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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't find it funny

270 replies

aquateals · 03/12/2022 19:18

Been seeing a man for a couple of months, going well so far. Not been to each other's houses yet.

I was the victim of a break in and assault last year and was attacked by a pair of scissors. I told him about this and showed me a photo of my injuries.

Later on that day he brought up coming over to my house to cook for me, I made a joke along the lines of you can't be too careful these days.

He said "don't worry I won't bring any scissors" as a joke. But I don't find it funny?

Am I overreacting? AIBU to be totally put off by him now?

OP posts:
HotChoxs · 04/12/2022 11:25

aquateals · 04/12/2022 11:20

The OP is unreasonable to share intimate details of the attack before 2 months of dating to the point of showing photos of bruises so and expect the person she is dating to deal with it without communicating to them when they've done something to upset them.

I never said they were bruises.

He asked to see the photo.

I never said I hadn't communicated to him how I felt.

My apologies, injuries not bruises.

Is there any particular reason you have not posted details of the subsequent conversation?

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/12/2022 17:27

Fucking hell. Why are some posters being so aggressive, nit-picking and unsupportive of the survivor of an assault like this?!

HotChoxs · 04/12/2022 18:44

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/12/2022 17:27

Fucking hell. Why are some posters being so aggressive, nit-picking and unsupportive of the survivor of an assault like this?!

Did the person she's dating assault her or something?

She doesn't like his sense of humour so she can dump him for it if she wants.

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/12/2022 18:44

@HotChoxs RTFT.

Sunshine275 · 04/12/2022 19:04

You made a joke about the situation and he responded with a joke. I don’t think my any means he meant to upset you. Just explain it did, I’m sure he won’t do it again.

TurkeyTrouble · 04/12/2022 19:22

I'm so so sorry for what you went through.

stainesmassif · 04/12/2022 19:26

I read the first page and came to the last page to say sorry people are being unkind to you in their responses. Such a lack of empathy. Maybe he made a crap joke, maybe he's a dick, but you'll find out when you tell him how you feel. You did not 'invite' that comment. talk about victim blaming!

Noodles1234 · 04/12/2022 19:26

I feel you kind of invited a remark by your initial joke, he was just tying it in to your previous conversation. Possibly nerves at your first talk to seeing your home. Probably humour I’d not want frequently, but humour can be taken many ways. Maybe mention you felt it a little odd.

Silversaxo · 04/12/2022 19:26

It was a joke. YABU. If you are so sensitive about it, perhaps don’t tell anybody else.

ReallyTiredAndHungry · 04/12/2022 19:41

YABU

He will have assumed you were referring to your attack when making your initial joke, so followed up with a relevant joke.

Maybe you’re not ready for dating if this is what you’re acting like

KatyClair · 04/12/2022 19:44

aquateals · 03/12/2022 19:21

I think by you saying you can’t be carful you sort of invited that joke.

This was hours later and a completely separate conversation.

Well you didn’t make that clear in your message and it’s obviously a joke. Why is it ok for you to joke but not him?

Shed66 · 04/12/2022 19:47

I’m sorry you went through that awful experience. As someone that has been in a similar situation as you, I get it. You used humour to ease any awkwardness & he just followed. Please don’t be too hard on him. Some people can be awkward around people that have gone through a traumatic experience. Seeing those photos, as someone that cares about you, would’ve affected him in ways he’s not yet sharing with you, the main emotion being anger! Your humour was most likely a relief to him & helped him expel some of his own feelings on the subject by following up with humour… & I swear I’m speaking from experience here. As your relationship develops I’m sure you’ll approach the subject again & you can both share your true feelings about it.

beatsin8s · 04/12/2022 19:53

Shed66 · 04/12/2022 19:47

I’m sorry you went through that awful experience. As someone that has been in a similar situation as you, I get it. You used humour to ease any awkwardness & he just followed. Please don’t be too hard on him. Some people can be awkward around people that have gone through a traumatic experience. Seeing those photos, as someone that cares about you, would’ve affected him in ways he’s not yet sharing with you, the main emotion being anger! Your humour was most likely a relief to him & helped him expel some of his own feelings on the subject by following up with humour… & I swear I’m speaking from experience here. As your relationship develops I’m sure you’ll approach the subject again & you can both share your true feelings about it.

This was my take on it too.

Stressedmum2017 · 04/12/2022 19:53

You made into a joke first so he thought it was safe territory. Even the joke he made wasn't close to the mark so yeah you are being unreasonable. If you are that sensitive about it you should probably should just not tell people.

CountZacular · 04/12/2022 19:55

KatyClair · 04/12/2022 19:44

Well you didn’t make that clear in your message and it’s obviously a joke. Why is it ok for you to joke but not him?

Show quote history

It’s her real life trauma and not his. And her joke was more generic in nature. His joke was more personal about what had happened. It’s not that difficult to understand.

I can’t get my head around people saying it’s fine. If someone really told you they’d had their home broken into and was sexual attacked with scissors, you honestly suggest an appropriate response to ‘you can’t be too careful these days’ would be to make a joke regarding scissors. - only hours after being told? Like would you as a person actually do that? Because I’m finding it hard to understand the complete lack of emotional intelligence on this thread.

beastlyslumber · 04/12/2022 20:06

So many posters on this thread are completely emotionally illiterate.

I hope you're okay, OP.

1HappyTraveller · 04/12/2022 21:47

YANBU it’s how you feel. As ill judged as the joke may be, that’s his sense of humour. You just have to decide if you are happy with it or not 🤷‍♀️

Obviously it was a traumatic experience for you so I can see why you would not be happy.

Sickofcoughing · 04/12/2022 22:09

It was a joke yes. Does that make it ok?

If one of OP's parents died in a fire when she was young would it be ok to make a joke that he wouldn't throw the other one in too?

Btw, I'd actually written something about children above then deleted it because I couldn't even bear to have a hypothetical situation written by me in case someone read the words who had experienced something like that.

He didn't mentally put himself in her shoes before he spoke, that's obvious.

He could have been cursing himself afterwards or he could think it's grand to joke about this now.

OP up to you if you want to bother him again but I think you should definitely tell him you didn't find it funny.

If he reassures you then give him a chance.

If he stubbornly defends himself then give him a swerve permanently. He's more interested in being right than caring about you.

I'm so sorry about what you went through.

ReallyTiredAndHungry · 04/12/2022 22:11

Sickofcoughing · 04/12/2022 22:09

It was a joke yes. Does that make it ok?

If one of OP's parents died in a fire when she was young would it be ok to make a joke that he wouldn't throw the other one in too?

Btw, I'd actually written something about children above then deleted it because I couldn't even bear to have a hypothetical situation written by me in case someone read the words who had experienced something like that.

He didn't mentally put himself in her shoes before he spoke, that's obvious.

He could have been cursing himself afterwards or he could think it's grand to joke about this now.

OP up to you if you want to bother him again but I think you should definitely tell him you didn't find it funny.

If he reassures you then give him a chance.

If he stubbornly defends himself then give him a swerve permanently. He's more interested in being right than caring about you.

I'm so sorry about what you went through.

If one of OPs parents had died in a fire and she had made a joke herself about it that kind of lead up to a similar joke from the boyfriend, then yes, that would also not be unreasonable.

Context is key. The OP made a joke, he merely followed it up with a relevant comment

Sickofcoughing · 04/12/2022 22:11

Some of the replies here are disgusting. You know there's a real life person at the other end? A person who was sexually assaulted in her own home with scissors? And you're forcing her to defend her inability to laugh about it.

Sickofcoughing · 04/12/2022 22:14

ReallyTiredAndHungry · 04/12/2022 22:11

If one of OPs parents had died in a fire and she had made a joke herself about it that kind of lead up to a similar joke from the boyfriend, then yes, that would also not be unreasonable.

Context is key. The OP made a joke, he merely followed it up with a relevant comment

Show quote history

Of course it would be unreasonable.

A person makes a 'joke' about something horrific in their life you don't respond with a better one. You put your arm around them and give them a hung.

Seriously what is wrong with people?

Sickofcoughing · 04/12/2022 22:15

KatyClair · 04/12/2022 19:44

Well you didn’t make that clear in your message and it’s obviously a joke. Why is it ok for you to joke but not him?

Show quote history

It's ok for her because it's her personal and very painful experience, not his.

NormalNans · 04/12/2022 22:26

Sickofcoughing · 04/12/2022 22:15

It's ok for her because it's her personal and very painful experience, not his.

Show quote history

But if you’re having a conversation with someone and you make a joke about something you can’t judge them for following that up. It implies that this is OK.

Of course it’s not his trauma to joke about but he didn’t come in blindly to this. If he had, everyone’s responses would have been very different

toomuchlaundry · 04/12/2022 22:28

Was he meant not to say anything if OP was making a joke?

Stomacharmeleon · 04/12/2022 22:39

It is AIBU?