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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't find it funny

270 replies

aquateals · 03/12/2022 19:18

Been seeing a man for a couple of months, going well so far. Not been to each other's houses yet.

I was the victim of a break in and assault last year and was attacked by a pair of scissors. I told him about this and showed me a photo of my injuries.

Later on that day he brought up coming over to my house to cook for me, I made a joke along the lines of you can't be too careful these days.

He said "don't worry I won't bring any scissors" as a joke. But I don't find it funny?

Am I overreacting? AIBU to be totally put off by him now?

OP posts:
Taylorsversion · 03/12/2022 22:59

HotChoxs · 03/12/2022 21:51

Yeah well she dumped him on it already having hardly known him. She's no barrel of laughs is she. Not sure why anyone would want to act as her therapist, doesn't sound like much fun.

They are clearly not matched and she should let him off the hook.

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Let me know if you are ever stabbed and sexually assaulted in your own home, I'll pop over and try out my stand-up routine

BadNomad · 03/12/2022 22:59

HotChoxs · 03/12/2022 22:51

Were you there? No you weren't. You have no idea how he said it or what the intent was behind it, you have no idea why he said it. It's not easy for most people to deal with others trauma when they're dating.

It clearly wasn't funny to the OP but this would normally be dealt with by I don't find that funny followed by an apology. As I said this trauma will now become a feature of the relationship and most people are not equipped for that. It does not make them absolute idiots.

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How he said it and the intent behind saying it doesn't matter. It's the fact he thought it was appropriate to joke about at all is the issue. Decent people when made aware of someone's trauma will show sensitivity around it. Not make bloody jokes about it. This attack happened only a year ago. How stupid do you have to be to think she was sharing that to be a source of humour.

BadNomad · 03/12/2022 23:03

I don't think she did say it was a sexual assault, but that doesn't matter. Someone entered her home and violently assaulted her. That is frightening and violating. She doesn't deserve less sympathy because it didn't include SA and it still doesn't make it ok to joke about.

HotChoxs · 03/12/2022 23:04

BadNomad · 03/12/2022 22:59

How he said it and the intent behind saying it doesn't matter. It's the fact he thought it was appropriate to joke about at all is the issue. Decent people when made aware of someone's trauma will show sensitivity around it. Not make bloody jokes about it. This attack happened only a year ago. How stupid do you have to be to think she was sharing that to be a source of humour.

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He may have been attempting to make her laugh about it to make her feel better.

The fact that people don't understand that when you care about someone and see them in pain you may do something to try and make them feel better which ends up making it worse is more shocking to me than the joke itself.

The fact this wasn't resolved with a conversation after the joke means they should part ways.

saleorbouy · 03/12/2022 23:06

YABU, he was just making a light hearted comment, you took it the wrong way unfortunately.

Cheeseandlobster · 03/12/2022 23:07

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 03/12/2022 19:30

Jesus Christ I can't believe the replies. Of course YANBU. You should be able to joke about having him round without him referring to your traumatic sexual assault. No idea why that needs to be said!

This. What the fuck is wrong with people on here? How the hell would you like it if you were attacked in your home and someone else joked about it? What is next. Joking about rape then saying its OK because it was alluded to a while ago? Fucking disgusting. Shame on the lot of you condoning this

beatsin8s · 03/12/2022 23:09

Appleandoranges · 03/12/2022 22:53

i find some of the responses here unbelievable. Of course op deserves sensitivity, tact and a great deal of understanding. It’s dark sense of humour if it’s a comedian talking about someone generic snd it’s said in the spirit of a story. It’s completely lacking in empathy and hurtful to say what he did to a victim of a recent assault. He might not have meant it!. Would you joke about child illness or death to a parent whose child is in hospital?

I think why people have split opinions here (I'll use your example) is that parents wouldn't be joking about illness or death, whereas the OP was joking about dangerous strangers in her house. No one actually knows if he thought he was joking like she wanted or being horrible. I'm very dark humoured and use it as a coping mechanism, I have a couple of friends who have different traumatic experiences and we do make light of each others (we also have serious conversations too but can laugh about things - it helps us). He could have had traumatic experiences he hasn't disclosed yet and that's how he deals with it. My point is, no one knows.

I also think that it's not right that others who have experienced trauma are called names because they don't immediately agree this man is the devil. He may be or maybe he's thoughtless, either way if OP isn't happy she can end it for any reason.

gbconfused · 03/12/2022 23:11

You didn't over react. He's trivialised an abhorrent event. Regardless of the joke you made it's not appropriate.

Geville · 03/12/2022 23:11

It’s inappropriate. Trust your instincts. I would be shocked.

pinheadlarry · 03/12/2022 23:11

He joked about you being stabbed and sexually assaulted??
He definitely did not think that joke thru, or maybe he is just callous

HotChoxs · 03/12/2022 23:13

Cheeseandlobster · 03/12/2022 23:07

This. What the fuck is wrong with people on here? How the hell would you like it if you were attacked in your home and someone else joked about it? What is next. Joking about rape then saying its OK because it was alluded to a while ago? Fucking disgusting. Shame on the lot of you condoning this

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I've been through similar trauma and can joke about it now. It's something that allowed me to heal.

There's a level of anger and abuse in yours and other peoples posts towards the guy making the joke and anyone who doesn't side with the OP which is far from reasonable

BadNomad · 03/12/2022 23:13

HotChoxs · 03/12/2022 23:04

He may have been attempting to make her laugh about it to make her feel better.

The fact that people don't understand that when you care about someone and see them in pain you may do something to try and make them feel better which ends up making it worse is more shocking to me than the joke itself.

The fact this wasn't resolved with a conversation after the joke means they should part ways.

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Are you serious...? Why would some guy making a joke about something horrendous that happened to her make her feel better? This isn't her reversing her car into a lamppost level of trauma. This was a violent assault on her body. In her own home. How, in anyone's brain, does it make sense to think that might make someone laugh..

StarbucksSmarterSister · 03/12/2022 23:15

He's an absolute dick. Whatever you said, he made a joke based upon what you'd told him about being assaulted. What kind of person does that?

BatshitBanshee · 03/12/2022 23:15

YANBU and you're not overreacting. I think your reaction is proportionate given the context of your trauma - which he knew about. A violent sexual assault is not something to joke about but I'm hoping it was kind of out of his mouth before he had a chance to stop it and he's thoughtless rather than a callous bastard.

Running joke about serial killers is one thing but to add in about a real life traumatic assault is just... No words for that.

HotChoxs · 03/12/2022 23:18

BadNomad · 03/12/2022 23:13

Are you serious...? Why would some guy making a joke about something horrendous that happened to her make her feel better? This isn't her reversing her car into a lamppost level of trauma. This was a violent assault on her body. In her own home. How, in anyone's brain, does it make sense to think that might make someone laugh..

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You're missing the point. It's easy to sit here on a forum and judge, you are not the shoes of the person that is making the joke.

Maybe they found it an awkward situation and didn't know what to do so made a joke. There could be all sorts of innocuous reasons that this ended up being clumsy.

There should have been a conversation that took place there and then to get to the bottom of it. If the two people can't communicate then there's no point going on.

Goingforarun · 03/12/2022 23:19

He should never had said the word ‘scissors’ I don’t know where you go from there. All the best

foxlover47 · 03/12/2022 23:28

Sorry for what you went through , I wouldn't appreciate his comment after you had told
Him.
Sure There's dark humour but using the weapon of a persons assault to be funny , to the person who was assaulted ,is just not ok for me

Spoodee · 03/12/2022 23:32

This is the sort of joke I would make. I joke about my own traumas to stay sane and often forget people may not have the same dark coping strategies in humour as I do. I would feel awful if I knew I upset someone but I would honestly be trying to bond with them, not upset them.

Pirrin · 03/12/2022 23:36

I think I have also misunderstood as I too am confused by what seems like the story changing.

It doesn't matter though. You were there and felt put off. If that hasn't changed with talking it through on here then listen to your gut. Maybe there was something about rhe way he said it that you can't convey here. If I've learnt anything its to listen to your own feelings and be careful about letting others dismiss things on your behalf when you talk through your concerns.

marvingale · 03/12/2022 23:46

Honestly, based on one comment you are writing him off?? It sounds like you like him and for several months enjoying each other's company. Don't be silly. Of course it's important that your feelings have a space and are validated, but why not just share with how his comment made you feel? He will likely apologise and feel a bit bad but then you can both move on better and stronger, knowing that you can talk through difficult moments..

Cheeseandlobster · 03/12/2022 23:48

HotChoxs · 03/12/2022 23:13

I've been through similar trauma and can joke about it now. It's something that allowed me to heal.

There's a level of anger and abuse in yours and other peoples posts towards the guy making the joke and anyone who doesn't side with the OP which is far from reasonable

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Its only funny if both parties find it amusing. The op didn't and its her trauma.

HotChoxs · 03/12/2022 23:57

Cheeseandlobster · 03/12/2022 23:48

Its only funny if both parties find it amusing. The op didn't and its her trauma.

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Which I totally agree with. The OP is not unreasonable for being upset about the joke.

The OP is unreasonable to share intimate details of the attack before 2 months of dating to the point of showing photos of bruises so and expect the person she is dating to deal with it without communicating to them when they've done something to upset them.

allboysherebutme · 04/12/2022 00:04

You started it. X

onlythreenow · 04/12/2022 00:12

YABU. You made a joke, he made a joke back, but according to you he is in the wrong. He wasn't making light of your assault, but presumably felt his remark would be okay in light of you saying "you can't be too careful". What you went through must have been horrific, but you seem to be letting it define you for the rest of your life.

louderthan · 04/12/2022 00:43

I don't think either of you make very good jokes tbh...
However I would feel very uncomfortable if I were in your position, so on balance YANBU.