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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't help with nursery bills

409 replies

Sarahlll · 03/12/2022 12:51

I'm due to go back to work in the new year after maternity leave and my DP of 4 years has just told me that he doesn't see why he should help pay the nursery fees as it's my decision to return to work. AIBU in thinking that this is incredibly unfair?

OP posts:
Managinggenzoclock · 03/12/2022 17:12

Totally ridiculous. If you weren’t going back to work he would need to fund both of you, so hardly a cost saving for him. I’d make very clear this is not an optional extra and if he refuses to take an equal share as your partner, he can make child maintenance payments as your ex!

Soothsayer1 · 03/12/2022 17:13

he can have them on his days off but he has also said no to this - these days are 'his' time
bad, bad, very bad
I might give him chance to see the light, but if he just keeps his eyes covered then keep him sweet while you make your escape plan
he wants the status and kudos of being a father, the convenience of a woman to do the wife work but he also wants to be unencumbered by all of it so he can have the freedoms of a single man
nice work if you can get it eh!

Seeingadistance · 03/12/2022 17:13

LadyLapsang · 03/12/2022 16:33

OP, he is behaving dreadfully on both a personal and societal level, expecting other taxpayers to look after his child so he has more personal time and money. If I am reading your posts correctly, then you are unmarried and the house is yours. In that case, I would ask him to leave and start arrangements for him to make financial and caring contributions. As others have said, this is a massive red flag - you must return to work to safeguard your future.

This, this, this.

NoelNoNoel · 03/12/2022 17:13

OP as it’s your house and your mortgage you could kick him out and use child maintenance to pay towards nursery.

Peedoffo · 03/12/2022 17:15

Was the baby unplanned ? It's financial abuse he seems to think you are entirely responsible for DCs upkeep. Throw him out and claim CMS. Why do men these days think the woman should solely pay for DC.

Soothsayer1 · 03/12/2022 17:16

I find it odd that he's so brazen when you own the house etc!
just get rid of this unwanted lodger, why are you obeying & asking his permission when you own the house??

Soothsayer1 · 03/12/2022 17:18

you must return to work to safeguard your future
^this
your career is a threat you his dominance, thats why he's trying to undermine it, he wants total power & you having no choice but to obey him

Nagado · 03/12/2022 17:20

I think you would be insane to give up your job. Abuse often comes out around the birth of a child and, right on cue, he’s decided to start with financial abuse.

In your position, I’d be inclined to tell him that if he’s not willing to pay 50% of household expenses, then he doesn’t get to have the benefits of a family life, and that he’s just shown you that you can’t rely on him when it comes to things like your pension. So you need to go back to work, he needs to move out and start making arrangements to do 50% of childcare as a single parent with shared custody.

LadyLapsang · 03/12/2022 17:22

@Vinylloving In this case I’m not sure that argument works. OP owns a house and has a career. The boyfriend could pop off to Tiffany, come back with a rock, pop down to the local registrar and get access to half her house. When someone shows you who they are through their actions, pay close attention. Even a very impressive engagement ring only costs the same as a few months high quality full time childcare from a qualified nanny / nursery nurse.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/12/2022 17:23

A healthy good relationship between two parents...

  1. As soon as one party goes off to look after a joint baby, all money becomes joint, (either joint account or not but the point is the understanding is that it's now shared). Both understand that you are both contributing - just one is doing an unpaid role, therefore obviously, the paid role needs to divvied up.
  1. When mat leave is up, a joint decision is made by the two of you with regard to how you proceed. If one gives up work to look after the joint baby, then obviously the other one needs to take over all costs, including a pension for the sahp, f they have one, savings if they have savings, disposable income if they have etc alll shared. If no one wants to give up work, that is fine, and Both parties must equally divide chores/childcare and costs become either a joint account or equal % of salaries.
Soothsayer1 · 03/12/2022 17:26

His long term plan may be to maneuver you out of your job, persuade you to have another child then propose, so that he can have a claim on your assets
I say he's a grifter, but luckily not smart enough to cover up those red flags so it shouldn't be hard to out-maneuver him!

vdbfamily · 03/12/2022 17:26

I have only read your connects so this may have been said but his argument goes both ways.
If he gives up his job to be a SAHD, there will be no nursery fees either. Maybe you should suggest that. The child is both of yours, ideally any income and outgoings should be totally shared. Share finances become very difficult at times like this.

vdbfamily · 03/12/2022 17:27

Ideally, you could both work compressed hours and manage some of the childcare between you and then share the rest of the bill.

RealBecca · 03/12/2022 17:28

Convenient of him to mention this now rather than at any other point of your maternity. seems like he was planning this the whole time

JustLyra · 03/12/2022 17:28

Vinylloving · 03/12/2022 17:03

I can't fathom these threads. You have a child together, when you return to work the fees are a household bill - they don't come out of one salary or the other. If he thinks you shouldn't work, you need to discuss with him: will you get married so you're protected, will his salary pay for a private pension for you to make up for lost pension payments, does his work have the potential to look after you both and make up for your lost career progression prospect if you agree you won't work while your baby needs childcare. If he doesn't plan it with you properly, leave him and seek child support formally to cover shared childcare costs while you both work

Marriage is the last thing the OP should be considering right now.

The house and mortgage is hers and he’s shown he’s an arsehole. That’s her protection.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/12/2022 17:35

As a slight tangent, a few posters have assumed the father has a job with a high salary. He has also shown himself to be incredibly short of thinking. If people think it's possible that a man can be both this dumb, and in the higher tax bracket; this really shows what advantages men have in the work place. It infuriates me that I know so many super intelligent women on NMW, and then, this.

Soothsayer1 · 03/12/2022 17:37

I wonder if his refusal to parent his own child is actually him sulking because OP has more that he thinks she should, her own house, a good pension etc?

OverExcitedPanda76 · 03/12/2022 17:45

If I was in your (or his) position, I would be looking at it (mostly) from a financial perspective. Is you staying at home costing the household more than you going back to work and paying nursery fees? I would have thought that, even after taking the fees out, you'll be seeing more money that way.

Plus, as I'm sure has been pointed out already, it's not just about the money. There's career progression to think of, as well as your sanity...

aloris · 03/12/2022 17:51

"I wonder if his refusal to parent his own child is actually him sulking because OP has more that he thinks she should, her own house, a good pension etc?"

It's possible that he feels it's unfair that some of her input is going toward her mortgage which builds up as equity for her. I think the fair way to handle that is to evaluate how much of her mortgage payment goes towards equity and how much towards interest, insurance, etc (whatever isn't being built up as equity). And then come up with some way to ensure that their mutual financial input is treated fairly.

Dinosaurpoopy · 03/12/2022 17:52

This has shocked me, I'll be paying nursery fees yes but DH pays every single other household bill so we worked it this way as I'll actually be better off?

What a sorry excuse for a dad, sending hugs OP

Quiegal · 03/12/2022 17:59

@Sarahlll

Sounds like he doesn't want you to have your independence back. Seems to be implying you don't need to work.

He is being unfair and is financially abusing you.

He probably thought having that child you be sitting at home while he works. No you need to work too.

Soothsayer1 · 03/12/2022 18:00

I think the fair way to handle that is to evaluate how much of her mortgage payment goes towards equity and how much towards interest, insurance, etc (whatever isn't being built up as equity). And then come up with some way to ensure that their mutual financial input is treated fairly
That does seem worth exploring, but is this a man who will have an open and honest conversation about what is fair? Or will he try to keep to his 'I'll do as I please and you'll do as your told' way of doing things?

Create10 · 03/12/2022 18:05

Is he taking the fucking piss?

What does he say when you say he can give up work?

OutFortheBirds · 03/12/2022 18:05

@Sarahlll I haven’t had the chance read through the whole lot, but you know yourself this is not equal. Care of the child is 50%. It’s worrying that thinks the way he does tbh.

Let him know you’re time for being a SAHM for free has finished, and he can now be the SAHD, and if not: pay.

Murdoch1949 · 03/12/2022 18:06

Blimey, that's shocking. It's obviously a joint expense, and if he earns more he should pay more. You need to have a good think about this, as he's being a major prick and it could be a red flag for the future.

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