Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

To feel part of a secret life

177 replies

Museumland · 02/12/2022 13:00

DBF and I have been dating for 5 months in a close relationship where we spend a lot of time together. He is separated from his wife and has been for 3 years and is divorcing. He has great relationships with his adult children (early 20s) and is caring and loving to them. He sees one of them, his son for dinners/coffees and lunches 3 times a week. His wife knows about me and his friends, some of whom I have met, but to his children I am referred to as a friend. He is hosting the Christmas lunch and his children will stay for a week. I completely understand that dating 5 months isn't long, but by the same token his children are adults and I can't help feeling that I am compartmentalised. He is busy talking and making plans for Christmas none of which include me from Christmas Eve onwards and I am feeling a bit hurt. I also completely understand that for important things his children should come before me. But I think he feels his children will feel upset if they know he is in a relationship and he obviously wants to avoid that notwithstanding whether their reaction is reasonable. I don't really know how to handle this situation because it's delicate and I wouldn't want him to think I am resentful towards his children.

OP posts:

LBFseBrom · 03/12/2022 07:04

GyozaGuiting · Today 07:00
I get it Op, 5 months into my relationship we’d said we loved each other and had met parents and so on (now married for 10 years).
I don’t think it’s much to ask to be factored in a bit!
.......................

My husband and I were like that but we were young and very much in love.

Had you been married before, with children? That does make a tremendous difference.

Tomatoblush · 03/12/2022 07:05

Has he asked you what are your plans for Christmas.
I think it’s appalling that he’s not asking you over for drinks or a meal as a friend.
It doesn’t even have to be a giant announcement just my friend x is coming for Christmas/Christmas eve/Boxing Day dinner.

wildseas · 03/12/2022 07:05

I think as a parent he knows his children best. Even though they are adults they will likely find it difficult seeing him with someone else.

I suspect he is waiting until you’re both sure about the relationship so that he doesn’t go through the process of introducing them to multiple people even though they’re adults.

At 5 months I think that’s reasonable - they’re his kids and it’s his relationship with them. I don’t think that it’s your place to dictate this although I can understand your hurt.

if you’re going to raise it at all id say something like « i hope that if we’re still together next year we can all spend some time together over Christmas «

Theprinterwillnotbloodywork · 03/12/2022 07:09

I would seriously consider ending this relationship. He is treating you badly and hiding you from adult children, this is a sign you’re not important to him.
5 months is early but long enough to have feelings and to want to start introductions, Christmas is a good time for this. Maybe not Christmas Day, but definitely at some point. He’s excluding you at a ‘family’ time. Think seriously.

FancyFelix · 03/12/2022 07:12

I'm 43, my dad has been widowed for over 20 years and with his current partner for most of that time. He still refers to her as his "friend"!!

FancyFelix · 03/12/2022 07:13

I should say that's not because his children have ever done anything to make him think they'd be hostile towards her. I think he's just deluded and thinks we are stupid

ImCindaCanning · 03/12/2022 07:13

A great expression I've learnt on MN is "don't make someone a priority who only sees you as an option". Sounds like you fill a gap in his schedule when nothing better is on offer. He should want to see you over the Christmas break as much as you want to see him. If you're happy to keep things casual he sounds okay, but I'd forget it if you want more.

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 03/12/2022 07:15

Beetlejuice43 · 03/12/2022 06:31

I don’t agree with any of these comments. 5 months is not quick. They are adult children as well. It’s not Victorian England. What’s bothering me is he hasn’t spoken to you about why he is behaving as he is, and why you are on here instead of telling him how you feel. Your feelings matter and are valid. Tell him you’re not happy. If he does not acknowledge your feelings, there’s a massive red flag right there. And it’s rubbish after three years that he’s honouring his marriage - utter crap!

Agree with this.

Why is he not divorced after 3 years separated? Does he still hope to get back together with his wife?

The whole thing would make me very u comfortable and I’d be thinking about ending it u til he’s actually made space for you in his life.

Believeinyou · 03/12/2022 07:21

if he doesn't set any time aside for you at all over xmas then i would tread carefully and perhaps step back abit myself and be less available in the new year. Protect myself abit and consider if this is a relationship i want to invest it

Itsbeenashortyear · 03/12/2022 07:22

I think if I was in a new relationship, 5 months in I would still be wanting to keep everything separate.

I wouldn’t have a newish boyfriend involved with my adult kids. Not because I think they would have a problem or because I thought less of the boyfriend. I just like things separate. I enjoy time with my partner and time with my kids.

I certainly wouldn’t be doing a Christmas introduction. Especially so early. But then I have never, even before kids spent events with a boyfriend of 5 months. I wouldn’t until I was absolutely sure the relationship was going to last.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 03/12/2022 07:22

I would hope the adult children aren’t naive enough not to realise that ‘friend’ here means ‘girlfriend’. Five months isn’t nothing, and how close you are depends on how much you’ve been seeing each other and how quickly you’ve been developing a connection. It might be you’ve dated once a fortnight and are still unsure of your feelings, or you could have spent weekends together, multiple times in the week and feel in love.

Not for the family Christmas dinner at this point, ok, but it wouldn’t necessarily be U to expect to see him at some point over the Christmas week.

MiddleParking · 03/12/2022 07:23

2bazookas · 02/12/2022 14:51

You ARE "a friend". It's the truth.

What other title do you expect him to tell his children, after after 5 month relationship with you, when he is separated but still married to their mother?

Wonder if his penis thinks it’s the truth. Like OP has noted, he wants it every way. I’d expect to be referred to as his girlfriend since that’s what OP is.

Holyjinglebells · 03/12/2022 07:27

He's being disrespectful to you. I would definitely talk to him about his decision and ask him what his plans are with regards to coming clean about your relationship.

ZenNudist · 03/12/2022 07:31

Have you asked to see him ? If he's said no have you told him how it makes you feel?

I know 5 months is early days but I'd pull back a bit. It's been 3 years and hes not divorced. His pace is pretty slow.

allboysherebutme · 03/12/2022 07:42

I agree with him 5 months is too soon to be introducing you to his children and definitely too soon to be doing family christmases.

He is 100% right and I admire him for putting his adult children first, most men would think of themselves.
Enjoy the time you do spend together and you will meet the children soon enough. X

TwoTimTams · 03/12/2022 07:46

I’d be hurt too. It is only 5 months in but you did say you spend a lot of time together. That he’s happy to dump you for a week over Christmas because it suits him would make me question the relationship and where it’s heading. I would totally understand he’d want some time with just him and his adult children, but to not want to spend any time with you or introduce you to his kids says you’re good enough for a shag and for someone to pass the time with when there’s nothing better to do but in the overall scheme of things you are not high on his list of priorities. And 5 months in is enough to decide if it’s a always going to be a casual relationship easily put aside, or if it’s something that could be long term. He’s not treating it as a relationship with long term potential.

Riverlee · 03/12/2022 07:47

I wouldn’t expect you to join all the traditionally family events - Christmas Day etc, but I wouldn’t expect you to be excluded totally. Is he planning to see you at all over Christmas?

They’ve also been separated for three years, so it’s not a recent separation. Plus his children are adults. To be honest, I think he should have said that he was seeing you before now.

Charlize43 · 03/12/2022 07:49

5 months isn't a long time. Maybe he doesn't want to be one of those dads who is introducing a new girlfriend to his kids every year. I think that's quite understandable.

One of my good friends of 30 years plus, changes her partner every two to three years and while I've always included whoever she is with, it is quite confusing sometimes whether it's Tom, John, Simon, Rick, Paul, Ryan, etc. Some of them were really nice, charming, and fun and I can't help feel disappointed as they get replaced especially after you've invested time with them. Some have been smashing fellas.

NoSquirrels · 03/12/2022 07:51

it would be nice to see him at some point over the Christmas period...

Tell him that, then. Ask him out for a date on 28th or whatever - a walk and the pub, shopping and lunch. Then he can decide if he tells his DC, you’ve had an adult conversation about it but you’re not begging to be included.

BellePeppa · 03/12/2022 07:53

This Christmas too soon but next Christmas definitely. If he was already divorced I’d say it was ok now but with that still hanging around I think it’s fine the way he’s planned it this year.

Chaiandchocolate · 03/12/2022 07:54

He’s been separated for 3 years, still not divorced, and he’s hiding you away from
his adult DC? It’s a bit much to expect to spend Christmas Day with them all but not even a drink or casual lunch over the Christmas period?

I’d back off a bit from this relationship. These are adult DC and while they have feelings they don’t get to rule their DF’s life. If they were young then absolutely you shouldn’t be introduced yet or expect to spend anytime at Christmas with them, but he can’t even squeeze you in for drinks over Christmas? Not a great sign.

LifeofRachel · 03/12/2022 07:57

It sounds like too much of a headache for me.

Until we were public I wouldn't be putting too much commitment into this one... I would probably distance myself a bit and suggest you make it more casual, possibly start dating others.

5 months in is still quite a long time and his children are adults! It's your Christmas to enjoy too he sounds either like a bit of a wimp/ he's not 100% sure he sees you two going to go the distance.

LifeofRachel · 03/12/2022 07:59

Maybe take a break and ask him to get back in touch when he feels ready for an honest and public relationship!

Winemygoodenemy · 03/12/2022 08:00

It’s a hard one, but don’t stress. I wouldn’t want to spend Christmas with my dps kids. is just a day. A day traditionally you are meant to spend with loved ones. But it’s a day. Surely he isn’t spending the whole 5 days with his kids. Previous partners I have not spent Christmas with as I have to travel for a few days to family. I never invited them as it was a big commitment.

this DP only been with him 8 months. He is coming to family as he has little family alive and they have other plans or that is close to. His adult child has her own plans with her boyfriend. He would be alone and we are long distance so we want to see each other. It’s not a pity invite as I want him there but I wouldn’t be fussed if he had his own plans. It’s only a few days.

in fact he is spending NYE with his adult children and me with my friends. We discussed best way to do this and I can have plans there. Sure I will see him beginning of January

Itsybitsyminion · 03/12/2022 08:10

Beetlejuice43 · 03/12/2022 06:31

100% this. He needs to know how you feel. You are all adults, you all should be transparent and honest with each other.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8