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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel part of a secret life

177 replies

Museumland · 02/12/2022 13:00

DBF and I have been dating for 5 months in a close relationship where we spend a lot of time together. He is separated from his wife and has been for 3 years and is divorcing. He has great relationships with his adult children (early 20s) and is caring and loving to them. He sees one of them, his son for dinners/coffees and lunches 3 times a week. His wife knows about me and his friends, some of whom I have met, but to his children I am referred to as a friend. He is hosting the Christmas lunch and his children will stay for a week. I completely understand that dating 5 months isn't long, but by the same token his children are adults and I can't help feeling that I am compartmentalised. He is busy talking and making plans for Christmas none of which include me from Christmas Eve onwards and I am feeling a bit hurt. I also completely understand that for important things his children should come before me. But I think he feels his children will feel upset if they know he is in a relationship and he obviously wants to avoid that notwithstanding whether their reaction is reasonable. I don't really know how to handle this situation because it's delicate and I wouldn't want him to think I am resentful towards his children.

OP posts:
CheeseIsMyPatronus · 02/12/2022 13:03

How old is everyone involved? That makes a difference.

THB, 5 months is pretty quick to be spending Christmas together, and I definitely wouldn't spring "here's my new girlfriend, SUPRISE" on them at Christmas.

Better to mention he's seeing someone, it's early days, and he's seeing how it's going.

TinFoilHatty · 02/12/2022 13:04

He is still a married man, and therefore his stance towards telling his children that he has a girlfriend is quite honourable, really. A bit sucky for you, I agree, but - you chose to get involved with someone who is not free from contractual entanglement.

I hope you can make super plans for those five days, no moping about, keep yourself busy so you don't have time to ruminate. (have a non mumsnetty hug, don't tell anyone, I have a rep to keep up)

girlmom21 · 02/12/2022 13:07

At 5 months there's not really much to tell his children. They know you exist. They'll know there's something there.

I wouldn't expect to be involved in his Christmas plans at this stage

Original poster
Museumland · 02/12/2022 13:07

I completely agree with you, I am not suggesting that I join them for Christmas lunch! But it would be nice to see him at some point over the Christmas period...

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 02/12/2022 13:08

I think this is around the time you’d be intro-ing a partner to adult kids, but it’s fair enough he doesn’t want to do this just before Christmas, or involve you in Christmas with his kids, especially mid divorce.

It’s crap for you though and absolutely fair enough to feel that.

Please make plans to have as much fun as possible.

I would expect an intro to them by Easter - or summer / 12 months in at the absolute latest.

londonrach · 02/12/2022 13:08

Sorry op I'm with your dbf . Five months is very quick and he is still in the process of getting divorced. If you still together by next Christmas I'd be upset if we're you and not invited. Let this go for this Christmas and make your own plans x

Lkydfju · 02/12/2022 13:09

Has he been in a relationship since his marriage ended? How would he want to involve you in the future? I do find it odd that he calls you a friend and I would have thought he’d at least have some plans to introduce you soon

Original poster
Museumland · 02/12/2022 13:11

TinFoilHatty · 02/12/2022 13:04

He is still a married man, and therefore his stance towards telling his children that he has a girlfriend is quite honourable, really. A bit sucky for you, I agree, but - you chose to get involved with someone who is not free from contractual entanglement.

I hope you can make super plans for those five days, no moping about, keep yourself busy so you don't have time to ruminate. (have a non mumsnetty hug, don't tell anyone, I have a rep to keep up)

Thank you... that's a really interesting stance. I do think men want it a bit both ways as in separated equals single but then as you say there's the contractual entanglement of still being married. Thanks very much for the hug and advice.

OP posts:
Sprouttreesareamazing · 02/12/2022 13:11

I met my now dh one November.. I told adult dc a few weeks in as I felt deceitful! I wasn't quite divorced. They actually wanted to invite him over Christmas.., he actually came for Xmas lunch at their suggestion!
Your bf is a big wuss...

Watchthesunrise · 02/12/2022 13:16

I'd tell him clearly that you'd like to be involved in next year's Christmas, then book tickets to somewhere fabulous and far away to stop me thinking about it. The worst outcome here will be you pining in boxing day and coming across resentful or desperate. So get outa town... Prague? Thailand?

THisbackwithavengeance · 02/12/2022 13:18

On MN you have to be dating for years to be even considered as a DP or to meet kids.

The kids (adults) are not stupid and will assume that a 'friend' means a girlfriend.

I think it's a bit shit that he's not made any move to see you over the Xmas holiday and I would be pissed off too, particularly if I wasn't busy or going to be alone. It's like you're the OW.

I would probably mention that you're going to miss him over the Xmas period and it would be nice to spend a bit of time with him and see what he says. It would've been nice and even polite to include you for Boxing Day drinks.

Ultimately if the relationship is otherwise going very well I'd probably let this one go with the disclaimer that next Xmas you would expect to be together should you still be together of course.

nicknamehelp · 02/12/2022 13:20

As the daughter in a very similar situation it is very strange hearing your df talk about a new relationship and brings up a lot of emotions. But as I did they will guess you are more than a friend. Perhaps this year he just feels its too soon to introduce you into Christmas.

Newwardrobe · 02/12/2022 13:25

Perhaps the children have twigged that you're more than a friend and have told him they're not ready to meet you.

MRSDoos · 02/12/2022 13:29

I’d of want my parents to tell me if they had a new relationship but understand everyone is different and reacts differently. I can completely understand why you shouldn’t introduce a new boyfriend / girlfriend into a child’s life too soon and if they were 6 years old it would be a different story.

I imagine it is going to bring up emotions for them and maybe they are still coping with their parents splitting. He isn’t even yet officially divorced. I would accept it this Christmas and give it a few more months and then speak to DBF again about maybe telling his children.

I can see why you’d be upset about not seeing him at Christmas period. I’m sure if this relationship continues that next year will be different, so I’d say let it go for this year and focus on your relationship blossoming next year x

notdaddycool · 02/12/2022 13:38

I would accept it this year but say now if you are still together next Christmas you expect to spend it with him and to be 'out' to his kids in advance.

Bookworm20 · 02/12/2022 13:43

If they were children. then absolutely. But they are adults? Thats so odd.

So your daddys new friend? Seriously, they are adults!

And yes after 5 months, although its fairly soon but you have met friends in his life and his ex wife knows about you, and yet he is excluding you for 5 days over xmas. I think you have every right to be hurt.
I think this would make me feel more like daddys little secret, than his actual new partner. Again, with children obviously its so hard to navigate, but adults when the parents split up 3 years ago, its all a bit odd.

MzHz · 02/12/2022 13:45

Museumland · 02/12/2022 13:07

I completely agree with you, I am not suggesting that I join them for Christmas lunch! But it would be nice to see him at some point over the Christmas period...

End it. Seriously, he’s not making any space in his life for you at all. He should WANT to see you at Christmas

BuckarooBanzai · 02/12/2022 14:02

The way I look at it there's 3 options. Option 1 is that he thinks you are happy with your own plans and he's giving you space to enjoy them.
Option 2 is he's going to surprise you with some sort of grand gesture xmas day. Option 3 is that he's letting you know the pecking order of his family and that you are way down the list.

2bazookas · 02/12/2022 14:51

You ARE "a friend". It's the truth.

What other title do you expect him to tell his children, after after 5 month relationship with you, when he is separated but still married to their mother?

Beetlejuice43 · 03/12/2022 06:31

I don’t agree with any of these comments. 5 months is not quick. They are adult children as well. It’s not Victorian England. What’s bothering me is he hasn’t spoken to you about why he is behaving as he is, and why you are on here instead of telling him how you feel. Your feelings matter and are valid. Tell him you’re not happy. If he does not acknowledge your feelings, there’s a massive red flag right there. And it’s rubbish after three years that he’s honouring his marriage - utter crap!

LadyWithLapdog · 03/12/2022 06:43

Interesting to see how forgiving some on MN are about Matt Hancock and his Gina being so very public.

FWIW I’d be hurt too especially if they are serious about their divorce and you weren’t the cause of it.

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/12/2022 06:49

BuckarooBanzai · 02/12/2022 14:02

The way I look at it there's 3 options. Option 1 is that he thinks you are happy with your own plans and he's giving you space to enjoy them.
Option 2 is he's going to surprise you with some sort of grand gesture xmas day. Option 3 is that he's letting you know the pecking order of his family and that you are way down the list.

Option two is absolutely never the case.

Xmasbaby11 · 03/12/2022 06:56

I agree with you OP - you should see him at some point over Xmas. He should want to, though if he doesn't want to introduce you at Xmas, you could agree when would be a good time to do so. Have you met other family members or friends?

GyozaGuiting · 03/12/2022 07:00

I get it Op, 5 months into my relationship we’d said we loved each other and had met parents and so on (now married for 10 years).
I don’t think it’s much to ask to be factored in a bit!

LBFseBrom · 03/12/2022 07:01

As you said, it is early days for your relationship. At this stage I don't think there is anything wrong in compartments, in your place I would put him in a compartment! The idea of even meeting his adult children after such a short while would terrify me.

Enjoy the relationship as it is, it may progress it may not but have fun in the meantime. Once you are out in the open there will inevitably be questions and expectations which is, frankly, a bit of a drag..