Cancelling our attendance to party because money is tight

[TheQueenOfHearts]

I feel a bit bad as I convinced my husband we should cancel our plans to attend a friend's dinner party tomorrow night.
We found out yesterday it was in an expensive restaurant with a set menu of £70 pp (no booze included), and would also have to pay a babysitter so about £60 on top.
DH was made redundant a few weeks ago and in spite of us having some money to get us going for a few months, I don't think it's reasonable to spend so much for a dinner right now...
AIBU? Should we have gone anyway?

I don't think it's unreasonable to cancel at all - I'm surprised that your friends even think it's OK to expect people to pay £70 pp for a set menu - how many people were due to go as I would guess you may not be the only people cancelling.

I do feel hosts should pay for guests, I did set limit on menu, and informed them of buying their owns drinks at 60 th.
worked and saved this situation

How was the invite scribed / messaged? Because generally a birthday invite I'd expect it to be hosted by the host! I think it weird expecting people to pay for their own meal as well as bringing a birthday present. I mean going for drinks as a casual "fancy going out for a drink, maybe something to eat?" (Fine I'd expect to pay) compared to "save the date, we request the pleasure of your company to celebrate Alex's birthday" I would assume I'm being invited as a guest and wouldn't be expected to pay for my meal. Obvs I'd bring a gift, but that's it.

Not unreasonable at all to cancel. Forget compensation, it should have been made clear at the time of invitation it was going to cost so much.

I would not dream of inviting friends to an expensive restaurant without a lot of notice unless I was paying. They are CF and I would not cover any deposit.

I would call the friend and briefly- or in detail depending if you prefer - explain I can’t afford to attend, maybe catch up with a coffee.

How can the deposit be 50 per person when the set menu is 70?

That's nuts.

If the person organising the meal didn't tell you how much the deposit was and you didn't agree to pay it then I wouldn't pay it, to be honest.

There's absolutely no excuse for them not telling you which restaurant it was until the day before, they will have had to book this a while ago. This is massive cheeky fuckery on their part.

If you don't want people to drop out at the last minute because they've just found out how expensive the restaurant is, tell them which restaurant it is in the first place, or go somewhere cheaper.

Seriously, don't pay. Let them go whistle for it.

You've done the right thing. Friends are incredibly rude to invite people and expect guests to pay their own way without providing any of the details.

If friend gets annoyed, I'd get annoyed back at the lateness of the information and throw in a passive aggressive comment about the redundancy for god measure. They are so out of order.

If it was a non refundable deposit of £50pp they should have informed everyone BEFORE they put down the deposit! Thats ridiculous! I must be from a totally different social circle but I don't know a single friend who could breezily expect to pay £70 for food each without a heads up.

Completely rude of them, please don't give them £100, it is not fair they didn't tell you it was going to be such an expensive do and you have very valid extenuating circumstances! X

I'd be completely up front and let everyone know in a group message: Sorry we can't join you. X was recently made redundant and we cannot afford this expenditure at the moment. Hope you all have a brilliant time.

I guess others will wish they could also back out in such a public way. They might be finding their own more subtle way to excuse themselves.

I can't believe that the organisers booked something so expensive without telling everyone in advance, especially with a fixed menu where no one can back out or reduce their contribution. I've been the impoverished friend who has the cheapest main course (no starter or pudding) and one single glass of wine because my budget was less that £30 (including transport). I've gone along to be part of it all, to feel I wasn't excluded because of my finances.

A dinner party would imply that they were providing the food....are you sure they are not paying?

Yeah I think your husband should just be upfront and say, "Look, we are having to cancel because we didn't realise it was going to be so expensive, money is really tight at the moment and we just can't afford it. Obviously that means we can't pay for the deposit either, because the reason we can't come is financial. I'm sorry we won't be there to help you celebrate, hopefully we can have a drink together soon though."

I think that would be seen as an invitation to mutiny.

It's best to approach the host quietly and not make a song and dance about it.

Not everybody in the friendship group is watching every penny. It would be inappropriate to appear to openly chide the hosts for their plans.

I would be doing this! I dont believe they ask for a £50 deposit pp for a £70 menu

I agree with this. I can’t believe they haven’t made it crystal clear it was such an expensive venue and a set menu (the set menu alone would out a lot of people off). They’ve been really underhand and if they’re out of pocket, it’s their own fault.

In your position I would definitely have cancelled and not offered to pay £50 pp deposit they claim to have lost.🤔

Sorry but the lost deposit

• if it exists - is their fault! They should have checked the expensive venue and pricey set menu was ok with everyone prior to confirming.

What if you don't like the meal they have chosen? Again, they should have checked with everyone.

If they take the huff then tough! Don't be fooled into paying money you can't afford in order to keep an inconsiderate friendship of this nature.

Sorry, not sure how the weird spacing happened with my post.🙄

I do think your friends should have been more explicit about the details, and they have dealt with it badly, but I can't quite get my head around not having a clue what was happening right up to the day before?

You say you always get dressed up anyway, so you didn't need to ask about clothes, but then you said you thought it was a pub gathering? With kids and babysitters to arrange etc. I can't quite work out why no one asked so they could make plans. Taxis etc? I know you say you're usually one hour from everything, but that's quite a distance for an evening out!

I'm NOT trying to trip you up here - not one bit - it's just that I'm starting to think that a sliver of the responsibility lies with you for not finding out the details of a plan you'd made before the 11th hour.

None of that excuses your friend's behaviour. Sorry if I've missed it upthread, but who made contact with who about the restaurant today?

Don't feel guilty £70 pp is very high for a group meal. It's completely wrong to propose such an expensive venue without telling people in advance. A minimum spend of around £25-30 would be the max I would consider for a party

Don't be fooled into paying money you can't afford in order to keep an inconsiderate friendship of this nature

I agree.

Haven’t had chance to RTFT
but be honest (discreetly) about your reasons for having to cancel. Friends seem a little thoughtless - it’s Xmas, cost of living is rising, v expensive time of year for many. It’s not considerate of them to inform of costs so late.

It’s the “friends” who are being massively unreasonable! They should have told you weeks ago what the price per head was. It’s not a dinner party where you just bring wine and chocs/flowers.

I would have no hesitation in cancelling and telling them exactly why. If they’ve paid such a high deposit without informing you first, that’s entirely on them and there’s no way I would be paying it.

YANBU. It's an extravagance in your current situation and not unreasonable to cut it.

If you feel you may offend your hosts, invite them round for a cheese & wine which will be a cheaper option for you.

I would never invite people to celebrate my birthday in a restaurant if I wasn't expecting to pay for them. I would perhaps only invite a few, but I hate this idea of people having to cough up to celebrate you!

YANBU = real friends would understand. Get yourselves a takeaway for the two of you and have a lovely evening on £20 (with a bottle of wine). No babysitter fees, no taxi costs and not over £240+ (inc baby sitter and taxi) for a posh meal in an extravagant place. I would not go either. It is astronomically stupid in these COL time, especially with Christmas coming up. Priorities.