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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't find it funny

270 replies

aquateals · 03/12/2022 19:18

Been seeing a man for a couple of months, going well so far. Not been to each other's houses yet.

I was the victim of a break in and assault last year and was attacked by a pair of scissors. I told him about this and showed me a photo of my injuries.

Later on that day he brought up coming over to my house to cook for me, I made a joke along the lines of you can't be too careful these days.

He said "don't worry I won't bring any scissors" as a joke. But I don't find it funny?

Am I overreacting? AIBU to be totally put off by him now?

OP posts:
HotChoxs · 03/12/2022 22:23

LaPhroiagPrince · 03/12/2022 22:16

Absolutely agree with this, I think he made light of a specific absolutely terrible thing that happened to you, whereas your remark was in the general context of dating. Also I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I can not believe some of the replies on here. He sounds utterly crass and I think you deserve much better.

Show quote history

The OP doesn't have a monopoly on terrible things happening to them and trauma.

Either we find people who similar things have happened to or we don't start going into with people who wouldn't have a clue what it is or feels like. To expect everyone to be highly sensitive and deal with things in the way we like is just no realistic.

To me she sounds like she wants something specific from this relationship by bringing it up. That's fine, but don't make someone else out to be unreasonable for not being capable of it. Either accept they don't have the experience to relate or move on.

Flowersinspringgrowwild · 03/12/2022 22:28

I’m getting angrier and angrier as I read this thread. OP YANBU. AT ALL. The pp saying you are can go fuck themselves.

Flowersinspringgrowwild · 03/12/2022 22:29

HotChoxs · 03/12/2022 22:23

The OP doesn't have a monopoly on terrible things happening to them and trauma.

Either we find people who similar things have happened to or we don't start going into with people who wouldn't have a clue what it is or feels like. To expect everyone to be highly sensitive and deal with things in the way we like is just no realistic.

To me she sounds like she wants something specific from this relationship by bringing it up. That's fine, but don't make someone else out to be unreasonable for not being capable of it. Either accept they don't have the experience to relate or move on.

Show quote history

Hahaha sexual assault stop being so sensitive everyone

moksorineouimoksori · 03/12/2022 22:31

HotChoxs, suffering the trauma of a break in and assault is a perfectly valid reason for struggling in relationships, and it is NOT OP's fault.

You, however, have absolutely no excuse for saying such vile and disgusting things.

StellaAndCrow · 03/12/2022 22:32

I'm so sorry that such an awful assault happened to you. xx

Flowersinspringgrowwild · 03/12/2022 22:34

I’ve reported this thread because I’m so disgusted. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything as bad as this and that’s saying something for MN

HotChoxs · 03/12/2022 22:36

moksorineouimoksori · 03/12/2022 22:31

HotChoxs, suffering the trauma of a break in and assault is a perfectly valid reason for struggling in relationships, and it is NOT OP's fault.

You, however, have absolutely no excuse for saying such vile and disgusting things.

Yes it's not their fault, but it's not the guys fault either is it.

I haven't said anything vile and disgusting, I've said that most people won't be able to deal with this.

I find it vile and disgusting that you're now insulting someone who's had similar struggles with relationships and is pointing this out.

LaPhroiagPrince · 03/12/2022 22:38

I've been in the situation of trying to date again after serious sexual assault, and trying to gauge how trustworthy someone is by disclosing some of this. In my experience a general inability to imagine how someone might feel, as evidenced by joking about the specifics of an assault is a bit of a red flag, in response to a more general remark about being careful. We don't all have to have experienced specific events to know how to be sensitive about someone else's experience. When you're deciding whether to go to someone's house or if they come to yours for the first time, it's a big deal.
I think he is a bit unreasonable and I'd be wary because that lack of imagination indicated that he might generally not have much empathy, (which might be workable with) or worse.
I found it hard to trust my own judgement after the first assault. I tended to minimise what had happened. Understanding how much trust to place in people is very hard to do for any of us at any time.

moksorineouimoksori · 03/12/2022 22:39

Dump him for his own good.
She's no barrel of laughs is she. Not sure why anyone would want to act as her therapist, doesn't sound like much fun.
Your words. And awful ones.

RWB9 · 03/12/2022 22:39

It doesn’t really matter what we think.

You’re upset enough by the joke to come on here, type it out and defend your upset to others several times over. You’re clearly not feeling as into it as you were and that’s fine. Just end things now, it’s pretty obvious what you want to do. Otherwise you’re going to be 2 months down the line, in an argument and you’ll bring it up.

maddy68 · 03/12/2022 22:41

It was a joke. You are being over sensitive

threecupsofteaminimum · 03/12/2022 22:41

Perhaps he has a dark sense of humour, I know people who would find it funny and others who wouldn't.

I'd give him another chance.

HotChoxs · 03/12/2022 22:42

moksorineouimoksori · 03/12/2022 22:39

Dump him for his own good.
She's no barrel of laughs is she. Not sure why anyone would want to act as her therapist, doesn't sound like much fun.
Your words. And awful ones.

Harsh but true and I'm not going to sugar coat it. God knows I took far too much out on my partners when I expected them to deal with all my trauma.

Appleandoranges · 03/12/2022 22:43

I think a lot of these responses to the thread are flippant without truly appreciating horror you went through. His remark suggests he does not understand either. You need to tell him you don’t appreciate what he said. Sorry for what you went through. Wish you the best.

Mulhollandmagoo · 03/12/2022 22:44

It would 100% give me the ick I think OP! it was a bit of a distasteful thing to joke about.

BadNomad · 03/12/2022 22:45

HotChoxs · 03/12/2022 21:51

Yeah well she dumped him on it already having hardly known him. She's no barrel of laughs is she. Not sure why anyone would want to act as her therapist, doesn't sound like much fun.

They are clearly not matched and she should let him off the hook.

Show quote history

So, tell us, how soon after being violently assaulted in our own homes does it become funny? He wasn't "laughing about it", he was making jokes about it! Laughing about it would have been laughing at her joking about it. Only an absolute idiot would think it is ok to make fun of someone else's trauma.

RWB9 · 03/12/2022 22:45

Also, in some commenters defence. The OP didn’t actually mention sexual assault in the question. Some may be reading that, not reading the 7 pages of replies and directly replying to original question.

beatsin8s · 03/12/2022 22:46

It could be that telling him was still weighing on his mind. I know if someone I cared about disclosed that to me I would still be thinking about it for a long time after and wouldn't know exactly how I should act. I know you said that there was a running joke about serial killers but I'd probably be thinking you were referring to what you'd said earlier and think 'ok, she must be wanting to make light out of it so I'll go along with it' or even that perhaps you joined in with the long running serial killer thing was because of what happened to you and I'm only just finding out the reason.

Or he could be a disgusting human being and said it deliberately to upset you.

Only you know how you feel and you don't need evidence for you to dump him, your feelings are enough.

Before anyone jumps on me for my first paragraph, I have been both raped and sexually assaulted so I thought about this before I posted, including how it has gone when I've told someone my experiences. I still wouldn't be sure how I would act if someone told me because I didn't really know myself what I wanted when I disclosed (if that makes sense!).

You can tell him how you felt if you're unsure how to proceed and gauge his reaction, or you can decide this is something you will not see past and leave it there. Whatever you decide will be the right thing for you and that's all that matters.

LadyMarmaladeAtkins · 03/12/2022 22:47

Depends what he's like in general. If this is part of a pattern, yuck. If this was one isolated incident and is otherwise lovely and didn't overreact when you explained why you didn't like it (or when you do if you haven't yet) then he might be okay.

Comtesse · 03/12/2022 22:49

what he said was horrible and very thoughtless - yanbu

CaptainThe95thRifles · 03/12/2022 22:49

I don't think it's funny given the context, but I can completely see how someone would make this joke innocently, even though some would find it inappropriately. People do respond to trauma in different ways and what one person finds acceptable, another won't. If the OP finds it a deal breaker, that's fair enough - incompatible humour is a perfectly decent reason to end an early relationship.

HotChoxs · 03/12/2022 22:51

BadNomad · 03/12/2022 22:45

So, tell us, how soon after being violently assaulted in our own homes does it become funny? He wasn't "laughing about it", he was making jokes about it! Laughing about it would have been laughing at her joking about it. Only an absolute idiot would think it is ok to make fun of someone else's trauma.

Show quote history

Were you there? No you weren't. You have no idea how he said it or what the intent was behind it, you have no idea why he said it. It's not easy for most people to deal with others trauma when they're dating.

It clearly wasn't funny to the OP but this would normally be dealt with by I don't find that funny followed by an apology. As I said this trauma will now become a feature of the relationship and most people are not equipped for that. It does not make them absolute idiots.

Appleandoranges · 03/12/2022 22:53

i find some of the responses here unbelievable. Of course op deserves sensitivity, tact and a great deal of understanding. It’s dark sense of humour if it’s a comedian talking about someone generic snd it’s said in the spirit of a story. It’s completely lacking in empathy and hurtful to say what he did to a victim of a recent assault. He might not have meant it!. Would you joke about child illness or death to a parent whose child is in hospital?

beastlyslumber · 03/12/2022 22:54

That's awful, YANBU.

His response shows you that you can't really trust him with sensitive information. You told him something really personal and traumatising, and his response was to joke about it.

It was an awful, insensitive and cruel 'joke' to make. Pp saying it was just a joke - would you really joke about something so utterly terrifying and dehumanising happening to someone you care about? At best, it was incredibly tone-deaf and completely insensitive.

Just ditch him. Think of it as a test, which he failed.

threecupsofteaminimum · 03/12/2022 22:55

I didn't see the scissor assault was sexual, am very sorry if that's the case and I'd be upset too.