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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cancelling our attendance to party because money is tight

306 replies

TheQueenOfHearts · 02/12/2022 14:17

I feel a bit bad as I convinced my husband we should cancel our plans to attend a friend's dinner party tomorrow night.
We found out yesterday it was in an expensive restaurant with a set menu of £70 pp (no booze included), and would also have to pay a babysitter so about £60 on top.
DH was made redundant a few weeks ago and in spite of us having some money to get us going for a few months, I don't think it's reasonable to spend so much for a dinner right now...
AIBU? Should we have gone anyway?

OP posts:
danblack87 · 03/12/2022 15:41

I would not pay the deposit either - that is on them. You are being sensible and a real friend would understand. Sounds like it is all for 'show' in any case.

zizza · 03/12/2022 15:48

When I started reading I thought it would be a "dinner party" in the classic sense of "going to someone's house where they cook dinner", then was shocked to see how much they were expecting you to spend without much warning, and no mention of a deposit beforehand. If the deposit was really that high surely they should've mentioned it to the guests much earlier!

YADNBU IMO! It's a shame you're out of pocket for something that could've been avoided if the organiser had given it more consideration

danblack87 · 03/12/2022 15:57

If the host paid the deposit for everyone who was invited and saved the date in their diaries (* doubt they had to pay £50 for each up front (more like £30-£40/ person)) ++ they should have confirmed numbers weeks ago and asked the invitees for the deposit up front at least two weeks prior ... they are not very good at organising/they are not very nice people. Don't be fooled, check with restaurant if you feel the need to compensate - I personally wouldn't (well Maybe, a tenner each Max)

Original poster
TheQueenOfHearts · 03/12/2022 16:14

Thanks everyone who shared their thoughts and made me feel better about reacting this way.
Although I would have preferred to completely get away with it, DH is going by himself tonight.
We have saved on the babysitter (half of it) and DH said he wouldn't pay for the deposit for me. We hope either the restaurant accepts equivalent in drinks etc, or that friend will suck it up?
We both agree it was poor communication and organisation from friend, won't fall for this again hopefully...

The restaurant policy is clear (although nuts) that it's £50pp deposit for late cancellation. They probably expect guests to spend £100 in average. I mean they don't even sell wine by the glass, it's a bottle or a cocktail for £15... I swear I'll never commit to anything again without knowing what's going on

OP posts:
Sennelier1 · 03/12/2022 16:19

YANBU but I think you should tell your friends the real reason you cancel, so as to not give the false impression this has to do with them. Real friends will be understanding.

DunkingMyDonuts · 03/12/2022 16:39

What is "late cancellation" though? Surely that means more than 24 hours beforehand, which is what you gave your friend

Original poster
TheQueenOfHearts · 03/12/2022 16:51

DunkingMyDonuts · 03/12/2022 16:39

What is "late cancellation" though? Surely that means more than 24 hours beforehand, which is what you gave your friend

72 hours

OP posts:
NoelNoNoel · 03/12/2022 16:52

So are you actually saving much by not going?

rookiemere · 03/12/2022 16:57

Oh crikey OP, you've really ended up with the sticky end of the lollipop here.

You just know it's going to be "Champagne all round for the birthday boy" then at the end "Lets all split the bill, of course birthday boy must be treated!"

If it's at all feasible, you could suggest to DH that he leaves early and just puts in for what he has spent with an approximation on the wine. Even better if he drives and then he doesn't chip in for the wine. He can suggest perhaps that you or one of the DC is under the weather so he doesn't want to leave you alone for too long.

Of course I'm betting he won't want to do either of these things.

Original poster
TheQueenOfHearts · 03/12/2022 17:00

NoelNoNoel · 03/12/2022 16:52

So are you actually saving much by not going?

Saving half I would say

OP posts:
Original poster
TheQueenOfHearts · 03/12/2022 17:02

rookiemere · 03/12/2022 16:57

Oh crikey OP, you've really ended up with the sticky end of the lollipop here.

You just know it's going to be "Champagne all round for the birthday boy" then at the end "Lets all split the bill, of course birthday boy must be treated!"

If it's at all feasible, you could suggest to DH that he leaves early and just puts in for what he has spent with an approximation on the wine. Even better if he drives and then he doesn't chip in for the wine. He can suggest perhaps that you or one of the DC is under the weather so he doesn't want to leave you alone for too long.

Of course I'm betting he won't want to do either of these things.

Yeah he plans to leave early, and he will be careful about spendings. Maybe the guests will pay for a/some drinks? I suppose we'll have to see...

OP posts:
rookiemere · 03/12/2022 17:05

I'm relegated upstairs this evening as teen DS having some pals over in DH and rookiedogs absence, so I shall await any updates with interest!

clynneand · 03/12/2022 17:33

This is now my new favourite phrase.

Absolutely fine to cancel. I'm in a similar position myself, and yeah it sucks but if you do not have money for it, you just do not. Friends should be kind and understand if they are friend.

Ibizamumof4 · 03/12/2022 17:33

No I thinks it’s ok they should be expecting it knowing your situation.sometimes you gif to put yourselves first.

clynneand · 03/12/2022 17:33

The phrase about not setting yourself on fire to keep others warm.

OMG12 · 03/12/2022 17:41

tbh, unless you’re a usually very flush group of friends I think expecting people to spend prob well over £100 each on a night out is CF territory. Money is tight generally, I suspect this sort of thing is going to become increasingly rare. More nights in with takeaways or home cooked food

threatmatrix · 03/12/2022 17:52

Id tell them sorry but at the moment you can’t afford it. If it was me I wouldn’t mind at all. Who would want to put their friends in debt. Also it’s a big gathering so you won’t be missed

Islandgirl68 · 03/12/2022 17:55

You are not unreasonable, that is a lot of money when your partner has just been made redundant, if your friends are good friends they will understand, you have to do what is right for you. You are in a situation where although ther is redundancy money you don't know how long it needs to last, so you need to be so careful with money just now.

SusanneBen · 03/12/2022 17:58

You can't afford it and a real friend wouldn't want you to go if it put you in a bad place. Sorry this is happening to you but in these times, we are all facing similar situations.

Loudmouth1 · 03/12/2022 17:59

@whataboutya if your the type of "friend" who would get pissed off and make your mate feel bad for having financial issues and cancelling last minute because funds are tight wouldn't want to be your friend. I have a 2 year old and pregnant again and I cancelled on my friend literally 6 hours before because I felt poorly and tbh money was tight and she didn't find it unreasonable because she's a proper mate.

Iknowthis1 · 03/12/2022 17:59

As it's a milestone birthday and you weren't asked for a deposit or told the set price, are you sure your friend isn't paying for the whole thing?

dogsbody1 · 03/12/2022 18:01

Am.i confused did u find out yesterday about the party? Or realized yesterday it wouldnt be a wise decision aith your partner been made redundant few weeks ago.

patricktravers · 03/12/2022 18:05

Listen it don't matter if its short notice or you let ppl down not everyone's life , finances or personal life is the same
I think you are being sensible and thinking bout the presence time and looking after your finances instead of wasting money you obviously can't afford at the moment
Don't take notice of negative messages

I

billy1966 · 03/12/2022 18:05

Peashoots · 02/12/2022 20:45

I agree with this. I can’t believe they haven’t made it crystal clear it was such an expensive venue and a set menu (the set menu alone would out a lot of people off). They’ve been really underhand and if they’re out of pocket, it’s their own fault.

Show quote history

Completely agree.

Would be similar but cannot imagine anyone being so presumptuous.

They are having a fancy dinner but not paying for it.

Leaving to the last minute to tell you dinner is 70pp is absolutely CF territory.

You should have been given this information weeks ago.

I would be seriously unimpressed.

carefulcalculator · 03/12/2022 18:07

whataboutya · 02/12/2022 14:19

We don't know the ins and outs of your finances and of course YANBU to not be able to afford to attend an expensive dinner BUT YABVVVU to cancel the day before.

You have to do what you have to do but if I was the friend I would be pissed off.

I wouldn't be pissed off with a friend where they had been made redundant, no one actually needs 'friends' who would want someone to spend money they don't have spare.

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