MILs Christmas list is too much!

[MyNDfamily]

My MIL has quite a different approach to myself and my own family to Christmas and Birthdays. For example on my birthday this year she insisted on driving in ver with a card and gift for me on my actual birthday, even though we were due to see her in a couple of days. To her it's important that the gift is given that day.

The reason I am posting is Christmas is getting too much. Every year she sends out her own Christmas lift, (usually there will be some quite expensive items that she would like) Then everyone else, myself, DH, BIL, SIL ect are expected to send a list back, to the family. People then select items from the lists of to be buy for each other. The problem is as the family's are growing, getting married, having DCs the amount of people to buy for is huge. I also don't expect anything and would never as an adult be send my own mother such a list. My Mum might ask me if there is something id like. I'd drop a few ideas and leave it at that. The lists are now so specific too, like some of MILs items had serial numbers included.

To me this defeats the object of giving a gift. I was told to be grateful for what I was given as a child. I actually enjoy looking for things for the DC, my parents, DH ect. I like to notice things and try to get something that fits in with them.

MIL is very middle class and I wonder if that plays a role in it. She has all of DFILs none to to spend where as the rest of us don't.

DH thinks it's normal but it's irritating me, we agreed not to get each other presents this year and the DCs are getting 5 gifts each. We don't want to over spend and it's all the plastic waste that we find depressing too. So this is how we would rather do Christmas.

AIBU to want to opt out of the lists? Do other families do this too?

We’ve always done lists in our family. The reality is that I’m definitely going to be exchanging gifts with DH. I’d much rather get him the obscure whiskey he fancies trying, or retro watch, or niche gaming thing I’ve never heard of. It saves cash and time and means he’s happy on Christmas Day. Likewise, he wouldn’t know I’m converting an oodie and ‘Cocktail Classics’ Jelly Belly’s, unless I spell it out.

DMIL would like to upgrade the current old ice cream container she has in the kitchen for vegetable peelings and tea bags, with a purpose made ‘compost caddy’. I didn’t know such a thing existed and I’d never have thought of it - but it will look great and I’m pleased to be able to give her something she will use and enjoy.

Her husband is alive/around or am I reading that wrong? If so why can't he get her gifts she really wants.

No, you're not being unreasonable. I buy adults in my family a token gift, and I get some rubbish of them, especially MIL who gets me something awful each year that ends up going on an auction site. They might think what I get them is awful too, though I generally stick to gifting them booze, etc which they all like. I'm alone so have to buy several couples gifts and their children, whereas I obviously get one from each. MIL gives her children and their partners money, fair enough, I'm her daughter in law, not daughter.

It would not be unreasonable to opt out. Having said this, I doubt that will happen in my family any time soon. As adults, all things no one wants or needs.

Real ‘middle’ class people would never do this.

We are working class and often do lists well my mum does to give us ideas etc
Doesn't get everything off it though but means you get things you want / need rather than 10
Smelly candles

No presents for adults (except spouses) in my working class family. On DH’s side - middle class - , there are requests for specific presents even though we barely see them. They sometimes drive up to ours just to collect presents, it seems.

Opt out

MIL surely it's a DH problem??

Wish lists in our family apart from my Dad who is a pain to buy for. I wish he had a wish list.
I really CBA to work out what people want. Miserable? Probably.

Similarly it's a waste of money to get something, somebody doesn't want. Whatever the amount.

I wouldn't put anything expensive on the list, everything is just a few pounds (under a tenner). And there's no obligation to buy from my list.

MIL does sound slightly entitled. But I don't think she's wrong for having a list. She could wait till you ask for it though rather than handing it out.

I hate it. What’s the point in all choosing your own gifts? You might as well all go out and buy what you’d like for yourselves.
Tell her you want a Christmas if surprises and won’t be giving or receiving lists - end of.

my mother organised Secret Santa, fucked up almightily and gave everyone their own name. And obviously it being a secret everyone assumed they were the only one to have had it happen, so kept schtum. It became clear pretty quickly on the day as everyone’s acting was so terrible, and the presents were so perfectly what people wanted. Everyone thrilled: except my aunt who was absolutely spitting feathers because the concept had been RUINED and it wasn’t in the Christmas SPIRIT. Still one of my favourite christmases ever

@stuntbubbles that's very funny !

When you have people who refuse to accept you saying “please don’t get me anything” and give you things that you would never want or ask for, it’s better to give them a list of choices. Usually pick something easily affordable (under £10) and easy to get. I’m happy with a snack pack of ferrer rocher (sp?) over a gift set. Only time of year I really eat and enjoy chocolate.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you mention getting used to other families traditions.

My family was not a list family but my DH’s family was. My family did fun gifts his family practical ones. I felt it was weird to ask for specific things (kind grabby) and they thought is was perfectly fine. There is really nothing wrong with either system…it’s just different.

can’t say I got used to it, but he went NC with them for unrelated reasons so luckily that all just sort of stopped naturally.

@MyNDfamily what is the price range of the gifts on the list? I think quite a few of us are wondering 😉

Keep the door locked! Until MN I'd never come across this very specific demands practice, someone may mention something and you'd bank the idea but things were never expensive. Now we do a Secret Santa for the adults it's such a relief.

I agree it is rude and presumptuous. Fair enough if someone asks you what you want you can tell them but not an unsolicited list. You wait to be asked - how does she know she won't get 2 of the things? Waiting til you are asked also means you tailor the thing you ask for to the person that's asking whether that be price or where it comes from (so you wouldn't ask someone without access to the internet to get you something that is only online or someone elderly to traipse miles to a shop).

Quite right!
you’re not her personal shopper, I think it’s defeats the point the gift giving if the giver isn't allowed to put in any thought or make it personal. It sounds very transactional.

This sounds mad - all this pressure to make people over spend at Christmas and then spend the net year trying to pay for it. I would have thought people would have been a bit more sensible and sensitive this year due to the cost of living crisis.
tell her outright you cannot afford all this you will be buying presents for a limited number of people and they will be small gifts because that is what you can afford and you won't be going into debt. say you are happy to receive a small gift or no gift in return.

Asking for suggestions and receiving them is fine, sending out huge expensive lists to all and sundry is not, it is not middle class it is not normal it is just your MIL's thing.
I asked my grown up kids for suggestions as to what they want this year - my DD said 'a pack of m and s pants' my son and DDIL said ' something edible, - chocolate or nice crackers' they all know I am on a budget and make reasonable suggestions.
Don't spend more than you can afford (this is a general announcement!)

Personally I would much prefer to give something that was wanted/needed, or to receive something I wanted/needed. Therefore a verbal or written list works out just fine even if it is not stuck to as it gives an indication of the sort of thing the recipient would like and use.

It can be really hard work trying to decide what to get someone especially if there are no clues. Given everyone always appear to be so busy, I would have thought that a list would have been gratefully received.

The relief of opting out of gift giving is fabulous. After 34 years of buying gifts I told my family I will only be buying myself presents this year. I'll still do birthdays but NO more Christmas. It's just got too much. Do what's best for you.

Until MN I'd never come across this very specific demands practice,

I've never come across a "specific demands practice" either. What an odd turn of phrase.
Our family have always written wish lists, but they are just that - suggestions for people, so that people then know what you would actually like / enjoy / or even need, and it makes it easy for the people who want to buy you a present to know they are getting something you actually want and they aren't wasting their money.

@AmyDudley yes agree I usually ask especially close family. Happy with vague response e.g "a good book" but specific requests tend to be very close family as it is quite frowned on by older people I think? Seems greedy to them imo.

This is my issue, the specific demands. I am not against a wish list. The serial numbers and things just seem bad manners to me. I would not send it to inlaws, only my own Mum on DH I may do this with if they had actually asked me to.

"DFIL's money"? Why is it his money?

The list is something else though, we have serial numbers and cut and paste item descriptions. Clues are one thing, exact items is too much.

The items are all branded at the higher end of the price range.

There is a £50.00 bread bin, and then other overpriced items from the same brand.

As an adult I just wouldn't do it. Thats just me though.

She has all of DFILs none to to spend where as the rest of us don't.

Why would you have DFIL’s money?

Around £50 per item. Perfume and Joseph Kitchen ware for example.