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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy DS a box of condoms?

157 replies

shadvv · 03/12/2022 23:45

My son is 14, he's in a relationship with another boy, same school year but he's 15 - as DS will be in a few months. The boys parents don't know about his sexuality and I've told DS I won't say anything.

I've talked to him about the age of consent and making sure to use a condom when having sex to protect from STI's but he's told me they aren't yet.

I do suspect they are as there's been a few occasions where I've left DS alone to go out somewhere, when I get back an hour/ a few hours later he has his door closed so I knock and he tells me to wait a few minutes so I do and when DS tells me I can go in his bf is also with him.

I want to respect his privacy so I don't want to tell him he isn't allowed to close his bedroom door or tell him his bf isn't allowed over as the bf doesn't have a good home life so I've told him he's always welcome here. I don't want to embarrass DS by giving him a box of condoms especially as I don't know 100% they're having sex.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 04/12/2022 06:02

I think it is a good idea to have condoms available. You can give them to him specifically, or leave them in a shared bathroom for everyone.

Original poster
shadvv · 04/12/2022 06:40

As I said in my OP, I leave DS alone and when I come back his bf is over so I don't allow it or even know until I'm back. They are both mature but I know 14 is very young to be having sex. I would hope they aren't as DS has said but I suspect they are and I’d rather them be safe.

OP posts:
RambamThankyouMam · 04/12/2022 06:46

Would I be letting my underage son shag like an alleycat under my roof with a lad who frankly sounds like trouble? No.

Zanatdy · 04/12/2022 06:48

Yes I’d buy them, but I wouldn’t allow my daughter who is 14 to be in her bedroom with the door locked at 14. It’s illegal for a start, I’m certainly not going to encourage it happening at home. Of course we need to respect children’s privacy but locked in their room with a boy / girlfriend is the privacy they can have once they are 18.

Rainallnight · 04/12/2022 06:50

shadvv · 04/12/2022 06:40

As I said in my OP, I leave DS alone and when I come back his bf is over so I don't allow it or even know until I'm back. They are both mature but I know 14 is very young to be having sex. I would hope they aren't as DS has said but I suspect they are and I’d rather them be safe.

It sounds like he brings the bf over behind your back. Have you discussed rules around that?

rwalker · 04/12/2022 06:57

I think there’s 2 responses to this
the idealistic one where 14 is too young for sex and facilitating sex is a no

the realistic one you can make as many rules as you want in your house that would have zero impact on them doing it elsewhere

everything you’ve done is spot on they feel comfortable and safe
great that your son is comfortable enough to talk about it
I’d buy condoms and don’t forget lube give them to him . Point out condoms last 3 years there’s no rush
Sorry tmi boys being boys if half the packets missing there’s as much chance as them blowing them up and wanking with them as having sex

Doingmybest12 · 04/12/2022 08:17

I am a bit confused about if you think this is ok or not. If you like the other boy or not . What the rules are at your home and how you address if these aren't respected. What you worry about or not for your child. You can be realistic without being accepting of what is happening and facilitating what is happening. Is he just 14 is the other boy almost 16 years. All of this would make a difference to me rather than wondering about just providing condoms . The liklihood is they are available at school anyway .

Ponoka7 · 04/12/2022 08:23

Sex doesn't necessarily mean anal. I have gay male friends and they don't have anal until in a long term exclusive relationship. I think that you need to make sure were he is getting advice from.

Ponoka7 · 04/12/2022 08:27

"I’d buy condoms and don’t forget lube give them to him"

Would you do that for a fourteen year old daughter?

ElephantInTheKitchen · 04/12/2022 08:27

I'd sooner provide condoms than risk them having sex without them. As it's boys, I'd provide lube as well, with a conversation about it's many uses (i.e. it's not just for penetration).

LGBTQ sex education is still woefully lacking in schools. I would be prepared to find some resources for him about safer sex for young gay men; you can't assume the school will have covered it in anything like adequate detail.

WeyAyeMan · 04/12/2022 08:30

Yes get him the condoms. You're not encouraging him to have sex you're encouraging him to be safe.

Itisbetter · 04/12/2022 08:55

If your son (or daughter) is inviting friends back to your house to have sex at 14 then you need to step up and do some more parenting. If they’re inviting vulnerable lonely friends then doubley so for BOTH children. Whatever you read on line or elsewhere this ISN’T appropriate behaviour and certainly isn’t the age most people start sexual relationships simply because they aren’t mature enough.

worstusernameeverx2 · 04/12/2022 08:57

Itisbetter · 04/12/2022 00:26

Why are you letting two 14 year olds lock themselves into a room. The age of consent is 16. You tell him on no account and he have sex and fill his time with other things. 14 year olds are CHILDREN.

Like that's going to stop them...

Itisbetter · 04/12/2022 09:04

@worstusernameeverx2 well my youngest is nearly 16 so yes it does.

AndEverWhoKnew · 04/12/2022 09:08

Tbh condoms would be the least of my worries if my 14-yr-old was having an underage sexual relationship with someone who has a chaotic and unsupportive home life, and isn't publicly out. There are so many ways this can go badly. STIs aren't the only risk from having sex. The emotional fall-out especially when DCs are vulnerable and not comfortable with their sexuality can be horrendous.
This happened in my DSIS' school and what one boy thought was a mutually consensual relationship became about coercion, bullying, unwanted advances on the boy who wasn't out to his family, etc. If the parents that knew about it had been less cool and more responsible, both boys could have avoided the horrible homophobic bullying scandal that ensued.

minimarshmallowsmore · 04/12/2022 09:09

Itisbetter · 04/12/2022 09:04

@worstusernameeverx2 well my youngest is nearly 16 so yes it does.

What does that mean?

My boyfriend's parents wouldn't let us shut the door at his house when we were teens. We used to rush it when they were in the garden or at the shop or something. Or go down the woods or a friend's house or some public toilet somewhere. It was shit. We would have had better and safer sex if we'd been allowed to shut the door.

CornishGem1975 · 04/12/2022 09:11

Of course 14 is too young to be having sex, we all know that, but that doesn't mean 14 year olds WON'T have sex. It's not hard to remember being an impulsive teen.

If my parents had told me to not to have sex, I wouldn't have just said 'oh okay, now you've said that I won't', if I had wanted to do it, I would have. Regardless of location.

It's not 'facilitating' to talk about or encourage safe sex. When my daughter's relationship became long term, we went to the GP together to discuss options for contraception - even though she was nowhere near thinking about having sex. She was prepared and had access to contraception without having to have any difficult conversations when the time came.

SavingKitten · 04/12/2022 09:12

Your child is 14, if your rule is that he can’t have the door shut when his boyfriend is in there, and he breaks that rule, you don’t wait ‘a few minutes’ before opening the door as requested by him. Sounds like you don’t want to risk accidentally catching him out. Buy condoms by all means, it’s sensible, but I’d also encourage them not to have sex in your home. Right now he knows he can do it because you are ‘respecting his privacy’ while he’s breaking your rules. Would you be so relaxed if there was a risk he was getting a girl pregnant?

AndEverWhoKnew · 04/12/2022 09:14

All the research and stats show teens are waiting longer now to have sex. They're not repeating the mistakes of previous generations that rushed or were pressured into sex.

Limer · 04/12/2022 09:19

Definitely get him some condoms - even if he isn't having sex, he needs to practice how to use them.

Goatsanddogs · 04/12/2022 09:21

When my children were that age I bought a packet of condoms and put it in bathroom cabinet. Told them they were there if they needed them.

KimberleyClark · 04/12/2022 09:24

Ialwayswannasometimes · 04/12/2022 00:33

The age of consent being 16 is a lot more about protecting children from adults and a lot less about two 14 year olds doing whatever.
do you not remember being 14? I don't know anyone that wasn't sexually active in some way or another before 16. at that age, if they want to do it they'll find somewhere to do it so much better to openly talk about safe sex and educate them than try to ban it

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Are you really saying it’s normal for 14 year olds to be having sex? I certainly was not at that age. My DN is 14 and as far as I’m aware hasn’t even started dating yet.

karendrury · 04/12/2022 09:28

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SavingKitten · 04/12/2022 09:33

minimarshmallowsmore · 04/12/2022 09:09

What does that mean?

My boyfriend's parents wouldn't let us shut the door at his house when we were teens. We used to rush it when they were in the garden or at the shop or something. Or go down the woods or a friend's house or some public toilet somewhere. It was shit. We would have had better and safer sex if we'd been allowed to shut the door.

Show quote history

Maybe for you as you wanted sex, but his parents 100% did the right thing. At 14 I absolutely didn’t want to have sex or give
my boyfriend a blow job, had we been allowed to shut the door he would have expected it and I’d probably have ended up running out of excuses not to do it. There is a lot of peer pressure on kids to be sexually active before they are ready, it’s parents job to protect kids as well as making sure things like contraception are available.

karendrury · 04/12/2022 09:33

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