To have ruined a wedding reception?

[BeagleLover1]

Took on a weekend part-time bar job, needs must. I’m a single mum to teen DC who are fine to be left and I have a 9-5 in the week, so it made sense.

I’ve been working there 2 months now. It’s a large hotel that has wedding functions. I actually loved it at first, the buzz, having a crack and making conversation with people etc. Some of the other bar staff were similar age to me (late 30s) which was lovely as well.

The last month though, there’s been an influx of people leaving due to terrible working conditions. We are no longer getting tips due to ‘increased bills’, there’s a sexist new supervisor that insults us all in his own language (somebody used a translater on their phone to find out what he was saying to women under his breath all of the time, and it was vile), we aren’t allowed drinks on shift anymore (we used to be allowed to have drinks on draft, now that’s not allowed, we can only have water and the bars don’t even have a bloody sink so we have to leave the bar to walk across the hotel to a water machine, on 12 hour shifts), everybody is too scared to order staff food from the chef on breaks because he is also overworked and has a go at us for ordering food. It’s been awful but I was trying to stick it out.

We are very understaffed. I went in on Saturday, and found out that there were 2 weddings on in 2 different function rooms, and then a family party on in another room. Both weddings 200 people each, the family party 70 people. There were only 3 bar staff in the entire hotel, one for each function. We also have a main bar in the lobby but that was shut due to being understaffed. I had to manage a bar of 200 people completely alone. The managers left at 8pm, just as it was kicking off. Our bars shut at 2am so I knew I was in for it. The bar was always rammed with at least 6 people at any given time. By 11pm I craved the sweet release of death. I was dealing with sexual harassment from several different blokes, and had nobody to back me up. I kept getting shouted at for slow service, constant “For fucks sake love, how long does it take to pour a pint” (whilst I had 5 other drinks orders to do before him), people spending literally 10 minutes arguing about who’s paying for what round whilst other people shouted at me to serve them, people demanding free drinks “Oh I’m the best man don’t I get one?”, being called a “tight cow” for giving £5 in change in coins instead of a note. I couldn’t stand it. People who weren’t even part of the wedding kept wandering in as well angered that the lobby bar was closed, expecting to be served by me.

I than ran out of glasses, they’d all been used and nobody bothered bringing them back to the bar when they came to order again. That meant I had to leave the bar to go and collect some glasses, by the time I got back there were about 20 people at the bar, and I could only carry 8 glasses at a time so that’s all I had. First bloke ordered a beer, I go to pour and find the beer is empty. I announce I need to change the keg and that I’ll be right back, cue them all moaning at me.

I went to the basement to change the beers and then had a panic attack because I knew what I was in for when I got back. Insults and abuse. Then I had an epiphany. “I don’t have to do this. Nobody is forcing me to be here. I’m not their slave.” So I just went to the office to clock out and fucked off home (it was about 11:30pm at this point) where I spent the rest of the evening drinking wine and watching TV. I did feel slightly guilty that my actions my have ruined a wedding reception but then I didn’t care, it’s their own fault for being cunts to me. They weren’t a nice lot at all.

Woke up this morning to an incensed text from my manager. The other 2 bar staff in were too busy to notice my function had no bartender, so nobody covered me. Apparently didn’t take long for the bride and groom to notice they had no bar and they wandered the hotel for the rest of their wedding reception looking for a staff member (they couldn’t access the other 2 functions) to talk to. Eventually the poor girl at front desk got it which I feel awful about, I didn’t consider that. She was unable to serve them as had to be at the front desk, but she dealt with them screaming at her all night. The wedding party are fuming, have all left terrible reviews (I’ve read it and it’s full of personal insults about me) and are demanding a full refund from the hotel which will likely need to be granted. They were that busy trying to sort out the lack of bar they missed most of the dancing and food at their own wedding reception. I feel awful about my colleague at front desk but AIBU to think the wedding party deserved it and to not feel guilty about them. It goes without saying that I no longer have a job there, but it’s a relief. I also feel smug that the sexist supervisor had to clean up after them the next day. That typically would’ve been my job at 3am after the function.

She hasn’t mentioned a single thing she did to be proactive about fixing the lack of resources, managing expectations or setting boundaries.

Possibly because she was busy finding glasses, changing beer kegs and serving people drinks, as per her job description? Which means she was trying to "fix the lack of resources."

How on earth is she supposed to "manage expectations" and "set boundaries" on top of keeping a bunch of rude pissheads happy with more booze?

I think what you're suggesting is well above her pay grade and given that they were being rude to her she was well within her rights to simply walk out.

She hasn’t mentioned a single thing she did to be proactive about fixing the lack of resources, managing expectations or setting boundaries.
What on earth do you think she should have done to fix the lack of resources? The resources lacking was staff. She couldn't bring in some mates to help out!!

Have you "managed expectations" of 200 people wanting to drink who have already had a few? The police can rarely do that without using some sort of force. What was she to be doing exactly?

And what boundaries could she realistically set?

Please do share you're actual examples, not just vague statements, because it seems like you're blaming a woman who has a panic attack after hours of pressure and abuse, for not preventing that. These are people, remember, who the next day, left personal insults to her on a public review. That says all you need to know about dealing with them when they were actively drunk and wanting more alcohol.

Well put.

YANBU - totally the fault of the hotel management for not staffing the functions properly or looking after their workers. That’s too much for one person to handle effectively, even with nice customers. If they have to refund the wedding party so be it - hopefully they’ll learn a lesson from that.

I've done lots of bar work and I would have done what you did. If the wedding party had been patient and polite to you, then of course it would be unfair on them to walk out (if not your managers - you owe your managers nothing here) but the wedding guests were being total cunts and deserved all they got.

I absolutely agree that the issue is that the venue did not provide the resources necessary. I don’t think there was anyway to make this a roaring success. In this post you quote I was simply responding to someone who said it isn’t up to the OP to talk to the guests - I disagree with that.

The idea that you are the only staff person at the event, you’re serving alcohol in a situation you know has the potential to get out of hand and you do nothing to manage that - that’s a fundamental lack of the skills needed to serve alcohol.

It is down to the management that they didn’t put those skills in place at the function. I’m not, as Ive said in previous posts here, blaming OP for the situation. I’m pointing out that the blame lies squarely on the management because serving alcohol increases the likelihood of this type of behaviour and managing that is a part of being fit to hold a license.

You're still talking nonsense. No amount of talking would have resolved the situation (of 200 people wanting drinks). In fact, given the abuse she was getting, talking would probably have made things worse.

Training to de-escalate situations also includes knowing when not to talk!

Well done you. The managers should have made sure there were enough staff on to cover in the first place

Out of interest, what do you think she should've done or said in those exact circumstances? That is to say, what would you have said to 200 people, many of them obnoxious, abusive drunk people- with no solution to hand? How could she possibly have appeased them?

I haven’t said that OP could have simply had a bit of chat with them all and then the reception would go really well. I am not saying the failure of the reception was OP’s fault at all.

I’ve said the hotel have failed to do many of the things that are important when you are serving alcohol to a lot of people and much of the blame for the abuse is down to that. Talking to the people who booked the event, right at the start, before your inability to meet your obligations to them is apparent to everyone, is one of those things that is necessary to make things go as smoothly as possible when there are problems. And a conversation like that could have been used to manage expectations and make suggestions that would have lessened the likelihood of abuse (which doesn’t mean the reception would be a resounding success). That the hotel didn’t have anyone to do any of that, including OP, is why I don’t think the OP should be blaming the guests. This is entirely predictable from the failings of the management.

That's above the OP's pay grade.

You seem to be an apologist for the people abusing the OP.

I'd quite like to see you in the OP's exact position, so you could have your chat with 200 people wanting a drink!

Yeah, fuck it.

A bit shit for the bride/groom but what large hotel leaves one person managing an entire wedding party on their own for a whole evening. I mean how are you even supposed to have a break?

I'd have probs contacted management and said I need some support, but ultimately they shouldn't have buggered off at 8pm and left you to the wolves.

CBA to go through the entire thread.

Has the bride's sister turned up on it complaining about the OP yet?

If she hasn't, I'm disappointed.

That is so insulting to the vast number of people on MW who do give their effort.

Tbf it's a well known saying. Usually meaning 'you get what you pay for' rather than being a criticism of the worker.

I absolutely agree that the issue is that the venue did not provide the resources necessary. I don’t think there was anyway to make this a roaring success. In this post you quote I was simply responding to someone who said it isn’t up to the OP to talk to the guests - I disagree with that.

It was me said that and it was not up to OP to try and resolve this situation by 'talking' with 200 rowdy guests who were already being aggressive because they couldn't get their hands on alcohol as fast as they'd like, as I said originally and as other pp point out, it would have likely made the situation worse, not better. It would have held up service even more for a start - for people already shouting at her for the slow service in the first place.
The situation was too far gone from the minute OP walked in and realised what was happening, I would say that the only way the OP herself could have been more 'proactive' was to have left earlier, when the abuse started. But all credit to her because she tried to stick it out - the guests with their behaviour made that untenable.

The OP, me and other posters are only blaming the guests for their own abusive and aggressive behaviour, not for not helping OP, not for the issues caused by the appalling management, simply for their own behaviour. And they exhibited that behaviour because it's socially acceptable to bully, belittle and abuse service staff across the board, and they never in a million years expected her to down tools and walk out and withdraw service because service staff are just supposed to stand there and take it. More and more won't, or can't any more and that's one of the reasons the sector is so short staffed.

Well they were un-fucking-lucky this time because they didn't just get away with their awful behaviour and they lost access to their precious booze because of it.

This seems to have lost a bit out of context. My point is not and never has been that the OP in particular should have been doing that (and I’ve never said anyone should have a chat with 200 people - that’s just a blatant strawman you’ve added for some reason). My point was having people who are able to do this is a necessary part of being licensed to serve alcohol. and that the hotel did not have people able to do this is another way they let OP and the guests down.

I don’t think I’ve been an apologist for the people abusing OP in that I’ve said the abuse isn’t acceptable. But it is predictable when you feed alcohol to people without the resources to handle them. OP seems to think it’s okay to get paid for being part of, basically, a scam whereby the hotel get paid for holding an event but don’t provide the resources necessary to hold it successfully - so long as those people being scammed are nice to her. I’m pointing out that if this is the hotel’s standard operating procedure abuse is a predictable outcome of that scam and OP should be blaming her employer because it’s been a predictable risk at every function that is under resourced.

Jeez, so many words and still so little understanding of how real life works.

This reads like some management textbook written by someone who has never seen the outside of their office, let along dealt with a horde of angry drunks.

Isn't the bill still going through parliament?

Well done for walking OP. Appalling conditions to expect you to work in. Don’t give it another thought.

Any decent employer should be concerned about you suing them for constructive dismissal. Just because you work behind a bar doesn’t mean you should tolerate abuse.

Rubbish for the bride and groom but their anger should get directed at the management, not you.

Sorry, I very much doubt you would have had a clue on how to handle this. You are completely deluded if you think you'd have stood a chance.

The op owed them absolutely nothing!

@BeagleLover1 are you going to report them?

Does it have to be partly OPs fault because she's a service worker? Or the guests have no responsibility for their own behaviour because they're customers?

The OP is blaming her employer, she is also holding to account the people who were abusive towards her.

The management failed massively here, we all recognise that, but that does not absolve the guests of their own behaviour. It should not be a given that if you are let down you respond with abuse, and doing so should not be defended.

We have an attitude towards behaviour like this in this country of "Eeh, I was drunk, what am I like" but the fact is people choose to drink that much and they choose to behave like that. People who downplay the behaviour and hide behind 'poor customer service' to excuse abuse are part of the problem.

When you choose to abuse someone else, under any circumstances, you run the risk that they will withdraw or retaliate. OP withdrew and the concequences are the guests got no more booze because they'd abused the person serving it.

OP did her job, for hours before she walked out, she didn't abuse anyone, she didn't let anyone down and she didn't ruin anything.

The blame for the poor staffing and organisation is on the management, the blame for the poor behaviour is on the people exhibiting it. Excusing the abuse because it's bound to happen is not appropriate, yes there should have been more people to manage this situation, but the abuse should not have happened in the first place - there is no reason to behave like that, and even less so when what's at 'stake' is having to wait a few minutes for a drink - the response to that (what the guests called and said to OP) is totally disproportionate.

It’s not OP’s fault at all. I’ve never said it’s even partially OP’s fault.