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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call police over drunk friend gone AWOL?

268 replies

miskovsky · 03/12/2022 02:50

Hi, looking for urgent advice. Was on a night out tonight with a friend of mine. Friend got very very drunk. We elected to take a taxi home together around 1AM. I tried as hard as I could to get her to stay at mine so I could know she was safe, but she was hellbent on going to her ex girlfriend's house which is quite far away from where I live. She was also hellbent on dropping me off first. In hindsight I should've stopped her but I was rather drunk at this point too (have sobered up now from the panic).

Taxi driver was a South Asian guy. Friend got in the front. Despite being a staunch lesbian, she was making suggestive comments to the driver and to be honest he wasn't as dismissive as I would've hoped. She said something about staying at his house and he said something along the lines of "I would love to, but I have to work for a few more hours". Imo it sounded like he was serious.

Anyway, when they dropped me off, I told her that if she didn't message me/respond to messages to let me know when she was at ex gf's house I was going to call the police. She seemed cognisant of this and promised to be in touch.

By 2 I hadn't heard anything and she hadn't responded to my texts so I called her. Phone rang out for a long time then "she" answered. I was putting the phone on speaker and I heard a voice which sounded rather low, and not like hers, but I can;t say that's 100% reliable because the phone was far away from my face and not on speaker. Then silence for about 30 seconds, then heard someone clearing their throat - again, did NOT sound like her.

Rang again 10 mins later, it answered on 3rd ring but hung up immediately.

So, I rang 101 (local police) and explained the situation. 101 operator said they’re not interested because “she’s an adult and can make her own decisions”. I contested this and said she's very drunk and vulnerable - operator woman "well we can't just go on what ifs". I suggested them checking the CCTV for the location & time we got into the taxi to obtain the reg and then maybe have police (of which there were dozens standing outside the pub doing nothing) check the ranks to see if the taxi returned? Surely that wouldn;t be too difficult? Again they were not interested.

Also, I dont have the address of the ex gf, but I have her full name and know the village she lives in. Could the police not search for her address and then send someone round to check that she made it there? Am i being dramatic and paranoid/unreasonable or do you think they should be doing more? I just feel that in cases where women's safety is at risk it's always too little too late with them (Alice ruggles, Sarah Everard etc).

OP posts:
Sally090807 · 03/12/2022 07:29

How can she not know her ex girlfriends address and why on earth is a taxi company not responding at 7.30 on a Saturday morning.

Pipsquiggle · 03/12/2022 07:32

Hope your friend is ok

babyyodaxmas · 03/12/2022 07:32

miskovsky · 03/12/2022 07:12

Just remembered an additional detail that is making me kick myself even more. After I got out of the taxi, the driver was reversing etc and my friend rolled down the window and said that she didn't know what the ex gf's address was and the ex gf was not responding to her messages. Which makes me wonder if the ex gf even knew she was coming at all. She might not have even been in the house! I then asked her to stay at mine again which she refused. That's when I made the calling the police comment.

I live in the suburbs of a city. About a 5 min drive from me there is an area called, let's say, "Chocolate" Road. There is also a village further away called "Chocolate" Hill. When we first got into the taxi, she said she needed to go to Chocolate Road. Then when they were driving away she said Chocolate Hill and I saw them driving in the direction of Chocolate Hill. So actually I'm not even sure which one the ex lives in. The journey to Chocolate Hill is extremely rural, think country roads, no lights. God. I'm spiralling again. Now worrying that they could have gotten lost or whatever and he ended up taking her back to his (as she suggested multiple times).

Fucking hell. I think I need a Valium or something.

Obviously this is very worrying to you. But if she ended up going home with the taxi driver what we are talking about are 2 consenting adults spending the night together. I am sure she will be mortified in the morning but why would the police be interested ?

saamantha19881 · 03/12/2022 07:32

What type of phone does she have?

Original poster
miskovsky · 03/12/2022 07:39

babyyodaxmas · 03/12/2022 07:32

Obviously this is very worrying to you. But if she ended up going home with the taxi driver what we are talking about are 2 consenting adults spending the night together. I am sure she will be mortified in the morning but why would the police be interested ?

Show quote history

We were drinking from 4PM - 1AM. She was extremely drunk, apparent to anyone. She also has mental health issues so is vulnerable to begin with. I'd hardly class that as a consenting adult. The driver was completely sober and imo in a position of trust. If anything happened, he was absolutely taking advantage of her.

OP posts:
Original poster
miskovsky · 03/12/2022 07:40

saamantha19881 · 03/12/2022 07:32

What type of phone does she have?

Samsung. I assumed she had an iPhone but went through some photos of her earlier to find a pic of the phone & what it looks like in case it has been handed in to taxi firm. If I ever manage to get through to them, I'm also going to ask about that.

OP posts:
TimeForMeToF1y · 03/12/2022 07:41

saamantha19881 · 03/12/2022 07:32

What type of phone does she have?

Whatever phone it is it's very likely out of battery by now so probably not going to be any use for tracing her

tresleches · 03/12/2022 07:45

araiwa · 03/12/2022 04:25

What's the relevance of the driver being South Asian?

Looks like we'll have to work it out for ourselves

TimeForMeToF1y · 03/12/2022 07:47

tresleches · 03/12/2022 07:45

Looks like we'll have to work it out for ourselves

Show quote history

It's explained above

Onedayatatime22 · 03/12/2022 07:48

Looks like we'll have to work it out for ourselves

@tresleches The OP does address this with a reasonable explanation in one of her longer posts.

VioletCharlotte · 03/12/2022 07:49

Sorry if I've you've said this and I missed it, but have you to tried to find the ex on social media to message her? I would be very worried too if this was my friend. I hope she turns up safe and sound.

softpilllow · 03/12/2022 07:50

The taxi company should not be giving you details about where they drop another customer, if they do, it's a problem. You have no business to ask this, and these are details that they would release to the police upon request, but never to a random caller.

OhRiRi · 03/12/2022 07:52

It's far more likely that the taxi driver is a decent human being than a predator. It sounds like he was just going along with her discussion and giving her a gentle brush off. As a taxi driver, he'll be well versed on keeping intoxicated people happy. He also won't be a stranger to people who are so drunk they can't remember their address etc. With any luck he'll have taken her back to her parents and the noises you heard were her half asleep (or maybe 3/4 asleep!) Talking into her pillow.

Do you have her parents details?

eish · 03/12/2022 07:55

Keep trying friends and the taxi company

JhsLs · 03/12/2022 08:00

Does she have Snapchat, OP? You can sometimes track friends on their map.

Original poster
miskovsky · 03/12/2022 08:05

JhsLs · 03/12/2022 08:00

Does she have Snapchat, OP? You can sometimes track friends on their map.

She does. I searched on it earlier to see if she had a profile and she does. I don't have her as a friend on it though so I've asked the best friend on fb if she has her and to check the location. She's not opened the message yet though. Poor woman is heavily pregnant as well so I hope I haven't stressed her out too much. Didn't even cross my mind when I messaged. I think that's probably our best bet tbh, hoping she wakes up and sees the message soon.

OP posts:
Charlize43 · 03/12/2022 08:07

Isn't there a standard rule of having to wait 48 hours before someone is reported as missing?

If she's was propositioning men there's a good chance that she may have gone home with someone.

Original poster
miskovsky · 03/12/2022 08:09

OhRiRi · 03/12/2022 07:52

It's far more likely that the taxi driver is a decent human being than a predator. It sounds like he was just going along with her discussion and giving her a gentle brush off. As a taxi driver, he'll be well versed on keeping intoxicated people happy. He also won't be a stranger to people who are so drunk they can't remember their address etc. With any luck he'll have taken her back to her parents and the noises you heard were her half asleep (or maybe 3/4 asleep!) Talking into her pillow.

Do you have her parents details?

Of course I hope all of this is true.

I know this woman very well though and I am almost certain that the throat clearing sound wasn't her. It just didn't sound like her at all. And as I said, it was so clear and controlled and measured (I wish you could listen to the phone call) I just really struggle to believe that it would have come from an extremely drunk person.

She isnt in touch with her parents, is staying with aunt & uncle - don't have their details though. Again I think the best bet is the best friend when she wakes up. Hopefully soon :(

OP posts:
Pleasecreateausername13 · 03/12/2022 08:10

OP - you are a great friend but maybe try and get a few hours shut eye. Just to keep yourself fresh and alert.

TimeForMeToF1y · 03/12/2022 08:12

Charlize43 · 03/12/2022 08:07

Isn't there a standard rule of having to wait 48 hours before someone is reported as missing?

If she's was propositioning men there's a good chance that she may have gone home with someone.

That's an urban myth afaik

Original poster
miskovsky · 03/12/2022 08:14

Charlize43 · 03/12/2022 08:07

Isn't there a standard rule of having to wait 48 hours before someone is reported as missing?

If she's was propositioning men there's a good chance that she may have gone home with someone.

I thought this, but according to the missing people website that isn't true. That's why I made the second 101 call. It says report as soon as you suspect. However it seems as though the police don't think this qualifies as a missing person because on both occasions they didnt ask me for any of her details, which the website says they're supposed to do.

I understand it tbf. This must happen all the time, as a PP said. And in the vast majority of cases it's just that they've gotten too drunk and fallen asleep and/or lost the phone. That doesn't make me any less worried though unfortunately. At the end of the day this is someone I care about a lot and I don't know where she is or anything that has happened to her over the last 6 hours. I just want to know she's okay.

OP posts:
NOTANUM · 03/12/2022 08:15

Could the voice clearer have been the uncle trying to turn off the phone if it was loudly ringing? He might not be too tech savvy to think of talking on it.

Redglitter · 03/12/2022 08:16

Isn't there a standard rule of having to wait 48 hours before someone is reported as missing

Only on the TV. You can report someone missing at any time. Any missing person reports are risk assessed & in a lot of cases it'll be deemed to early to pursue but some will get treated seriously from the outset

Janieread · 03/12/2022 08:16

Guakamolly · 03/12/2022 03:43

Police don't have the time or resources to trace your friend.
It's more likely she's fine and that you have post-drink paranoia.

This. I know this will sound harsh, but perhaps moderate your drinking next time?

CatByDay · 03/12/2022 08:19

I'm sorry your friend is missing for now, but I understand the police's position. If you are that worried, get the address of the ex from 192.com and go there. She might know where the family live? Has your friend got her last time of being on WhatsApp?