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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MILs Christmas list is too much!

164 replies

MyNDfamily · 04/12/2022 18:17

My MIL has quite a different approach to myself and my own family to Christmas and Birthdays. For example on my birthday this year she insisted on driving in ver with a card and gift for me on my actual birthday, even though we were due to see her in a couple of days. To her it's important that the gift is given that day.

The reason I am posting is Christmas is getting too much. Every year she sends out her own Christmas lift, (usually there will be some quite expensive items that she would like) Then everyone else, myself, DH, BIL, SIL ect are expected to send a list back, to the family. People then select items from the lists of to be buy for each other. The problem is as the family's are growing, getting married, having DCs the amount of people to buy for is huge. I also don't expect anything and would never as an adult be send my own mother such a list. My Mum might ask me if there is something id like. I'd drop a few ideas and leave it at that. The lists are now so specific too, like some of MILs items had serial numbers included.

To me this defeats the object of giving a gift. I was told to be grateful for what I was given as a child. I actually enjoy looking for things for the DC, my parents, DH ect. I like to notice things and try to get something that fits in with them.

MIL is very middle class and I wonder if that plays a role in it. She has all of DFILs none to to spend where as the rest of us don't.

DH thinks it's normal but it's irritating me, we agreed not to get each other presents this year and the DCs are getting 5 gifts each. We don't want to over spend and it's all the plastic waste that we find depressing too. So this is how we would rather do Christmas.

AIBU to want to opt out of the lists? Do other families do this too?

OP posts:
poefaced · 04/12/2022 18:19

YANBU, it all sounds regimented and stressful.

Just opt out.

Doidontimmm · 04/12/2022 18:21

Nope we don’t send lists but may tell each other things we would like but I’ve done & wrapped all my shopping so it may be a little late for people to decide on a change this year?

BoxOfCats · 04/12/2022 18:21

I'm the same as you, in my family we might say "hey is there anything in particular you want for Xmas" and the other person might respond with something vague like "oh some candles or home fragrance might be nice", but wouldn't expect you to stick to it.

In your case I would pick something off MILs list and get it for her - if it's too expensive you could try to club together with other family members. But I'd just ignore everyone else's lists and either send an Amazon voucher or a token gift.

Isithotinhere · 04/12/2022 18:22

Can you and your husband suggest doing Secret Santa, so you only have to buy a present for one adult, rather than all family members having to consult lists for everyone else?

It might be too late for this year, but if you mention it to SILs and BILs and they agree you could mention it to MIL and get their support.

It does sound very clinical that everyone submits a list, and that the list of people to buy for gets longer and longer.

Lampshadered · 04/12/2022 18:23

Secret Santa and set a limit on how much to spend.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 04/12/2022 18:23

This is what five year olds do. Tell her to post it to the North Pole next year.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 04/12/2022 18:25

Just don't buy anything. She won't do it again.

Goatling · 04/12/2022 18:26

We do a secret santa with a limit of how much to spend, each person writes three suggestions of what they would like and the buyer chooses which item from the list. Works for us.

FictionalCharacter · 04/12/2022 18:27

Of course it’s not normal and I bet your dh doesn’t think so either. He just wants to go along with it so he doesn’t have to confront her.

stuntbubbles · 04/12/2022 18:32

Don’t think it’s a class thing at all; I think it’s a your MIL thing.

In our family now everyone has DC we just buy for each other’s DC and for my parents, who buy for us – but no sibling gifts or extended family. My parents might ask for ideas of what to get me or my DP but it’s more in the “broad range” category, ie cookbooks rather than a specific cookbook. There’s some sibling group chat to make sure we don’t double up on niece/nephew ideas as they’re all of similar ages so liable to get similar ideas.

Then in DP’s family they prefer to be given a specific link to an item that they send direct to him to wrap for himself or for the DC; distinctly unmagical!

Don’t think there’s a right or a wrong way but your MIL’s way would drive me bats. Just refuse to play along.

Blip · 04/12/2022 18:32

Our family swap wish lists. It saves getting presents that you don't want so I really like it.

spiderontheceiling · 04/12/2022 18:34

In our family it's entirely normal to send links to the exact item you want or even to buy it yourself and then say what it cost and that amount or a contribution will land in your bank account a few hours later. On other occasions, it might be a bit vaguer like "silver dangly earrings" but still pretty specific!
It means there are no surprises but we've all got quite different tastes so it's good to get something you actually want.

poorlybubbas · 04/12/2022 18:34

My MIL writes a list too. It really irritates me for some reason!
Usually with name of item, price and where you can buy it from.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 04/12/2022 18:34

We do wish lists in our (lower middle class) family. The branches are geographically distant so we don't really know what each other has. We arent dogmatic, we can deviate from the list. Lists contain various price points and if there's a big item we only ask for contributions (and sometimes others join up to buy as a joint present). I like lists as it increases the chances of getting something I actually want and vice versa.

So I don't think lists are wrong. You need to stand up for yourself:

  • MIL, we're on a budget this year and can't afford anything on your list. Is there anything smaller you would like or shall we surprise you?
  • We only want to do presents to children this year and are happy for you to do the same. Our budget is £xx per child.

Rookie error is to be having this conversation in December. Ideally you'd have had it earlier.

user1471453601 · 04/12/2022 18:45

We do wish lists too. My daughter's partner has a very specific hobby and usually wants things for that. I've bought them things in the past that I couldn't spell of pronounce, so would have no idea of their function.

Similarly I usually ask for face/ body cream, but I've got a v sensitive skin, so have to be quite specific about that. Other things on our lists are much less prescriptive, socks, dressing gown ect.

it's because of what I've said above that we do lists. The other reason is that the youngest of us is 50+ so anything we need, we've got. So the lists are a tad more fanciful,for want of a better word. So, for example, in the past I've asked to be driven around some of the places I grew up in. That was lovely.

Precipice · 04/12/2022 18:46

The lists are normal.

You might want to see what others give you, but other people know from experience that random choices are less likely to work for them. Many people just give whatever without trying to base it on the recipient's interests or likes. It's wasteful to give presents that aren't going to be used. Not only is the present itself wasted, but the person could have had something they would actually have a benefit from.

It's good that she's specific - easier for you to find and going to be something she actually wants and will make use of, rather than a near miss. If MIL wants a book on the French Revolution, she wants to identify that she's after a serious history on the policy of natural frontiers and the Rhineland, to avoid popular history weeping over Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette. If she wants a jumper, she wants to identify that she wants this particular one, with acceptable sizing and material, and not end up with something that she finds scratchy and in a colour not present anywhere in her wardrobe.

Hardbackwriter · 04/12/2022 18:47

I think you're completely reasonable to want to do things differently, completely reasonable to suggest a different way of proceeding to the family, completely unreasonable to do it in early December.

Also if she's a widow (I take it that's what you mean by saying she has all of FIL's money) who sees presents and present giving occasions as really important then I can see why she's keen that she gets something she really wants and I'm quite sympathetic to it.

UsingChangeofName · 04/12/2022 18:47

Of course it’s not normal

Of course it is, for lots of families. Takes all the stress out of trying to work out what people want, and all the waste out of buying things people politely thank you for but will never really use / don't want.

People do things differently

Having lists of suggestions isn't wrong, but choosing not to have lists isn't wrong either.
It is just one of those things that you discover to be different when 2 people with different family traditions get together.

The obvious answer is for your dh to get them something off their lists, and to say you don't have a list and would prefer a surprise. Then continue not to do lists for your side of the family.

Regarding you thinking it is too many presents to buy, then have that discussion with people after Christmas, or by the Summer next year, and say you'd prefer not to get presents for adults and either draw the line there or compromise with some sort of Secret Santa format. Bit late now for this year as many will have got their presents.

Of course, that will have to be with your dh on board - if he wants to continue, with his family, then his opinion / feelings are as valid as yours.

Beautiful3 · 04/12/2022 18:48

Just do what we did. Explain in November that, "Due to finances, we will only be buying presents for the children. Please do not buy us any present." We did this a few years ago, it's been the best thing ever. We're so happy.

soundsystem · 04/12/2022 18:49

user1471453601 · 04/12/2022 18:45

We do wish lists too. My daughter's partner has a very specific hobby and usually wants things for that. I've bought them things in the past that I couldn't spell of pronounce, so would have no idea of their function.

Similarly I usually ask for face/ body cream, but I've got a v sensitive skin, so have to be quite specific about that. Other things on our lists are much less prescriptive, socks, dressing gown ect.

it's because of what I've said above that we do lists. The other reason is that the youngest of us is 50+ so anything we need, we've got. So the lists are a tad more fanciful,for want of a better word. So, for example, in the past I've asked to be driven around some of the places I grew up in. That was lovely.

Entirely missing the point of the thread but intrigued by the hobby...

Bobbybobbins · 04/12/2022 18:50

My DH's family used to do this as adults and I hated it. Luckily they don't do it anymore!!

pollyglot · 04/12/2022 18:50

What does "very middle class" mean?

wesayno · 04/12/2022 18:51

YABU. Lists are great. Hints are too vague and lead to disappointment if not outright disaster. Why should anyone have to tolerate ill-thought-out, unwanted tat when they'd rather receive something exactly to their tastes? It also limits excess consumption because at least you know the item will be appreciated, leading to less unnecessary spending and unwanted items ending up in landfill.

Well done to your MIL for knowing her own mind.

Windtunnel · 04/12/2022 18:52

"Hi MIL sorry not doing lists this year" then buy her one of the Goop "smells like my vagina" candles.

GettingStuffed · 04/12/2022 18:53

We send lists mainly because some of them are so hard to please or have niche hobbies which mean they have a lot of stuff to do with it. Also DD usually wants books and she has so many it's hard to know what she has.