I don't find it funny

[aquateals]

Been seeing a man for a couple of months, going well so far. Not been to each other's houses yet.

I was the victim of a break in and assault last year and was attacked by a pair of scissors. I told him about this and showed me a photo of my injuries.

Later on that day he brought up coming over to my house to cook for me, I made a joke along the lines of you can't be too careful these days.

He said "don't worry I won't bring any scissors" as a joke. But I don't find it funny?

Am I overreacting? AIBU to be totally put off by him now?

I'm sorry but I agree with this. Your experience sounds horrendous though and if the "joke" had been made in isolation I'd say yanbu.

Op, here you say that was a separate conversation to a PP quoting 'you cant be careful joke'.

Then you clarify about 'attack counversation' at different time.

So why are you being aggressive with posters? Anyone can make a mistake, and you did in the part I quoted, but you have such unforgiving attitude to the posters you think who have misunderstood your posts.

To make reference to an ordeal like that, even in a light hearted seeming way, is not an invitation to a response like his.

God, imagine telling a victim of a serious crime she’s ‘hard work’ for not finding it funny when someone jokes about attacking her with the same weapon.

I read your post as intended, OP. It wasn’t that hard to understand. I think jokes like ‘you can’t be too careful’ are banal - I’ve said similar and my friends have said similar to me. There’s other ways to reply, but making a joke about the assault after only hearing about it hours before is weird and going to be disarming. He was probably just tactless but it doesn’t make the OP feel better about it.

I have a dark humour so would probably have laughed. I completely understand why you didn’t though ♥️

id say it was a badly thought joke that was not made maliciously, but if you cant get past it, then thats fair enough. Its a new boyfriend. Not a marriage that you need to work at.

What would people get out of making false statements? You tend to assume negative of people's intentions based on how you are responding to some posters here.

Only you can judge him better as you know how he interacts with you on other occasions. Your experience was horrible and making jokes about serial killer same day you told him about your attack was in poor taste. Also, in your OP you mentioned attack but in later posts you added sexual attack, I
responses might have been different if in your original post you had mentioned sexual attack as well.

Sure.

I actually don’t think you’re overreacting and I do think he took it too far.

The thing is what does your gut say? Would you feel comfortable seeing him going forward or are you put off him enough to end things?

I read it as the OP telling her new BF about a violent attack and then later that day the "you can't be too careful / scissors" conversation happened.

The OP's remark "you can't be too careful" was generic and part of ongoing banter, the reply about the scissors relates to a sexual attack the OP suffered and had only hours before told him about.

At best thoughtless, insensitive and bloody stupid. At worst quite manipulative and calculated.

@aquateals if you like this guy and things have been positive thus far, I'd be inclined to have a conversation about it. Hopefully it was just stupidity and he understands why it wasn't fucking funny.

It doesn't matter if she "joked" about it, he was insensitive to joke about her trauma. It's her trauma, not his.

this -- it sounds like you were referencing your terrible previous trauma when you said "you can't be too careful these days" and he replied with a joke in kind. I think it was a misunderstanding on both sides.

Do people actually think it's ok to joke about other people's trauma? Someone you've only known for two months...

How about -

SA victim: "Well, I'm not going near parks any time soon."
Dickhead: "Just don't wear a short skirt haha"

It was a bit clumsy and distasteful but considering what you said I can see why he said it. To be honest I am the type of person to make light of bad situations and while I appreciate that not everyone is the same, I think he thought you were by what you said. I think you’re over reacting.

YABU, probably said it to try and help you feel better about it. Obviously you don't but that's not the point.

Dump him for his own good.

Laughter is a great way to heal. Many have assigned sinister reasons for the joke, perhaps he thought laughing about it would help.

Personally if she's going to be suspicious of intent all the time, I'd pick up on it and end the relationship as life's too short to take on such heaviness.

Yeah well she dumped him on it already having hardly known him. She's no barrel of laughs is she. Not sure why anyone would want to act as her therapist, doesn't sound like much fun.

They are clearly not matched and she should let him off the hook.

• dumped it on him. Personally I don't know why anyone would bring this into a relationship after only a couple a months. I'd consider that a flag.

I haven't read the full thread, so apologies if this has already been said.
YANU to be upset by the comment, but what happened next would be far more telling. If he was mortified and realised he'd overstepped, I'd be OK with it. If he tried to laugh it off as "just kidding/ banter/ stop taking everything so seriously", my reaction would be very different.

@aquateals you are being unreasonable. You made a joke and he replied in the same spirit. Don't let the past assault ruin your future relationships by over-reacting. If you feel fragile, seek professional counselling, rather than taking it out on him, and don't listen to the Mumsnet man-haters.

What a terrifying experience 💐

I understand why you didn't like his comment. I also understand that he may have made it in a clumsy way, thinking that dark humour is part of how you deal with your trauma, and either didn't think, or thought he was acknowledging your specific fears in kind.

If you'd like to try and salvage this, perhaps have an open conversation saying that you know you have joked about serial killers etc, but were taken aback by a joke referencing the specifics of your attack. See how he responds. If not, that's fine. Let him know it's not working for you.

I cannot believe some of these replies. There is a difference between the victim of an horrendous assault making a joke about it (perhaps deflecting her feelings about being nervous about trusting letting someone into her home ) and the other person 'joking' about attacking her with the same weapon that was used in her assault.

I hope you are ok OP. I would give seeing this person some thought. The idea you need to accommodate this 'banter', even if we are generous and say he just 'over-stepped' with his sparkling wit is false. You are allowed to feel put off by him. Trust your own feelings.

Yep they have to have a conversation about it now.

So the relationship has already been defined by her trauma. It's one thing to mention it early on, it's another thing to go into details of the attack.

This may come as a shock but most people wouldn't know how to handle this after knowing someone for a couple of months, and most people wouldn't want to go so far into it.

Either she needs to keep a lid on it until she heals enough to not have this as a feature of her life or she needs to find someone with shared trauma that's sensitive to how she feels.

Absolutely agree with this, I think he made light of a specific absolutely terrible thing that happened to you, whereas your remark was in the general context of dating. Also I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I can not believe some of the replies on here. He sounds utterly crass and I think you deserve much better.

It’s hard to comment OP as I find it a bit confusing to know why you said ‘you can’t be too careful’ and whether your comment and his were responses in the same conversation. .