Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect the teacher to apologise to my dd?

260 replies

buckeejit · 04/12/2022 10:06

Dd is 9 & was delighted to come home last week & tell us she was Mary in the school play. She was getting to slap someone in the play. How exciting.

She's been diagnosed with a chronic illness this year and not remotely sporty so not used to winning things normally.

She then came home a few days later quite down & spent some time in her room. She's quite sensitive & wouldn't say what was wrong. Later she came down & said now she wasn't Mary she was an angel instead.

Apparently, someone in the other class said they had a Mary costume so the other teacher said that girl could be Mary. DD's teacher asked dd if that was ok & said she didn't have to be an angel, but dd said 'ok, that's fine' as she thinks she has to be kind & isn't one to make a fuss.

I complained to DD's teacher, (she's a NQT covering for this year & I imagine finding this year quite full on). I said dd should never have been put in that position to decide & it wasn't fair. Queried if I had missed part of the story. She replied that she agreed with everything I'd said & the other teacher overruled her & pushed on with giving Mary to the other girl in his class. I asked her to pass my comments on to him & she said she would as she was also annoyed about it. DD's teacher was supposed to in charge of the drama & other teacher was in charge of singing. Other teacher is really nice & much loved by the pupils. I'm surprised at this.

I understand people make mistakes & see this as a bad decision. I think other teacher owes my dd an apology. I'm hoping he realises this himself & speaks to her this week. If not, am I unreasonable to speak to him & request that he does so? I think it's very important to show dc that we are accountable for our mistakes & that adults should apologise when thy make an error? What would you do?

OP posts:
wibdib · 04/12/2022 16:16

I'd be intrigued to know what they would have done if the other girls said they had a may costume at home - or indeed if one of the boys said they had one and wanted to be Mary...

I would also be annoyed with the teacher for putting the question onto DD, so they can turn around and say 'but she said she didn't mind' because that's a rotten psychological thing to put on your dd and they should know better. Because the thing is, even if adults do make 100s of decisions a day, casting Mary is not a simple, one of a 100 identical decisions - even if Mary is a non-speaking role. Taking the role of Mary from one child and giving it to another is an actively bad decision - doubly so if the only reason given is that the other girl has a costume.

Mummyof4Ireland · 04/12/2022 16:23

I was one of the maids a milking in the 12 days of Christmas until a stuck up b*tch returned from a holiday and decided she wanted to be one and I was recast as a donkey...am I bitter nearly 40 yrs later no I'm not I swear im not 🤥 🙈🙈🤣🤣

SemiDetachedKittenAsylum · 04/12/2022 16:29

I can’t imagine many children, when asked “You don’t mind, do you?”, saying yes. Mine wouldn’t.

OP, I’m mentally designing an awesome costume, with feathered wire sculpted wings, bordered by battery operated twinkly lights….

Also, why is it ok to disappoint your DD, but now the other girl can’t possibly have the role rescinded? 😒

Teacher needs to apologise and explain himself.

wibdib · 04/12/2022 16:29

I'd also be tempted to make DD a fabulous angel costume with as much tinsel and as many fairy lights etc as she wants, but but wearing a nice blue Mary-like robe as the starting point, and if they say anything, just say that DD was so thrilled to have been cast as Mary and you knew she would do such a great job that you'd got her the dress ready when they took the role and gave it to someone else just because they had a dress too. But as you know how much store they place in costumes that kids already have, you're sure they won't mind DD wearing her outfit too, seeing as they have already upset her once by taking her part off her - and not to dare say anything to dd about it.

RhubarbStrawberry · 04/12/2022 16:36

If the school does a Joseph and his Dream Coat production I bet the new Mary's brother will have a Joseph costume.

MillicentMold · 04/12/2022 16:38

wibdib · 04/12/2022 16:29

I'd also be tempted to make DD a fabulous angel costume with as much tinsel and as many fairy lights etc as she wants, but but wearing a nice blue Mary-like robe as the starting point, and if they say anything, just say that DD was so thrilled to have been cast as Mary and you knew she would do such a great job that you'd got her the dress ready when they took the role and gave it to someone else just because they had a dress too. But as you know how much store they place in costumes that kids already have, you're sure they won't mind DD wearing her outfit too, seeing as they have already upset her once by taking her part off her - and not to dare say anything to dd about it.

Great! How to make your child stand out amongst her peer group eh! Your poor dd 😢

The Primary School Nativity isn’t a competition for ”best dress” FFS! 😵‍💫

It’s best for your child to have a costume that blends in with those worn by their peers so they can fit in rather than be ostracised for being “different”.

Bakergram · 04/12/2022 16:38

The most unreasonable part of this story is that Mary slaps somebody in a school play.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/12/2022 16:44

Something similar happened to my dc, he was ill for 2 weeks and lost his main part in the Christmas play.Yhese things happen, he lived!

That is not actually similar at all. Totally reasonable to give someone else the part when the original child is absent for 2 weeks.

pairofrollerskates · 04/12/2022 16:45

This is one of the reasons it is such a hard job being a teacher. You're making this into a bigger thing than it needs to be, and you are adding to your DD's upset. Ok, it wasn't good, but it's done. Get over it, and help your DD get over it too. Believe me, I'm willing to bet teacher is feeling awful about it, too - it was other teacher who made the call.

dollytot · 04/12/2022 16:48

Does your DD get to say anything as an angel? I would try to make being an angel a really big deal (bigger than Mary if you must!) and tell your DD that the school choose her to be an angel because it is a better role than Mary and the angels were a very important part of the story.

WhirlyTwirly · 04/12/2022 16:49

Teacher has massively fucked up and has tried to pass the blame to the other teacher. It doesn’t sound like she is in charge at all and has enough experience with kids (and parents) to be teaching tbh.

WhirlyTwirly · 04/12/2022 16:51

….it also sounds like she was massively manipulated by the kid with the “Mary”costume.

Redbone · 04/12/2022 16:54

I would not mention it again to your DD however, that is really unprofessional and very bad judgment on the part of the teacher. I would personally be writing to the Headteacher suggesting that they keep an eye on the NQT. ( Former teacher here.)

dollytot · 04/12/2022 16:57

I would personally be writing to the Headteacher suggesting that they keep an eye on the NQT. ( Former teacher here.)

I thought is was the other teacher (not NQT) who had f*cked up?

Lemonlady22 · 04/12/2022 16:58

I still hold a grudge for the headmistress who took my sons halo his dad made for him and gave it to a boy who was an angel as it was more suitable than the crappy one his dad had made, I was fuming as my 5 year old was left crying, I watched the nativity with my upset child, and some strange kid wearing his halo…. Stomped to the office and gave her a piece of my mind. For context the 5 year old is now 29…yeah I hold grudges forever!!

Pertinentowl · 04/12/2022 17:00

I have learnt so much about how important a nativity play is in the English school system and it’s eye opening! I went down loads of rabbit holes.
I thought as it’s Christian and schools are secular it might have morphed.
I remember being young and being pulled out of a sort of dance for being left handed. I was holding the flag in my left hand. Always thought that secretly something else was wrong with me.

Interesting that this has been going on for so many years and looking at the homemade costumes of the tea towels, which is as much as anyone can expect from a busy mum gives me as an Arab such a feeling of almost revulsion. I’d never mess around with a Christian narrative although I suppose those of the religion are entitled to.

Possibly the tea towels are getting to me because of the World Cup and the sea of white faces in.. stuff. Much like Americans with the native head dresses.

I’m feeling very alien reading all this. I phoned my sister in London and her dh said ‘it’s a pain in the neck, your sister has gone mad with tinsel and the kids already have the outfits. Nothing to do with religion. Just tradition. Sometimes they try and make it funny and sometimes it’s by the book’

But I do agree about those moments being very memorable when young as sad and unfair. Funny how they stay with us

dooneyousmugelf · 04/12/2022 17:05

Fuck it id keep her off and take her for a Christmas Starbucks or something. I wouldn't want my kid up there slapping someone anyway.

Redbone · 04/12/2022 17:05

dollytot · 04/12/2022 16:57

I would personally be writing to the Headteacher suggesting that they keep an eye on the NQT. ( Former teacher here.)

I thought is was the other teacher (not NQT) who had f*cked up?

I think that both of them were at fault!

formulatingAresponse · 04/12/2022 17:06

I'd be really cross actually and I rarely interfere with the school but this is ridiculously thoughtless

BreakfastClub80 · 04/12/2022 17:12

Over the years I’ve been amazed at how many parents actually do intervene on behalf of their child for what I would consider minor issues. For example, “oh I found out why she’s was upset, she doesn’t have as many lines as the next person” etc and voila, the part is expanded! Whereas I’ve always tried to make Dc feel ok with their part, even when I’ve known they’ve been given less lines because they couldn’t read well (dyslexic) but also know they’ve memorised everyone else’s lines.

This situation is something else though, I agree the teacher has behaved badly and it’s really unfair to your daughter. I think you’re right to feed this back directly, otherwise word will get out and next year he might have 10 Mary costumes waiting for him!

It would be good if they could come up with an alternative solution but failing that I agree that you can only help your child whichever way you think best (and the angel costume is the best one). 😉

RhubarbStrawberry · 04/12/2022 17:14

Bakergram · 04/12/2022 16:38

The most unreasonable part of this story is that Mary slaps somebody in a school play.

Yes, that's bizarre. 🤔

BlueMongoose · 04/12/2022 17:24

It's very bad behaviour on the part of the other teacher to make changes like that- and also bad behaviour on the part of the kid who has the costume -sounds to me like a pushy brat trying to elbow her selfish way into what she wants-something any decent teacher nips in the bud immediately for everyone's good-including the brat's in the long term. I wonder if the child was put up to it by an unpleasant parent? Either way, the change ought not to have been made. Speaking as an ex-teacher, I think it should be changed back, on principle, whatver anyone feels about it. The point needs to be made. (I have been a teacher, though mostly of much older children- observation suggests to me that the younger they are, the more unfairness upsets them.)

Having said all that- I was always either a spider or a mouse. The penalty of always being the smallest.🙄

MoominPants · 04/12/2022 17:27

Did you actually hear from anyone other than you daughter that she had the part, originally? 🤔

cansu · 04/12/2022 17:28

OP
either

  1. The other teacher is mean and just wanted to upset your dd. (You say yourself that the teacher is very nice and is well liked!)
  2. The teacher made the decision as it seemed more practical and thought that your dd would be fine as an angel.

If it is no 1 then you would be justified in making the kind of fuss you are contemplating.
If it is no 2, then it would be ridiculous to insist on an apology. You have already complained to the first teacher who said she was sorry and would pass on that your dd had been upset. What exactly would be the point?

Canthave2manycats · 04/12/2022 17:28

Redbone · 04/12/2022 17:05

I think that both of them were at fault!

Show quote history

I think that's unfair to the NQT, who is most likely in a temporary role and hoping to impress, and secure a permanent appointment at the end of the year. She probably didn't feel she could challenge the other teacher. As for writing to the principal about her - are you for real?! As a "former teacher" you should be fully aware that there is a monitoring system in place for NQT

My kids learned early in our primary school that they were never going to be chosen for prominent parts because those were reserved for the families and friends of teachers. Half of them were married couples/siblings/parent and child!! We used to predict who the main parts would go to and we were never too far off, lol - so it was water off a duck's back really.