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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't find it funny

270 replies

aquateals · 03/12/2022 19:18

Been seeing a man for a couple of months, going well so far. Not been to each other's houses yet.

I was the victim of a break in and assault last year and was attacked by a pair of scissors. I told him about this and showed me a photo of my injuries.

Later on that day he brought up coming over to my house to cook for me, I made a joke along the lines of you can't be too careful these days.

He said "don't worry I won't bring any scissors" as a joke. But I don't find it funny?

Am I overreacting? AIBU to be totally put off by him now?

OP posts:
Bee16 · 03/12/2022 20:36

@moksorineouimoksori
A PP said "I think by you saying you can’t be carful you sort of invited that joke"

OP responded "this was hours later and a completely separate conversation".
Now she's saying they were the same conversation, so I don't think you can blame the guy for also making a similar jokey comment.

BoredatHome321 · 03/12/2022 20:36

I think what you said was strange and probably did invite the joke but I also think he crossed the line as his joke was personal to your previous traumatic experience. He didn't have to make it so personal.

Nothingbuttheglory · 03/12/2022 20:36

I think YANBU at all to not find it funny. It sounds like you've been through hell and you don't have to have a sense of humour about it.

The key question for me is: how did he react when you told him you didn't like it?

Because if he just accepted it and apologised and didn't do it again then I think that's OK. If he was a walker about it then ditch him.

35965a · 03/12/2022 20:36

moksorineouimoksori · 03/12/2022 20:19

NO. You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable.

Making a general joke about being a "serial killer" - probably fine.
Making a joke about someone's ACTUAL assault that they told you about THAT DAY - absolutely not fine, ever, in any circumstances!

What is wrong with the people on this thread?

My thoughts exactly. Some weird replies here.

moksorineouimoksori · 03/12/2022 20:37

My final advice for you OP - don't listen to the people who are either too stupid or purposely misunderstanding the difference between a general absurdist joke about serial killers and a joke about the specific weapon which was used to violently assault you IN REALITY.

For the future with this man - you've only been with him 2 months, consider whether he's really that good that he's worth it or if you can just cut your losses now. If you want to continue with him, explain plainly with no jokes/humour in the conversation that you find what he said completely unacceptable, and you don't want to see it ever happening again.

susiesuelou · 03/12/2022 20:37

moksorineouimoksori · 03/12/2022 20:19

NO. You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable.

Making a general joke about being a "serial killer" - probably fine.
Making a joke about someone's ACTUAL assault that they told you about THAT DAY - absolutely not fine, ever, in any circumstances!

What is wrong with the people on this thread?

Completely agree!!

SleepingStandingUp · 03/12/2022 20:40

aquateals · 03/12/2022 19:34

There wasn't a running joke about my violent sexual assault.

Show quote history

It wasn't clear from the op that the assault was sexual. If it hadn't, then it kinda fit into the running home and is say he'd just taken it a step past funny and is prob key or go but just be aware.

However, given it was a sexual assault, he shouldn't need you to clarify that it isn't a subject you joke about. Presumably when you told him it was a pretty serious conversation. It would put me off that we're just not compatible in our humour.

The pocky redemption would be if he'd said it, realised what he'd said, and apologised profusely and unequivocally.

What did you he say after the scissors comment?

!I'd tell him how triggering was for you and read his explanation

crussont · 03/12/2022 20:40

Nothingbuttheglory · 03/12/2022 20:36

I think YANBU at all to not find it funny. It sounds like you've been through hell and you don't have to have a sense of humour about it.

The key question for me is: how did he react when you told him you didn't like it?

Because if he just accepted it and apologised and didn't do it again then I think that's OK. If he was a walker about it then ditch him.

Yes this is a good post. How did he respond?

Namechanger965 · 03/12/2022 20:41

YANBU OP. Pps have clearly misread your post it’s clear that the conversation with the ‘joke’ was separate to the conversation regarding the assault. He was definitely out of line. Your ‘can’t be too careful comment was obviously not related to your assault at all and his comment directly linked it to your assault. It would make me think he hadn’t taken it seriously or realised how serious it was. How did he react when you told him earlier? I would be put off by this.

crussont · 03/12/2022 20:42

I think because none of us were there we can really tell if he meant it in a clumsy response to your joke or if he's seriously downplaying your assult

Notimeforaname · 03/12/2022 20:44

Pps have clearly misread your post it’s clear that the conversation with the ‘joke’ was separate to the conversation regarding the assault

This isnt the confusing part.

It's that she made it sound like the second conversation was in fact two separate conversations.

For me anyway.

FlissyPaps · 03/12/2022 20:44

I don’t think anyone here can say if you’re being unreasonable or not. We don’t know you or the man in question. People have totally different styles and sense of humour. Over text, things can be taken waaay out of context. There’s no tone of voice, no body language.

Personally, I wouldn’t appreciate someone making a joke that related to a previous trauma of mine. But then other people make jokes about trauma, death, disabilities etc and can find them funny. (I find that awful, but it’s matter of opinion.)

Be honest with him. Tell him how it’s made you feel. If he’s a good guy then he’ll understand and hopefully apologise. I’m sure it wasn’t his intention to upset or offend you.

butterfliedtwo · 03/12/2022 20:45

aquateals · 03/12/2022 19:26

Ok, fair enough maybe I invited it.

I just don't think a comment like that equates referencing the serious injuries and sexual assault I had told him about earlier.

I don't think so either. I would have been taken back by it.

Purplelion · 03/12/2022 20:45

Notimeforaname · 03/12/2022 20:44

Pps have clearly misread your post it’s clear that the conversation with the ‘joke’ was separate to the conversation regarding the assault

This isnt the confusing part.

It's that she made it sound like the second conversation was in fact two separate conversations.

For me anyway.

I completely agree.
She definitely did make it sound like her joke and his joke were 2 separate conversations.

CheesenCrackersmm · 03/12/2022 20:49

If you do not want jokes made about this then fair enough. But if you make jokes then he will think it is acceptable ground.

YABU

Mumof1forNow · 03/12/2022 20:50

This reply has been withdrawn

Hi there, please start your own thread on any of our boards.

Notimeforaname · 03/12/2022 20:51

Mumof1forNow

You need put this in your own thread.

SpentDandelion · 03/12/2022 20:54

It's really bad taste. You suffered alot of trauma, its definitely not funny. I would be quite shocked that he made light of it. Has he no empathy ?

ShepherdMoons · 03/12/2022 20:55

I think if it was me I'd have ignored the joke and not made the comment about scissors. Seems tactless and insensitive.

HappyBinosaur · 03/12/2022 20:55

I think what he said was appalling and even if you started the ‘joke’ first (although I think what you said was actually an understandable thing to say given the circumstances), making a joke about the weapon you were injured with is in a different league.
It wasn’t funny or appropriate and I’m sure most people who have been rude or dismissive on here have not been violently attacked 💐

ItsNotReallyChaos · 03/12/2022 20:57

YANBU @aquateals

I wouldn’t necessarily write him off straightaway because it could have just been one of those really stupid moments that we all occasionally have when we say something we don’t even mean. I would tell him you didn’t like it and why and his reaction to that will give you a lot of information on whether it was a silly mistake or whether he thinks it’s an appropriate topic for a joke.

I have a life-threatening peanut allergy. I once had a new boyfriend while he was cooking for me for the first time joke that he was going to lace the food with hidden peanuts. It couldn’t have been more of a turn off as I just automatically went into high alert mode.

Choconut · 03/12/2022 20:58

You sound hard work to me OP, not in that you took his 'joke' badly, that was very poorly thought through 'banter' on his part - just from your replies to people.

Tell him you know you were both joking around but your terrible assault is off limits for any kind of banter. If he's horrified that he was so insensitive then I'd give him another chance, if he tries to make out you're the one with the issue if you can't take him bants, then dump him.

Choconut · 03/12/2022 20:59

*his bants

Thoughtful2355 · 03/12/2022 21:07

sorry but yabu

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/12/2022 21:10

What he said was totally unacceptable.

Even if you had joked ‘you can’t be too careful’ he should have immediately said ‘just as well I’m one of the good guys’ or something along those lines. Not reference details of your ordeal.

I think maybe you were unconsciously testing him and he failed massively.

Its staggering how many idiots posters are saying you invited it and it’s bants 😧😡