Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call police over drunk friend gone AWOL?

268 replies

miskovsky · 03/12/2022 02:50

Hi, looking for urgent advice. Was on a night out tonight with a friend of mine. Friend got very very drunk. We elected to take a taxi home together around 1AM. I tried as hard as I could to get her to stay at mine so I could know she was safe, but she was hellbent on going to her ex girlfriend's house which is quite far away from where I live. She was also hellbent on dropping me off first. In hindsight I should've stopped her but I was rather drunk at this point too (have sobered up now from the panic).

Taxi driver was a South Asian guy. Friend got in the front. Despite being a staunch lesbian, she was making suggestive comments to the driver and to be honest he wasn't as dismissive as I would've hoped. She said something about staying at his house and he said something along the lines of "I would love to, but I have to work for a few more hours". Imo it sounded like he was serious.

Anyway, when they dropped me off, I told her that if she didn't message me/respond to messages to let me know when she was at ex gf's house I was going to call the police. She seemed cognisant of this and promised to be in touch.

By 2 I hadn't heard anything and she hadn't responded to my texts so I called her. Phone rang out for a long time then "she" answered. I was putting the phone on speaker and I heard a voice which sounded rather low, and not like hers, but I can;t say that's 100% reliable because the phone was far away from my face and not on speaker. Then silence for about 30 seconds, then heard someone clearing their throat - again, did NOT sound like her.

Rang again 10 mins later, it answered on 3rd ring but hung up immediately.

So, I rang 101 (local police) and explained the situation. 101 operator said they’re not interested because “she’s an adult and can make her own decisions”. I contested this and said she's very drunk and vulnerable - operator woman "well we can't just go on what ifs". I suggested them checking the CCTV for the location & time we got into the taxi to obtain the reg and then maybe have police (of which there were dozens standing outside the pub doing nothing) check the ranks to see if the taxi returned? Surely that wouldn;t be too difficult? Again they were not interested.

Also, I dont have the address of the ex gf, but I have her full name and know the village she lives in. Could the police not search for her address and then send someone round to check that she made it there? Am i being dramatic and paranoid/unreasonable or do you think they should be doing more? I just feel that in cases where women's safety is at risk it's always too little too late with them (Alice ruggles, Sarah Everard etc).

OP posts:
Lightowl · 03/12/2022 03:11

I think you have The Fear, but you are not unreasonable to do so.

I don’t suppose your linked on find my iPhone or anything are you? Could you send her a request to link? With hindsight you didn’t make a good choice but that’s not entirely your fault - it was a difficult situation all around.

Barring find my iPhone, I’m really not sure what else you can do other than try to contact the ex GF as a matter of urgency eg via SM. I’m sure you can find her? How would exGF have reacted to her appearing, and could it have been her on the phone?

I certainly wouldn’t be giving up either, I hope she’s ok.

FuckConvoGiveMeAForest · 03/12/2022 03:16

Really hope she's okay x

VacancyAtNumber10AGAIN · 03/12/2022 03:16

Do you have any contact info for the ex gf?

Original poster
miskovsky · 03/12/2022 03:34

VacancyAtNumber10AGAIN · 03/12/2022 03:16

Do you have any contact info for the ex gf?

Absolutely none. She is untraceable on SM, doesn’t have any accounts. I’ve tried everything. I was wondering if the police would ask me for her name and village and then they could go and do a welfare check to see if my friend made it there? But as I said they weren’t interested in helping at all.

Have also tried to find friend’s close friends on SM to message to see if they can contact the ex gf but none of them seem to be on SM either 😩

It’s going to be a long night I think.

OP posts:
octoberfarm · 03/12/2022 03:38

Could you call the police back (and hope for a more helpful operator?) and focus on the fact she'd promised to contact you, and that when you called there was someone clearly impersonating her on the other end of the line and that you're worried she's being held against her will in a really vulnerable state? I wonder if you're careful with the specific phrasing, whether they might be more mandated to investigate. I have no idea though. Sorry this is happening OP, I really hope you hear from her soon Flowers

dolor · 03/12/2022 03:42

You're probably going to have to wait it out I'm afraid.

Guakamolly · 03/12/2022 03:43

Police don't have the time or resources to trace your friend.
It's more likely she's fine and that you have post-drink paranoia.

XelaM · 03/12/2022 03:48

Have you tried entering the ex's name and village on 192? You could get the exact address that way

Kedece2410 · 03/12/2022 03:50

Unfortunately Police just don't have the resources to go doing welfare checks on every person who doesn't text a friend or answer their phone after a night out. Unless there's a real reason for a genuine concern for her they'll just tell you to wait it out. Tracing someone with just a name & an area isn't as easy as you'd think either.

We had 4 calls in the area I cover last Saturday night from people who had become separated from friends & either wanted a lift home 🙄 or a welfare check carried out.

Hopefully you'll hear from her soon

XelaM · 03/12/2022 03:51

Guakamolly · 03/12/2022 03:43

Police don't have the time or resources to trace your friend.
It's more likely she's fine and that you have post-drink paranoia.

Police did a welfare check on my brother almost immediately when I called to say no one has heard from him and he very uncharacteristically missed an arranged meeting. He was fine thankfully, but police definitely do welfare checks.

Kedece2410 · 03/12/2022 03:53

XelaM · 03/12/2022 03:51

Police did a welfare check on my brother almost immediately when I called to say no one has heard from him and he very uncharacteristically missed an arranged meeting. He was fine thankfully, but police definitely do welfare checks.

Show quote history

They absolutely do but not everyone they're asked to. But whether it's done is based on a risk assessment. The circumstances you've described about your brother is very different to the OPs

XelaM · 03/12/2022 03:54

I would try to find the ex's details on 192.com. It's the easiest way to find someone's address

araiwa · 03/12/2022 04:25

What's the relevance of the driver being South Asian?

BrightSaturn · 03/12/2022 04:35

Have you heard anything from her yet OP?

Original poster
miskovsky · 03/12/2022 04:42

I appreciate what some of you have said about police resources etc and the likelihood of this all being completely benign. I've been in some fairly similar situations before, including on holidays abroad with friends, when they have gone off with a man etc. I've never thought about involving the police.

The thing I can't shake with this one is the first phone call. It was just so eerie. The voice at the beginning sounded deep. I had thought it might have been the ex girlfriend answering the phone, but two things make me question that. First, the voice at the beginning which again I believe was quite deep. I actually know the ex gf because we all work in the same building and she has quite a high pitched soft voice. Secondly was the throat clearance. It sounded very controlled and measured. Eerie. Immediately after that, I said "if whoever this is doesn't speak now, I'm going to call the police". Silence. For 30 seconds until one of us hung up, can't remember who but it was probably me. I definitely sounded really worried on the phone and was begging for them to say something. Maybe the ex gf was pissed off that another woman was ringing her, sure, but would anyone be awful enough not let a panicked friend know their friend is safe?

192 - I've tried that but it would only show me the first part of the postcode. If I make an account can I see the full address? I also worry with how late it is now, that if I sent someone/ went to the address and everything was actually fine that I'd look really psychotic and the ex and probably my friend wouldn't be happy at all. And especially if I sent the police round! I don't drive and no one I know is awake so it would have to be (expensive) taxi or the police which as some have pointed out probably wouldn't be done anyway.

Ugh. I really do wonder if I'm just spiralling here. I can't wait for the morning to come.

OP posts:
Original poster
miskovsky · 03/12/2022 04:45

araiwa · 03/12/2022 04:25

What's the relevance of the driver being South Asian?

In hindsight that wasn't really relevant to this post, however I wrote it not long after calling the police and was essentially trying to relay the exact details I told police. I told them he was an older South Asian man in the hope that if they checked CCTV etc they'd be able to identify him easier. I do apologise if I caused offence. I have had a lot to drink and probably am not thinking/articulating things in the best way.

OP posts:
fairgame84 · 03/12/2022 05:05

Contact the taxi company and see if they can tell you if she got home safely.

Flamingflames · 03/12/2022 05:24

I hope she’s ok and that you get some answers soon.

Original poster
miskovsky · 03/12/2022 05:28

fairgame84 · 03/12/2022 05:05

Contact the taxi company and see if they can tell you if she got home safely.

This is a bloody brilliant idea. However I've just tried to ring the firm and it's just ringing out. Assuming they aren't 24 hours. No opening hours on website either. Grrr!!!! Will try again after 6 as I'm definitely not sleeping now.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 03/12/2022 05:32

I really hope she is okay. I'd be absolutely furious with her, to be honest.

AutumnCrow · 03/12/2022 05:39

I agree to keep trying to contact the taxi company. Tell them you want the driver's badge number if it turns out out he has behaved inappropriately, and report to your council's licensing dept. This kind of thing is taken very seriously.

Original poster
miskovsky · 03/12/2022 05:39

Flamingflames · 03/12/2022 05:24

I hope she’s ok and that you get some answers soon.

Thank you Flowers for the support and to everyone who has replied to this. You've all been brilliant and helped calm me down (a bit)

I found her best friend on FB so have messaged her to see if she has her location on iPhone.

I think one of the reasons I'm so stressed about this is because I feel so guilty about leaving her on her own. I really should've just dragged her out of the taxi but I wasn't thinking straight at all. So if anything bad has happened, even if it's just something minor like she's left her phone in the taxi, I will feel responsible. I'll certainly never be doing that ever again.

OP posts:
704703hey · 03/12/2022 05:50

You're a good friend. It's likely nothing but hope you get hold of her soon.

Givenhud · 03/12/2022 06:05

I hope she's okay, I would still report the taxi driver as he shouldn't have encouraged her.

ReformedWaywardTeen · 03/12/2022 06:28

It's not your fault OP, you've literally done everything you can and more to track her down.

I used to have a messy drunk mate who would worry me senseless all the time. I got to the stage I felt I had to not drink and be responsible for her. It was then pointed out that it was not my job, she was an adult and I'm not her mum. But I had many sleepless nights over her

Hope you get hold of her, and tell her the worry she has caused.