MILs Christmas list is too much!

[MyNDfamily]

My MIL has quite a different approach to myself and my own family to Christmas and Birthdays. For example on my birthday this year she insisted on driving in ver with a card and gift for me on my actual birthday, even though we were due to see her in a couple of days. To her it's important that the gift is given that day.

The reason I am posting is Christmas is getting too much. Every year she sends out her own Christmas lift, (usually there will be some quite expensive items that she would like) Then everyone else, myself, DH, BIL, SIL ect are expected to send a list back, to the family. People then select items from the lists of to be buy for each other. The problem is as the family's are growing, getting married, having DCs the amount of people to buy for is huge. I also don't expect anything and would never as an adult be send my own mother such a list. My Mum might ask me if there is something id like. I'd drop a few ideas and leave it at that. The lists are now so specific too, like some of MILs items had serial numbers included.

To me this defeats the object of giving a gift. I was told to be grateful for what I was given as a child. I actually enjoy looking for things for the DC, my parents, DH ect. I like to notice things and try to get something that fits in with them.

MIL is very middle class and I wonder if that plays a role in it. She has all of DFILs none to to spend where as the rest of us don't.

DH thinks it's normal but it's irritating me, we agreed not to get each other presents this year and the DCs are getting 5 gifts each. We don't want to over spend and it's all the plastic waste that we find depressing too. So this is how we would rather do Christmas.

AIBU to want to opt out of the lists? Do other families do this too?

We don't buy for adults in both sides of the family, it stops once you hit 20.
Up until then, the children/teens will do a wishlist.

No one has ever complained and we don't know any different.

With our own children though, we follow

1. Something they want
2. Something they need
3. Something to wear
4. Something to read

and the thing your child really wants.

Opt out, just explain.

A couple of years ago we agreed as a family we would just buy for the kids and no adults. So much better!!

We have lists, and both DH and my family have always done lists. Saves getting lots of tat people don't want which is so wasteful.
I don't think it's a middle class thing, we both grew up in families where there wasnt much disposable income so it has always seemed important to get stuff people want with it. Presents are usually max £20 and no one would put something much more than that on the list. Some things are vague eg nice smellies, others specific eg a book title.
Even if you could buy it yourself it's nice to exchange and unwrap, no?
I also feel like I couldn't go out and buy myself a luxury like fancy shower gel or posh chocolate - but I can put it on my list or buy it for someone else!

I'm going against the grain a bit here but my immediate family (DM, DB, DH and I) do it to a certain extent ie here's a link to this particular jumper I would like and size, or in my mum's case anything in a particular fragrance from the White Company and always one of the Winter candles - not because we expect loads of expensive gifts but just because we don't really need anything particularly so seems a bit pointless to spend money getting each other stuff that might not quite be right and we don't really need. We still wrap the presents up and stocking fillers are complete surprises generally but it works for us - means people get what they actually would like, not more just 'stuff'.

Also when my dear grandma was still alive she was of the view she knew what a teenage girl / young woman would like, but not a young man so would buy something for me and send money to my parents to get my DB's gift. In reality that meant my DB got exactly what he wanted and I got rose-scented smellies that I would never use. There's a tendency for this to continue with my DMIL. So my DH gets something he would specifically like from my DM, and I....seem to just be continuing the tradition of getting stuff I don't like and will never use. So personally I'm all for swapping quite specific wish lists.

What's wrong with speaking properly and having manners? Doesn't make you middle class.

We've always done lists of various prices because we can't afford to buy stuff people don't want.

Having said that, we mostly spend on the children with smaller amounts on the adults.

The issue is that the lists should have a range of prices to suit all budgets

We swap wish lists among ourselves ( me and five adult DCs).

We used to do a secret Santa thing with the ex BILs, SILs and ILs - no wish lists, and shopping for them was was always hit or miss, ditto what we received.

There was also a secret Santa among all the cousins. Each one got another cousin to buy for. No lists again, but it was easy to phone and ask what specific children might like.

I'd suggest a secret Santa if I were you, and there's nothing wrong with a reasonable wish list for adults.

The list is something else though, we have serial numbers and cut and paste item descriptions. Clues are one thing, exact items is too much.

See, I LOVE someone being that specific. A couple of clicks and it can be bought without me moving from my chair. With the real bonus of me knowing I've got it right / it is exactly what they want.
Something like "A new top" is no help to me at all - what size / what material / what style? etc still needs lots of work from me and then I am still unlikely to have the same taste / get it quite right.
Or as someone said earlier "A good book" - wtf ? How do I know what you consider to be good and how do I know what you have already read ?

I LOVE a list with links.

The items are all branded at the higher end of the price range.
There is a £50.00 bread bin, and then other overpriced items from the same brand.

That is a different issue though. We've all (both sides of family) had an agreed amount we spend (give or take)

As an adult I just wouldn't do it. Thats just me though.

Well, from this thread, it isn't just you. However, the point is, (also evidenced by this thread) it does suit a lot of people. Neither are wrong. it is just different

Solution:

You sort out presents for your side of family

DH sorts out presents for his side of family

You and your DH do what you want for each other and your mutual DCs

We do lists for the kids but we don't buy for adults. If we see each other we may get a little tree present or something, but it's not expected. We stop buying for nieces and nephews when they reach a certain age, too.

I personally feel all this buying for adults is ridiculous. If we want stuff we buy it during the year. If we haven't, we don't want it that much. Presents are for children, and then having a list is a good idea - but it shouldn't stop people buying surprises too.....

My husband’s family used to do this. It was to stop us all getting junk that we didn’t want and that we’d just give away after Christmas. It took the romance out of present buying though!

DH and I stopped taking part a few years ago and just buy for the kids in the family and vice versa. Again from a list though. Feels like a pointless money swap. But the kids love it. __

My ILs used to be like this, with exact codes written down. With most we now just buy for the children, but obviously parents still need buying for to keep it fair.

My MIL is really annoying though, she started buying her own present unprompted and then giving to DH with a gift bag and telling him he owed her eg £20. He then had to present it to her at a later date, in the pre-ordained packaging. Appreciate she was trying to be helpful but it just feels quite grabby and unnecessary as she is well off.

Now, she doesn't bother giving him the items first, just tells him he owes her x£.

Entirely depends on the personalities involved.

ExBIL got into lists after getting engaged and his fiancee introduced him to wedding lists His Xmas list was very specific (shop/price etc) and always more than anyone planned on spending. You were expected to mark up the list with what you were buying and pass it on to the next mug person. Major strop if anyone went rogue and did their own thing regardless of circumstances or thought that had gone into it.

Other side of family decided that everyone buying for everyone else was getting ridiculous and very unfair on the single adults. So under 18s got presents as before but £50 secret santa for the adults. You put your name and 3 gift suggestions on a card and then at a family get together in November you draw a card from a hat. Some people are specific, some generic some just say surprise me. Works really well.

Yes I agree with this. Secret Santa might help us all out. It's the coat that caused the stress. I found the lists irritating in the past, but trying to budget more recently so the expensive gift list isnt really possible for my family at the moment.