DP won't help with nursery bills

[Sarahlll]

I'm due to go back to work in the new year after maternity leave and my DP of 4 years has just told me that he doesn't see why he should help pay the nursery fees as it's my decision to return to work. AIBU in thinking that this is incredibly unfair?

Do you want to work?

If you don’t mind staying at home for a while more then I absolutely would just so he then has to pay all of the bills himself.

I would hope you wouldn’t be eligible for benefits as it is a choice not to work.

In any other situation I would be telling the women that she needs her financial freedom but in this situation then I think it’s fine to not work just to prove a point.

I do worry if he’s treating you like this now how it’s going to escalate in the future, which is always does.

I can't imagine a man like this was ever anything approximating to 'charming' to be honest. I bet he was the type who never paid for dates from day one. But women put up with it...tell themselves it's all fine because 'equality' or some such brainwash... then a few years later, this is where it ends up. Once a loser, always a loser. Don't even engage OP. Just get the hell away.

Even more so as they are only boyfriend and girlfriend!! Why are so many women on here putting themselves in a situation like this with 0 financial security?! Crazy!!

OP, you said that his family agree with him, is that true or is he just saying that.

If his family are in agreement about not paying/minding his child well then, they can give the wanker a home.

Is he trying to get you to be a SAHM? Financially and security-wise that's extreme danger territory for an unmarried woman. It's also a tried and true method for a controlling (ie abusive) partner to get you under their thumb.

My advice would be to tell him that as far as you are concerned childcare is a joint expense as childcare enables BOTH of you to work. If he won't pay his fair share you will be forced into reducing your household contribution by an amount equal to 50% of the nursery fees so you can 'cover his share'.

I don't get these men who think that childcare (& all child expenses) is a woman's financial responsibility. I wonder how much it has to do with there being a state maternity pay and laws in the UK. So many women seem to say that they are covering all child expenses out of their maternity pay and perhaps it just 'carries over' into a male mentality that child expenses are a woman's responsibility.

There's no state mat pay here, you have to use your sick/vacation pay* and that usually doesn't last long! I also expect that the fathers understand that the mothers won't have any/much income after the baby is born and it's up to him to support the family.

*very few companies offer specific paid maternity leave and very few states pay 'disability' benefits and they are only around 6 weeks.

Personally, I think he's an asshole and that this is only the beginning of things that 'you should' pay for!

You obviously can't be a SAHM to a man who has separate finances to you - let alone one who won't even pay for his own child! Madness to even consider it.

He has shown you who he is OP. I don't know how you can even look at him. Just kick him out already.

I wasn't working but we put DS in nursery for my MH- I paid the balance after DH paid via childcare vouchers.

DS is now 5 and attends after school wraparound when I'm working. Again, DH covers a good part of it.

Your DP needs to realise that having a child was a joint decision and stop being so bloody ridiculous.

To be fair, we don't know that having a baby WAS a joint decision. There have been many posts on here from women saying they desperately wanted a baby and asking if they WBU to "accidentally on purpose" forget the pill for a while.

Neither do we know the background of their relationship eg ages of both, previous relationships and financial arrangements/outcomes of those, the reason only OP has a house etc etc.

This guy has checked out of your relationship and fatherhood op.

It's your house...throw him out. There is no future with a man who thinks so little of you. He's disgusting.

This with bells and whistles on.

In your position, not a chance would I let him force me to give up work. Imagine how much difficult life would be if you were solely reliant on his income? You don’t even have joint accounts so you’d end up having to ask for money and justify every penny. I highly doubt you’d be entitled to much in benefits either. Which is all redundant anyway as you don’t want to give up work.

id also be wary of him thinking that if you weren’t earning and he’s therefore paying the mortgage then he’s grabbed half of your house.

I think he’d quite like that. OP has a good job that she wants to go back to.

THIS IN SPADES!

Don't let him trap and confine you further - whether you stay in the relationship is up to you, but please do NOT allow yourself to become even more dependent upon him.

He will own you.

In this situation I would ask him to sort out finances properly or leave.

He is completely out of line. What a twat. It is a joint baby, childcare is a joint expense.

Do NOT give up your job or marry this person.

If that's his attitude, then I hope you're charging him rent money for living in your house. You're either partners or you're not. He can't pick and choose.

Hopefully he is paying half your mortgage as rent?

chuck him out OP while you can and dont marry this absolute prat.

he is bang out of order. Thank god the house is in your name and mortgage is yours. you can chuck him out tonight and you will 100% be better off on your own. If anything go part time for a few years and UC are most helpful!!

best of luck!

If you relationship is based upon finding the man of your dreams, you then have to assume that you are the woman about whom he dreams.

I think that there are many good men out there who are not the stuff that dreams are made of, and most women are not in the dreams are made of category. Fairytales are written for children.

There are probably many good men with whom you could have a good relationship, if you are looking for Mr. Perfect just make sure that you are Ms. Perfect.

He has suggested that I will be entitled to benefits which would help contribute towards the household bills, and that on top of his wage would be enough to cover everything

Entitled how, when he is working and his wage will be taken into account?

Do you even live together?
Is this man your husband?

As right now Im thinking, unmarried in seperate households so he thinks you can claim HB/UC + will get CHB etc hence why should he have to stump up any money.

He likes a race to the bottom doesn't he? He's not a keeper that's for sure

Thank god you aren't married to this berk and the house is in your name.

He's just shown you EXACTLY who he is.

I really hope you don't stay with such a loser.

Men can become entirely new creatures once children are here. I do think you need to begin considering what your life might look like without being in a relationship with him.

I wonder if he doesn't want you back at work because he doesn't want to share the child rearing and housework shit work. So by forcing you to stay home he can justify doing nothing and carrying on as if he were still child free?

Do you have to repay maternity leave if you don't return to work?

Personally I say don't give up work. It seems "D"P doesn't want to do his 50% of caring. I'd put child in day care for your 50% and P then has the option to look after on his days or pay his 50% share of day care.

I wouldn't be giving him an option. His only option is what he does for his 50%

To add that I wonder if he actually earns what he says he earns or perhaps he’s not said?

If he is suggesting you share equally his salary and any top up benefits, that's not so bad. I mean it's still bat shit, but at least he isn't a total wanker.

If he expects you to live off top up benefits while being a SAHM without equal access to what would then be family money, he can jog the fuck on.