MILs Christmas list is too much!

[MyNDfamily]

My MIL has quite a different approach to myself and my own family to Christmas and Birthdays. For example on my birthday this year she insisted on driving in ver with a card and gift for me on my actual birthday, even though we were due to see her in a couple of days. To her it's important that the gift is given that day.

The reason I am posting is Christmas is getting too much. Every year she sends out her own Christmas lift, (usually there will be some quite expensive items that she would like) Then everyone else, myself, DH, BIL, SIL ect are expected to send a list back, to the family. People then select items from the lists of to be buy for each other. The problem is as the family's are growing, getting married, having DCs the amount of people to buy for is huge. I also don't expect anything and would never as an adult be send my own mother such a list. My Mum might ask me if there is something id like. I'd drop a few ideas and leave it at that. The lists are now so specific too, like some of MILs items had serial numbers included.

To me this defeats the object of giving a gift. I was told to be grateful for what I was given as a child. I actually enjoy looking for things for the DC, my parents, DH ect. I like to notice things and try to get something that fits in with them.

MIL is very middle class and I wonder if that plays a role in it. She has all of DFILs none to to spend where as the rest of us don't.

DH thinks it's normal but it's irritating me, we agreed not to get each other presents this year and the DCs are getting 5 gifts each. We don't want to over spend and it's all the plastic waste that we find depressing too. So this is how we would rather do Christmas.

AIBU to want to opt out of the lists? Do other families do this too?

If she is a widow, and single, then I also think you should cross 'only buying for children' off your list of suggestions. Secret Santa would be ok as she'd then still get something.

We've always done lists. Saves waste, disappointment and panic buying. I'm a ninja level shopper so I often chuck in santa bits too but people like eg my brother who has no shopping ability whatsoever can still produce a decent gift, as he knows exactly what to get.

We just do gifts for kids, takes out a heap of work tbh and I have far fewer candles and dodgy looking cardigans (and I like candles). On principle though I think lists are a good thing as long as no-ones asking for ridiculous amounts to be spent. I think there should just be a budget that everyone has to stick to with their list. I absolutely have stuff that had never been used and went to charity which I doubt was the intention of the gift giver (no doubt some stuff I’ve given has ended the same way).

That's not a middle class thing, it's a grabby thing. It's like when you're a kid, circling everything in the Argos catalogue and marker-ing the item number but she hasn't grown out of it 😂

We've opted out of xmas gifts for the past number of years. I buy presents for my nieces when I see them. I host my in laws for all sorts of holidays and have been the home from home for them for decades now - I don't think I need to buy them an aftershave set too. My kids are young adults and have what they need (lucky them). Last time I was home, I bought some fabulous meals from a wonderful deli for MIL and stocked her freezer with them. If I see a book I know she'll like I give it to her. I see no reason to send her home a cashmere jumper she may or may not like.

We do santa stockings with tiny stuff/jokes/books on xmas morning for anyone who is in the house - for the tradition and that is that. I can't tell you how much nicer our christmasses have been since we just opted out.

I just don't get the idea that I spend 20 on you from something on your list and you spend 20 on me from something on my list. Couldn't you just cut out the middle man?

Lists are a bit control feak/anal imo. Sorry.

But each to their own The issue arises when someone's "own" hits someone else's.

Personally I try and avoid the waste thing by giving edible stuff, books, vouchers or fancy ethical smellies.

I try to put some thought into it but I am sure I don't always hit the mark but hey that's part of Christmas.

Same here. Wish lists all round in our family.

Same. Plus, since we live far away and only see nieces and nephews 3-4 times a year, we know what to get them and know it’s okayed by the parents vs having to figure out what they are into, is it age-appropriate, and if they’ll actually like it.

They don’t know if they will receive everything they’ve asked for for Christmas so it is still a surprise to them.

I rather not waste time and money buying an unwanted/unsuitable gift.

Oh OP, my Mother made a huge fuss every birthday and Xmas about giving me her card on the day.

It took me years to realise it was just one of many tactics to dominate my life and place herself as a VIP.

I am no contact with her now. Massive relief.

I don't get it, the list thing. If you're writing a list and swapping lists you know what you want to go and buy your own thing and save a load of hassle. My mates and I used to exchange £25 vouchers, literally no point in it, sacked it off and go out for a meal together instead. Haven't done adult Christmas presents for years.

Lists are brilliant! We always did them (no longer buy xmas presents) and it saved so much time trying to figure out what to get and nothing goes to waste as we get stuff we want. The items were sometimes very specific but sometimes it could be something like a 1000 pieces jigsaw or nice quality chocolate.

Also middle class but I don’t think it’s a class thing. Just quite smart from an energy, financial and environmental aspect.

My MIL used to do this, she wouldn’t put expensive stuff on for herself but she’d be I charge of all the lists. I opted out as soon as I got married and just bought for parents, DH and DC.
That was nearly 30 years ago and I’ve never looked back.

'Just do what we did. Explain in November that, "Due to finances, we will only be buying presents for the children. Please do not buy us any present." We did this a few years ago, it's been the best thing ever. We're so happy.'

If that person buys for your dc and they don't have dc, wouldn't you buy for them though? We buy for our children's grandparents because they buy for our dc. I'd feel terrible to give them nothing.

I don't agree with lists though and find it childish, and as another poster said, this should be directed to the North Pole. A relative we are now NC with used to do lists because everyone has to get something they "WANT." He would sulk and give gifts back to you if they didnt meet his approval. He was the most greedy childish and self absorbed man I have ever met.

We just do a not v secret santa where we buy for one adult each, max £50. As my 3 siblings and I have 10 children between us the spending had got a bit out of hand. My stepmother can be a bit like that and does often send present requests which I find a bit odd - shouldn't you wait to be asked?@

Gilets, Hunters wellies, shoulder length blonde highlighted hair? 🤷‍♀️

My DF had a brilliant suggestion on how to deal with gifts for adults.

Set a budget. Everyone then goes out and buys what they want at that budget. They take it home, wrap it. On Christmas morning they can then open it and say 'thank you everyone, it's exactly what I want'.

No one has spent too much or too little. Everyone has got what they want.

We make suggestions but I think your MIL is out of order

Yanbu

We send lists. Because that way you get something that you want/will use. It can be specific like a named book or this exact jumper in size 12, or general like 'I enjoy reading, eating chocolate and drinking gin'
But we do secret Santa. So you're only buying for one person, and the limit is therefore slightly higher than if you were buying for all. Children get a present from each auntie though.

I swap lists with my family but everyone is very reasonable and there are always a variety of gifts at sensible prices. I like it as it reduces waste and I know the gifts will be loved and used.

I honestly can’t see the point of acting as a personal shopper for grown arse adults. My FIL would write a list and I find it bizarre, he’s rich and nearly 80.

We use amazon wish lists for kids, just to save on buying duplicates etc, but wouldn't for adults!!

Sending a list is just getting a personal shopper.

If the person doesn't know you well enough to rely on their own choice for your present, why are they buying for you? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Oh, and I like giving and opening gifts on Christmas like a lot of people, so that is why we still exchange gifts rather than not bothering at all. I'm often excited to recieve things that I know I'll love but may not have treated myself to.

Another vote for secret santa for adult family members. We do a list each to a set value and you buy what you want from that list (or something similar).
Reduces the amount of crap you either receive or end up buying. Reduces stress. Reduces costs (if that's important, which it is to us as we just couldn't afford it anymore).

We do all adults in a hat and draw names. Then you buy that one adult something nice for £50. Yep, they can send a list. It gets wrapped and goes under their tree.

We still all buy for the children. TBH, the MIL list would piss me off too.