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Original poster

Mum's boyfriend kicking her out of their home after 24 years

383 replies

heathspeedwell · 04/12/2022 19:44

Just found out that my mum's partner has sold their house and is kicking her out. She doesn't know yet.

They aren't married but she invested £25k into their first home, which they bought for £125k. Her name has never been on the deeds.

They have moved house four times and their current home is worth maybe £800k. She's done loads of DIY and they have also had lodgers that she has done the work for. She paid £30k for the kitchen last year.

My mum's boyfriend's son (whom I have thought of as a stepbrother) has said that his dad plans to give my mum back the £25k from their first house. We are both shocked that his dad is being so mean.

Although they are not married I can't believe that he can get away with just giving her the £25k. If she can prove she bought the kitchen does that give her any rights at all?

Hoping that someone can give me advice on what my mum should do. Is it better if she stays in the house until they reach a fair settlement or is she better to get away as soon as possible?

OP posts:
Shitfather · 05/12/2022 12:59

LeilaRose777 · 05/12/2022 11:46

Bank statments - your mother's bank will be able to give her statements going back years and years. She has to ask for them specifically though, usually at the branch. She should then go through them with a highlighter pen marking all the money she spent on the house/him/his children, then mark each page that has an outgoing like this with a post it note. Let your step brother know that she is going to fight tooth and nail for her money - and I advise you to help her, even move in with her if you can. Above all, she must not leave the house. If you/your mum make enough fuss, and put enough barriers in his way, he will buy her out. I think with everything you've said it would be around 150k.

Agree she shouldn’t move out. Advising OP to advise her mother she’ll fight tooth and nail is a bit silly IMHO. Her mum needs to seek legal advice and have the money to fight - taking this to trial will cost 50-100k plus OH’a costs if she loses. I know as I’ve just concluded my own case on a similar issue. She should try to mediate with the best lawyers she can afford.

Dixiechickonhols · 05/12/2022 13:03

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 05/12/2022 12:38

She has put a £30,000 kitchen in and has proof of this.

Where does it say in any of OP's posts that her mum has proof of this? That she paid for it?

I do hope that she does have proof, but more than likely she does not. Even if she has proof her scumbag ex can claim that it was a gift.

Show quote history

Op’s post 19.51 yesterday. Can easily prove mum paid for kitchen is what she says.

Shitfather · 05/12/2022 13:05

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 05/12/2022 08:16

Again, you are wrong and misinformed. You need PROOF to bring a claim for a beneficial interest, and the OP's mum has none.

Show quote history

Agree - the onus is on the person seeking beneficial ownership to prove a common intention to share. Paying for a kitchen isn’t sufficient, I’m afraid. You need detailed forensic evidence of emails, electronic conversations, etc. judges do not hand over a share of a property based on putting in a new kitchen. I suggest OP’s mum stops at mediation. Even getting it to that stage with evidence is ball breakingly stressful.

Dixiechickonhols · 05/12/2022 13:14

heathspeedwell · 05/12/2022 12:57

So I talked to her this morning and she is in shock and denial. She thinks that they are going to stay friends and she is going to remain part of the family, so she doesn't want to rock the boat.

She's busy today apparently, but she's meeting me for lunch tomorrow. I'm going to gently try to explain that he's not acting in her best interest.

Thank you so much to everyone for your advice, especially @TooTrusting . I hope I can help her to at least get the interest on the £25k she 'lent' him all those years ago!

She’s an adult and makes her own decisions. I’d definitely be pushing for her to at least speak to a specialist solicitor for advice.
I wonder if there’s a lot more going on that you currently know.
What were your mums plans if he died? Eg If he was intending to leave his house to his son then she must have had a plan B for after his death .

LeilaRose777 · 05/12/2022 13:16

Shitfather · 05/12/2022 12:59

Agree she shouldn’t move out. Advising OP to advise her mother she’ll fight tooth and nail is a bit silly IMHO. Her mum needs to seek legal advice and have the money to fight - taking this to trial will cost 50-100k plus OH’a costs if she loses. I know as I’ve just concluded my own case on a similar issue. She should try to mediate with the best lawyers she can afford.

Show quote history

Telling to OP's mum to "fight tooth and nail" - I meant that they should let the ex and his family know their seeming intention, whether they do that or not is irrelevant. It's just to indicate that they won't go easily. And maybe she should fight as hard as she can. There are a number of legal grounds she can use, particularly if she has receipts for work done, monies spent and/or promises relating to the property.

BadNomad · 05/12/2022 13:17

Shitfather · 05/12/2022 13:05

Agree - the onus is on the person seeking beneficial ownership to prove a common intention to share. Paying for a kitchen isn’t sufficient, I’m afraid. You need detailed forensic evidence of emails, electronic conversations, etc. judges do not hand over a share of a property based on putting in a new kitchen. I suggest OP’s mum stops at mediation. Even getting it to that stage with evidence is ball breakingly stressful.

Show quote history

You're clearly not a solicitor. Yes, putting in a kitchen counts. As does making regular payments for household bills. Bank statements are proof. Receipts from contractors are proof. Anything that shows the OP was living there like a partner, not a lodger, counts as showing an unwritten agreement to share the house.

DrivingDown · 05/12/2022 13:26

As an absolute minimum she needs £160k (1/5 of the £800k, representing the £25k she out in to the first property.

She also needs to fight to recoup her costs, the kitchen and other outlay on house. And she needs to do it fast.

FloydPepper · 05/12/2022 13:28

DrivingDown · 05/12/2022 13:26

As an absolute minimum she needs £160k (1/5 of the £800k, representing the £25k she out in to the first property.

She also needs to fight to recoup her costs, the kitchen and other outlay on house. And she needs to do it fast.

You can’t say that with any certainty. You don’t know how much the other party has put in at each move, how much both have contributed. We don’t have enough info here for you make a sweeping statement

Dixiechickonhols · 05/12/2022 13:28

I do wonder if there is some paperwork re the initial £25,000 hence his willingness to give her that.
As for the rest and strength of any possible claim it’s a matter of evidence and a solicitor specialising in this area will advise. But it’s her mums claim and if she won’t seek legal advice then that’s her decision.
Is she assuming she can live with you Op?

Shitfather · 05/12/2022 14:08

BadNomad · 05/12/2022 13:17

You're clearly not a solicitor. Yes, putting in a kitchen counts. As does making regular payments for household bills. Bank statements are proof. Receipts from contractors are proof. Anything that shows the OP was living there like a partner, not a lodger, counts as showing an unwritten agreement to share the house.

Show quote history

You are right. I’m not a solicitor. Based on what you’ve said, I’m surprised you are. I’ve just successfully settled on a similar case. My case was stronger than OP’s mother in terms of evidence (based on why she has said), and my lawyers strongly advised me not to take it to court despite me having every single receipt, bank statement, WhatsApp convo, emails, etc etc etc. Mr barrister also sits as a judge and is an expert in this area. He knew a thing or two about how these cases are viewed in court….. He said I got the right outcome morally, but legally, there was a lot of litigation risk.

Putting in a kitchen counts as one small piece of evidence. Sorry, I should have clarified that point. I’m not saying she doesn’t have a case for beneficial ownership, but that the burden of evidence is very high. Common intention needs to be proved first and foremost.

I hope the partner sees sense and settles.

TheaBrandt · 05/12/2022 14:12

Why would he though? That’s the depressing part. Once the love has gone he just wants her gone too and to retain as many assets as he possibly can for himself and his own family. He has no motivation to settle or to give her anymore than he can get away with.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 05/12/2022 14:16

Why would he though? That’s the depressing part. Once the love has gone he just wants her gone too and to retain as many assets as he possibly can for himself and his own family. He has no motivation to settle or to give her anymore than he can get away with.

This would be the exact advice dished out to women here who had split with a partner and where she owned the house.

TheaBrandt · 05/12/2022 14:23

Yes applies to anyone really - hence why everyone needs to be hard headed about their future security early in life. Sadly due to societal reasons it seems some women are less likely to be so. Goes against the “be kind” mindset and not whole heartedly believing that the man will stick to his word goes against the true love / romance narrative women are fed.

LadyEloise1 · 05/12/2022 14:33

heathspeedwell · 04/12/2022 21:06

Thank you everyone. I know they had ups and downs but she has spent the last five years looking after him as he has had three operations and been quite unwell.

Just a thought -
Is he getting his affairs in order - ensuring his children will inherit all he has ?
Perhaps his children are complicit in his "dumping" Sadof your mother.

Legal advice asap.

TheaBrandt · 05/12/2022 14:47

Good point. If she’s actually living with him and he dies she might have a claim on his estate on the grounds he was “supporting” her...

AcrossthePond55 · 05/12/2022 15:53

Ivyblu · 05/12/2022 06:10

SAHM get a lot of stick on here and it is because people are saying they are vulnerable/loss of career for themselves!
But a lot REFUSE to listen...... until it all falls down however they ARE married.

Who doesn't pay rent for 24 years? She should have a good stack of savings.

Do you think she's entitled to someone's house morally?

You can't have it both ways!

Show quote history

That's not the point I was trying to make. On so many threads where the subject is that a working person is saying that their spouse/partner 'doesn't contribute' because they're a SAH (ie no monetary contribution), posters declare that the labour that SAH does IS just as valuable as 'bringing home the bacon'. I just think if we consider the role of a SAHM (or Partner), not all of whom are married, to be a 'worthy contribution' to that household then if OP's mum is carrying the 'domestic load' then she shouldn't be considered to have been living there 'rent free'. She has paid 'in kind' through her labour. I wasn't saying she was specifically 'entitled' to anything. Just making a point that her contribution 'in kind' is as valid as a SAHM's and that she hasn't been 'freeloading' these past years.

As far as what she may be 'morally' entitled to, where did I say she is 'entitled to the house'? I said that legally she is probably only entitled to what she can prove she invested, if that. If they had no 'ring fence' he could always be a prick and say she 'gifted' the money. However, morally I think she's entitled to more than that, but not based on her doing the domestic duties (if that has been their agreement). The fact is that her contribution to the down payment on the first house has increased in value as the house value increased and then through sale and purchase of more expensive houses. If I invested 25K in something and it increased in value, I'd expect a return on my investment, wouldn't you? If Mum's 25K represented, say, 20% of the original downpayment, that 20% has increased in value through sales and 'reinvestment' in new properties. Therefore she should receive 20% of the proceeds from the sale of the current house. That's what I feel she is 'morally' entitled to.

Technonan · 05/12/2022 15:58

This is why people who are not married or in a Civil Partnership needs to get the legal issues sorted out before things go wrong. I'm not sure she is a position to claim much at all apart from her 25k. Not being on the deeds is bad. But I'm not an expert. She needs to get urgent legal advice.

Ofcourseshecan · 05/12/2022 16:05

It certainly sounds like her partner has been planning this behind her back for some time. Apparently he thought he was being generous when he said that of course he would return the £25k.

No, OP, he knows damn well he’s robbing her, and her children! What scum. I hope she gets good legal representation and is able to get a better deal. And I hope his family disown him.

Original poster
heathspeedwell · 05/12/2022 16:16

My concern is that even though he put their home on the market behind her back, and accepted an offer on it, she still believes he's being reasonable.

It sounds like her being in the house is her only bargaining chip and she may well move out before the enormity of what he has done hits her (it might dawn on her if and when she finds out he's seeing someone else, which is a possibility. He was married 4 times before he met my mum so he doesn't hang around).

Thanks so much for everyone's input, I have made a lot of notes and I hope that I can encourage her to salvage some of her sunk costs.

OP posts:
Overthiscrap · 05/12/2022 16:33

Not sure if it is something that can be done but you used to be able to put something like a court order to stop them selling the house and only remove it once a settlement has been agreed and possibly paid.
get her to an appointment asap.

Dixiechickonhols · 05/12/2022 16:43

Hope she listens to you Op. Putting his affairs in order before death or another woman do sound like possible triggers. She’s probably reeling and very embarrassed. What’s done is done but hopefully she’ll at least get some proper advice.

Stopthebusplease · 05/12/2022 16:47

OP, if your DM doesn't wake up and get legal advice NOW, she may well lose just about everything. You really need to make her listen to what you're telling her, and if she won't, and she was my Mum, I'm afraid I'd be inclined to say, 'look Mum, I've told you the truth, you don't want to hear it, or act on it, you're being really stupid, as you've obviously been throughout the years you've lived with him, so don't expect to come and live with me when this all goes tits up, and you're stuck in some grotty little bedsit, or worse still, homeless!' Then leave her to it. I know that sounds really harsh, and she has only just heard the news, so maybe needs time to reflect on it, and speak to him about it, but if she's really silly enough to think that he's going to continue to look after her, she needs a sharp wake up call, or she could literally end up on the street, which I'm sure is the last thing she wants or expects from what you've said.

Havehope21 · 05/12/2022 16:56

How long have they been together? Could she be considered his 'common law wife'?

AlwaysGinPlease · 05/12/2022 16:57

@Havehope21 there is no such thing.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/12/2022 17:04

I talked to her this morning and she is in shock and denial. She thinks that they are going to stay friends and she is going to remain part of the family, so she doesn't want to rock the boat

How would it "rock the boat" to get legal advice? It's not as if a solicitor's going to call him and say "Hey, guess who came to see me today" is it?

Frankly it sounds as if this reluctance to face facts is what got her in this mess in the first place, and if that's so there may be a limit to what you can do, so while I'd continue to push the legal idea I'd be carefu1l of offering more than you can reasonably give here