To buy DS a box of condoms?

[shadvv]

My son is 14, he's in a relationship with another boy, same school year but he's 15 - as DS will be in a few months. The boys parents don't know about his sexuality and I've told DS I won't say anything.

I've talked to him about the age of consent and making sure to use a condom when having sex to protect from STI's but he's told me they aren't yet.

I do suspect they are as there's been a few occasions where I've left DS alone to go out somewhere, when I get back an hour/ a few hours later he has his door closed so I knock and he tells me to wait a few minutes so I do and when DS tells me I can go in his bf is also with him.

I want to respect his privacy so I don't want to tell him he isn't allowed to close his bedroom door or tell him his bf isn't allowed over as the bf doesn't have a good home life so I've told him he's always welcome here. I don't want to embarrass DS by giving him a box of condoms especially as I don't know 100% they're having sex.

WIBU?

Absolutely grim. We’re talking about children here. Shocking.

@shadvv DS is young but surely it's better them being somewhere safe with condoms than somewhere unsafe and potentially dangerous outside without anything to protect them. these are not the two options available.

@MadameMackenzie grown ups find it difficult to say no to needy people. OPs son may be the only kind person in this child’s life. Neither child is likely to be ready for an adult relationship and why should they be? They are children help them to make better choices don’t aid and abet the poor ones.

I haven't given him any consequences for inviting his bf over, simply because I don't want to push him away.

Yes, I would be more wary if there was a risk of pregnancy but I also would be able to speak to the other parents about what to do etc. I am still wary now though about them having unprotected sex and the STIs.
I didn't want to prevent bf coming over due to his home life and when I'm here its fine, if they do go to his room they have the door open etc.

I have spoken to DS this evening about him having his door closed when his bf is with him when I come back home, he said he doesn't realise he closes his door as he usually does as soon as he's home from school - which he does even when I'm here he'll go straight to his room and close his door and that'll be it until dinner. He also said he tells me to wait as they're in the middle of a game on his PlayStation, which I don't believe as on some occasions they aren't playing a game but I didn't tell him I know he's lying, I just left it at that.

No pregnancy risk and if they're both virgins no STD risk?

I would still rather them use condoms so they are 100% safe, and so DS gets used to using them for in the future if he and BF break up and he gets into other relationships when there may be STD risks.

I haven't given him any consequences for inviting his bf over, simply because I don't want to push him away.

If you have a generally good relationship i can't imagine this being the case.

A few of my friends whose parents didn't set and follow through on boundaries around things like this are actually a bit resentful now, especially once they have children of their own, as they feel they were permitted to make decisions they weren't ready for. Or that they felt unable to say no as firmly as they wanted to as they didn't have the 'my parents would give me serious consequences if they found out I did xyz.'

Your first error is being a facilitator for your son to engage in sexual activity in the first place.

The age of consent is there mainly to protect minors from adults. To make totally clear that no matter how much the 13yo is winking, the adult shouldn't interpret it as a consent.
Around Europe the age varies mostly between 14-16, with frequent "similar age" exceptions, or even being directly phrased as the age of consent for sex with an adult.
I'm not in the UK, and quick google is confusing, it sounds like the law is aimed at adults, and a pair of 13+ probably won't be prosecuted, unless some coercion is there?
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15 yo aren't really children, they are youngsters with physically functioning bodies and while their minds are still maturing, they need imputs and experience to do so. And it doesn't make sense to expect them to bury the thrill if they feel it.

It is quite possible that they really don't have a sex, many teenagers are smart and start with some light exploration, even watching a (normal) movie together while touching by shoulders can be very thrilling if done privately..

About the box of condoms... Maybe the small one? If they aren't sexually active, it might sound as you don't believe them. Something like "being safe when it comes"

So that’s ok? We’re talking about a physical act that could have very serious implications for young people.

Not sure why the op is getting a hard time here. She is unsure what is the right thing to do (parenting teenagers is hard) so is asking opinions on a public forum. Some people are acting like she's offered to drop the two of them at a hotel with a pile of sex toys! Sounds to me op like you are doing a great job and have a great relationship with your son. As if forbidding teenagers to do things ever worked!

How am I being a facilitator, I'm thinking about their safety as even if I don't buy condoms, they'll still be having sex regardless.

Anyway, I've bought a box and put them in his room.

None of my children, certainly not at 14, would have the luxury of being able to accommodate their lover privately within my home.

That's how you facilitate.

Clearly we are worlds apart values, so whatever works best for you.

I don't understand why you think you'd be able to speak to the parents if your DS' partner was a girl. Lots of DCs have chaotic home lives and unsupportive parents. It's not tied to sexuality. And regardless of what MN thinks or the fictious parents of a gf might think, you need to make decisions for your child.
It's interesting that with all the good advice on this thread from the emotional impact of a sexual relationship at a young age to the practicalities of having anal sex, it seems your sole response has been to buy condoms. That's one part of a possible parental response but you really do need to consider all the other issues that have been raised.

I don't understand why you think you'd be able to speak to the parents if your DS' partner was a girl. Lots of DCs have chaotic home lives and unsupportive parents. It's not tied to sexuality.

No but homophobia is.

You're being very naive if you think all parents would treat their teen being in a same sex relationship the same way as they would a straight relationship.

Disproportionate numbers of kids who are kicked out by their parents or otherwise made homeless are LGBT. It is not for the OP, or anyone else, to out this boy to his parents.

Totally agree. It’s pretty shocking but then clearly others have very different standards and expectations for their DC.

It's not tied to sexuality

It is as his parents don't know about him s sexuality so I can't speak to them, not because of his home life.

None of my children, certainly not at 14, would have the luxury of being able to accommodate their lover privately within my home.

As I've said, DS is a few months off 15, so he hasn't just turned 14. When he's 15 he'll only be a year off the age of consent (which is to protect children from adults, not children of a similar age having sex). If I punished him for inviting his bf over when I'm not home, it'd probably just make him not want to talk to me about things which could be important. They'd also find other ways to have sex as I and some PP’s have said.

condoms aside OP, this is TMI but as a gay man myself there are things about gay sex that differ a lot from straight sex. If you think they are having penetrative anal sex (that would require a condom) you need to ensure they both know about lube, cleaning, risk of fissures etc as it is not as simple.

This.

You seem to find sex at 15 ok because it’s nearly 16 and sex at 14 ok because it’s nearly 15. Were you sexually active very early yourself and so consider this the norm? I honestly think the concept of it being ok because he won’t get prosecuted odd. It’s not healthy or sensible, so I’d be aiming higher.

@shadvv When he's 15 he'll only be a year off the age of consent (which is to protect children from adults, not children of a similar age having sex).

He’s over a year away from being 16, possibly nearly 2 years. No, the age of consent is to protect children from jumping into things they are not mentally prepared for. Having sex is an adult thing. It’s not healthy for children to rush into things.

A few of us have raised those issues @Tinner01 but the OP hasn't responded and has just put condoms in the room as if that's job done.

In this particular scenario condoms are the least of the worry in a way - ie. both virgins, both male. I don't think people are really grasping the 'additional' considerations of this being anal sex between two virgins, one of whom is still 14, another 15. There's both the logistics such as cleaning, lube etc obviously and there's also the degree of comfort and openness and constant checking in etc required - the latter seems a lot to ask of children.

We have to hope they're a lot more switched on and have done their research a lot better than most people on this thread.

Exactly what I'm thinking.

Especially since the equivalent is a 14yo daughter who's planning to have anal sex.

Would people really be answering in the same way with that scenario???

It's well known that more and more young teen girls are presenting with serious injuries from anal sex but presumably some people here think it wouldn't apply equally to boys.

www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/why-we-need-to-talk-to-teenage-girls-about-anal-sex_uk_633bf9f6e4b0e376dbfa4425

I'd be very actively discouraging OP's son if I was her, and telling him exactly why.

Exactly. It’s incredible that the OP is not considering the very real health implications here. I feel sorry for these kids. But, you know, cool mom. 🙄

That’s a bit sad, tbh. It’s not as easy as that.