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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't find it funny

270 replies

aquateals · 03/12/2022 19:18

Been seeing a man for a couple of months, going well so far. Not been to each other's houses yet.

I was the victim of a break in and assault last year and was attacked by a pair of scissors. I told him about this and showed me a photo of my injuries.

Later on that day he brought up coming over to my house to cook for me, I made a joke along the lines of you can't be too careful these days.

He said "don't worry I won't bring any scissors" as a joke. But I don't find it funny?

Am I overreacting? AIBU to be totally put off by him now?

OP posts:
crussont · 03/12/2022 20:12

He maybe thought your you can't be too careful "joke" was some how reflective of your underlying anxiety about your attack and was somehow trying to acknowledge this?

crussont · 03/12/2022 20:13

crussont · 03/12/2022 20:12

He maybe thought your you can't be too careful "joke" was some how reflective of your underlying anxiety about your attack and was somehow trying to acknowledge this?

Or he's an idiot.

NormalNans · 03/12/2022 20:13

aquateals · 03/12/2022 19:58

Thank you for your responses.

I accept that maybe I have overreacted.

I felt that there are some things you just don't joke about, but perhaps I am wrong.

I still need time to think about how I feel.

But you made the joke initially, he just responded to you. I don’t understand how he’s supposed to know that if you’re joking about it he’s not allowed to.

Lovemusic33 · 03/12/2022 20:14

I think it was a joke but agree that it wasn’t a very funny one.

I think maybe you shouldn’t have shared stories about your past so early on (I have made this mistake before). I can see why you are wary about having someone over your house but surely after a month or 2 you might just have to take the risk? Is it going to make much difference if you do it now or in another couple of months?

You sound a little over sensitive, maybe your not ready to date yet?

WinterDeWinter · 03/12/2022 20:14

Badgirlriri · 03/12/2022 19:19

YABU. It was a joke

Where do these kind of people come from?

KettrickenSmiled · 03/12/2022 20:16

I felt that there are some things you just don't joke about, but perhaps I am wrong.
There is no blanket rule, so you are neither right or wrong.

But on the subject of "things you just don't joke about" ...
Later on that day he brought up coming over to my house to cook for me, I made a joke along the lines of you can't be too careful these days.
... I don't find it funny to accuse what is presumably a nice, decent gut of being unsafe to have in your home.

So maybe take a step back & think about double standards.
Why was it ok for YOU to make a joke implying he could be a dangerous thug/murderer/rapist, but not ok for him to jokingly 'defend' himself against that?

I'm sure lots of people would find his scissors comeback clumsy, but many others would find it funny - because that's exactly what graveyard humour is designed for - to puncture a heavy moment by making some appalled laughter happen. But he said nothing more clumsy than you did. Maybe he's on GuyNet now, bemoaning the fact that he doesn't find it funny that his date joked about him being too dangerous to have in her home ...

Seaweed42 · 03/12/2022 20:17

I'd really take my time with this relationship. Have you had therapy since the assualt?
I don't find what he said funny either.
Don't feel rushed into anything.

Original poster
aquateals · 03/12/2022 20:17

KettrickenSmiled · 03/12/2022 20:16

I felt that there are some things you just don't joke about, but perhaps I am wrong.
There is no blanket rule, so you are neither right or wrong.

But on the subject of "things you just don't joke about" ...
Later on that day he brought up coming over to my house to cook for me, I made a joke along the lines of you can't be too careful these days.
... I don't find it funny to accuse what is presumably a nice, decent gut of being unsafe to have in your home.

So maybe take a step back & think about double standards.
Why was it ok for YOU to make a joke implying he could be a dangerous thug/murderer/rapist, but not ok for him to jokingly 'defend' himself against that?

I'm sure lots of people would find his scissors comeback clumsy, but many others would find it funny - because that's exactly what graveyard humour is designed for - to puncture a heavy moment by making some appalled laughter happen. But he said nothing more clumsy than you did. Maybe he's on GuyNet now, bemoaning the fact that he doesn't find it funny that his date joked about him being too dangerous to have in her home ...

OR you could read my other posts before responding?

OP posts:
moksorineouimoksori · 03/12/2022 20:19

NO. You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable.

Making a general joke about being a "serial killer" - probably fine.
Making a joke about someone's ACTUAL assault that they told you about THAT DAY - absolutely not fine, ever, in any circumstances!

What is wrong with the people on this thread?

Fleurdaisy · 03/12/2022 20:20

A not at all funny joke in bad taste.
He speaks before engaging his brain maybe? If you’re uncomfortable with his “ humour” then dump him.

Muu · 03/12/2022 20:22

could he have said he wasn’t bringing the scissors so you’d know you wouldn’t have to see a pair of scissors?

if it was a joke yeah that’s not funny.

WeepingSomnambulist · 03/12/2022 20:24

aquateals · 03/12/2022 19:21

I think by you saying you can’t be carful you sort of invited that joke.

This was hours later and a completely separate conversation.

No one misunderstood. You're changing your story.

When someone first replied that you invited the joke with you "cant be too careful" joke, you responded by saying that you had said that hours before in a different conversation.

Now you're saying your joke and his joke were in the same conversation and telling someone else they misunderstood and should read your posts.

I've read your posts. You've given two different stories.

You did invite the joke. He thinks you're ok with joking about this stuff. If you're not then tell him.

ComfortablyDazed · 03/12/2022 20:25

aquateals · 03/12/2022 19:58

Thank you for your responses.

I accept that maybe I have overreacted.

I felt that there are some things you just don't joke about, but perhaps I am wrong.

I still need time to think about how I feel.

I agree with you that there are some things you just don’t joke about, but you were joking / alluding to those things, so he probably thought it was OK to, as well.

You have two choices.

  1. It’s a deal breaker, so end it. And don’t make jokes about serial killers, etc, with your next boyfriend.
  1. Explain to him that you found the joke he made tasteless and inappropriate, and just talk about it.
johnd2 · 03/12/2022 20:25

Sorry to hear about your bad experience and trauma.

Not everyone has been through trauma to know how it can affect you. If you are able, perhaps sometime like" talking about this topic is triggering for me, please don't bring it up again"
It may also be worth getting (more) counselling to help you understand what happened better, especially if it's affecting your life/relationships, but of course that's your decision to make.
Take care.

KettrickenSmiled · 03/12/2022 20:25

aquateals · 03/12/2022 20:17

OR you could read my other posts before responding?

Show quote history

OR you could stop being aggressive to PP who are trying to help you see your way past this?

I have read all your posts.
None of them make a blind bit of difference to anything I've said above.

EmmaAgain22 · 03/12/2022 20:26

moksorineouimoksori · 03/12/2022 20:19

NO. You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable.

Making a general joke about being a "serial killer" - probably fine.
Making a joke about someone's ACTUAL assault that they told you about THAT DAY - absolutely not fine, ever, in any circumstances!

What is wrong with the people on this thread?

This

he might be foolish rather than mean but I'd be rethinking the relationship too.

WeepingSomnambulist · 03/12/2022 20:27

aquateals · 03/12/2022 20:17

OR you could read my other posts before responding?

Show quote history

What is wrong with what this poster said? Why do they need to go back and read your posts again.

Their response is quite considered and gives you a different perspective.

Stop being so nasty to people @aquateals.

moksorineouimoksori · 03/12/2022 20:28

WeepingSomnambulist, I know you're talking to OP not me, but youre wrong, and so confident about it too! she said she told him about the assault hours earlier in a different conversation. Later on, they had the conversation about serial killers where she said "you cant be too careful these days". That was what the OP was correcting

OP, i honestly cant believe the responses your getting, it must be the AIBU devils advocate types! Really, there is absolutely nothing that excuses or could excuse what he said about your violent assault.

Original poster
aquateals · 03/12/2022 20:29

*No one misunderstood. You're changing your story.

When someone first replied that you invited the joke with you "cant be too careful" joke, you responded by saying that you had said that hours before in a different conversation.

Now you're saying your joke and his joke were in the same conversation and telling someone else they misunderstood and should read your posts.

I've read your posts. You've given two different stories.

You did invite the joke. He thinks you're ok with joking about this stuff. If you're not then tell him.*

You are completely wrong.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 03/12/2022 20:30

Im truly sorry about what happened to you op

Yabu though, It was a joke.

You joked about danger, he joked back.

You cant have the attitude of "I can joke about what I like in the moment but he cannot".

His joke was not to hurt you or offend you ..as I'm sure yours wasn't to him?

Notimeforaname · 03/12/2022 20:33

No one misunderstood. You're changing your story.

When someone first replied that you invited the joke with you "cant be too careful" joke, you responded by saying that you had said that hours before in a different conversation.

Now you're saying your joke and his joke were in the same conversation and telling someone else they misunderstood and should read your posts.

I've read your posts. You've given two different stories

You did invite the joke. He thinks you're ok with joking about this stuff. If you're not then tell him.

You are completely wrong

I have to admit op, I read it exactly how this poster has.
You really were not very clear to start with about the separate conversations.

Whattodo182 · 03/12/2022 20:33

Your story's changed more times than I've changed my babies bum today.

You made a throwaway comment. He made one back.

But, if its given you the ick then that's that isn't it really. Dunno why you're hunting for validation and then dismiss everyone's comments😏

mam0918 · 03/12/2022 20:33

I think what you said was wierd (still dont understand WHY you said that and I have re-read it a few times) and he was responding in kind to your comment.

Newmum0322 · 03/12/2022 20:35

What you experienced was terrible, I couldn’t imagine how that would have felt. Very few people could, including the man you’re dating. I do feel you’re being a little sensitive, but thats very understandable given the circumstances.

I believe he felt that your making jokes was a green light to do the same. Perhaps it was clumsy, but I don’t believe it was intended to make light of what you experienced. He would have been coming from a place of ignorance, like many other people who should be thankful they can’t relate.

Im sorry again for what you experienced and I hope you’re recovering from it.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/12/2022 20:35

YANBU.

The mad axe murderer type of reference is part of popular culture. Same way one about being a mad cat lady or a creepy weirdo saying he's got puppies in his dirty white van is.

To then go from popular culture - that doesn't stop being known by somebody in the event of experiencing a crime - to the other person specifically referencing a horrific attack in a 'well, don't worry, I'm not going to rape and mutilate you like the last bloke did, ha ha ha' is wrong and shows that he hasn't a clue emotionally.

YANBU to bin him off for that. And no, you didn't deserve it, bring the comments upon yourself or in any way shoulder any blame for this.