to go and collect some glasses, by the time I got back there were about 20 people at the bar, and I could only carry 8 glasses at a time so that’s all I had. First bloke ordered a beer, I go to pour and find the beer is empty. I announce I need to change the keg and that I’ll be right back, cue them all moaning at me.

I went to the basement to change the beers and then had a panic attack because I knew what I was in for when I got back. Insults and abuse. Then I had an epiphany. “I don’t have to do this. Nobody is forcing me to be here. I’m not their slave.” So I just went to the office to clock out and fucked off home (it was about 11:30pm at this point) where I spent the rest of the evening drinking wine and watching TV. I did feel slightly guilty that my actions my have ruined a wedding reception but then I didn’t care, it’s their own fault for being cunts to me. They weren’t a nice lot at all.

Woke up this morning to an incensed text from my manager. The other 2 bar staff in were too busy to notice my function had no bartender, so nobody covered me. Apparently didn’t take long for the bride and groom to notice they had no bar and they wandered the hotel for the rest of their wedding reception looking for a staff member (they couldn’t access the other 2 functions) to talk to. Eventually the poor girl at front desk got it which I feel awful about, I didn’t consider that. She was unable to serve them as had to be at the front desk, but she dealt with them screaming at her all night. The wedding party are fuming, have all left terrible reviews (I’ve read it and it’s full of personal insults about me) and are demanding a full refund from the hotel which will likely need to be granted. They were that busy trying to sort out the lack of bar they missed most of the dancing and food at their own wedding reception. I feel awful about my colleague at front desk but AIBU to think the wedding party deserved it and to not feel guilty about them. It goes without saying that I no longer have a job there, but it’s a relief. I also feel smug that the sexist supervisor had to clean up after them the next day. That typically would’ve been my job at 3am after the function.

OP posts:
10storeylovesong · 05/12/2022 14:48

My money's on Cresta Court hotel...

PlentyOFool · 05/12/2022 15:14

MsRosley · 05/12/2022 12:39

Nobody should have to put up with this kind of abuse when doing their job. Nobody. I'd threaten the management with a constructive dismissal case. That should focus their minds on whose fault this is.

☝🏻 One peep from them and I'd do this...

TheTartfulLodger · 05/12/2022 15:42

10storeylovesong · 05/12/2022 14:48

My money's on Cresta Court hotel...

So was mine til I realised the reviews don't match.

NumberTheory · 05/12/2022 16:06

“She was horrified, and before I knew it she was bringing me a spread of food from her buffet and brought me a soft drink on her (because we aren’t allowed them as staff). She said if I wanted another one to just ask. I didn’t of course, but the principal was lovely. She got her guests to leave nice tips as well. I’m not saying I expect that all the time, but I’m saying I’d have stuck it out on Saturday if I wasn’t being abused”

Did you even tell the Bride and groom that some customers were being abusive and if they didn’t stop you’d have to close the bar as there weren’t enough staff to deal with them any other way?

Wfhandbored · 05/12/2022 16:31

Sorry but anyone who thinks OP is being unreasonable is unreasonable themselves. OP tried bloody hard by the sounds and was beaten down by it. You have to look after yourself at some point. I wouldn't ever drown for someone else to fill their pockets at my own detriment. You did the right thing x

TheTartfulLodger · 05/12/2022 16:34

NumberTheory · 05/12/2022 16:06

“She was horrified, and before I knew it she was bringing me a spread of food from her buffet and brought me a soft drink on her (because we aren’t allowed them as staff). She said if I wanted another one to just ask. I didn’t of course, but the principal was lovely. She got her guests to leave nice tips as well. I’m not saying I expect that all the time, but I’m saying I’d have stuck it out on Saturday if I wasn’t being abused”

Did you even tell the Bride and groom that some customers were being abusive and if they didn’t stop you’d have to close the bar as there weren’t enough staff to deal with them any other way?

The bride and groom were just as abusive themselves apparently.

Angelofthenortheast · 05/12/2022 16:36

YANBU a billion times!

Your manager is a full blown moron if he doesn't realise how lucky he is that you didn't carry on working and having a full mental and very visible mental health episode in front of all the customers.

LBFseBrom · 05/12/2022 16:37

You are well out of it, op. Good for you!

I hope you find another, better job that suits you before too long.

hashbrownsandwich · 05/12/2022 16:40

Who was the licencee that evening?

NameChangedBecauseImHereALot · 05/12/2022 16:42

Yanbu good for you! Sounds like a horrible bunch, this SHOULD be the norm. If you speak to someone like they're shit then you don't get any service but nowadays everyone is so polite and frankly in need of their shit jobs they put up with it. I'm proud of you and I don't even know you!

InsomniacVampire · 05/12/2022 16:52

The managers should not have left. In my hotel dury manager aside, we always had bar/function manager who stayed until almost the very end, duty manager was doing different service (overseeing room service, etc)- unthinkable to see the function for a few hundred people to un on one person in the bar.

MichaelJaxon · 05/12/2022 16:55

The management ruined the wedding, not you.

Having said that I wouldn't have walked out during someone's wedding, it's not about the cost it's the fact that that will now be their memory of their wedding forever.

I'd have tried to call someone or speak to reception or something to at least have tried to get someone to cover.

SeenAndNot · 05/12/2022 16:59

BeagleLover1 · 05/12/2022 00:54

This place doesn’t care about rules and regulations. The bartender serving the family party was 17. Thankfully, the other bartender on that night is a huge confident bloke who can hold his own with abusive guests, and he was looking out for the 17 year old. The bars are covered in mould and there’s been problems with vermin. I know it sounds unbelievable that a place could be so mismanaged, but it’s true. I was a guest a wedding at this hotel about 10 years ago, and it had issues then. I almost want to name and shame, but I won’t.

report all the health and safety violations to your local council.

Don’t blame you for walking out. Hold your head high and go get a job somewhere decent.

lamaze1 · 05/12/2022 17:12

@NumberTheory op's post at 2:05
"This particular party were vile, including the bride and the groom who I got verbal abuse from for not being able to magic up 15 drinks immediately."

BeagleLover1 · 05/12/2022 18:01

I’m not concerned about legal repercussions tbf. They pay people minimum wage, staff turnover is ridiculous. They’d never spend the time or money on legal action. 2 of the male supervisors blatantly show each other porn on shift and have never faced any kind of disciplinary.

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 05/12/2022 18:12

lamaze1 · 05/12/2022 17:12

@NumberTheory op's post at 2:05
"This particular party were vile, including the bride and the groom who I got verbal abuse from for not being able to magic up 15 drinks immediately."

But it doesn’t sound like OP did anything at all to ameliorate the situation before it became a shit show. Those customers, including the bride and groom, were totally let down and it isn’t their job to fill in for the care she should expect from her managers. She hasn’t mentioned a single thing she did to be proactive about fixing the lack of resources, managing expectations or setting boundaries.

She seems to be expecting everyone to be lovely to her because her managers are shit. And I totally get leaving that employment situation. The guests becoming abusive was unacceptable, but the service they received was abysmal and rather than talk to them about it before it hurt the function, OP seems to think the Bride and Groom should have noticed she was struggling and maybe bring her food and tell everyone to tip her better! It’s not that surprising they didn’t think well of her, that’s not exactly the attitude of someone set on providing a good service.

My point isn’t that OP is to blame in some way. It sounds like she was put in an impossible situation. But I don’t think the guests are to blame either. Their reception was already ruined before OP went home. Them being abusive wasn’t the problem with the function (though it is a problem). The core issue is that the management took money for a function including a bar but didn’t provide the staffing or policies required to make a function with a bar work properly.

It would all have most likely been fairly easily manageable if the management had provided sufficient staff. The abuse would not only have been less because people weren’t so upset at the abysmal service, but having someone there who challenged and managed abuse from the assholes that do it anyway would have lowered its prevalence and taken the pressure away. This is the whole reason premises that sell alcohol are required to have a licensed proprietor and their license to serve is subject to removal if they can’t manage people (who often get abusive when they drink) well. Managing abusive people is a part of running a bar.

stuntbubbles · 05/12/2022 18:16

What was OP meant to do to ameliorate the situation? Walk out from the bar into the baying mob and ask the drunk bride and groom to sort their guests out?

Aworldofmyown · 05/12/2022 18:32

You did the right thing OP. Let the hotel deal with the aftermath.

emilydickinsonscat · 05/12/2022 18:35

It sounds like a completely unsafe place to work.

How they think leaving a lone female with a dozens of drunk men is safe or acceptable I don't know.

There a lots and lots of job vacancies at the moment, you did absolutely the right thing, you were in physical danger!

NumberTheory · 05/12/2022 18:35

stuntbubbles · 05/12/2022 18:16

What was OP meant to do to ameliorate the situation? Walk out from the bar into the baying mob and ask the drunk bride and groom to sort their guests out?

Talk to them right at the start before there was a “baying mob” would have been the obvious starting place. She’s must have known it was going to be shit service for them since she implies it’s happened plenty before.

Tiani4 · 05/12/2022 18:44

I'm confused
Were you booked and paid to be staffing the bar until when?

If you left before end of your shift then you tell the bar manager why- sexual harassment and feeling unsafe is why but why not ring a manager?

If you were sue to leave anyway t that time then rest of it is the best managers problem

Tiani4 · 05/12/2022 18:44

Bar managers

MALJA · 05/12/2022 18:45

I don’t think you were unreasonable in the slightest. Most people wouldn’t have lasted as long as you. I’d actually look into taking the company to a tribunal given you have now lost your job due to abhorrent working conditions.

AnneElliott · 05/12/2022 18:49

That sounds shit op. Definitely report to the local authority the breaches of licence conditions and with the shortage of staff i agree they were probably in breach of fire regs as well so I'd also be making a call to the Manchester fire brigade.

Don't feel bad - you should never have been left in that position. Management (who are presumably paid more than you) should have stepped in your help. No way don't ou leave 1 person on a wedding bar.

Maverickess · 05/12/2022 18:53

NumberTheory · 05/12/2022 18:12

But it doesn’t sound like OP did anything at all to ameliorate the situation before it became a shit show. Those customers, including the bride and groom, were totally let down and it isn’t their job to fill in for the care she should expect from her managers. She hasn’t mentioned a single thing she did to be proactive about fixing the lack of resources, managing expectations or setting boundaries.

She seems to be expecting everyone to be lovely to her because her managers are shit. And I totally get leaving that employment situation. The guests becoming abusive was unacceptable, but the service they received was abysmal and rather than talk to them about it before it hurt the function, OP seems to think the Bride and Groom should have noticed she was struggling and maybe bring her food and tell everyone to tip her better! It’s not that surprising they didn’t think well of her, that’s not exactly the attitude of someone set on providing a good service.

My point isn’t that OP is to blame in some way. It sounds like she was put in an impossible situation. But I don’t think the guests are to blame either. Their reception was already ruined before OP went home. Them being abusive wasn’t the problem with the function (though it is a problem). The core issue is that the management took money for a function including a bar but didn’t provide the staffing or policies required to make a function with a bar work properly.

It would all have most likely been fairly easily manageable if the management had provided sufficient staff. The abuse would not only have been less because people weren’t so upset at the abysmal service, but having someone there who challenged and managed abuse from the assholes that do it anyway would have lowered its prevalence and taken the pressure away. This is the whole reason premises that sell alcohol are required to have a licensed proprietor and their license to serve is subject to removal if they can’t manage people (who often get abusive when they drink) well. Managing abusive people is a part of running a bar.

The OP wasn't in a position to change anything, it wasn't up to her to speak to the bride and groom and explain anything - and apart from the fact that they could see for themselves, anything she did that would have been 'proactive' would have slowed down the service that people were already being aggressive about - leaving the bar to find other staff, speak to the B&G or in fact just take a few seconds to send a text would have pulled her away from serving, and yes seeing as she was already being shouted and sworn at for leaving the bar for necessities like changing barrels and collection of glasses, and the B&G had themselves been arsey with her, there was no suggestion that this would have improved matters, much likely made them worse tbh because you get into an argument with people, all she would have got was more abuse and inflamed the situation - when people are behaving like that they have already shown zero respect, they're the ones with the power and they know it, and they use it to bully simply because they can.
Although you mitigate by saying she's not to blame, it sounds like you're suggesting she partly is by not being proactive enough.

And yes, the minute the guests, including the B&G became aggressive, they become part of the issue and partly culpable.

They didn't have to cheerlead OP, collect glasses or in fact do anything other than not abuse her. They chose to abuse her and OP withdrawing service is because of that. It's the concequences of their actions and they deserved it. The OP has said that had they not been abusive then she would have stuck it out - as untenable as the situation was already before the abuse started. The deciding factor was the abuse she received.

Attitudes like this are part of the reason that people can and do continue to abuse service staff. I don't care what happened, there's no excuse for treating a human being that way, no mitigation, no matter how let down they were.

And taking it out on people like OP perpetuates the issue because they allow the real culprits to escape the issues they caused, because I can bet that the B&G will have been although angry, no where near as vile towards a manager and a man as they (and their guests) were on the night.

Although the situation was caused by appalling management, and yes the wedding party were totally let down by that and that absolutely needs addressing, becoming abusive was not the answer. And in this case it resulted in total withdrawal of service - a reasonable reaction to the abuse being dished out.

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