MILs Christmas list is too much!

[MyNDfamily]

My MIL has quite a different approach to myself and my own family to Christmas and Birthdays. For example on my birthday this year she insisted on driving in ver with a card and gift for me on my actual birthday, even though we were due to see her in a couple of days. To her it's important that the gift is given that day.

The reason I am posting is Christmas is getting too much. Every year she sends out her own Christmas lift, (usually there will be some quite expensive items that she would like) Then everyone else, myself, DH, BIL, SIL ect are expected to send a list back, to the family. People then select items from the lists of to be buy for each other. The problem is as the family's are growing, getting married, having DCs the amount of people to buy for is huge. I also don't expect anything and would never as an adult be send my own mother such a list. My Mum might ask me if there is something id like. I'd drop a few ideas and leave it at that. The lists are now so specific too, like some of MILs items had serial numbers included.

To me this defeats the object of giving a gift. I was told to be grateful for what I was given as a child. I actually enjoy looking for things for the DC, my parents, DH ect. I like to notice things and try to get something that fits in with them.

MIL is very middle class and I wonder if that plays a role in it. She has all of DFILs none to to spend where as the rest of us don't.

DH thinks it's normal but it's irritating me, we agreed not to get each other presents this year and the DCs are getting 5 gifts each. We don't want to over spend and it's all the plastic waste that we find depressing too. So this is how we would rather do Christmas.

AIBU to want to opt out of the lists? Do other families do this too?

Grown ups having Christmas lists? Really? With serial numbers and prices? Yikes - some serious emotional immaturity going on there I think. If anyone asks me what i’d like I say bubble bath or chocolate- I’m an independent adult. I buy myself anything I need or want.
But, I should disclose that I didn’t have a wedding list either because it made me uncomfortable. If anyone wanted to give us a gift I asked for donations to a charity. So maybe it’s me.

As one of 7 siblings we originally got everyone a gift, brothers, sisters in law neices nephews etc but as the family steadily got bigger the gifts have diminished. We stopped buying for adults a long time ago then recently we have gone down to just buying for our own son and ourselves. Rest of the family do the same it's easier. Instead we do things like make a Christmas cake for mum and things like that as long as we are together for Christmas it doesn't matter

It's a good way of only getting what you want and not a load of stuff you will never use. I don't buy for any adults apart from parents from both sides

We do a secret Santa for the adults, we use an app, the organiser puts in all the names and you can add who you don’t want to match to each other eg partners/spouses not getting each other. Then after the app has done the matching it emails each person advising who they have to buy for and a link to their Amazon wish list.

we don’t always buy something from the wish list but it gives an idea of the things they would like. We set a limit, this year it is £40.

We buy a present for every child under 18 and then everyone over 18 goes in a secret Santa type draw.

@MyNDfamily
i get where you are coming from as that’s how my family have done… but when I spoke to my husband after moaning about it for yrs… realised that just because I don’t agree doesn’t make it wrong or stupid or however you feel. It’s how they do it and I decided to meet 1/2 way as others have said. I do find lists clinical but also see that its how they like to do Xmas and so we now have a less stressful Xmas and as others have suggested if gift list is too expensive I either club together or get vouchers for the store. And yes vouchers aren’t everyone’s choice but it’s that or a gift I can afford. Hope you end up getting it sorted and enjoy Xmas xxx

We decided several years ago not to post/send presents to extended family as my DH has lots of siblings and dozens of nieces/nephews and it becomes ridiculous. MIL is in a care home and we club together to send her a stocking with presents we've chosen based on hints she's given. If you're family or friends and you're staying with us over Christmas, you get a stocking (as do we, and our kids, they're definitely the best thing) and a tree present. If we're seeing you before Christmas or between Christmas and New Year, we'll bring you a nice bottle of fizz, but not presents, and we wouldn't expect them either. Works for us.

Must say my side of the family are very big spenders on gifts and do give out lists and compile Amazon wish lists too. We also buy things we think each other likes and give great thought into what we give each other (on or off list!).

My husbands side set a budget around £50 a couple and they end up just buying me shit I don’t want in all honesty. I’d rather they didn’t bother or gave me cash or a voucher instead. fortunately as my side is good with the gifting I get what I want, even if it is a 99p present!! Therefore if someone is specific you can’t get it wrong, nothing worse than saying I’d love a green scarf and they think oh no you should have maroon instead.

Ultimately it’s each to their own and if you don’t want to participate or feel constrained by the list then just be honest with her or even leave it to your husband to sort it out! I mean mustn’t be too difficult with serial numbers x

My family and I do something similar. We have a very large family.
However, we do a secret santa so everyone just gets one present (minus kids), we set a budget and send a few things that we might like within that budget. Some are very explicit, some just throw some ideas out. It's still a surprise as no one knows what they're getting from the list, it's all within agreed budget and everyone gets a present.

Everyone's different I suppose. We do lists in in my family. I would much rather spend my money on something the person wants, likes and/or needs than choose something myself that they either already have or don't like/need. We don't provide serial numbers and prices mind you but we do set a price limit. With a list, your still choosing for the person but choosing something that you know they definitely like, want and will use - money well spent in other words.

In regards to buying for everyone, we buy for all the kids but do a secret santa with a £50 limit for adults.

Does your DH think in these current times you can both afford to buy the kind of items she has on her list? Seems ridiculous to be so specific and very presumptuous. If she wants an item so much and she's load then she might as well buy it herself.

Your mother in law wants plastic tat? Surely not

I wouldn’t dream of this. When my dc ask what l want for Xmas l just say buy something for yourself instead.

She sounds greedy.

I really don't get the whole buying a gift for everyone you know thing. Other than my own DC I buy for DM, DH, MIL, FIL, DNeice (DNephew turned 18 and therefore aged out this year); We don't really see their parents (DHs sister) and we stopped giving them gifts years ago; and a friend who likes to exchange gifts, which I could live without doing so but that's another story. I can't imagine having or wanting to buy for more people than that.

YANBU a specific list is too much especially if it has expensive things.

I get someone saying is there anything you would like I get asked that by family but would always come back with something like scented candle or gin (specifically pointing out just a normal gordons or something - nothing expensive or it’s a waste on me 😂) those are general things you can’t go wrong with me.

though a running joke in my family is that every year I ask my dad for quality streets and he unintentionally gets another type of chocolate EVERY SINGLE YEAR..so maybe I’m missing a trick 😂 x

My family also do a Secret Santa for the adults. We buy for the children though. The adults (doing the Secret Santa) will do a wishlist, so that people can get an idea of what each person would like, and there's a spending limit on gifts. For the kids, we do ask what the kids would like.

This.

Or tell your mil to f**k off.

your Xmas sounds stressful.

Am I the only one that thinks lists are incredibly grabby and presumptuous??

I'll never do a list and assume people are buying for me, when I'm asked what I'd like I always say first that they don't have to buy me anything. If they ask again I might suggest something but often there's nothing I'm coveting.

Hate wedding lists too

How lovely it must be to live in a world where you already have everything you need and can just afford to buy what you want whenever you want it.

Not everyone does.

She has a Christmas List? Is she a child?!
We don't do presents for the adults because a)who in this day and age needs or wants more crap? and b) it makes it way too pricey. We just have a nice meal, a few drinks and crack on with life. Your MIL sounds like a nutjob.

I don’t get the impression that these lists will contain many needed items. I wouldn’t have a problem with that - what would you like? Well I really need a new…..that’s fine. But writing a list per se is a pretty naff thing for adults to do.
I do have pretty much all I want and need, but that’s because I don’t want or need much. I’m a very cheap date.

But if you can't afford to buy yourself things, that's even more reason to not get into a gift giving cycle with other adults.

It's rare that anyone ends up 'ahead' in the whole process, as in the value of the items they receive is worth more than the money they spent buying for other people (because if you're looking for an exact item, near Christmas, you probably can't take advantage of sales, you have to buy wrapping paper etc) so you'd be even more better off by just saving your own money to buy your own things when you identify a need and see something at the best price.

OMG, ex husband’s mother was obsessed with lists. Went totally against my values and those of my family / upbringing - don’t ask for gifts.
went on for years, I always refused, husband kept asking, I refused, husband asked again. Eventually I would create a list of crap I had no real interest in, to stop the noise. Hate this idea of Christmas and birthday lists. Awful…

Lists make sense so nobody gets a gift they really hate but it’s fine not to want to be involved with it. Just say due to finances you’ll have to opt out and leave it at that.

Im sure someone else has already said this, but ive not read all the replies.
Why not suggest only buy children or set a limit.