Page 12 | DP won't help with nursery bills

Sarahlll · 2022-12-03T12:51:21+00:00

I'm due to go back to work in the new year after maternity leave and my DP of 4 years has just told me that he doesn't see why he should help pay the nursery fees as it's my decision to return to work. AIBU in thinking that this is incredibly unfair?

JulesJules · 03/12/2022 16:09

LimeCheesecake · 03/12/2022 13:35

So to check - he expects you to pay fully for childcare on days both parents are working, and then expects you to pay fully for childcare on days that one parent (him) is available and you don’t need childcare, so you’ll pay for his leisure time. He’s not offering to cover all bills and give you additional personal spending money, he expects you to some how get benefits that will cover you share of household bills and then have no money to spend on yourself so that he can pretend to be a great family man?

oh dear you’ve accidentally had a child with a twat.

This. What a absolute knob.

FI0N · 03/12/2022 16:10

Please OP, do not under any circumstances give up your well paid job with a pension. Even if you think you would get more on benefits.

You need to think like a single mum, which is what you are going to be soon enough. Do whatever you have to do to keep your house and your job.

If you kick out your partner he will have to pay child support . Go through the CMS.

Claim what you can in benefits towards your childcare costs. take in a lodger if you have to - you can earn nearly £8k PA without paying tax on it.

Wrongsideofpennines · 03/12/2022 16:15

So is he going to give up work to look after him instead? Or is he going to pay all the other bills to enable you to stay at home to look after him?

sunlight81 · 03/12/2022 16:16

Easy ... tell him you will sign a contract with nursery for 2.5days, it's then up to him what he does for the other 2.5days. Worst case just make sure you leave the house before him in the morning (but pretty sure it wouldn't come to that!)

CoffeandTiaMaria · 03/12/2022 16:27

Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 13:08

He works shifts so my compromise to him was why don't we put DC in nursery just the days we are both working and he can have them on his days off but he has also said no to this - these days are 'his' time. Never mind the fact that I'll be working full time and still having our child!

Christ, he’s a real gem isn’t he 🤬

houseargh · 03/12/2022 16:30

Er yeah, your partner is a raging misogynist and he lives in the stone age. I usually think MN is too quick to advise to LTB but this guy ain't changing. He thinks you're a second class citizen, though he may not know he thinks that

LadyLapsang · 03/12/2022 16:33

OP, he is behaving dreadfully on both a personal and societal level, expecting other taxpayers to look after his child so he has more personal time and money. If I am reading your posts correctly, then you are unmarried and the house is yours. In that case, I would ask him to leave and start arrangements for him to make financial and caring contributions. As others have said, this is a massive red flag - you must return to work to safeguard your future.

Emotionalsupportviper · 03/12/2022 16:36

jadedspark · 03/12/2022 12:53

Point out it's also his choice to work instead of being a stay at home dad

Good point!

Emotionalsupportviper · 03/12/2022 16:37

LadyLapsang · 03/12/2022 16:33

OP, he is behaving dreadfully on both a personal and societal level, expecting other taxpayers to look after his child so he has more personal time and money. If I am reading your posts correctly, then you are unmarried and the house is yours. In that case, I would ask him to leave and start arrangements for him to make financial and caring contributions. As others have said, this is a massive red flag - you must return to work to safeguard your future.

And this is good advice.

TheaBrandt · 03/12/2022 16:39

One of the arguments against overreaching welfare state is it replaces men’s contributions. Always thought that view unfair. Seems they had a point.

louderthan · 03/12/2022 16:39

I cannot believe the number of these threads there have been the last few days. It blows my mind. I'm afraid I don't have any advice as I am single and child-free by choice and I intend to stay that way.
You have been given good advice by others on the thread. Heed it.

pinkfondu · 03/12/2022 16:41

Controlling behaviour can sometimes come out after a baby.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 03/12/2022 16:42

Surely if he is deciding to send the DC to nursery on his days off he should pay for that.
However, this is not the point, joint child, joint costs is the way to go. Otherwise kick him out. Good luck!

Blocked · 03/12/2022 16:48

Point out to him that he can leave if he doesn't want to pay anything - he will then have to pay his 50% + child maintenance. See how smart he is then.

teraculum29 · 03/12/2022 16:48

Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 12:57

The plan has always been for our child to go to nursery once my maternity leave ended, it's only now that we're a month away he's decided that he doesn't see why he should contribute towards the nursery fees as if I didn't return to work then there wouldn't be a bill to pay!

But is he aware that you wont be able to cover your half of the bills if you are not working??

georgarina · 03/12/2022 16:57

Omg leave OP. You're in the enviable position of having a house and job and not being married so it would be relatively quick and painless.

Obviously if it's his baby it's his expense as well as yours (why is the default that you would stay home? Would he not need to stay home if not willing to pay for childcare?) but at this point it seems like he's just a controlling dick and you would be better off without him.

mathanxiety · 03/12/2022 16:57

He should be paying 50%.

50% of his DNA went into the baby, and he is also choosing not to be a SAHP.

Looking ahead though, I would be making plans to leave this sorry excuse for a man as soon as possible. I would make it my goal for 2023 if I were you.

I would also let his friends and family know how he feels about parental responsibility. He should be exposed and shamed.

LoisLane22 · 03/12/2022 16:57

I haven't read anything this bad for a while OP. You've to pay for full time nursery by yourself, including days where childcare isn't needed so he can have entire days off to himself every week?

What about drop off and pick up, will that be your responsibility too? What about when the little one is off sick? Will DP split the days with you so it's not just your work that's affected?

I'm not being flippant - this would be divorce territory for me unless he changed his tune massively and quickly!

Absolutely fuck that for a laugh.

KatMcBundleFace · 03/12/2022 16:58

I'm sorry OP, what a raging knob he is.
I think be very very careful not to back down. He pays half or that's the end he can pay child support.

BHMiseverymonth · 03/12/2022 16:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Soothsayer1 · 03/12/2022 17:00

I would stop referring to this as 'help', you both have a duty towards your child, he is refusing to step up and meet his share of the duties
I would do the same back to him, stop supporting him, if he doesn't consider you 3 to be a family unit then you should only focus on what directly benefits you and your child

Vinylloving · 03/12/2022 17:03

I can't fathom these threads. You have a child together, when you return to work the fees are a household bill - they don't come out of one salary or the other. If he thinks you shouldn't work, you need to discuss with him: will you get married so you're protected, will his salary pay for a private pension for you to make up for lost pension payments, does his work have the potential to look after you both and make up for your lost career progression prospect if you agree you won't work while your baby needs childcare. If he doesn't plan it with you properly, leave him and seek child support formally to cover shared childcare costs while you both work

Ofcourseshecan · 03/12/2022 17:06

Is he living in your house rent-free? And you share the bills, but only if he agrees on each one, and if he doesn't want to pay his share of one, eg nursery costs, tough luck for you? And when not working, you'll look after the baby and he'll do what he likes?

OP, you've got a cocklodger.

magma32 · 03/12/2022 17:08

Do not under any circumstances leave your job, don’t marry him, don’t let him pay into the house as then he can make a claim on it.
Even if he decides to pay you a salary and your pension contributions to entice you to give up your job do not listen and do not leave your job. You would be an utter fool to do this as you will be at his mercy and clearly he likes to change his mind whenever he feels like it so you cannot trust any of his promises.

do not give up your financial independence, when you are ready to LTB change your locks and don’t forget to claim child maintenance. Teach him a valuable fucking lesson.

Blanketpolicy · 03/12/2022 17:09

Jeez, if dh ever even hinted at something so ridiculous he would have regretted it immediately. I hate it when women find themselves manipulated into the position of questioning themselves when something is clearly just wrong.

OP, stop questioning yourself and go rip him a new one. Do not listen to or entertain any crap, your baby is his too and do not accept anything less than him actively wanting to fully participate with you practically and financially to your family. Tell him you are not sure if it was a bad joke but if he ever talks like that again his feet won't hit the floor on the way out the door as he will be a disappointing excuse for a father.