To buy DS a box of condoms?

[shadvv]

My son is 14, he's in a relationship with another boy, same school year but he's 15 - as DS will be in a few months. The boys parents don't know about his sexuality and I've told DS I won't say anything.

I've talked to him about the age of consent and making sure to use a condom when having sex to protect from STI's but he's told me they aren't yet.

I do suspect they are as there's been a few occasions where I've left DS alone to go out somewhere, when I get back an hour/ a few hours later he has his door closed so I knock and he tells me to wait a few minutes so I do and when DS tells me I can go in his bf is also with him.

I want to respect his privacy so I don't want to tell him he isn't allowed to close his bedroom door or tell him his bf isn't allowed over as the bf doesn't have a good home life so I've told him he's always welcome here. I don't want to embarrass DS by giving him a box of condoms especially as I don't know 100% they're having sex.

WIBU?

Quite honestly I think you're doing a fantastic job. You're giving you son the tools he needs to grow and develop. And also giving him a safe space and confidence in his parent to be open. Honestly my mum was the same way with me and I have only ever been 100% honest with her, I felt so safe as a teen being able to talk to her.
You should be proud of the way your tackling this. Don't let other posters make you feel bad.

@SavingKitten
I think the OPs point was she sometimes doesn't know the bf is there so when the door is closed assumes it's just her DS. You can implement an open door policy I'm not saying that you shouldn't, but that won't always work because like the OP sometimes you may not know they have company if you d just come home from work etc.

So the simple solution, if you're claiming this is the problem, is don't leave them in the house alone.

When I go out, the bf isn't over so I'm only leaving DS which is mainly during the school holidays if I'm working or have an appointment and a few times a week, DS gets home before I finish work. Neither are possible for me to change as if I could, I would've already.

Buying condoms doesn’t automatically means encouraging sex, just like being on the pill. It means being prepared. They may well just be experimenting and touching. Only op knows the maturity of her son, and having a hard home life doesn’t automatically mean the other boy is bad news for him.

I would in ops position. I’d sooner have my son protected that risking his sexual health because condoms hadn’t been accessible.

I no this, I was responding to other posters saying shutting the door makes no difference at all.

DS and I are very open and have talked a lot and I have gotten condoms which he's aware of but haven't given them to him yet. Reading between the lines of our conversations I think he's engaged in some sexual activity with girls but he definitely hasn't had 'sex' yet but the time is nearing. I've said that I'm getting condoms so he can practice putting them on (he finds this laughable but I said you never know how fiddly things can be when you are nervous etc -he can't imagine being nervous but err reality may be different). All of these conversations have included talking about consent, readiness emotionally, the strong feelings that having sex can evoke in one or both parties, the role of alcohol etc.

I'm going to give him a couple of condoms - and encourage him to have a go at putting one on and to keep the other with him when he goes to parties/gatherings etc just in case but still framed in the preference that he waits for someone he's totally comfortable with and is sure they're comfortable etc. I've also pointed out to him that he first time is often not great and being in a relationship means that not being 'it' and the awkwardness of afterwards etc.

I like the idea of putting condoms in shared space. I'm single, you ever know I might actually need one one day It sort of normalises it I guess.

For context my son is just a few months off of 16, we've always had open age appropriate conversations. I have to say 14 sounds very young nowadays (in my experience of teens both working with and having one they wait longer than my generation did and are far less... peer pressured and naive about the gravity of sex?) to be in any way sexually active.

I don't think I'd have had girls (or boys if he was that way inclined) in his room at that age - still don't as his room is a shit tip and he hasn't had anyone serious in his life to even request that. It's more parties I've been thinking of at the homes of very permissive parents who let them all stay over.

I'd be worried about the intensity of this relationship at such a young age and the added intensity of one of the children not being out and having a difficult home life. It's hard when you have already allowed it but I'd be thinking the bedroom wasn't the right place for them to be when you're not at home and making that clear to your son.

I agree you need to have a chat about condom use. However I would make it clear that having the bedoom door shut etc isn't appropriate while they're so young. They're children and normalising sex at their age isnt right. They're still going through puberty and their bodies are just not mature enough for full penetrative sex. It makes me sick just thinking about it. There's an age of consent for a reason.

Personally I would not give a 14 year old condoms. Way too young. Most 14 year olds are not having sex no matter how much some people want others to believe that.

Hate to be that person but you seem to be confusing your opinions with facts here

Teen bodies are physically fine in terms of being ‘ready’ for sex, humans are designed to start breeding young, thankfully culturally attitudes have changed, but to claim a 14 year olds body isn’t mature enough for sex is a bit silly.

150 years ago a 14 year old would be a parent 2-3 times over.

Anal sex is different though. The risk of damage, tears, infection etc are a lot higher than heterosexual intercourse. Even for adults it's something that requires prep and lube.

Anal sex is somewhat different though with regard to those talking about physical readiness and ye olden days.

Presumably it would require a lot of very open communication between them to be able to have this both safely and comfortably and to be absolutely sure no one felt pressured to mask pain or stop the whole thing if they wanted to. There's also the reality that not all gay men choose to have penetrative sex at all, some only like to penetrate, some to be penetrated, some both etc etc.

I think actually I'd be seeking the advice of gay men rather than Mums if you are lucky enough to have any solid, decent, mature gay men in your life.

My nephew is gay and I've had some tentative conversations with him. He's currently in a settled relationship thankfully as I was a bit worried about some of the things he told me and how vulnerable he could potentially be. I don't have any older gay male friends to talk to anymore. OP I really do think you need to seek advice that's more specific to gay men and sex than you're getting here now I think about it.

14 is so young..especially as the other boy isn't even out..he could be hiding his sexuality, he could be confused or he could be rebelling. In which case this needs spelling out to your son (both of them actually) of the implications of any sexual activity that might happen. It could be that if this comes out to the other boys family your son is accused of all sorts!

Of course they should be allowed to explore their sexuality within reason but the age of consent is 16 for a reason.

I think you need to have a very open and honest conversation with your son.

An anus doesn’t mature through the years though. You’re just as likely to tear at 14 as you are at 34 if you go in with no lube or prep.

So again, your comment is a bit silly

@shadvv I think you'd be doing the right thing buying/giving him condoms.

I had the chat a few times from about 14 with my son and I bought him condoms. He said he wasn't having sex yet and I just said we'll they're there if you need them.

We've got an incredibly open relationship and he'll tell me anything and everything, sometimes too much 🤣

He's 22 now and got his own place but he's still open and honest with me.

The person matures through the years though, and at 14 you are less likely to be aware of the problems that can occur and be willing to be open about discussing and buying lube. You are being silly acting like there is no difference between at 14 year old child and a 34 year old man.

Never said people don’t mature.

Hence why I was specifically responding to someone claiming physically the body isn’t mature enough at 14. Maybe read comment chains properly before jumping in.

I have read them I just don’t agree with you, hence jumping in 🙂

@Sarah2891 Most aren't, but some have bodies which mature earlier, and they may be. Think of a bell curve. If most people become sexually active at 16 / 17 (as a previous poster claimed), you would expect quite a few to start at 15, and some to start at 14. Similarly quite a few wouldn't be ready until they were 18, and some until they were 19 (and there would be outliers both ways).

Pretending that NO-ONE is going to start before their 16th birthday (with or without their parents approval) is ignoring the facts.

So you think physically an anus gets bigger, or is more able to handle anal sex through teen years?

Despite that being factually incorrect?

You may be lucky parents whose children aren't ready for anything like that (many aren't). No children should be raped, which is what we call it when people who can’t consent to sex have sex. Providing a private room and condoms is not cool it’s aiding sex without consent. If you think your child is being put in a position /relationship to be doing that your job is to protect them from that situation.

150 years ago a 14 year old would be a parent 2-3 times over.

Genuinely not sure where you got this from.
Young girls would generally get with older men, right?

It has never been customary for a young boy and young girl to marry and have multiple children, like anywhere

I didn’t say either of those things.

I think it's too young OP sorry. I am saying this as someone who had sex at 15. I was not ready at all but I had a very pushy boyfriend, who is the father of my DC's, that kept on pressuring me. It was too complex, emotional wise to deal it being in a relationship and be having sex. On the other hand, my parents were very prudish with sex and are devout Christian's so sex was very prudish. I wish my mother spoke to me about sex and not having to feel pressured to do it and for me to learn how to say "no". This would have been the ideal rather than her letting me get on with it and leave a pack of condoms. My ex, would have used the opportunity to continuing wanting to have sex with me in my home as my parents were "cool" with it.

But I don't know. Teens would find a way to have sex and I guess I'm projecting my experience on here, it is better to be safe but good to have a conversation about sex/relationships.

This

Re your last bit, saying that 150 years ago a 14 year old girl would already have given birth 2 or 3 times is simply not true. How have you managed to come up with that? Sounds dangerously close to how a paedophile would justify having sex with a child.