MILs Christmas list is too much!

[MyNDfamily]

My MIL has quite a different approach to myself and my own family to Christmas and Birthdays. For example on my birthday this year she insisted on driving in ver with a card and gift for me on my actual birthday, even though we were due to see her in a couple of days. To her it's important that the gift is given that day.

The reason I am posting is Christmas is getting too much. Every year she sends out her own Christmas lift, (usually there will be some quite expensive items that she would like) Then everyone else, myself, DH, BIL, SIL ect are expected to send a list back, to the family. People then select items from the lists of to be buy for each other. The problem is as the family's are growing, getting married, having DCs the amount of people to buy for is huge. I also don't expect anything and would never as an adult be send my own mother such a list. My Mum might ask me if there is something id like. I'd drop a few ideas and leave it at that. The lists are now so specific too, like some of MILs items had serial numbers included.

To me this defeats the object of giving a gift. I was told to be grateful for what I was given as a child. I actually enjoy looking for things for the DC, my parents, DH ect. I like to notice things and try to get something that fits in with them.

MIL is very middle class and I wonder if that plays a role in it. She has all of DFILs none to to spend where as the rest of us don't.

DH thinks it's normal but it's irritating me, we agreed not to get each other presents this year and the DCs are getting 5 gifts each. We don't want to over spend and it's all the plastic waste that we find depressing too. So this is how we would rather do Christmas.

AIBU to want to opt out of the lists? Do other families do this too?

This is how I feel about it. To me it feels like something only children can do. I do understand the point of the lists.

As an earlier post has said, you may as well buy your own gift and wrap it up yourself.

I prefer to pick things out for people myself. I do give them a gift receipt where possible so the item could be changed.

I think I'll suggest the Secret Santa to DH next year though.

I wasn't going to bring it up now for this year. I guess it can be hard to get used to another familys traditions. I was just needing to rant as it's irritating me. The serial number on something seemed to push me over the edge. I've actually given MIL a list last year and she got me something else anyway. 🤣

I think you are either a list family or not, my family is not we buy random crap that is mostly appreciated my brothers in laws are crazy listers that start compiling their lists around July so they can be exchanged in September, and now my parents have joined in their organised ways, nothing is ever a surprise for the family, but I won't buy into it, they all get what I want to buy for them, and their kids tend to love what I get them, it does mean I only ever get vouchers in return as I won't make a list.

Why is it grabby to do lists? Our families do them on both sides.

It's much worse getting presents you don't want that you have to pretend to like.

Candles - I don't use them ... perfume, I'm allergic... smellies, I've worked out what works for me.... clothes, there's a high chance it wouldn't fit ... ornaments, I have different tastes to my family, books, I use my kindle .... etc etc.

I love lists as I can get people what they want.

We do lists, always have, I usually include links so people don’t fuck up and get the wrong colour etc.

So I’m team MIL on this one

But when adults are writing lists, they might as well just dispense with presents altogether and buy the things on the list for themselves when they decide they want them.

It's just unnecessary life admin for the sake of it.

We do lists in our extended families , but if you want to go off list that is not a problem , they are only ideas not orders !

Your mother in law's class has nothing to do with it, it is just how she is. If you don't like it, opt out.

I hate to say it but this year, there’s so much going on with a house move and work that I would pull out my own back teeth with a pair of old pliers and gift them if it meant the entire family would send me a list of what they wanted instead of me trying to find thoughtful Christmas gifts on top of everything else!

But I voted YANBU because any other year, this would drive me completely nuts. SUCH control freakery!

I prefer to pick things out for people myself.

I have a family member who thinks that she know what I would like more than I know what I would like. I have had 40 years + of her wasting money on things I never use.

Eventually I managed to persuade her to stop doing presents - but she was really resistant to this too. It's bizarre, and quite arrogant really to think you know what the recipient wants more than they do.

I do give them a gift receipt where possible so the item could be changed.

But wouldn't it just make more sense to get them the thing they want in the first place ?

i would much prefer to get something genuinely wanted than something that could be wasted. However, I’m also keen on reducing the number of gifts and cost. Secret Santa sounds a good way forward

My MIL ( lower middle class) does lists. It saves waste so I don't mind, DH sorts her out.
She does harass me if she thinks my list is too short, but it comes from a place of love.

hmm. I’m on the fence. Personally I’d love a list from anyone (I’m obligated) to buy for, but that list needs to be given in time for the Black Friday sales, and have options at different price points.

My mother and brother send me a list, though they don’t reciprocate and buy me anything, but as they are mentally/physically unwell I just buy for them and leave them to it.

My mother in law wants gifts but doesn’t do lists, which is a pain as I have no idea what to buy her, her taste is very different to my own. I’ve tried floating that we mutually do no gifts, which she strenuously opposed, but then I’m left buying expensive stuff that I have no idea if she uses it or not, and she buys me weird mainstream fashion items, when I’m bit of niche weirdo when it comes to clothes and a inexpensive cheese selection would be a much better option than her gifts that go straight to the op shop (after I’ve sent a polite thank you card).

However if she sent a list that I couldn’t afford, without any different price point options and Unasked id miffed as you are OP, so I voted YANBU.

We do lists for main presents then very low value “surprises”.

I love getting stuff off a list as you know that the person is getting something they like.

Well you know from last year that you can get her things off the list 😉.

What she is doing is rude and tacky. She is saying her list is superior to yours.

"Off" as in not present on the list.

Just because someone doesn't do something 'your way', it doesn't mean they're doing it 'wrong'.

There are only 6 of us, all adults, and we do lists. We put a range of 6-10 things we'd like from 'dirt cheap' to somewhat pricy (but still affordable) and we buy each other ONE gift based on what we can afford. We don't worry about 'how much' anyone else spends. This way everyone gets something they want and can use and there are no 'returns'.

Then we always add one absolutely ridiculous thing to our lists just for laughs. My 'ridiculous' is a new $300K Bentley Continental (obvs not getting that!). One year I asked for a Citation jet and DS1 wrapped up a little model of one as a gag gift.

Will you email that out to them without being asked when they are grown up with their own DCs?

Will you email that out to them without being asked when they are grown up with their own DCs?

Why not, if that's the way their family normally does it? I mean I wouldn't randomly send my wish list round the family for the first time ever, without some prior introduction. But as our family normally exchange wish lists, no-one would be surprised to receive one.

Basically I feel you're making a big deal out of something that needn't be. Your MIL is nice enough. If budget is an issue you should speak up. Failing all else let your husband deal with his side of the family.

YABU. Surely the reason for giving a gift is because you want the recipient to have something they would like?

Nobody should have to be grateful for a random gift they don’t like.

I'd put out a note to all saying as we are finding Christmas increasingly difficult we will only be able to afford a £10 gift per adult this year

I agree with both of @DisplayPurposesOnly 's posts.

You really seem to be looking for an issue when there doesn't need to be one.
Let your dh but his family something of each of their wish lists, and you spend time hunting for what you think is the perfect surprise for people on your side of the family.
Everyone happy with the shopping experience and everyone happy with what they receive.
If you are struggling budget wise then say so and either ask everyone if they can put a limit on the cost of presents next year, or that you don't do presents next year.
But accept that just because someone does something differently from you, it doesn't make them wrong.

Tell everyone now that you have decided to limit to a fiver, give to charity or make their gifts this year. Then they will expect this and its up to them what they do for you.

We don't do adult gifts at all on one side. Presence not presents. The other side we do a secret santa for adults. One gift with a spend limit.