Cancelling our attendance to party because money is tight

[TheQueenOfHearts]

I feel a bit bad as I convinced my husband we should cancel our plans to attend a friend's dinner party tomorrow night.
We found out yesterday it was in an expensive restaurant with a set menu of £70 pp (no booze included), and would also have to pay a babysitter so about £60 on top.
DH was made redundant a few weeks ago and in spite of us having some money to get us going for a few months, I don't think it's reasonable to spend so much for a dinner right now...
AIBU? Should we have gone anyway?

YANBU. It's a shame you didn’t realise earlier, but you are where you are. I've done this in the past myself. It would be madness to spend that sort of money in your situation.

You have to do what's right for you and your family, if you can't afford to go then you can't stretch yourselves like that to save someone's feelings. Not sure of your friendship circle but my friends wouldn't expect that of me. I'm sure a good friend would understand your situation.

yes because if it is a Friday or Saturday night, they may have turned down other opportunities to earn and now it is too late as everyone will have organised themselves with another babysitter. It's the same as with any service. You blocked out their time then cancelled disabling them from earning from another source

It's not that the OP 'didn't realise'. She wasn't told.

The hosts were being unreasonable in not making it clear earlier what the cost would be. If arranging something potentially expensive with friends I will always make that clear or at least include a link to the menu with costs etc.

On the other hand, perhaps you should have asked about the venue earlier to check it was affordable, rather than assuming it would be a gastropub.

Having said that - if a friend was short of money after redundancy and cancelled on me due to finances I would never think badly of them. I would hate someone to put themselves in financial difficulties just because they’d committed to a dinner. So overall YANBU and you have done your best to make up for any losses to the host or babysitter .

As an aside I don’t think £50pp is a crazy deposit for a menu costing £70pp plus drinks. If someone pulls out with little notice the restaurant makes a big loss - they’ll have paid for ingredients, staff etc based on booked numbers and they may have turned down other bookings. Restaurants are run on tight margins and late cancellations or no shows really hurt them. I’ve seen more and more restaurants asking for deposits (not just for large groups any more) and I can’t say I blame them.

Well you wouldn't be much of a friend then. A friend would be sad for OP and be understanding. There's probably a few other guests who would rather not be going.

Yes, sorry. I understand. I just meant it could feel more uncomfortable bowing out at the last minute, but the OP shouldn't feel bad about it. Clearly as they would have needed a babysitter, they have kids as well as their household commitments. It's an awful time to be in this situation when everything is going up so scarily in price and Christmas around the corner.

If I was your friend and I knew your husband had just been made redundant I would totally understand.

It’s poor. Unless you move in particularly wealthy circles, you give people the detail of the costs.

It’s not hard “I fancy going to x swish restaurant for my birthday and doing private dining, they have a set menu of £70 per head, do you fancy it?”

OP you were put in an impossible position.

I think yourebeing very sensible. And Martin Lewis would agree with me.

I do get annoyed by last minute cancellations if I’ve organised a party but this is not the hosts having to cook , pay for food, drink etc.
This is totally different and everyone is paying and eating out. You are in a very understandable situation in which to need you cancel. It’s an expensive night out. Just say how much you regret having to miss it but you are in a difficult situation right now and need to be careful with money.

You did the right thing OP , it's pity you didn't cancel sooner but l would understand if it were me. Good luck to your Dh with getting a new job

I think its a very sensible idea. You have to put your family first. Don't feel pressured to attend an event if it's going to be a financial burden. Your friends should be understanding. X

YANBU if you did not know it was going to be in an expensive restaurant until just beforehand, but surely the friend would have said whether it was a 'dinner party' as in dinner at her house, or whether it was a 'party in a restaurant' when she invited you? If not, very strange of her as I'd assume a dinner party was at the hosts house.

It's shitty to cancel on the day or day before for any other reason than genuine illness/family emergency/childcare fell through etc. I had this happen to me twice in the past six months when supposedly meeting a friend (not the same one each time) for a meal out and I'd got dressed up, made plans, excited etc. Both used the excuse of illness but.. well, they were fine the day before!

"Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm"

So true. This has got me thinking about some things. Not a dinner party, some other things.

To be honest, in this particular situation, I wouldn't even have offered to pay the deposit for the 2 of you. I don't think anyone who is at all reasonable or who thinks about their friends at all, would have booked a very expensive restaurant, and paid a £50 per head deposit without checking with the guests. I think you were put in an impossible position and you should just have gone ahead and both cancelled.

I'm not at all sure that if only one person doesn't turn up, that the restaurant will actually 'charge' the £50 onto the bill either. More likely they will bill those who are there for food consumed and take off the deposit already paid

Deposits are an awkward situation all round for the restaurant. I'd assume here they wouldn't charge it as majority of booking has still come.
But overall it's a major jerk move for a friend to commit you to £50 per person and not tell you until after the free cancellation period.

i would cancel and i also wouldnt pay the deposit if it had been sprung on us that it was that expensive. The restaurant will likely take the deposit paid off the cost of the entire meal. Its to prevent everyone cancelling and going elsewhere. Most restaurants arent dicks about it

YANBU

we had a similar thing last month. £80 per head. Ended up being almost £200 (!!!!!) per head including booze.

we regretted going for rest of the month as we were broke. I can’t believe people still assume for their important day friends should shell out so much.

I’m sorry your husband was made redundant. No you’re definitely NBU . That’s 200 before you even start . I wouldn’t even worry about it . I think anyone in that situation would have done the same .

If they want a big milestone birthday and a private lounge type experience they should be paying for their guests or at least subsidising drinks very heavily and not expecting others to pay for so much for their own birthday. It is incredibly insensitive given many people are struggling at the moment. I think they have been very rude about the whole thing.

i wouldn’t have paid half to the babysitter. You were generous there. Cancellations happen and it is by its nature pretty informal.

and paid a £50 per head deposit without checking with the guests

Yes this is a very good point. Surely at the point that the host had to pay the deposit, or when it became non refundable, they should have sent a message round checking people could still make it and mentioning the deposit. Even if they had failed to make the costs clear at the outset, this was another opportunity to check in before committing people financially. Who knows, attendees could be ill or having an unexpected family crisis, work crisis etc, just makes sense to check in if there is £50pp at stake.

It would be funny if after all this the hosts end up picking up the bill.

I think this is a case of the organisers being unreasonable for picking an expensive restaurant at the last minute and expecting everyone to be able to afford the evening out.

They should either have told guests what the venue was from the start, so you had a chance to say no early on, or chosen somewhere more affordable to make sure no one would be excluded.

You are right to decline under the circumstances. If you don't want to tell your friends you are doing this for financial reasons, just say that you are feeling unwell and prefer not to attend.