To expect the teacher to apologise to my dd?

[buckeejit]

Dd is 9 & was delighted to come home last week & tell us she was Mary in the school play. She was getting to slap someone in the play. How exciting.

She's been diagnosed with a chronic illness this year and not remotely sporty so not used to winning things normally.

She then came home a few days later quite down & spent some time in her room. She's quite sensitive & wouldn't say what was wrong. Later she came down & said now she wasn't Mary she was an angel instead.

Apparently, someone in the other class said they had a Mary costume so the other teacher said that girl could be Mary. DD's teacher asked dd if that was ok & said she didn't have to be an angel, but dd said 'ok, that's fine' as she thinks she has to be kind & isn't one to make a fuss.

I complained to DD's teacher, (she's a NQT covering for this year & I imagine finding this year quite full on). I said dd should never have been put in that position to decide & it wasn't fair. Queried if I had missed part of the story. She replied that she agreed with everything I'd said & the other teacher overruled her & pushed on with giving Mary to the other girl in his class. I asked her to pass my comments on to him & she said she would as she was also annoyed about it. DD's teacher was supposed to in charge of the drama & other teacher was in charge of singing. Other teacher is really nice & much loved by the pupils. I'm surprised at this.

I understand people make mistakes & see this as a bad decision. I think other teacher owes my dd an apology. I'm hoping he realises this himself & speaks to her this week. If not, am I unreasonable to speak to him & request that he does so? I think it's very important to show dc that we are accountable for our mistakes & that adults should apologise when thy make an error? What would you do?

Who has a ''Mary'' costume?

Agree. Rather niche, isn't it? 🤔

Nine is too old for such nonsense. I missed her age on my first reading and assumed it was 4 or 5-year-olds.

I'd be buying her the most amazing "fuck the expense" angel costume ever. Complete with light up wings and halo.

The teacher owes your daughter much more than an apology.

No way would I put up with this. The teacher cannot put your daughter in this position and ask her to give up her role - it’s bang out of order. I would have made the school reverse and made sure your daughter is Mary.

We had a similar incident and were very clear that it was very wrong on the teachers part.

I'd be spitting feathers. But...if you make a fuss, the teacher who overruled the NQT is probably going to apologise if made to, then give the NQT a hard time. They're clearly stepping on the NQTs toes already.

But on the other hand, your daughter has been really let down.

If it was me, I'd let the NQT know that you're really disappointed for your daughter, but you're not going to make a fuss, as DD really loves having her for a class teacher and she has been so supportive of DD. This will set your DD up for future advantages, like 1:1 times on missed work due to illness/more classroom responsibility as now the NQT owes you one and will be grateful.

In the meantime, make a big fuss of your lovely DD, who sounds like a real sweetie. I hope she has a good time at the play and I hope Mary fluffs her lines.

This happened to me in 1978! It was at rehearsal, a teacher noticed I was taller than Joseph so I was changed to Angel Gabriel!
It was a blessing in disguise as Gabriel had a glittery gold robe and a line of dialogue, unlike silent, docile Mary.

It's more important at 9 I think. The DC will be far more aware and if Mary's giving a slap this isn't a cute nativity play but a send of the birth of Jesus.

I hope new Mary, makes a point of breastfeeding baby Jesus and pulling up her special outfit to make it more realistic.

This! With added silver glitter and the biggest wings I could afford/make!

This will be an excellent lesson for your daughter to be more assertive. She could have said quietly and very politely to the teacher - actually I do mind. Please can I keep my role?

😂😂

There is only one thing for it. Your DD turns up wearing a Mary costume and bursts onto the stage singing the chorus of this.

I think what has happened is both teachers have cast the role of Mary in their class and told both girls they were Mary. The (female) NQT in charge of drama thought she would be casting, because, drama. The male teacher, more experienced, assumed he would as the senior.
The other girl's mum had rushed out and bought/made a costume already. The other teacher said she has to keep the role because the mum had already spent money/time on it and told the more junior teacher to disappoint her pupil and deal with the fall out.
I reckon the big power imbalance here is a more experienced male teacher riding roughshod over the female NQT and her job casting as in charge of drama. That's why she sounded so pissed off on the phone and dropped him in it with you.

I'm a teacher. I've had male teachers do this sort of thing to me and leave my pupils disadvantaged because they think they are more important and can't bear to be wrong and go back on what they said to their pupils. As I'm not an NQT I don't give a bloody inch to these tactics, but I can imagine a young NQT not being able to stand up to it.

You forget that the Virgin will also tell the shepherds and the WIse Men they can stay away, the 'little family' is not accepting visitors for months as they 'bond'.

As others have said OP - the most logical and sensible way to deal with this is to make sure your daughter upstages Mary in every possible way - not really difficult as Mary's outfit is usually pretty dull whereas all the angels look fabulous and sparkly. Anyway, the star of the show is usually something random like the donkey or a particularly dramatic king herod, never Mary - unless she does something funny like dropping the baby Jesus.

YANBU. I work in primary. Once they’ve been given a part, that’s it. What they’ve done is cruel. Speak to the Head .

I’m the same. I’d want to know who this other child was and if their parents had intervened. Which 9 year old is going to say that they have a costume already and want the role? Bet it’s the parents who had a word. There could be two Mary’s in the play- and why not. Your daughter the first Mary as she was cast first and the other child the second Mary because of the demand to be Mary. Sorted

We would never just reallocate a part because someone else had a costume. That means that either they’ve been Mary before or they’ve forced the teacher’s hand by getting the costume in anticipation.

Actually, that's a fair point about two Marys - there is usually a matinee and an afternoon performance to fit all parents in/allow them to make it. One does am one does pm (could check in advance who can make which one). Sorted.
You then also have inbuilt stand-ins.

Something similar happened to my dc, he was ill for 2 weeks and lost his main part in the Christmas play.Yhese things happen, he lived!
At least your dd was asked if she minded.Maybe this will be a blessing in disguise and next time it will spur her to stand up for herself.
I think you are in danger of turning this onto a bigger thing than it is.Life is full of minor disappointments a d trials and you can't and shouldn't insulate t hem from everything. Just teach her to get on with it and big up the angel part

In that case you have just argued the case that it was over the costume.

The Dd obviously ticked all the boxes and was given the role.

If then the other girl got given the part because she had a Mary costume then obviously it was about the costume.

This.

A similar nothing happened to.me when I was about six, except the role taken was the narrator.
My mum went to school and sorted it. I had been so upset.

It’s cruel and heartless, how do some teacher get things like this so wrong?! Do they just forget children also have feelings?

Why the need to include slapping in a primary nativity play?? That would concern me far more than the swapping of roles. Life will be full of disappointments. A nine year old needs to accept that you won’t always be treated well or get what you were promised.

School plays are so shit. Normally 3 or 4 main roles and then the remaining 50 odd kids get to be set dressing or the bloody choir. So pointless.