To buy DS a box of condoms?

shadvv · 2022-12-03T23:45:41+00:00

My son is 14, he's in a relationship with another boy, same school year but he's 15 - as DS will be in a few months. The boys parents don't know about his sexuality and I've told DS I won't say anything. I've talked to him about the age of consent and making sure to use a condom when having sex to protect from STI's but he's told me they aren't yet. I do suspect they are as there's been a few occasions where I've left DS alone to go out somewhere, when I get back an hour/ a few hours later he has his door closed so I knock and he tells me to wait a few minutes so I do and when DS tells me I can go in his bf is also with him. I want to respect his privacy so I don't want to tell him he isn't allowed to close his bedroom door or tell him his bf isn't allowed over as the bf doesn't have a good home life so I've told him he's always welcome here. I don't want to embarrass DS by giving him a box of condoms especially as I don't know 100% they're having sex. WIBU?

Original poster

shadvv · 04/12/2022 00:05

.

OP posts:

Sidking · 04/12/2022 00:10

I'd just leave a 12 pack on his bed/desk when he's out, he'll see them and know it's from you without being remotely embarrassing. If he doesn't need them he can pop them in a drawer and know they're there if it does happen

Itisbetter · 04/12/2022 00:26

Why are you letting two 14 year olds lock themselves into a room. The age of consent is 16. You tell him on no account and he have sex and fill his time with other things. 14 year olds are CHILDREN.

Theydoyaknow · 04/12/2022 00:28

I would yes.

Ialwayswannasometimes · 04/12/2022 00:33

Itisbetter · 04/12/2022 00:26

Why are you letting two 14 year olds lock themselves into a room. The age of consent is 16. You tell him on no account and he have sex and fill his time with other things. 14 year olds are CHILDREN.

The age of consent being 16 is a lot more about protecting children from adults and a lot less about two 14 year olds doing whatever.
do you not remember being 14? I don't know anyone that wasn't sexually active in some way or another before 16. at that age, if they want to do it they'll find somewhere to do it so much better to openly talk about safe sex and educate them than try to ban it

BashfulClam · 04/12/2022 00:39

Itisbetter · 04/12/2022 00:26

Why are you letting two 14 year olds lock themselves into a room. The age of consent is 16. You tell him on no account and he have sex and fill his time with other things. 14 year olds are CHILDREN.

It’s better they are comfortable at home and safe than finding dodgy places to sneak away. Like it or not young teens will experiment with sex.

OP I’d say yes because at least they will always be available if required . Better to have them than take chances.

Itisbetter · 04/12/2022 00:53

It’s better they are comfortable at home and safe than finding dodgy places to sneak away. Like it or not young teens will experiment with sex.
I think this is nonsense and a total cop out. The majority of people DON’T have sex when they are children nor do they sneak out to do it (or anything else) just because you tell them they can’t at home.
when you add the other child’s miserable home life into the equation it’s even more worrying. What if that child feels they have to participate or lose their only kind place? What if OPs son feels he can’t pull back because the other child needs his comfort? Honestly if OP was providing a venue for inappropriate sexual activity for one of my children I’d be furious and frankly call the police/school.

Testina · 04/12/2022 01:08

Right, so you’re all “cool mom” when it comes to letting them shut the door… but not cool enough to actually talk about sex and condoms? 🙄

liloandtitch · 04/12/2022 01:14

Have to say I agree with Itisbetter here. There can be emotional harm from having sex too young. They may consent, but they don’t know what they’re consenting too, not really. That’s why the age of consent is 16. Maturity is important. You need to be discouraging this, not enabling it.

Original poster

shadvv · 04/12/2022 01:14

Testina · 04/12/2022 01:08

Right, so you’re all “cool mom” when it comes to letting them shut the door… but not cool enough to actually talk about sex and condoms? 🙄

I've spoken to DS multiple times about condoms, especially since hes been in a relationship and he's always said they aren't having sex. And I don't let them having the door shut, I'm out and I come back to it shut. When I'm in they usually are downstairs or in DS’ room with the door open.

OP posts:

edwinbear · 04/12/2022 01:18

I’d not be encouraging my 14yr old to be having sex, no. Regardless of whether they are gay or straight. When I was 13 I had a 14yr old boyfriend with a ‘cool mum’ who used to let us go to his room with his door shut and he pressurised me into doing stuff I really didn’t want to do. It’s way too young.

Woopzies · 04/12/2022 01:29

Testina · 04/12/2022 01:08

Right, so you’re all “cool mom” when it comes to letting them shut the door… but not cool enough to actually talk about sex and condoms? 🙄

"I've talked to him about the age of consent and making sure to use a condom when having sex to protect from STI's but he's told me they aren't yet." taken from the OP.

....Can you not read?

Testina · 04/12/2022 01:49

Yep, I can read 🙄

She says she’s talked about sex and condoms… but she hasn’t talked that much about it, if she can’t handle the last little bit, the “OK so we’ve had that chat and I know you’re not planning it yet, but when you do and don’t want to actually announce that, or if it’s spontaneous, I thought it would be a good idea to already have condoms - so I’ve stuck a box in your sock drawer.”

Not that I’m condoning the children having sex, but specifically on the question about buying condoms - how hard is it to just have that full conversation?

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/12/2022 01:57

edwinbear · 04/12/2022 01:18

I’d not be encouraging my 14yr old to be having sex, no. Regardless of whether they are gay or straight. When I was 13 I had a 14yr old boyfriend with a ‘cool mum’ who used to let us go to his room with his door shut and he pressurised me into doing stuff I really didn’t want to do. It’s way too young.

Especially as this boy has a bad home life. Emotional abuse at home and the only safe place is somewhere he is having sex. It doesn't scream 'healthy' to me.

RobertaFirmino · 04/12/2022 01:58

I don't think you would be unreasonable at all. If underage teens want to have sex they will find a way and it is always better to be safe than sorry. Maybe buy a pack, put them in a bag with a little note saying 'Just in case...' and leave them on his bed.

Plenty of under 16s have sex - it is very naive to think they don't.

LBFseBrom · 04/12/2022 02:00

If he says he and his boyfriend are not having sex, believe him. He probably means they are not having penetrative sex but no doubt they experiment a bit. Not all homosexuals do have penetrative sex.

Fourteen is very young but sex does happen.

Would he thank you for giving him condoms? He would probably rather you did not involve yourself in that way, you are his mum after all. You've told him about safe sex so leave it to pan out; it may come to nothing. There's no point in encouraging it.

Cw112 · 04/12/2022 02:03

Testina · 04/12/2022 01:49

Yep, I can read 🙄

She says she’s talked about sex and condoms… but she hasn’t talked that much about it, if she can’t handle the last little bit, the “OK so we’ve had that chat and I know you’re not planning it yet, but when you do and don’t want to actually announce that, or if it’s spontaneous, I thought it would be a good idea to already have condoms - so I’ve stuck a box in your sock drawer.”

Not that I’m condoning the children having sex, but specifically on the question about buying condoms - how hard is it to just have that full conversation?

I think op is trying to find the right balance between listening to her kid, providing what they need and trying not to overstep to make sure the conversation stays open and also still being mindful that they are only 14.

I think personally I would make sure there are accessible condoms in the house, even if they're in whatever bathroom ds uses. I'd be trying to encourage them to wait especially if ds is saying they aren't quite ready yet but then maybe having a conversation about how things can be spontaneous and if they really aren't ready maybe the door needs to be open for now until they are a bit older and decide that they are ready.

WetBandits · 04/12/2022 02:08

Itisbetter · 04/12/2022 00:53

It’s better they are comfortable at home and safe than finding dodgy places to sneak away. Like it or not young teens will experiment with sex.
I think this is nonsense and a total cop out. The majority of people DON’T have sex when they are children nor do they sneak out to do it (or anything else) just because you tell them they can’t at home.
when you add the other child’s miserable home life into the equation it’s even more worrying. What if that child feels they have to participate or lose their only kind place? What if OPs son feels he can’t pull back because the other child needs his comfort? Honestly if OP was providing a venue for inappropriate sexual activity for one of my children I’d be furious and frankly call the police/school.

I can absolutely promise you that they do, and they are massively unsafe when they do so.

Lilyfrilly · 04/12/2022 02:38

I was 14 when I started having sex. My parents used to let my boyfriend (also 14) come over for dinner but not to stay over and they also asked me to not fully shut my bedroom door. So we did nothing at my house.
when I went to his though, his mum had one issue with us having sex there. I actually remember thinking it was a bit strange that she was ok with it - and also bought him condoms.
I’m not sure we would have ended up shagging in a park, had we not been allowed to have sex at his house. I actually think I would have waited - which in hindsight would have been better. Looking back, I wasn’t ready.

Lilyfrilly · 04/12/2022 02:39

His mum had *NO issue

PinkPlantCase · 04/12/2022 02:54

14 is too young to be facilitating their sex life. I don’t think 14 is emotionally mature enough to have sex in a homosexual or heterosexual sexual relationship.

I also find it odd that you leave them at home alone together but you want them to have the door open when you’re there. What’s the boundary? Are they ‘allowed’ to do stuff but just not when you’re in the house?

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 04/12/2022 02:58

Not at all unreasonable.

I'd say something about how you got them so he can prepare in learning how they work. And then just leave them in his room.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 04/12/2022 04:15

I agree with Itisbetter , 14 is far, far too young to be having sex, and I never knew anyone who had sex at that age, and my kids don't either. I think it's a lie people on here tell themselves so they can feel justified in being lax parents. Also the saying 'they all do it' is a child-like argument to which our parents would say "if everyone stuck their head in an oven would you do it too?" I certainly would not buy condoms at 14! (I doubt they'd fit normal condoms at that age anyway)

I suspect they are having oral sex, OP, not anal sex so that's why they think they don't need condoms.

Ohdearnotagain76 · 04/12/2022 04:27

it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, he’s your son and you know him best. I brought my 14 year old condoms and when I gave them to him he said oh we’re not active and I replied keep it that way but you need to know how to put them on/ off so I got you some and they don’t have to be used for sex. Also gave him dog bags and told him to put in main bin

Gremlinsateit · 04/12/2022 04:46

Get him the condoms. Tell him not to pressure his BF or to do anything he doesn’t want to do himself, and that it’s better to wait until later; but if he needs them they are there and to use them every single time. If I had a dollar for every teenager who thought they didn’t need condoms and ended up with an std or pregnancy …