DP won't help with nursery bills

[Sarahlll]

I'm due to go back to work in the new year after maternity leave and my DP of 4 years has just told me that he doesn't see why he should help pay the nursery fees as it's my decision to return to work. AIBU in thinking that this is incredibly unfair?

I'm don't understand. Is he REALLY expecting for you to go back to work, pay all the mortgage AND all the nursery fees? This sounds like it was an unequal relationship from the start. I really wish women would think about what they're doing when they choose to have children with men who don't want to be in a proper partnership with them. And vice versa.

You have a situation where you have a man living in your house which you pay for and own (and he doesn't have any part of), you and he share the other bills yet he doesn't want to contribute towards nursery fees. So he's basically a lodger and sperm donor who does a bit of childcare now and again, like a friendly uncle. Maybe that's what he feels like too. It just doesn't sound like this is a real grown up relationship all round really.

Is there a reason why the house is not jointly owned and paid for jointly? Is there a reason why you are not married? They're both red flags to me, when there is a child in the picture.

Just to compare to my experience. DH and I bought our first property together after we got engaged and were married soon after. He earned a lot more than me and so paid ALL the mortgage, but we BOTH were named as owners of the house. We shared the bills. When we had children, we had just moved to a different area and I was between jobs so we decided TOGETHER that I would stay home for a couple of years and not only would he continue paying all the mortgage but all the bills too. He recognised that I was providing childcare for the children that otherwise we'd have to pay for, and I recognised that he was paying for our housing and bills costs to enable me to stay with the children.

When I went back to work PT (didn't earn a lot), we did discuss childcare and basically saw all our money as part of a family pot. He STILL continued to pay ALL the mortgage and ALL the bills, I paid for childcare (not much, top up after the free 15 hours), and all our "extras", like holidays and days out etc.

As a consequence, when I came into a large inheritance a few years back, I had no qualms about paying the rest of the mortgage off, buying him a car, paying for nice family holidays etc, and he STILL pays nearly all our bills. I pay towards the kids' uni expenses and will also think nothing of supporting us both if he wants to retire a few years early.

I'm just illustrating that there are many ways to organise family finances, but the most important thing is that you agree these things together and you work as a team, have each other's back, providing for each other as circumstances change. You aren't working like that at the moment. Figure out if you both want to, and how you're going to do it fairly. Personally if you really love and value with each other I'd start with figuring out why you aren't married and why you don't own the house JOINTLY as equal partners.

He see's the baby as your responsibility, so in his eyes you pay for childcare and you do the majority of caring for the child. Before you decided to have this baby did you sit and talk about care and financial costs ?

You have been providing free child care and continuing to pay “your share” of the bills. He is stealing from you!! You have been subsidizing his lifestyle since you got pregnant (that is when your child related expenses began).

it’s not surprising he thinks that you will continue to hand over your money to him.

you can not trust this man by being anything less than a full time worker. Don’t agree to find a job that work around his shifts because that will impact your earning power. You need to maximize your lifetime career earnings. If he won’t pay nursery fees directly, withhold his portion from your contribution to other bills.

but really, this should be a dealbreaker. If he won’t change today, he needs to go.

What a wanker. He isn't acting like a partner or a parent. I would LTB. Save yourself years of financial abuse.

Why are there so many women in this position and questioning if they’re being unreasonable? Of course you aren’t! I can’t believe it’s even a question!!!

this must be the 10th thread in a week.

Can I ask why you’ve made the ENORMOUs life-altering decision of having a child with this man…. But clearly had zero discussions about how this would work financially?

thankfully, you sound like the one rare occasion where being unmarried may actually work in your favour.

Tell him that’s fine but you’ll expect him to quit his job to look after the baby as it’s his baby too.

Why do men do this sort of thing? I’ve got nothing but grief for going back to work. I do pretty much every drop off and pick up. It’s me that goes to all school events and me who takes time off when they are ill.

I think I only know one family who share everything equally. Both parents only work 4 days a week.

Oh look yet another woman on mumsnet having a baby with her boyfriend who acts like the baby is the girlfriend's sole responsibility 🙄. Surely you discussed the finances before deciding to have a child together? The child is as much his child as yours, why on earth would he view childcare costs as yours alone?

I highly doubt this relationship will last, return to work and look after your finances, if he doesn't want to pay dump him and claim child maintenance.

Do not stay at home with a partner with these views

Or depending whether this is just a blind spot with this man and you can get it sorted and changed, or whether it's a pattern, maybe consider this:

Do not stay at home with a THIS partner

If you do stay at home or work reduced hours or work in a less well paid job to accommodate his full time work and career, including backdating this across the maternity leave, he should be levelling it up so that your pension, savings, benefit from property versus notional half contribution, and 'fun money', is commensurate with his. No excuses.

But I agree that it should all be out of theoretically a joint pot, even if 'the pot' lives in number ofseparate bank acocunts. You've got time, protect yourself for if you stay with him so you don't realised you have been shafted later and so you can leave if you want to.

I was at a meeting the other day, and the other thing is to make sure that your partner nominates you as the beneficiary of any pension, or life insurance that comes with his job or is arranged personally. Although you can't know or control if they lie, so always take care of yourself as well.

Surely you discussed the finances before deciding to have a child together?

I don’t know how you can decide to have a child with a man without having this discussion first.

It’s infuriating and seems to happen time and time and time and time again on Mumsnet.

If I want some 'me' time then he will have DC, but I've noticed that he texts me an awful lot when I am out - even if it's just constant photos of our DC
he has constant urges to remind you that the child shouldnt really be his problem....

There is no choice. You have to continue to work to protect your asset.

He’s living in your house rent free by the sound of it. On top of that, he’s now expecting you to pay for your joint child to be in nursery on his days off. Wow.

You could tell him that is fine, you will cover the nursery fees. However, you expect him to start paying rent from now on, which coincidentally is 50% of the nursery fees. He has a choice, of course. Pay or leave. I’m strongly preferring the latter option.

I swear to god there is a thread like this every day. Why even bother engaging with this. Just get rid. What a waste of airspace. There is nothing else to say. Just communicate through the Child Support and get your child the hell away from this moron.

I don’t know how you can decide to have a child with a man without having this discussion first
decent people tend to assume that others will naturally respond in kind, I'm not sure it's helpful to berate people for this

What's happening while your home is he doing his share of chores and paying......

Forcing you to give up on your career and future financial security to stay home and look after his house doesn't sound good.

Sorry Op but he's not the man you thought he was. He's let you pay half of everything even when you're not earning whilst enjoying living in your house for free - what does that say about him? Does he really think you should stay at home against your wishes so that he can wash his hands of any responsibilty?
Go back to work and stay in control of your own life, the last thing you need is to be dependant on him- tell him to leave if he doesn't like it, better still, tell him to leave anyway

half+ of the childcare added, or a link to the CMS calculator is due!

His time.......do you get your time now? Has he looked after his child while you've been out all day?

I’m not berating, I just cannot fathom how women sleepwalk into these grossly unfair financial situations.

If you were buying a house with your partner, you would 100% discuss the mortgage and which bank account it‘s debited from each month .

The same discussions must be had when having a child. Especially as it leaves women financially vulnerable & often working part time.

we really threw the baby out with the bathwater when living together became the norm. Marriage or a civil partnership protects everyone - parents and child. The one thing I would advise anyone to do is have hard conversations before having children. If you can't have those conversations then you are not with the right person to have a child

These kinds of men only start the abuse once the baby is born. They come across as likeable and a model partner.

Once the baby is born, they use your emotional attachment to the child to control you.

It starts small, on maternity leave, you still having to pay your share, despite the reduced income, the refusal to have a joint account, despite the joint child, the seeming too incompetent to look after the child alone for too long, not sharing chores and then encouraging you to leave your job so that you are totally financially dependant on them and they have full control over you.

Don't do it OP. Don't give up your independence.

Who does he think will pay the mortgage if you don't go back to work?.

You're right sweetheart, it is my bill and I wouldn't have to pay it if I didn't go back. So I'll quit. Thank you for covering all the household bills and mortgage whisky I stay home for 5 years!!

Followed by an innocent smile and huge hug.

See what reaction you get

Start charging him rent or just leave him.

This. Plus make it clear that you will still be 50/50 in terms of household responsibilities, or that he will need to pay for cooking/ cleaning etc services.

How we sleepwalk into these situations are that the man is charming and you can't imagine them ever being like this. These men know what they're doing, they're clever, persuasive and manipulative.

They start the control in a drip, drip, drip way so that it's so subtle, you don't notice until it's too late. That's what abusers do.