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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't find it funny

270 replies

aquateals · 03/12/2022 19:18

Been seeing a man for a couple of months, going well so far. Not been to each other's houses yet.

I was the victim of a break in and assault last year and was attacked by a pair of scissors. I told him about this and showed me a photo of my injuries.

Later on that day he brought up coming over to my house to cook for me, I made a joke along the lines of you can't be too careful these days.

He said "don't worry I won't bring any scissors" as a joke. But I don't find it funny?

Am I overreacting? AIBU to be totally put off by him now?

OP posts:
Original poster
aquateals · 03/12/2022 19:28

Okay thank you.

I just didn't thing they were in the same magnitude.

OP posts:
Afterfire · 03/12/2022 19:29

Wtf?!! How can anyone think that was an appropriate things to say?? Yanbu- at all!

bunnypenny · 03/12/2022 19:29

Out of interest, when you said “you can’t be too careful these days” what were you implying about him?

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 03/12/2022 19:30

Jesus Christ I can't believe the replies. Of course YANBU. You should be able to joke about having him round without him referring to your traumatic sexual assault. No idea why that needs to be said!

Original poster
aquateals · 03/12/2022 19:30

bunnypenny · 03/12/2022 19:29

Out of interest, when you said “you can’t be too careful these days” what were you implying about him?

When the topic of going over to each other's houses before he's said things (jokes) like "oh you could be a serial killer" etc. so I was just following the running joke we already had.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 03/12/2022 19:33

I suppose he then continued the running joke. Not sure after what you had been through a running joke about potential serial killers would be funny. Maybe he thought you coped by engaging in dark humour

Original poster
aquateals · 03/12/2022 19:34

toomuchlaundry · 03/12/2022 19:33

I suppose he then continued the running joke. Not sure after what you had been through a running joke about potential serial killers would be funny. Maybe he thought you coped by engaging in dark humour

There wasn't a running joke about my violent sexual assault.

OP posts:
BecauseICan22 · 03/12/2022 19:35

aquateals · 03/12/2022 19:18

Been seeing a man for a couple of months, going well so far. Not been to each other's houses yet.

I was the victim of a break in and assault last year and was attacked by a pair of scissors. I told him about this and showed me a photo of my injuries.

Later on that day he brought up coming over to my house to cook for me, I made a joke along the lines of you can't be too careful these days.

He said "don't worry I won't bring any scissors" as a joke. But I don't find it funny?

Am I overreacting? AIBU to be totally put off by him now?

YOU made the first joke. He merely responded.

YABVVVVVU.

BecauseICan22 · 03/12/2022 19:35

notasillysausage · 03/12/2022 19:20

Absolutely not unreasonable. What a prick. Don’t have him round your house!

Sorry for what you went through, it sounds terrifying and traumatic. Anyone who makes light of it is not worth your time.

She made the joke first. Such hypocrisy.

Sparklfairy · 03/12/2022 19:36

Posters here are so ignorant.

Its very common for victims of trauma to "joke" about the things they fear. Even if she doesn't think he'll attack her, at the back of her mind after an assault like that there will undoubtedly be a low level fear/worry and "you never know".

Verbalising that thought as a joke is so common and does not make it ok that he made a joke about her deepest trauma and subsequent impact on her life. And being so specific too, anyone who has been through similar will know that mentioning the weapon is guaranteed to have a deep emotional reaction from OP.

Some of these replies are so dismissive it's disgusting.

Original poster
aquateals · 03/12/2022 19:36

She made the joke first. Such hypocrisy.

I accept this. I just felt like it was taken way too far. I wouldn't joke about someone's traumatic sexual assault under any circumstances.

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 03/12/2022 19:36

It does seem strange that you have a running joke about serial killers/violence when you have experienced a terrible assault.

Maybe that blurs the lines.

But I mean, on what planet does someone joke about the kind of weapon used to attack you last year. It isn't funny. It isn't something to be treated lightly in any way at all surely?!!

I hope it isn't a sign of his inability to empathise or understand even about other people's (fucking awful) experiences.

Original poster
aquateals · 03/12/2022 19:37

Sparklfairy · 03/12/2022 19:36

Posters here are so ignorant.

Its very common for victims of trauma to "joke" about the things they fear. Even if she doesn't think he'll attack her, at the back of her mind after an assault like that there will undoubtedly be a low level fear/worry and "you never know".

Verbalising that thought as a joke is so common and does not make it ok that he made a joke about her deepest trauma and subsequent impact on her life. And being so specific too, anyone who has been through similar will know that mentioning the weapon is guaranteed to have a deep emotional reaction from OP.

Some of these replies are so dismissive it's disgusting.

Thank you.Flowers

OP posts:
35965a · 03/12/2022 19:39

There are some things you just don’t joke about. He crossed a line with his ‘joke’ 100%.

dooneyousmugelf · 03/12/2022 19:41

Sorry you went through what you did. Sounds fucking horrific.

He went too far. YANBU to feel any type of way about it. Would you be unreasonable to dump him because of this one thing? I don't know. Depends on how he's being/whether he feels bad about it/whether he genuinely finds your trauma funny and something to continue alluding to jokingly.

GroggyLegs · 03/12/2022 19:41

If you found it off-putting, then that's fair enough.

But I really could see that being just a stupid throwaway comment from someone who hasn't fully comprehended what you've been through.

You could address it now - 'The scissors comment has been playing on my mind. I'm really not ready to joke about it & I don't think I ever will be' and see how he responds?

If he gets defensive 'it was just a joke' etc. Bin him off.

But if you're no longer comfortable, don't push through it just because some internet randoms said you were U.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 03/12/2022 19:42

I think it was a stupid, stupid comment by him and you are right to be disgusted. However it was probably a foot in mouth comment led by the fact you were both joking around the subject. I think you need to tell him very seriously that if he jokes about your assault again, or refers to it specifically in that piss taking way, that you will never ever see or speak to him again. That he is never ever to do that if he cares about you. And also resolve yourself not to joke around these issues if you're not comfortable (understandably) with any kind of messing about around it.

Thinkbiglittleone · 03/12/2022 19:42

I have to agree, you mentioned it/ joked about it first, he obviously just followed that lead.

Maybe he doesn't understand how trauma is displayed by your joking about and him not allowed to.

I do think you are being unreasonable to judge him based on this.

luckylavender · 03/12/2022 19:43

aquateals · 03/12/2022 19:21

I think by you saying you can’t be carful you sort of invited that joke.

This was hours later and a completely separate conversation.

That's not at all what your post says.

Original poster
aquateals · 03/12/2022 19:44

That's not at all what your post says.

Yes it is. I said: later on that day.

OP posts:
luckylavender · 03/12/2022 19:46

aquateals · 03/12/2022 19:44

That's not at all what your post says.

Yes it is. I said: later on that day.

Your post says:

Later on that day he brought up coming over to my house to cook for me, I made a joke along the lines of you can't be too careful these days.

He said "don't worry I won't bring any scissors" as a joke. But I don't find it funny?

You have made it seem it was part of the same conversation.

SkylightSkylight · 03/12/2022 19:47

You're treating him like a serial killer. He was trying to say he's not going to hurt you.

it doesn't sound like you're in a good place to be dating/starting relationships.

toomuchlaundry · 03/12/2022 19:47

So if he had said don’t worry I won’t bring an axe that would be acceptable?

I would have thought most serial killers of women would also commit sexual assault so for him it might be difficult to see the serial killer joke as something separate.

I am sorry for what you have been through

somuchtolearnabout · 03/12/2022 19:47

You're being far too uptight. It was clearly a joke, don't make it a bigger deal than it needs to be.

thelobsterquadrille · 03/12/2022 19:47

aquateals · 03/12/2022 19:26

Ok, fair enough maybe I invited it.

I just don't think a comment like that equates referencing the serious injuries and sexual assault I had told him about earlier.

But your comment implied he was dangerous and shouldn't be coming to your house as he can't be trusted.

How is that any better?