Cancelling our attendance to party because money is tight

[TheQueenOfHearts]

I feel a bit bad as I convinced my husband we should cancel our plans to attend a friend's dinner party tomorrow night.
We found out yesterday it was in an expensive restaurant with a set menu of £70 pp (no booze included), and would also have to pay a babysitter so about £60 on top.
DH was made redundant a few weeks ago and in spite of us having some money to get us going for a few months, I don't think it's reasonable to spend so much for a dinner right now...
AIBU? Should we have gone anyway?

£50 is expensive for a deposit. Could you phone the restaurant to double check that the deposit is definitely £50. I would say definitely cancel and pay back the deposit in instalments if necessary. If it were me I wouldn't commit to any other social things unless I knew exactly how much the cost is going to be.

Strongly feel that you are NOT BU. You don’t owe anyone more than you can afford to give, a night out should be a treat, if you’re worried about paying for it it’s ridiculous to attend and friends will understand. And if they don’t - what kind of friends are they anyway?

my guess is they didn't want anyone to pull out, so didn't make it clear until last minute.

All the more reason to pull out and not pay the deposits. The hosts have behaved appallingly.

It depends on the socio economic group you belong to. I cannot imagine any of my friends/relatives arranging a £70 per head meal without drinks plus knowing baby sitting costs need to be met. They might arrange it but it would be well in advance giving everyone time to be prepared.
We were in a similar position a few years ago. It’s best to be upfront and simply say “ Sorry, it as you know, X was made redundant and we simply can’t afford £xxxxxxxx at the moment”. Send a card/gift if appropriate. if you don’t cancel, they will just assume you can afford it. Good luck..

Some things are more important than money. You and/or your DH might get a lot from a lovely fun night out with friends.
It's tough being made redundant. You need to enjoy the good times too. I do get the money thing though..

Thing is they could have had a lovely night out at their normal gastro pub venues for a quarter of the price, but friend has unilaterally committed them to a night out that costs as much as a UK weekend break for 2.

YANBU, you are being sensible and responsible. And the friends shouldn't be surprised or offended that you've cancelled in the circumstances.

It's absolutely ridiculous thinking 70 a head is 'ok' without giving the heads up when the invite went out. & I wouldn't pay babysitter 25 for nothing with 2 days notice (that's just me, my son babysits & if the family cancel - usually due to illness there's no way he'd expect payment) & I hope your dh has a good night & doesn't pay 50 for you. And he gets sorted for work soon it's very tough.

This is precisely my thought around this. OP's husband will rock up about 2:00am having had a wonderful time on his hosts.

So many things don't line up for me .... dinner party (not birthday dinner) .... save the date (like a wedding invitation) ..... no mention of deposit being required from guests .... annoyance at lost £50x2 deposits ....

These are all, to me anyway, indications of hosts not organisers.

I am the type who thinks I shouldn’t do this, I can’t afford it and does it anyway. I wish I wasn’t as I am rubbish at saving and run out of money half way through the month, despite being on a good salary. Good for you for having willpower. I hope your husband gets a good new job v soon.

Just realised what I said was pretty stupid. Money is really important if you don't have any!!
Hopefully the night out won't impact the family too much and spending time with friends will help keep your DHs confidence up and he can find a new job really soon 💐

YATNBU. Hope you called the organiser, explained the situation & I hope they took it well/understood.
Many of us are finding ourselves in situations that we never though possible.
Despite many of us thinking covid was as bad as it could get it we now know it wasn’t & isn’t 😬
Personally it is not like it was just you & the friends going for the meal & you’re leaving her/him & their partner alone at the restaurant.

Did you not read the thread ? The OP only found out the day before that they were expected at an expensive restaurant, having been invited to a. ‘Dinner party’. The hosts YABVVVU in not being clearer about the venue from the start.

Ouff, that was tricky, OP. It's horrible to have to cancel so late, but I personally think that the host should have made the cost clear from the outset, it's simply not fair to expect people to fork out £££ without letting them know in advance.

Just want to say thank you for compensating your babysitter!
I babysit regularly and really rely on that income so if people cancel last minute I would be so annoyed - I've blocked my time out for that booking, probably turned down other work etc so why should I not be compensated? I have bills to pay too 🤷 luckily I've not had anyone cancel on me last minute but I see many nannies having to write up terms and conditions etc for babysitting families who let them down last minute and don't expect to pay anything

£60 for a babysitter? !!!!

Cancel .. you couldn't go if one of your kids were sick u don't have to give the real reason for not going don't let anyone make you feel bad on here it's not a shitty thing to do cancel and take some financial pressure off yourself unless just uou grand DH minds kids whose friend is it your or his ...

Tell your husband to be careful they don’t split the bill. If he leaves early he can pay his share and drinks that he has plus a tip. This should be cheaper than paying for everyone else’s meals and drinks.

This is ridiculous. If it is a big birthday and you want a private room in a fancy restaurant then you host it and pay for everyone. That's what has happened previously with people I know. It's ££££ but you can't expect others to pay hundreds of pounds to celebrate your birthday.

Otherwise, go to a normal restaurant and be done with it.

Doesn't OP state perfectly clearly that she found out the day before posting? The unreasonable one here is whoever planned such an expensive occasion without consulting the people they expect to pay for it.

DH paid about £85 in the end, with wine, he must have been drinking quite less than usually.
He's not sure if the deposit for me was charged, the organisers didn't mention it.

Overall, I'm glad only one of us went. We saved over £100 between my meal and the babysitter costs.
Sad to have to, but looking at my smart reader today after such a cold day, I don't regret it.

£140 for a meal plus drinks! No you’re not unreasonable to cancel.. that’s silly money and with a baby sitter on top… £200 is a huge chunk of a months electric / gas bill!!!