I don't find it funny

[aquateals]

Been seeing a man for a couple of months, going well so far. Not been to each other's houses yet.

I was the victim of a break in and assault last year and was attacked by a pair of scissors. I told him about this and showed me a photo of my injuries.

Later on that day he brought up coming over to my house to cook for me, I made a joke along the lines of you can't be too careful these days.

He said "don't worry I won't bring any scissors" as a joke. But I don't find it funny?

Am I overreacting? AIBU to be totally put off by him now?

She Mde a joke about something that had never happened and likely never will. He made a joke about a serious sexual assault she'd recently disclosed to him. Not really the same thing.

@aquateals - "You are completely wrong"

@aquateals - "This was hours later" /dripfeed

@aquateals - "You have misunderstood"

@aquateals - "Read my posts"

Yes what happened to you last year wasn't nice in the slightest, but it seemed like you set your guy up by initiating the joke. He responded to you in the way he did as he (correctly or incorrectly) thought that this was part of the joke. You're now weaponising his response as grounds for dumping him.

If I was the guy in this relationship, I would have actually dumped you instead. This is due to you gas-lighting him like what you're doing here on MN with your replies.

You can't imagine why a victim of a serious sexual assault might disclose to a guy she's romantically involved with that she was fairly recently sexually assaulted?

Personally I think maybe NAH.

YANBU to feel uncomfortable with your trauma being joked about, and to set a firm boundary about that. Be very clear. "It is not okay to joke about my assault ever."

HW(maybe)NBU to respond to your joke ("you can't be too careful" - which implies that he might be dangerous) with another (albeit distasteful) joke about a conversation that happened on the same day. His "joke" was bad, very bad imo, but it seems like it might have been a clumsy mistake?

I think it depends how he reacted/reacts when you express(ed) your discomfort and boundary. If he brushes it off as "it was just a joke, you're too sensitive", get rid immediately. If he listens, apologises, and doesn't do it again, maybe give him a pass. We all put our foot in our mouth occasionally.

That was a really bad joke and he may have felt bad once he had said it. I'd just move on, I sometimes make bad jokes too, then regret it. If he does it again though, tell him you don't find it funny at all. I think it was dumb, but harmless

I had to learn the hard way that trauma puts strain on relationships.

I's unreasonable to expect the other person to not mess up when handling it.

There are two people in a relationship, not one.

That's an abusive response which has no excuse.

If we are going to make allowances for people's poor behaviour in dating and relationships then anyone who abuses others can be excused by virtue of their own childhood abuse and trauma.

There is another person in this relationship who has been brought into this trauma by being shown very intimate details of the attack through photos of bruises.

They have their own perspective and reasons for their behaviour. They have been called all sorts of things on here, idiot, insensitive, etc. while discarding the fact that the OP is not actually going to be easy to date and is going to get upset with things.

No blame attached to this that's just the way it is.

This is not an instant get rid of him, it's a lets see if it's really a problem.

However, if she's not going to respect that relationships are give and take and at the very least communicate when something upsets her then she needs to let him go.

I have a dark sense of humour and that is the sort of thing I would say but about MYSElF. I certainly would not make a ‘joke’ like that, unless I know that person would accept it as humour… not sure if that makes
sense, as I don’t find someone being attacked so traumatically a funny thing. But the way I get through some of my darkest moments in life is with dark humour and I know my audience. My best friend of 20 years is just like me… Another friend of mine- not so much.

I think that was a dick move from him.

@HotChoxs just stop. Stop.

Your story changes as your comments go on, think you are totally over reacting and being very entitled and obnoxious

Aww :-)

"Get fucked"

You don't come across as being very intelligent do you.

I can completely understand why you are going to upset by this and your feelings are 100% valid - however, I do not think this guy meant to intentionally upset you, I think he was just simply following on from the initial joke you made

@Propagandalf And you come across as a heartless troll, here to pick on someone who got sexual assaulted in her own home. It’s a dilemma.

Really? Because I would immediately feel sad that for this person that was actually a true statement said as a joke. This thread shows what a diversity in emotional intelligence there is. And reading comprehension.

OP- if you like him tell him it felt jarring and upset you (if you haven’t already). His response will tell you if he is someone you can trust to respect your feelings in future.

She hasn’t gaslit any posters. Some (including you) didn’t read properly. It was perfectly clear. I’m really interested to hear how she’s been gaslighting her date. How has that happened?

What you said invited it into the ok to joke about space. He’s princely mortified if he’s hurt you. It’s a misunderstanding. Have a chat and a reset.

Surely most of us have made a terrible joke about something they shouldnt have. Sometimes its hard to decipher what other peoples limits are. Its always best to play it safe, but i think you learn that over the years.
That doesnt mean you need to forgive someone who massively offended you about a sensitive issue by making a flippant joke, but it also doesnt make him a terrible person either.

I see the gates at the cunt farm have been left open again.

Those who say posters on here don’t have the empathy to know you can’t joke about something so personal, even if she made the more generic joke first, may be correct but given the majority view, including mine, seems to be that he just continued the joke without any ill intent, I’d say that he deserves a serious conversation before being dumped. His reaction to that will give you all the information you need.

Of course you can end it for any reason at any time, but you might be giving up on a really decent guy if you don’t have that conversation.

I think understandably you are still very sensitive all round, including your responses to posters. I admit I read it as may others did and thought the “read my post” comments a bit unfair.

Quite.

Hopefully OP has checked out of the thread, as some of these comments are unspeakably stupid.

OP if you are still reading, just know that you deserve empathy and compassion and anyone who can't show that to you doesn't deserve your time.

The thread is not about her attack, it's about her relationship.

He made a joke which upset her. The solution is simple, communicate and see whether it was a misunderstanding and becomes a problem.

All you are doing on this thread is acting emotionally and being offensive to people.

How can you possibly say I have gaslit him when I haven't posted what my response was?

How have I gaslit posters?

You have read wrong and are now making a fool out of yourself.

The OP is unreasonable to share intimate details of the attack before 2 months of dating to the point of showing photos of bruises so and expect the person she is dating to deal with it without communicating to them when they've done something to upset them.

I never said they were bruises.

He asked to see the photo.

I never said I hadn't communicated to him how I felt.