To buy DS a box of condoms?

[shadvv]

My son is 14, he's in a relationship with another boy, same school year but he's 15 - as DS will be in a few months. The boys parents don't know about his sexuality and I've told DS I won't say anything.

I've talked to him about the age of consent and making sure to use a condom when having sex to protect from STI's but he's told me they aren't yet.

I do suspect they are as there's been a few occasions where I've left DS alone to go out somewhere, when I get back an hour/ a few hours later he has his door closed so I knock and he tells me to wait a few minutes so I do and when DS tells me I can go in his bf is also with him.

I want to respect his privacy so I don't want to tell him he isn't allowed to close his bedroom door or tell him his bf isn't allowed over as the bf doesn't have a good home life so I've told him he's always welcome here. I don't want to embarrass DS by giving him a box of condoms especially as I don't know 100% they're having sex.

WIBU?

I’d be calling social services. How can you be complicit in a minor having sex. If I was that other boys parents I’d be calling social and getting legal. disgraceful

@Itisbetter I think you're referring to statutory rape? That's not relevant, if it's consensual, unless one of the people involved is older. There are a lot of nuances in the law for teenagers regarding sexual activity, for exactly cases like these. Most people (and the law itself) can clearly see a difference between a 12 year old being groomed by a 30 year old, and two fifteen year olds who know each other from school. Regardless, it's splitting hairs, as the OP isn't "allowing" or condoning it, she's considering whether to put in a precautionary safety measure. My mum for example did provide condoms (as a precautionary measure), but didn't condone at all, which lead to a lot of bush sex 🙄Condonig or facilitating any potential activity is a different debate entirely.

And I don't think anyone's saying it's "cool", they're saying it's sensible.

Ignore the hysteria, OP, you’re doing the right thing. It’s not about condoning it, it’s about keeping them safe. They’re or the same age, and as a PP has pointed out the law is very nuanced around that.

Everyone on here saying ‘my kids aren’t at that age’ - balance of probabilities, they are. Do you not remember being a teenager?!

Grew up in very middle England, everyone I know started around then. Though not necessarily penetrative sex, that varied from 13 - 18 amongst my friends. Some people had good experiences, some bad, like you do at any age. You are not going to be able to stop them, so it’s your duty as a parent to make them understand safety, consent and so on.

The pearl clutchers on here who want to pretend it’s not happening are bad, bad parents.

I don't think social services would be interested in 2 teens, a very similar age, having sex as yes DS is young but surely it's better them being somewhere safe with condoms than somewhere unsafe and potentially dangerous outside without anything to protect them.

In a few months they'll both be 15, so DS isn't a young 14, if he was I might think differently but they're both mature and both seem happy in the relationship. BF also isn't hiding his sexuality, all of their friends know about the relationship, he just hasn't told his family as he doesn't think they'll be very accepting which is also why I want to make sure they're both safe. I might leave a box in his room as a just in case.

I think you're referring to statutory rape? That's not relevant, if it's consensual, It isn’t consensual because the ds is 14, so cannot consent. If you CAN’T consent and you have sex, it IS rape regardless of whether you are convicted of any crime or suffer any further punishment (beyond obviously the consequences of underage sex). The idea that it’s not a problem if the two people are the same age, or the older didn’t know the age of the younger, or any other nonsense is exactly that, nonsense.

I'm genuinely horrified by the amount of people who think it's ok for 14 year olds to have sex.
And to the poster who said that she didn't know anyone at that age who hadn't done it, I find that awful.
I was 18 when I first slept with someone. My older girls were also the same age. My 19 year old twin girls have yet to lose their virginity.
Why? Because I taught them to respect their bodies, and not to be pressured into doing something they may later regret.
I despair at society these days when having underage sex is deemed normal.

This.

You need to accept that he'll be having sex whether you agree or not, but you absolutely don't have to facilitate or encourage it.

14 year olds are children.

''@Itisbetter · Today 00:26
Why are you letting two 14 year olds lock themselves into a room. The age of consent is 16. You tell him on no account and he have sex and fill his time with other things. 14 year olds are CHILDREN.''

Grow up.

I am so tired of some parents burying their heads in the sands and the general pearl clutching...

The OP is doing the responsible thing that anyone with teens should do: talk to them about sex and healthy relationships, make sure they understand the consequences of having unprotected sex, help them make informed decisions and develop good self-esteem and body image.

What she should not be doing is what you are doing: going around shrieking ''but you are under 16...'' and coming up with nonsense while pretending that no teen under 16 ever has sex. Because that is the irresponsible attitude from a parent.

If you do provide condoms, also obtain some very explicit leaflets on safe sex between males. Condoms are only part of it.

You can get info from gay support charities.

What she should not be doing is what you are doing: going around shrieking ''but you are under 16...'' and coming up with nonsense while pretending that no teen under 16 ever has sex. Because that is the irresponsible attitude from a parent.

absolutely no one has encouraged OP to go this route of scolding and shaming.

We're just pointing out that there is a difference between accepting and actively encouraging/facilitating. Letting them lock themselves in the room falls in the enabling category

No. I don’t agree at all. It’s a bit like saying all teenagers shoplift, they really don’t.

Some children become prematurely sexualised but parenting ALL children like they do is silly. Parenting those who do as though it’s just to be accepted as inevitable that they act on those urges is stupid. If your child shows interest in doing something that is damaging to them and others then your job is to step in and help them behave in an appropriate way. That’s not locked doors and condoms because you are “out a lot” or gentle chats. That’s clear rules and expectations with discussions about keeping themselves and those they love safe. That’s finding other things to fill their time and better ways to hang out with friends. It’s harder work and absolutely doesn’t involve shaming anyone. There are going to be countless times in OPs sons life where he will have restrain himself and do what’s right rather than what gratifies now.

@Itisbetter Your first sentence invalidates any argument you are trying to make. It’s puerile and inaccurate to equate human sexual behaviour with shoplifting. The law is very clear that theft is a crime, whilst it has made it equally clear that what OP is talking about (assuming consent) is not. Criminalising normal experimentation would be a disaster, and it doesn’t work anyway - much like banning sex before marriage has never worked in human history.

Forgive me if I’m wrong but language and tone of the rest of your post shows that perhaps you come from quite a conservative or religious background, and there’s not criticism from me there, but it is a bit naive of you to think that others like quite so much in fear of ‘urges’. You seem to equate all ‘forbidden’ things as equal, and equally harmful (or harmful at all - there’s no reason it has to be, as it wasn’t for me as a teenager) which I think is a little odd in today’s world.

This would be wholly different if there was a significant age gap, or it was coercive - but from what OP has said, this all sounds like being a pretty normal teenager.

@Itisbetter Do some of your own research around the laws, if you are interested. It doesn't sound like you have done any so far.

Wow the hysteria on this thread is amazing, but what is terrifying is the complete lack of understanding of the link between lack of sex ed/ open conversation/ free access to contraception and the impact on teens.

In short, they will have sex anyway. The only difference is whether it's safe. No wonder the UK has such bad STI and teen pregnancy rates - spoiler alert, it's not because of a lack of "open door" policy!

Don't take my word for it, just do a tiny bit of research and broaden your understanding. The Netherlands approach is a good start.

www.sexandpsychology.com/blog/2017/5/19/why-teens-have-better-sexual-health-in-the-netherlands-than-the-us/

In response to the OP, there is no harm at all that can come from access to condoms so why not? Also though, there is a fair bit of other prep they will need to do if they are going to have sex.

Op I agree with pp who said you might not get the informed advice you need for this situation on mn. Don't get me wrong I've read tft and there's lots of sound and sensible advice given, but if it was me I think I'd want some more specific info and guidance from an organisation experienced with lgbtq teens, sexual health and consent. I'm aware of this charity as they've done some work with teens and parents in my area, I don't know for sure but they might be able to give you some guidance, obviously there are other charities as well who could help I'm just aware of this one
thebeyouproject.co.uk

For what it's worth I think you sound like a loving, caring mum who obviously has a good relationship with your ds and you're being sensible, not irresponsible. Ok it's not ideal 14-15 year olds potentially having sex but it's better to be realistic and prepared, telling a teen they can't have sex won't stop them if it's what they want. My mum turned a blind eye and when I had my first proper bf at 16 who was 3 years older than me and much more experienced, she took me to the Drs to get the contraceptive pill because she was terrified I'd get pregnant. No actual talking, nothing about consent, std's or even condoms. No mention of the emotional side of things, she just assumed I'd started having sex (I hadn't at that point) and was terrified I'd get pregnant over anything else. I just wanted someone to talk to, ask questions and talk about my emotions, I was actually really scared! I will absolutely be open and honest with my dd about sex and relationships when she's a teen.

Where in my OP did I say I was letting them lock themselves in a room?

Sorry, saw "closed door" and read "locked door". But the point still stands. He's allowed to have bf over when you're out and he knows you'll knock and wait, so there is no incentive for him not to have sex. You're implicitly consenting/facilitating sex in your house.

I wonder if OP had a 14 year old daughter left at home to “explore” with her 15 year old bf if people would be so keen on just throwing a handful of condoms at the situation? Why is that?

As I've said, it can't be avoided that DS is home alone some days after school etc, I don't allow him to invite the bf over but if he's already here there's not anything I can do. And if I had a 14 yo DD in a relationship with a boy, i’d be able to speak to his parents so again this also isn't the same situation.

What is it that you think the other parents can or should be doing about the behaviour in your house? If ds is inviting friends round without your permission surely there are consequences and surely there are rules for what they can or can’t do while you’re out? Next year when he’s 16 if he starts bringing home older young men is that going to be ok? You need to be thinking ahead about what you want it to be like not just this stage.

I don't allow him to invite the bf over but if he's already here there's not anything I can do.

What was the consequence you gave him the first time he invited him over when you were out, knowing he wasn't allowed to?

What have the the consequences been on subsequent occasions?

Then talk to him. Again. About how as soon as you go out, bf comes round and then the bedroom door is closed.

Comfort?!?!?!

If your ds shuts himself in his room with his bf and doesn’t answer the door straightaway, then I think he’s lying to you that he hasn’t had sex or some other sexual acts. I bet you would be more wary if your ds was straight because of the risk of teen pregnancy. However, sex (especially for children) can be incredibly emotional and something your ds isn’t prepared for.

There’s a lot of peer pressure that pushes children into doing things they’re not ready for. You should’ve prevented him from bringing over his bf, but the horse has bolted now.